Class of February 2012 Part 5
....pokes head back in.
Hey guys. Been thinking of you all a lot more then it would seem given my total avoidance of the forum. I kept slipping so often, it was just too shameful to keep posting I suppose. That and denial and not dealing are specialties of mine.
So. I have a lot of catching up to do, and while I'm sure it'll take awhile and I'll still miss a lot I'll be reading.
I'm in a weird place. I finally got myself back in gear, have 8 days sober but I got injured at work, kinda badly. The routine of wake up, heavily dose w/coffee, hit the gym and do so hard, and work 9-10 hours was paramount. I'm stressed a lot. I pride myself on pain tolerance, but this is bad. I was given a series of injections, and they were giving me percs and something else. I asked for something less, and just got lortabs (plus muscle relaxers). I am giving them to my mother, which is shameful but it will prevent me from doing what I know I want to (you know take the 2 weeks worth in a couple days).
I just blah. I had a hard time last september. I was struck down and have been dealing since w/autoimmune stuff and flare ups get really bad and taking percs led to using other stuff. I feel a lot stronger. I was SO effing pissed at myself all april, and i feel a lot more centered in where i am and what it costs to slip. Main concern is and will stay avoiding alcohol for now.
I'm sorry and hope it's ok to post here period after being so horribly unsupportive. Love and miss you all.
Hey guys. Been thinking of you all a lot more then it would seem given my total avoidance of the forum. I kept slipping so often, it was just too shameful to keep posting I suppose. That and denial and not dealing are specialties of mine.
So. I have a lot of catching up to do, and while I'm sure it'll take awhile and I'll still miss a lot I'll be reading.
I'm in a weird place. I finally got myself back in gear, have 8 days sober but I got injured at work, kinda badly. The routine of wake up, heavily dose w/coffee, hit the gym and do so hard, and work 9-10 hours was paramount. I'm stressed a lot. I pride myself on pain tolerance, but this is bad. I was given a series of injections, and they were giving me percs and something else. I asked for something less, and just got lortabs (plus muscle relaxers). I am giving them to my mother, which is shameful but it will prevent me from doing what I know I want to (you know take the 2 weeks worth in a couple days).
I just blah. I had a hard time last september. I was struck down and have been dealing since w/autoimmune stuff and flare ups get really bad and taking percs led to using other stuff. I feel a lot stronger. I was SO effing pissed at myself all april, and i feel a lot more centered in where i am and what it costs to slip. Main concern is and will stay avoiding alcohol for now.
I'm sorry and hope it's ok to post here period after being so horribly unsupportive. Love and miss you all.
Nothing wrong with just taking the Host EQ - I do it - I think we're both old enough to remember when the bread *was* Communion
Welcome back LP - I wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry for your struggles and for your pain, but you seem to be doing all the right things now?
D
Welcome back LP - I wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry for your struggles and for your pain, but you seem to be doing all the right things now?
D
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
Welcome back LP! I am sory that you are having a rough go with it! Sounds like you are taking the steps you need to take.
EQ...I was an acolyte in the Lutheran church as a kid. Similar to Catholic church...
Anyhoo we had grape juice for those who could not take wine. You can always call ahead and ask if needed.
EQ...I was an acolyte in the Lutheran church as a kid. Similar to Catholic church...
Anyhoo we had grape juice for those who could not take wine. You can always call ahead and ask if needed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Welcome back LP. I also recently re joined the group.
Had some pizza for dinner and did order a new wallet I wanted. It's nice to relax and watch a lil tv. Didn't have any cravings to buy booze even with it being payday which was nice. Headin to bed pretty early tonight.
Had some pizza for dinner and did order a new wallet I wanted. It's nice to relax and watch a lil tv. Didn't have any cravings to buy booze even with it being payday which was nice. Headin to bed pretty early tonight.
LP, it is so good to hear from you again! Keep posting...:ghug3
BF: Cool that you got the wallet! Because you will need a place to keep all the money you will.be saving being sober.... :
Orbea: wow for you! I want a magic scale too!
Thanks for all the great feedback guys. You're the best.
BF: Cool that you got the wallet! Because you will need a place to keep all the money you will.be saving being sober.... :
Orbea: wow for you! I want a magic scale too!
Thanks for all the great feedback guys. You're the best.
LP! I just came back, too. Back and forth, in and out. No shame as long as we keep trying. (((HUGS)))
EQ, As a cradle Catholic who once in a while goes back to church (and I also sometimes check out other churches), I've heard two positions on taking the cup at communion: one is that the blood and body of Christ are present in BOTH the bread and wine, so only taking the bread is ok (that is the Church's position); the second is that since it is the blood of Christ, are you actually drinking? I know some people who don't drink at all but do take the cup during communion. I also know some people who insist that's a slippery slope. You know yourself!
I'm super stoked...I spent the evening with the hubby. Had to go pick up his stuff for a bike race he's doing tomorrow then we went out to dinner. Used to be I'd have passed on all that bc I would have been home Friday early to start drinking (by myself, of course). It was nice to eat a big plate of pasta and hang out with my honey and just drink water and iced tea.
EQ, As a cradle Catholic who once in a while goes back to church (and I also sometimes check out other churches), I've heard two positions on taking the cup at communion: one is that the blood and body of Christ are present in BOTH the bread and wine, so only taking the bread is ok (that is the Church's position); the second is that since it is the blood of Christ, are you actually drinking? I know some people who don't drink at all but do take the cup during communion. I also know some people who insist that's a slippery slope. You know yourself!
I'm super stoked...I spent the evening with the hubby. Had to go pick up his stuff for a bike race he's doing tomorrow then we went out to dinner. Used to be I'd have passed on all that bc I would have been home Friday early to start drinking (by myself, of course). It was nice to eat a big plate of pasta and hang out with my honey and just drink water and iced tea.
Lilac, LP, Orbea, Trigirl, and BF: Thanks for coming back!
Not only am I happy for you for returning, but I am happy for me, too!
At this point, if you had not come back, this last week it would have been just me left from the original February class....
I would be left writing and answering my own questions back, posting to myself!
Wildcat, don't you stop coming either! You are my paver of the great way!
Not only am I happy for you for returning, but I am happy for me, too!
At this point, if you had not come back, this last week it would have been just me left from the original February class....
I would be left writing and answering my own questions back, posting to myself!
Wildcat, don't you stop coming either! You are my paver of the great way!
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
EQ let us know how church goes!
LP I forgot to mention to you that I have been gone a while and came back a week ago. I am on day 11.
Up early to swim laps. Kinda scared. This used to be routine for me. Swim was my favorite and best sport in triathlon. I also used to coach pool swim and Open water swim for a tri club. Hopefully all will go well. At least I am buoyant!
I have a friend picking me up at 7:30 to go blank and blueberry picking.
LP I forgot to mention to you that I have been gone a while and came back a week ago. I am on day 11.
Up early to swim laps. Kinda scared. This used to be routine for me. Swim was my favorite and best sport in triathlon. I also used to coach pool swim and Open water swim for a tri club. Hopefully all will go well. At least I am buoyant!
I have a friend picking me up at 7:30 to go blank and blueberry picking.
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
Morning workout done! Only 500 yards. Considering it has been 1.5 years since last swim, I will call it a success. I still have a feel for water. My arms are weak. Funny how kick and stroke patterns come right back.
Orbea, way to go getting in a morning swim! Who cares the distance, since it's been a long time. Bet you'll feel good for the rest of the day, and you'll feel even better with some fresh blueberries to munch on later!
EQ, the thought of you answering your own questions is funny. Love it. I debate myself in my head all the time.
Happy to wake up sober this morning.
EQ, the thought of you answering your own questions is funny. Love it. I debate myself in my head all the time.
Happy to wake up sober this morning.
Wow, Orbea! Seriously you blow me away! You guys are going to get me moving yet with all of your exercising! I hope!
I have to laugh because, instead, I try and do 30 to 45 minutes a day of meditation a day. No moving at all! Aiming for a fit mind. Ha ha.
Good luck all. I'm so glad you're back! It feels so good to have a whole group goin again. It really helps me.
I have to laugh because, instead, I try and do 30 to 45 minutes a day of meditation a day. No moving at all! Aiming for a fit mind. Ha ha.
Good luck all. I'm so glad you're back! It feels so good to have a whole group goin again. It really helps me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Orbea sounds like a fun morning!
I just got back with my dog. She seems to be waking me up earlier each day. It was 5:30 and today it was just after 5. Going to enjoy another sober day relaxing and doing a little cleaning. It's crazy to me that I'll have 2 weeks sober tomorrow after all the failed day 1 attempts.
Have a great weekend class!
I just got back with my dog. She seems to be waking me up earlier each day. It was 5:30 and today it was just after 5. Going to enjoy another sober day relaxing and doing a little cleaning. It's crazy to me that I'll have 2 weeks sober tomorrow after all the failed day 1 attempts.
Have a great weekend class!
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
BF wtg on almost 2 weeks!!!
EQ my sis is big on meditation. A healthy mind makes for a healthy body!!!!
I picked a gallon of big fat blackberries. I picked 2/3 a gallon of blueberries (picking not as good) and filled the rest with fresh strawberries. Picked for almost 2 hours.
I'll freeze some. I need to look for things to do w them. I can't add sugar to anything. If I bake them w some oats on top... Likes crisp, I wouldn't think I would need to add sugar.
What I really want is nachos. If I can stay away from wine I can stay away from nachos, right?
EQ my sis is big on meditation. A healthy mind makes for a healthy body!!!!
I picked a gallon of big fat blackberries. I picked 2/3 a gallon of blueberries (picking not as good) and filled the rest with fresh strawberries. Picked for almost 2 hours.
I'll freeze some. I need to look for things to do w them. I can't add sugar to anything. If I bake them w some oats on top... Likes crisp, I wouldn't think I would need to add sugar.
What I really want is nachos. If I can stay away from wine I can stay away from nachos, right?
Remember me?
Sorry -- this has been an insane week, and I'm just now having time to catch up. At first I was reading the posts, and then they just stopped. I had to log on to figure out that we changed threads, so my phone wasn't telling me when anyone posted. Oops!
I made it through the last of my super busy 6 week period of work madness, mom visits, birthday parites, and end of the year kid recitals & activities. I think it got to me toward the end. I never came close to drinking, but I got very depressed and paranoid. In the middle of it (because I guess I like to pull everything out at once) I decided to deal with a HUGE issue in my life and in my recovery. Following that, I had a MAJOR conversation with hubby. I was terrified (on top of all of the guilt, shame, paranoia, and stress.) It actually went really well, and I am feeling cautiously optimistic about our relationship for the first time in a long time. (Not about it lasting - I've never worried about that. But I stopped expecting it to thrive a long time ago.) Big thanks to Orbea who was talking me through it all, even when I couldn't make it to the thread.
During this time, I also survived two very alcohol-centric parties that offered unlimited opportunities to drink as much as I wanted of anything I might have ever wanted. Making it through those increased my confidence quite a bit.
Since the end of the busy time, I have spent some quality time with my kids, which has made me feel a lot better too. Now, they are on summer break, so we will hopefully have a lot of extra time together.
I have managed to keep up with training through it all. I'm now 57 days out from Ironman, and full speed ahead focused on it. Finally got back to losing weight. I've been eating pretty well for so long, that I was really frustrated about not losing. Then I noticed that my summer clothes were too big. Guess the fat and muscle were just moving around without changing my weight. Finally, I lost 4 pounds this past week, and if I could keep that up, I could actually be at my goal weight before the tri. That would give me SUCH a boost!
Anyway, sorry I'm so behind on everyone's news! I just read the first 3 pages of the thread to catch up. Dee, I loved reading your story!
Lilac & Logical Paradox, welcome back!!! I was gone for awhile too. I stopped drinking for good on April 1st, so coming up on two months. I'm very glad you came back! It feels like the group is back together - except for Kam and Johnny.
EQ, I'm still wearing my yoga mala every day and getting closer and closer to actually practicing again. Thanks for reminding me to be centered.
BoozeFree, you talked about cleanses, etc. You can do a whole food cleanse without buying anything or using expensive supplements, and do almost just as much for your health. If you're interested, I can message you some info.
Orbea, my bike ride was fabulous this morning, because I was thinking of you swimming at the same time. We can do this!!! But, one thing.........I'd like for you to think about taking the "Fat Mom" off of your profile. You know we always say that the mental part of the training is at least as important as the physical. Be careful what you tell yourself. You are an Ironman. (And actually, neither of those things completely defines you....)
Hope everyone has a great Saturday! <3
Sorry -- this has been an insane week, and I'm just now having time to catch up. At first I was reading the posts, and then they just stopped. I had to log on to figure out that we changed threads, so my phone wasn't telling me when anyone posted. Oops!
I made it through the last of my super busy 6 week period of work madness, mom visits, birthday parites, and end of the year kid recitals & activities. I think it got to me toward the end. I never came close to drinking, but I got very depressed and paranoid. In the middle of it (because I guess I like to pull everything out at once) I decided to deal with a HUGE issue in my life and in my recovery. Following that, I had a MAJOR conversation with hubby. I was terrified (on top of all of the guilt, shame, paranoia, and stress.) It actually went really well, and I am feeling cautiously optimistic about our relationship for the first time in a long time. (Not about it lasting - I've never worried about that. But I stopped expecting it to thrive a long time ago.) Big thanks to Orbea who was talking me through it all, even when I couldn't make it to the thread.
During this time, I also survived two very alcohol-centric parties that offered unlimited opportunities to drink as much as I wanted of anything I might have ever wanted. Making it through those increased my confidence quite a bit.
Since the end of the busy time, I have spent some quality time with my kids, which has made me feel a lot better too. Now, they are on summer break, so we will hopefully have a lot of extra time together.
I have managed to keep up with training through it all. I'm now 57 days out from Ironman, and full speed ahead focused on it. Finally got back to losing weight. I've been eating pretty well for so long, that I was really frustrated about not losing. Then I noticed that my summer clothes were too big. Guess the fat and muscle were just moving around without changing my weight. Finally, I lost 4 pounds this past week, and if I could keep that up, I could actually be at my goal weight before the tri. That would give me SUCH a boost!
Anyway, sorry I'm so behind on everyone's news! I just read the first 3 pages of the thread to catch up. Dee, I loved reading your story!
Lilac & Logical Paradox, welcome back!!! I was gone for awhile too. I stopped drinking for good on April 1st, so coming up on two months. I'm very glad you came back! It feels like the group is back together - except for Kam and Johnny.
EQ, I'm still wearing my yoga mala every day and getting closer and closer to actually practicing again. Thanks for reminding me to be centered.
BoozeFree, you talked about cleanses, etc. You can do a whole food cleanse without buying anything or using expensive supplements, and do almost just as much for your health. If you're interested, I can message you some info.
Orbea, my bike ride was fabulous this morning, because I was thinking of you swimming at the same time. We can do this!!! But, one thing.........I'd like for you to think about taking the "Fat Mom" off of your profile. You know we always say that the mental part of the training is at least as important as the physical. Be careful what you tell yourself. You are an Ironman. (And actually, neither of those things completely defines you....)
Hope everyone has a great Saturday! <3
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
TriGirl welcome back to posting! I forgot that it says fat mom under my name. I made that when I first made my user profile. I'm sitting here munching on some giant blackberries. Wish I could share them w the February group. Almost 2 months for you! Do you realize that next Friday is two months? That's when sister comes into town.
Great job on the bike ride! That was always my second favorite sport! It was very therapeutic as I either had hours to myself...Ironman training can get lonely, or it can be filled with friends and commraderie.
Now...let me change my fat mom thing somehow...
Great job on the bike ride! That was always my second favorite sport! It was very therapeutic as I either had hours to myself...Ironman training can get lonely, or it can be filled with friends and commraderie.
Now...let me change my fat mom thing somehow...
Orbea: i have been fighting the urge (since i first met you in February) to ask you to change your label of Fat Mom. I noticed right away that you did it too, even before i read you and trigirls posts discussing it! Yay! Well done. I like your avatar too by the way!
Trigirl: I am glad you have been working your way through your own personal labyrinth. And, glad Orbea was there to support you. You are dealing with so much since quitting. I am truly amazed. You are a person capable of incredible committment. Looking forward to hearing more from you now that the pace is slowing down...
The private service / celebration I went to today was at the same church of my Mothers funeral. Same large extended family. Same Monseignor saying the Mass. (a friend of the family). Same luncheon in the same adjacent banquet room....
I have not been back there since I was there for viewing and funeral service and I knew I would struggle. I did. Cried a lot about a mile before arriving. Cried continuously through the final song in church.
Did not take wine, though the others did, and my sister was the Eucharistic Minister for the wine. I was afraid to take wine... even though wine was not my drink of choice ...I was afraid that it would put alcohol in my mind by putting alcohol in my system. It is a specific taste alcohol has, unlike another, and to be honest I often just miss the taste of it... So no point risking it.
Same for the luncheon. I found myself a little paralyzed at first. I was thirsty and wanted water but I knew in the front there would be wine and beer etc. I even looked around for the only two people in the room who know that I have quit for real, for good. My sister and my niece both busy on opposite sides of the room. I had actually wanted to ask them to go up and get me water! Then I thought, don't be ridiculous, and went up and was pleased to see they had water and juice in one cooler and the alcohol in another. By the end of the luncheon, when I was helping to clean up, I was throwing away half cups of wine and beer and not giving it a thought.
Then, I went home and couldn't relax. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Definitely the kind of agitation that I would have depended on drinking to relieve. I didn't know what to do, so I meditated for sixty minutes. (And Id already done it for thirty minutes in the morning.) I knew it wouldn't hurt at least.
It helps me when my tangle of emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts are all knotted up so that I dont know what is what. I liken it to having a tangled knotted necklace chain, and, using two pins, I tease out and untangle the knot. You women out there know what I mean!
Anyway, I am still not drinking, but not capable yet of changing my basic avoidant ways. But I am not super upset about it, like I was last weekend. Not judging myself now. I know meditation will help loosen it all.
I was drinking to disguise it. Then I was judging it to disguise it. Then I was getting depressed about it. Now, I have some anxiety about it, but I know that is another version of the other stuff. I am trying to see it with clarity and stillness and no reactivity. When I do get to that point, my fervent hope is my "dry drunk ways" will crumble from the light of day. If it reveals the secrets of its structure to me, then, I am going right for the structural walls, and then, BAM, down it goes.
It is like my favorite zen saying:
"My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon"
Trigirl: I am glad you have been working your way through your own personal labyrinth. And, glad Orbea was there to support you. You are dealing with so much since quitting. I am truly amazed. You are a person capable of incredible committment. Looking forward to hearing more from you now that the pace is slowing down...
The private service / celebration I went to today was at the same church of my Mothers funeral. Same large extended family. Same Monseignor saying the Mass. (a friend of the family). Same luncheon in the same adjacent banquet room....
I have not been back there since I was there for viewing and funeral service and I knew I would struggle. I did. Cried a lot about a mile before arriving. Cried continuously through the final song in church.
Did not take wine, though the others did, and my sister was the Eucharistic Minister for the wine. I was afraid to take wine... even though wine was not my drink of choice ...I was afraid that it would put alcohol in my mind by putting alcohol in my system. It is a specific taste alcohol has, unlike another, and to be honest I often just miss the taste of it... So no point risking it.
Same for the luncheon. I found myself a little paralyzed at first. I was thirsty and wanted water but I knew in the front there would be wine and beer etc. I even looked around for the only two people in the room who know that I have quit for real, for good. My sister and my niece both busy on opposite sides of the room. I had actually wanted to ask them to go up and get me water! Then I thought, don't be ridiculous, and went up and was pleased to see they had water and juice in one cooler and the alcohol in another. By the end of the luncheon, when I was helping to clean up, I was throwing away half cups of wine and beer and not giving it a thought.
Then, I went home and couldn't relax. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Definitely the kind of agitation that I would have depended on drinking to relieve. I didn't know what to do, so I meditated for sixty minutes. (And Id already done it for thirty minutes in the morning.) I knew it wouldn't hurt at least.
It helps me when my tangle of emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts are all knotted up so that I dont know what is what. I liken it to having a tangled knotted necklace chain, and, using two pins, I tease out and untangle the knot. You women out there know what I mean!
Anyway, I am still not drinking, but not capable yet of changing my basic avoidant ways. But I am not super upset about it, like I was last weekend. Not judging myself now. I know meditation will help loosen it all.
I was drinking to disguise it. Then I was judging it to disguise it. Then I was getting depressed about it. Now, I have some anxiety about it, but I know that is another version of the other stuff. I am trying to see it with clarity and stillness and no reactivity. When I do get to that point, my fervent hope is my "dry drunk ways" will crumble from the light of day. If it reveals the secrets of its structure to me, then, I am going right for the structural walls, and then, BAM, down it goes.
It is like my favorite zen saying:
"My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon"
Getting Healthy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Neverland
Posts: 539
I remember creating the whole fat mom thing...I think I was sober at the time. I remember thinking well...drinking really led to me becoming fat and I am a mom. It didn't really bother me putting that up there. I do really like my new avatar. Reminds me of my kitty Seet Pea. She lived up to her name. One say about 7 years ago she left the house and never came back. Plus I'm musically inclined.
In one hour I have completed 108 days of sobriety!!
I only care because 8 is my favorite number.
I am being silly of course. Any excuse to celebrate sobriety!
Congratulations to each and every one of us!
You too, Dee!
I only care because 8 is my favorite number.
I am being silly of course. Any excuse to celebrate sobriety!
Congratulations to each and every one of us!
You too, Dee!
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