EternalQ

Bravo for you for coming on our thread right away. We are here for you, Kam. I say you need big hugs, and a plan right away. Well, first things first. :ghug3

TriGirl

Kam, no! Nothing is wasted! You've stopped for that long, so you know that it's possible to stop again. And stop with the guilt stuff about letting us down! We're here to support you -- not to judge your success or failure. Sorry, but you can't shake us off that easily. You're back, and you're honest. No one is asking for more than that. Now, hit that reset button, and start from where you already were. The growth you've made in the last 11 weeks did not go down the drain with that wine. We can do this!

EternalQ

Must be somethin goin 'round... because today all day I have felt like I just quit drinking yesterday, (not meaning I am going to drink) but meaning I feel like nothing in my life has shifted from how it was on day one. Life still a mess, still lonely and sad, and doing very little about it. I am on some kind of campaign to refuse to grow. I hid all day.

I know the reality is I have accomplished some things during this sober time (12 weeks today) but I have stopped fixing my life for weeks now. And it is not like I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm just not.

Clearly quitting the drink is not the magic answer that makes life all bright and shiny. Not that I thought it was... But I have ten years of bad habits to undo... Hiding being my favorite go to habit. I am in the dry "drunk phase" I guess. Acting the same way but only without a drink in my hand.

Anyway was hoping spelling that out would help me make some kind of psychological dent in it all. Will see, but in any case, thanks for listening, guys. thanks

EternalQ

I guess what I am saying is even after this time, some days are still back to being :"Today I won't drink" but that is about all I accomplish that day. So at any spot in this recovery gig, in one way or another, we are all beginning again.

Dee74

I think life is still life EQ - I have days when I accomplish a lot - and days when I get out of bed, and go back it to 14 hours later LOL

As long as it's not a pattern, I think it's ok to take both in our stride?

D

EternalQ

Yes just generally discouraged I guess.

I will keep an eye on it. If it persists after Mothers Day i will address it. I commit to that. (I'm saying that to myself as much as anyone.)

kam00096

Hey Guys.

Thank you so much for the support. Have had a good long think about things and actually not feeling too bad today. Basically yesterday's disaster was all about my issues with my stomach. Because I get so freaked out about being sick I can't convince myself it's just anxiety and yesterday was an especially bad day for feeling nauseated. Unfortunately for a long time my litmus test to work out if it was true nausea or just anxiety was to have a glass of wine and that's what I fell back to doing yesterday. Sure a week long battle with the parents didn't help either but the good thing is I still feel really positive about new job and new man! Appointments with alcohol counsellor and psychologist made for next week. And the good thing about yesterday was although the wine did calm my stomach I didn't enjoy it at all. Alcohol still tastes rank to me! No compulsion to drink today at all. Am so glad I have you guys so thanks again xx

JohnnyDetox

I have to say folks, I'm feeling a tad discouraged by all the slips and relapses going on. Some say it's part of recovery but I don't know. Looking back at all my relapses, I get a sense of the frustration others who've helped me must have felt. Not trying to be mean or harsh, just honest. Can't help but wonder if I'm next...sure hope not. jd

EternalQ

I read recently: "Relapse is not part of Recovery. It's part of Addiction."

But I know what you mean, JD, I have felt kind of scared by it. I feel I know myself fairly well, so does that mean I would have signs of slipping first? Or would it just happen out of the blue..? Cause when I hear about people relapsing it sounds like something just came over them. And I dont get that. But if that is what happens to people, I cannot help but worry, will that happen to me?

Dee74

It's easy to discouraged - we all care about each other.

I figured a long time back I have my own journey - there was a lot of doubling back, throwing my bundle down and running away...but I got there.

If I can do it...?

as for fear of relapse....all I really have to do is not put that glass to my lips...there's other things that really help that, like learning to enjoy life and coming to a peace with who I am, but at base level...that not drinking thing is it.

I think I can do that today...and repeat the process tomorrow...
I think we all can

D

TriGirl

Johnny & EQ, I think sometimes something just changes. Honestly, I knew in February when I came here that I was somehow not done yet. I wouldn't have been able to verbalize it, and I wasn't actively planning to drink again. I just felt it. It was the same way when I realized that I WAS done. It just felt different. I stopped saying, "I'm trying." or "I have to quit." It suddenly changed to, "It's over. I'm done." And I KNEW that was true. I know I'm only 5 weeks in at this point, so I don't have a lot to back this up with, but ask me again in 5 years. Something is just very different this time. Drinking just became not an option. Even the other day when I was really wanting a drink and feeling so frustrated, I never even came close to actually doing it. I'm not saying that I'm completely immune -- just that it doesn't feel like something that's very likely to happen.

Now, here's my point. I don't think I could have gotten to "It's over." without going everywhere I went. It might take more or fewer times for different people. (How many times did we all try to cut down before ever admitting a problem or looking for help?) But, I think the slips and returns put people closer and closer to the moment when something changes. Maybe you're already there. Maybe you're afraid that you're not. Just take the option of drinking completely off the table and keep moving forward. If you really feel like it's over, hold onto that feeling. It will get you through the rough spots.

Kam, you said the wine didn't even taste good. I think that's a good sign. You're starting to internalize that you DON'T really want it. I love the fact that I didn't enjoy my last drink. I suddenly saw it for what it was, felt disgusted by it, and put it down.

We can ALL do this! I believe in us!!!

EternalQ

Well said, trigirl. :-)

kam00096

Really sorry if folks are feeling discouraged or worried because of my slip. Guess that's one of the problems with a site like this where we're all sot of invested in each others recovery. But everyone's circumstances and feelings about drinking are different and I don't think it's likely to suddenly creep up on you or come out of nowhere. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

EternalQ

Yes, have a great weekend all! Lets get out there and show the world how good sober living is done!

EternalQ

Grateful that I met up with my Father and spent some time with him. We went out to dinner later, and sat at the restaurant bar to eat... He was drinking O'Douls, I was drinking my club soda, cranberry, and a lime. Peace amidst the masses.

BoozeFree

Hope everyone is having a good weekend! Day 2 for me. It was so nice to have a productive day today compared to sitting with a beer in hand all day watching tv. Today I cleaned my room, dishes, pulled weeds out back and gave the dogs a bath. Had some dinner and a soda and now watching some tv before bed.

EternalQ

Good for you, bf. You sound clear.

JohnnyDetox

Hey Gang.

Beautiful morning here, sun's up and not a clould in the sky. Fairly quiet weekend so far, daughters teeth are bothering her, not much but enough. Did some yard work, almost caught 2 snakes with kid in the valley..."SNAKE!" and off I'd go crashing through the brush. The small ones are pretty quick. Checked out the 'Super Moon" last night, just looked like a regular full moon to me but..

Feeling more focused on my own sobriety, did some deep thinking while pulling weeds yesterday. Everyone has their own path to follow, including myself. Since my recovery journey has lasted 6 or so years and have only 3 months to show for it, perhaps I've no right to feel bummed by others mis-steps, I still do mind you, but the frustration is gone. It is what it is. Just a ltttle surprised is all.

Not to worry, cause Johnny still loves ya!

JohnnyDetox

PS...thanks TriGirl.

BoozeFree

Thanks EQ! I'm feelin a lil better each day!

Ya JD I saw the moon too last night and looked pretty normal to me.

Got up early today and took my dog out. It's nice to stop and enjoy the fresh air and the birds in the sky. When up till a few days ago I was hiding behind sunglasses or in my room on the weekends with the curtains closed.