Class of February 2012 Part 6
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Hi all, hows it going? I had news that an older relative of longtime family friends died this week. Then last night, their son was found dead. Everything with them is chaotic and sad. It is my sister's inlaws, but more complex because I've known them all quite well since I was little.
And then I feel very selfish saying this, but, it is stirring up my own grief. The anniversary of my moms death is in three weeks and I have been trying not to think about it and not post about it. But it honestly feels like she is going to die all over again, that I can see it coming, and I am helpless to stop it. Which is ridiculous, because she died already! Anyway, I took some time off work around the date just in case I need to let myself fall apart, then I can. I don't know what else to do. We are all going to the cemetery then out to eat at a restaurant. There is a mass in her honor the day before. None of it seems like enough. But nothing would be. I guess nothing will fix it. Or stop the reliving of it.
My resistance of that is probably making me feel worse. Anyway, thats all. I'm not looking for answers. I just needed a safe place to express it. I feel safe with you guys. Thanks.
And then I feel very selfish saying this, but, it is stirring up my own grief. The anniversary of my moms death is in three weeks and I have been trying not to think about it and not post about it. But it honestly feels like she is going to die all over again, that I can see it coming, and I am helpless to stop it. Which is ridiculous, because she died already! Anyway, I took some time off work around the date just in case I need to let myself fall apart, then I can. I don't know what else to do. We are all going to the cemetery then out to eat at a restaurant. There is a mass in her honor the day before. None of it seems like enough. But nothing would be. I guess nothing will fix it. Or stop the reliving of it.
My resistance of that is probably making me feel worse. Anyway, thats all. I'm not looking for answers. I just needed a safe place to express it. I feel safe with you guys. Thanks.
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
EQ you are not selfish...you are a daughter!!! I too still get emotional around " that time" and it's been 5 years. I was drunk for it last year. I got into a huge drunk fight w hubby about it. When my mom died he did not come home w me bc he had too much at work. At the time it did not bother me...but years later it did.
I got nothing done yesterday bc hubby was sick. Tummy bug. Today I have so much crap to do I wanna crawl into hole! Can't do that.
I'm having dinner w a friend tonight. She'll push drinking on me, but I'll just tell her my meds make me have poopy monsters alcohol. It's not a lie. I can't trust her w stuff bc she blabs.
Work has me stressed out. I'm about to explode on someone. I think my adderal makes me more edgy when people **** me off.
I got nothing done yesterday bc hubby was sick. Tummy bug. Today I have so much crap to do I wanna crawl into hole! Can't do that.
I'm having dinner w a friend tonight. She'll push drinking on me, but I'll just tell her my meds make me have poopy monsters alcohol. It's not a lie. I can't trust her w stuff bc she blabs.
Work has me stressed out. I'm about to explode on someone. I think my adderal makes me more edgy when people **** me off.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Another sober day. Got up and headed down to the harbor to walk my dog and watch the sun rise over the ocean. Saw the fishing boats head out and they were announcing over the intercom that they had budlight and it was like 6:45AM. Now if I was still drinking and on that boat I wouldve been drinkin away several beers. Instead I was enjoying a nice long walk with my lil sidekick.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
I am glad things went well out with your friend, Orbea! I know when I went out with my gf on Friday, I didn't even notice what she drank. I only know because of looking at the bill. I was so happy to see her and catch up. I think when I am with company that I am less interested in, I notice the alcohol more. Like with family. Lol
Have a good day, all.
Have a good day, all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Orbea glad you enjoyed your dinner!
Hi EQ!
Longggg work day. Went on another walk down at the beach after dinner. I think evening walks are a nice way to unwind and my dog is snoring away now. Watching a lil tv before bed.
Hi EQ!
Longggg work day. Went on another walk down at the beach after dinner. I think evening walks are a nice way to unwind and my dog is snoring away now. Watching a lil tv before bed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Good morning!
Day 24! I can't believe it's been almost a whole month sober. I think the evening walks I've been doing are a nice change to just watching tv. And now that my boxer is expecting them I have those big eyes looking at me waiting to take her out again after dinner now. Better get outa bed and get ready for another work day! Lil hard to do when my huge dog that thinks she is a Chihuahua is passed out on me snoring away.
Day 24! I can't believe it's been almost a whole month sober. I think the evening walks I've been doing are a nice change to just watching tv. And now that my boxer is expecting them I have those big eyes looking at me waiting to take her out again after dinner now. Better get outa bed and get ready for another work day! Lil hard to do when my huge dog that thinks she is a Chihuahua is passed out on me snoring away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Unfortunately more insomnia.
The other new things are: I started abstaining from sweets for three days now. No soda, no candy, chocolate, and no junk food or drive thrus. Since I don't like to cook it ends up being a lot of steamed vegetables and fresh fruit so far. Need to go to the grocery. Just been too busy.
Have to go to the funeral for the family friend on Thursday night. He died in his sleep. He was about my age, maybe a few years older but not much.
Started writing character sketches for my book. (Yes, I really meant that stuff about doing that. Not for any reason but because I want to be able to say I wrote a novel from beginning to end, even if no one ever sees it. I want to master it, like some people take.up tennis in midlife. Plus I want to do something hard..) Read a book called "This Year You Write Your Novel." Am now reading a book called "Novelist's Essential Guide to Crafting Scenes" which is helpful and fascinating.
I am still going through stuff and throwing stuff out. Brought boxes from work to store stuff in or for books i don't want etc. Still preparing for downsizing.
I need these challenges to distract me from my grief and the death anniversary approaching. I need huge compelling projects to do that. Getting and staying sober is no longer a huge compelling project because the last month sobriety has become easier.. It has become another maintenance project.
I have been totally avoiding my father. It is bad. All my sibs see him etc but me. I don't call. Last time I called was probably two weeks ago from work and I cried while he talked. I do text him some. But I will see him at this funeral Thursday and Saturday night too.
I am awarded this Friday the employee of the month for October which is kind of embarassing actually.
The other new things are: I started abstaining from sweets for three days now. No soda, no candy, chocolate, and no junk food or drive thrus. Since I don't like to cook it ends up being a lot of steamed vegetables and fresh fruit so far. Need to go to the grocery. Just been too busy.
Have to go to the funeral for the family friend on Thursday night. He died in his sleep. He was about my age, maybe a few years older but not much.
Started writing character sketches for my book. (Yes, I really meant that stuff about doing that. Not for any reason but because I want to be able to say I wrote a novel from beginning to end, even if no one ever sees it. I want to master it, like some people take.up tennis in midlife. Plus I want to do something hard..) Read a book called "This Year You Write Your Novel." Am now reading a book called "Novelist's Essential Guide to Crafting Scenes" which is helpful and fascinating.
I am still going through stuff and throwing stuff out. Brought boxes from work to store stuff in or for books i don't want etc. Still preparing for downsizing.
I need these challenges to distract me from my grief and the death anniversary approaching. I need huge compelling projects to do that. Getting and staying sober is no longer a huge compelling project because the last month sobriety has become easier.. It has become another maintenance project.
I have been totally avoiding my father. It is bad. All my sibs see him etc but me. I don't call. Last time I called was probably two weeks ago from work and I cried while he talked. I do text him some. But I will see him at this funeral Thursday and Saturday night too.
I am awarded this Friday the employee of the month for October which is kind of embarassing actually.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Busy girl EQ! Now the candy I could go without bc I don't really ever crave it but take away my diet Pepsi and Dr pepper and that's another story! And writing a novel? Woah that sounds like a lot of work. Very cool that you'll be able to say you wrote one! Sorry to hear about your friend.
I woke up this morning with a killer headache. I think the craziness at work due to being under staffed is really starting to effect me and that's not good. I thought about it though and normally a bad day would cause me to crave a drink and yesterday I didn't have a single thought about drinking. Win for me!!
I woke up this morning with a killer headache. I think the craziness at work due to being under staffed is really starting to effect me and that's not good. I thought about it though and normally a bad day would cause me to crave a drink and yesterday I didn't have a single thought about drinking. Win for me!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Overland Park, KS
Posts: 137
EQ the novelist. Sounds like a healthy and rewarding activity to pursue! Hopefully it's something you are enjoying, and gives you a break from your day-to-day job/chores. Sorry to hear about the troubles with your dad. Hope you two are able to rejuvinate your relationship in time.
Way to go BF! Very cool when you start to feel the cravings subside. As usual I will offer some unsolicited advice, but feel free to ignore me if it doesn't apply
I remember when I started to get to the point where I felt like sobriety was coming relatively easy for me, I began having thoughts like "I've quit for 'x' weeks, so maybe I'm not an alcoholic", "Now that I've proven to myself that I can quit, maybe I can control it from now on", "If I were really an addict, then wouldn't I be struggling more with this like some of the others on the board?", etc.
The alcoholic mind is very conniving, and can be the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing. "It" knows us better than anyone, and can construct some pretty compelling arguments as to why "this time will be different". I'm not suggesting at all that you aren't in control, but just trying to give you a heads up of what you might encounter in the upcoming weeks/months. Only you know why you have chosen this path, but I suspect like the rest of us, there are some things in your past that you may not be very proud of. I had to remind myself of these 'skeletons' frequently when temptation came calling, and sometimes it took some serious soul searching.
I don't know whether I fit the clinical definition of an alcoholic. I was never arrested, never lost a job, never physically harmed anybody, etc., so there wasn't a single life-changing event (fortunately) where I realized I had to clean up or else. But I know that I started suspecting I had a problem long before I ever went looking for help, and know in my heart that there's no middle ground for me. I also know that I was extremely lucky not to have that "or else" moment, and a lot of people aren't that fortunate.
So again, please feel free to ignore me if my stories don't apply to you. Just trying to share some of the things that have helped me along the way so far in my relatively short journey. I've seen some of these same things trip up others, and it's always sad to see it happen to someone who had fought so hard to get where they were. I know that you can never let your guard down entirely, but the way you felt yesterday will become more and more the norm over time. You're doing an amazing job, and there's clearly a 'pep in your step' (as well as your dog's) that felt absent when I was reading your posts over months leading up to Sept. It's inspiring to read and it brightens my day. Keep up the great work!
Way to go BF! Very cool when you start to feel the cravings subside. As usual I will offer some unsolicited advice, but feel free to ignore me if it doesn't apply
I remember when I started to get to the point where I felt like sobriety was coming relatively easy for me, I began having thoughts like "I've quit for 'x' weeks, so maybe I'm not an alcoholic", "Now that I've proven to myself that I can quit, maybe I can control it from now on", "If I were really an addict, then wouldn't I be struggling more with this like some of the others on the board?", etc. The alcoholic mind is very conniving, and can be the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing. "It" knows us better than anyone, and can construct some pretty compelling arguments as to why "this time will be different". I'm not suggesting at all that you aren't in control, but just trying to give you a heads up of what you might encounter in the upcoming weeks/months. Only you know why you have chosen this path, but I suspect like the rest of us, there are some things in your past that you may not be very proud of. I had to remind myself of these 'skeletons' frequently when temptation came calling, and sometimes it took some serious soul searching.
I don't know whether I fit the clinical definition of an alcoholic. I was never arrested, never lost a job, never physically harmed anybody, etc., so there wasn't a single life-changing event (fortunately) where I realized I had to clean up or else. But I know that I started suspecting I had a problem long before I ever went looking for help, and know in my heart that there's no middle ground for me. I also know that I was extremely lucky not to have that "or else" moment, and a lot of people aren't that fortunate.
So again, please feel free to ignore me if my stories don't apply to you. Just trying to share some of the things that have helped me along the way so far in my relatively short journey. I've seen some of these same things trip up others, and it's always sad to see it happen to someone who had fought so hard to get where they were. I know that you can never let your guard down entirely, but the way you felt yesterday will become more and more the norm over time. You're doing an amazing job, and there's clearly a 'pep in your step' (as well as your dog's
) that felt absent when I was reading your posts over months leading up to Sept. It's inspiring to read and it brightens my day. Keep up the great work!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Sorry for your loss EQ 
Good to see you wildcat - and congrats on your progress BF
where's everyone else at?
Time for another thread....
we continue here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...12-pt-7-a.html
D
Good to see you wildcat - and congrats on your progress BF
where's everyone else at?
Time for another thread....
we continue here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...12-pt-7-a.html
D
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