Saliena

5 months sober today... Finally I am starting to get clear headed.. and understand what working a spiritual program means. I am grateful that I haven't relapsed...

Zencat

That is nice you are reestablishing a connection with your hubby Karilynn.

Thanks for the well wishes the other day Une. Having or at least trying to have a productive day is a good alternative to the counter production of getting drunk.

Charon, hitting a couple meeting is good, try making some connections with the people there. Maybe read some out of the BB or go over to an AA type site and read there. Oh yea still listening to the Joe and Charley MP3's (or whatever) downloads? just take the day and get good and grounded in your recovery program, okay buddy.

Saliena, 5 months is great!


As for me, I like the clear headed part of sobriety. Well compare the jumble of muddled thinking of my active addiction to today, that's clear enough for me.

Made an appointment this morning for my GP Dr. Going to take the 'alcohol turns to crap' in my system drug. My classic relapse symptom that causes the most trouble is 'the hell with this, I'll do as I damm well please' symptom. Well there is more to it. I have a maladaptive sexual problem, rooted from early childhood (sexual trauma acting out) that is the real cause of my problems with alcohol, sexuality, relationships, social interaction and that covers the main points.

Amyhoo...time to get ready for one of my now two a week IDDT groups. Small world, my next door neighbor is in my Friday IDDT group... ♫ ♬ whatever will be will be ♪ ♩.

Charon

I've connected with a guy that I first met at the clubhouse meetings and have run into at other meetings. In fact he was at the meeting last night. Rather an odd duck as well as an old hippie. We get along well. I'm still listening to the Joe & Charlie MP3's everywhere I drive. Once I finish them I want to listen to Ray O'Keef. Then I'll probably go back to J&C and repeat Okeef as well. Sometimes multiple exposures let's you see/hear things you didn't get the first time.

Another gloomy day with 60% chance of thunderstorms. I am grateful for my happy light. I think I'll get my new anchor ready, go to the 1 pm meeting, maybe do some grass trimming if it doesn't rain. Otherwise I might just relax and enjoy being sober and feeling good. I think Ill grill a burger for lunch. I got some chipotle grilling sauce that I want to try. I keep the grill in the barn/garage so I'm OK even if it rains .

Zencat

Charon:

The odd duck hippie type people are more my kind of folks. That's where I have some serious challenges ahead of me, connection with people, odd or not. I'm reminded of the 'onion metaphor' here, pealing back the layers (barriers) to let people in. I fell like more like being an onion in the onion processing plant. I need to look for the onion that is me before I can start the pealing process.

Multiple Exposures.

I can see that being important with recovery programming in general. The deep psyche change I hear about and from what I'm reading about new brain research, programming and reprogramming (addiction recovery) the unconscious is that lasting change I seek.


Group this morning, hoping more people show up today. Makes the experience more interesting. My head is in a funny place this morning. I'm not going to group to be entertained but that's exactly what I want. Having more interesting and entertaining experiences is something I can do and do think I need tho.

Stringing a few 24hr's together, so yes, it is a good feeling. Time to really experience that feeling today as with the today's to come. I do not need to get drunk to feel good, good for a stupid short time that is. Then to reck the good feeling days after the drinking is over.

karilynn27

Congrats Saliena

Mornin all, hugs out:ghug3
I'm working to establish real relationships. I have found that even though I talk to people, my sense of humor and all the bs are just ways to keep people away.
Told my sponser do not let me start with a bunch of bs small talk. We will accomplish nothing.
Hope all are well, we're still hanging in there and that's gotta mean something.
Everyone have a good weekend, gonna try to make a meeting... Babysit the grandkids this evening.
See ya

Charon

I got the grass trimmed after the 1 pm meeting. Sun was out and it felt good to get it done even though my back ached afterwards. I have to say the chipotle burger was fantastic. The german potato salid I made turned out well too, though I might have cooked the potato about 2-5 minutes more. After what I ate last night I have 2 quarts left. Think I'll have grilled Nathan's hot dogs and GPS tonight.

I decided to do the bare minimum to get my 12' rowboat boat ready for striped bass. Motor, oars, pfd, anchor, and rods. That frees me up to hit the noon meeting and the 7 pm meeting as well. I might move some dirt if I have the time and energy. I'm getting close to having the sinkhole filled and the ground back to level. Then I can plant some grass. I wish I had a small backhoe or excavator so I could dig down and find out what is down there but I sure am not doing it by hand. Filling it in is hard enough.

Zen.

Have you ever read Why is it so Damn Hard to Change? « Rebecca Skloot ? It really explains a lot. It also suggests ways to subvert the ingrained habits - to jump to a different rut so to speak. One that is healthier.

Charon

Got through part of the third step with Joe & Charlie but they got into god, god, god, god, god, god, god, god, god in the fourth step. I had to turn it off and listen to PBS. Guess I'll fast forward to step 5 and see if it get's any better. At least I've got the higher power of Antabuse and my meetings. I'm starting to experience the side effects some but they are way milder than being hungover. Oh, and alcoholic or not doesn't matter to me. I want to quit, period.

Charon

Me too. Some with people in AA but I also joined a local SCUBA club. Since I certified I dove almost exclusively solo. Now I'm looking forward to sharing the diving with others. Not for the sake of safety. Simply to be with others of like interest. In fack tomorrow we are having our "ice breaker dive" at noon in Lake George. There's are a number of group dives and activities this summer and possible group trips to tropical venues. I'm also joining the New York State Divers Association. They also have a bunch of events. Not at all like the recluse I was.

Zencat

Charon:

Its inspiring to read about all the projects/activities you have that keep you busy. Things like your doing or more correctly stuff that keeps you physically active has been missing from my life for a very very long time. Being on SSDI dose limit me from doing some things I did when I was younger and working. I can put more effort into getting out. I do like to fish. There is a pier about a mile and quarter away from me, I have a rod/reel. I can give it a go.

At one time when I had a good Zen/Buddhist mindset, Talk of God and the like in and around AA meetings had very little effect on me. When I had a deep conviction to my worldview, that which was outside of it had nearly no impact on my peacefulness. So some work on that is needed for me.

Yes good, thank you for the article link to Rebecca Skloot. I'm knowledgeable about some addiction brain research. Its always good to get a different POV on some of the established findings.


AA meeting at 10am then thrift shopping. Might go to the breakfast at the Alano Club and 10am meeting afterward. Do that would be 5 days of the week where I'm doing some recovery activity. Action, action and more action is the plan. So far so good, Putting some distance away from my last alcohol f-up. It feel good to do good

Charon

Started listening to Joe & Charlie again. I'm just fast forwarding through the parts that are too gody for me. There's still a lot of great stuff in there. I'll probably re-listen to the discussion of how to do the 4th step again so I can do it properly.

All my stuff is in the car ready to leave for the "break the ice" dive. I hope the water is clear. Sometimes the vis is only 10'. If that's the case I might not dive. Those kinds of conditions are really hard to keep track of your buddy. It looks like a nice day though. The sun is shining and it's 53°F - same as the water temp (at the surface). It's supposed to go up to 70°F so a pleasant day.

Saw the first humming bird at the feeder yesterday. I spoke with someone who is a avid feeder and found out I was putting my feeder out much too late. It seems that as soon as they arrive they establish a feeding range and then never stray from it. I put the feeder out immedatly and now saw a hummer at the feeder twice yesterday. Probably the same bird. I hope more find it. I've seen feeders where the birds were lined up like O'Hare airport.

Well go to do final prep for the dive and then get going. More tomorrow.

karilynn27

Diving sounds awesome Charon
Zen the fishing sounds great, I'm missing the outdoors and the sunshine right now. I will be glad when some form of treatment can begin for whatever the hell is wrong with me. Sunshine is one of my favorite things but it literally make me sick.
Going to cover up here in a little bit and show the kids what I need done with the pool.
Oh yeah, water is #1 on my list of things I love
have a great day:ghug3
see ya

Zencat

Hummingbirds are so amazing to watch. I do have a feeder but because of 2nd floor apartment living has me wondering if I would be allowed to put one just outside of one of my windows. Now I'm thinking if I can get the management okay to hang it out on one of the trees in the courtyard. That would be nice for those little fellers.

Karilynn I do hope you can get the sunshine issue sorted out. I take a med that warns about too much sun exposure. I use a high level sun block when in prolonged sunlight. I'm not much of a sun worshiper and do sweat buckets in the sunlight now days, yet I do love getting out and about in nature.

As for trippy ole me, I have my issues to sort out. Personality issues that started in childhood, became prolific and tripped me up in adulthood. Some of these matters will be quite resistant to positive change, others will be more manageable. All I can do is give it a go, hope for the best and learn to live with the rest. Sober today and doing my best to keep it that way.

The Class of Dec 12 Rocks

Charon

Karilynn,

I love diving but for 55+ years I only snorkeled. Very inexpensive and almost like diving. In some ways it's better by far. You only need a mask, snorkle and fins, so no massive amount of equipment (read as weight and expense and way less convienence and spontaniety). You don't have to keep checking your air pressure, depth, no-deco time, etc. There is no danger from holding your breath on ascent, nor from a fast ascent - things you absolutely have to be aware of diving. Also, there is way less equipment to rinse when done. If I were you I would give it a try. You could find a local SCUBA dive shop and rent the equipment to try it before buying to make sure you like it. I can't imagine you wouldn't.

The dive yesterday was in some ways lame. The bottom had no slope so we were only 5-15 feet deep. On the other hand I got to work on my bouyancy skill because that's the most difficult depth for that. I also got to do a good deed - I picked up about a dozen discarded cans, a dozen and a half golf balls, and nearly two dozen huge rubber worms. All garbage that shouldn't be there. The water was 52°F and my layering experiment worked. I was chilled at the end of the dive but not nearly hypothermic. I actually could have stayed a bit longer.

I also wonder, like Zen, if 50 or higher sunblock might allow you to wallow in the sun. I'd slather myself in anything to get outside. Hell I'm going to Alaska at the peak of bug season. I'm going to be bathing in picaridin. I so hate biting bugs - what the hell was god thinkinig?

Were it me, I'd get regular and humming bird feeders with suction cups and put them on the windows. I have a policy to never ask a question that can be answered "no". I'd let them come to me and tell me that I had to take them down. Not like you've got wild animals inside the apartment.

Been there, still there. Listening to Joe and Charlie about the past, the inventory, and moving on helped me some. It would be so much easier to say Ef it and keep on drinking. I have mixed feelings about that. I want to quit - but I don't want to quit. I want to be able to drink normally. I'm sure the diabetic wants to be able to eat what they want, when they want. I'm sure the quadraplegic wants to be able to move - at all. Somehow that doesn't translate to gratitude that I only don't have to drink. Sometimes I think I should make one more dive than I surface from. Nah, not yet. I'm not done fighting.

Hold Fast, both of you.

"H O L D F A S T" It's an old sailor's tradition; it meant both to hang on tight (which was life and death on an old ship, in a storm), but meant to be strong, be brave. It also had a faith connotation, hold to our faith in the face of fear and temptation; strength, stubbornness, resistance to the storms and the attacks. Hang on, batten down, stand strong. Hold Fast.

We WILL make it through this storm - together.

karilynn27

Funny you should use those words, here's something I hold on to
Hold Fast - Mercy Me - YouTube

Have done some basic snorkeling, loved it.
Me and sunscreen are becoming good friends, there are also protective fabrics. I'm in what they call a flare up and am still waiting to begin treatment so things should get better.
I'm going to end up with a lot of docs.
As for childhood issues, I'm right there with you.

we do rock.... we're still here, warts and all
Hold fast.... new motto:ghug3

Zencat

Looks to be just a chill out day here. My motivation is zip so far today. My sleep habits are a bit off kilter, running on 6 hr of snooze is got me all sluggish. Still hanging in there on the C&S front. Nap time can't get here soon enough.

karilynn27

Whatever it takes Zen, whatever it takes.

my body doesn't seem to be cooperating today, I'm used to my mind being jacked up. could be nap time for me too. Daughter has Sports banquet tonite so have to conserve vital energy resources for that.
Meanwhile I got calls into docs and am completely confused. I'm calling a primary I trust to see which specialist he thinks is best.
My psychiatrist tomorrow, get to tell him about the fact that I have disease, diseases to be determined.
Tired today... tried adding a multi vitamin and iron, stomach said fu. maybe crohns, who knows. they just keep throwing things out there with no treatment yet.
see ya later.... I'm a real ray of sunshine today

Charon

Had some setback early this week. Decided I could sneak a sip. I paid dearly for two days. Still not feeling normal but I'll make it through.

Karilynn,

Loved the Hold Fast vid. It brought tears to my eyes. Thanks.

I understand your frustration. A few years ago I was having serious issues. I couldn't walk up a single flight of stairs without my legs being terribly wobbly and being totally out of breath. Went to my Dr who sent me to a cardiologist who sent me to a lung specialist, who sent me to a neurologist. At each step they put me through tons of tests. I passed them all. In fact on the metcart (extreme stress test) I performaed at 130% of expected. Of course they told me nothing was wrong. Probably thought I was making it up.

The neurologist finally nailed it. It was something he had seen only once 40 years before, when he was in his residency. Turns out I had a mass about the size of a bar of soap on my thymus. It was cutting off blood flow during mild exertion but during strenuous exertion the heart pushed harder and I got enough blood through. They chopped a 3 inch piece of rib out and removed the mass and the thymus and I've been fine since. I hope you find doc that has seen your problem before. Sometimes that's what it takes. I think medicine is part ******.

Zen,

I'm taking a chill out day as well. It rained all day yesterday. Today is looking a bit brighter but it looks like PM showers. I'm switching my meetings today. I usually go to the 1pm wednesday and the 5:30pm thursday. I've got to be in court tomorrow at 7pm so the reversal is necessary. I guess I'll do some sweeping & vacuming, clean the downstairs bath, eat another chipotle burger for lunch, and then maybe go to bed and read some till it's meeting time.

Zencat

I have to comment on this:
NO SIPPING ALLOWED!

I do understand Charon. Learning a whole way to live, react to life, make complete changes in thinking and behavior is not a walk in the park for everybody. Sure some people do that in a snap, bada-bing their done with alcohol never to pick up a drink again. In AA it was Bill's white light experience, poof in a flash, his alcohol problems were gone. Me on the other hand, I'm going through the 'educational variety' of change. I'm learning some hard won lessons with a few snaps of the ruler across the knuckles from the teacher. In other words, I'm learning through experience.



I'm still in the 'deep chill' mood. I do have these slumps where my depression symptoms kinda stunt my motivation. I do get outside and meander around the apartment complex a couple few times, just to air out my raggedy self. No desires to drink, so that a big plus and haven't drank in a wile now, slap another star on my forhead.

Oh I did go with my BFF last night to an AA meeting at a sober house. 'S' was the speaker at the meeting. Her story is a trip, had the house residents cracking-up from time to time. Funny thing about her, she knows very little of the 12 step program, the book and all that stuff. She the 'meeting makers make it' recovered type with 6 yrs sober. I lover her bunches, she keeps me going in a wellness direction for sure.

Now for a motivational video with Bob Newhart (love him ) and Mo Collins (total cutie).

karilynn27

that was hilarious
I went to my psych doc yesterday and I always love it when He asks how I'm doing....
I don't know
your the one trying some new drug on me
I was like... well I'm still alive and not hospitalized.
He finally gets it and starts asking specific questions:*******:
He doesn't seem to be real happy about me having actual physical issues, what is he jealous that another doc may be able to help me?

karilynn27

Here's another song, this one came before the other song I posted and I spent more time screaming it than singing
Revelation sung by Third Day - YouTube

Music is pretty powerful for me and has been a theme through this journey