Dee74

We continue from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pt-5-a-20.html

D

tanja

Good Morning Sobertobers,

((PhilB)) - So glad you posted. You always brighten my day with your inspirational posts. I will try the meditation post!

Geralt- Thank you for your post. God bless you. Alcoholism is a terrrible way to live. It truly is a life and death battle. The likelihood of overdose and/or health related problems is scary as hell. If I get tempted - I will re-read your post. You are inspirational to me!

Wishing everyone a happy sober Monday

philb

Thank you everyone for the warm reception. Geralt, I wanted to particularly respond to your very poignant posting. For myself as well...it simply reached a point where a relapse was no longer an option for me. I had always held the notion "well if all else fails I can always fall back on "that" " I want to live and I was and am in a life and death situation to which I opt for life. I have never told this group either, but I have been in the emergency room of our local hospital in the past unconscious where I had to have my stomach pumped with liquid charcoal and upon regaining consciousness the Doctors could not be convinced that I was not attempting suicide and I was placed involuntarily into the hospital on a suicide watch (when really I had just overdosed myself on pills and alcohol). My entire neighborhood got to witness a firetruck and a paramedic carting me out of the house like I was dead. Upon being released, I immediately went back to drinking and consuming pills. My family has found me unconscious on the floor when they have arrived home (what a wonderful sight for them to behold and see as an example). I have been so sick from withdrawels that I thought I would die and I'm lucky I didn't. I have embarrassed myself at work, with other relatives and friends and I honestly would not survive another relapse. What it finally boiled down to were three entities...me, myself and I. All the support systems in the world can't keep me from walking to the corner liquor store in the next five minutes. Only I can do that....and thats where it all lies, for me in the end...with myself and my responsibility to myself. I can't kid myself any longer with one more excuse and I firmly know I absolutly will not...cannot relapse or I, like you Geralt can say goodbye to this world in a terrible way that would leave the ones I love in shambles. A glass of wine, a beer or a shot of vodka is very unappealing to me given all the above. I'm so thankful that all of the support like this great group exists to assist me in what is ultimately my own responsibility and choice.

sadsoul2011

Hi to all! Hope everyone is surviving Monday!

First - Welcome back PhilB - great to see you I was beginning to think you ran away to the islands and decided to stay. LOL How was your vacation? Was it as beautiful as I would imagine it to be? Sounds heavenly!

Thanks to all the heartfelt posts the last couple of days. Such good reminders on why we're here and sober. I'm so glad that the stories are turning out with happy endings. Thanks for sharing to help the rest of us! Very generous!

I made it through the weekend and am feeling a little better now. I'm not going to drink but all the feelings bubbling around are unsettling. I guess I *was* drowning my feelings in booze all those years. .

Does anyone else feel lonely in their real life these days? I'm realizing that I have a very weak support system - actually non-existent. Little by little over the years I've let friendships go and now I'm so busy with work and kids that there isn't time to make meaningful friendships. Lots of acquaintences, but no true friends. Thankfully I have you guys! Thanks for listening

Well, time to run - lots and lots to do...... It is hard to find the time to sort my feelings out; which will definitely take time - time I have little of..... Frustrating

But onward we must go....the sober journey is worth everything!

Hugs, peace and strength to all!!

Geralt

Well, now that I am confessing I might well go on. During my alcohol binges I also sometimes took amphetamines just so I wouldn't fall asleep and drink longer. I only use those drugs when drunk, so the last time was October. When withdrawing from alcohol I put myself full with valium to survive the withdrawal.

Also from basically 2000-2007 I took every drug possible (XTC, cocaine, mushrooms, speed, GHB etc.) and available in the Netherlands, except for heroine and meth. Thank god I didn't take them on a daily basis, so I never developed an addiction for them. I also never injected anything.

Just wanted to share what a junkie I was/am.

Someone

Every evening
I get the same feeling
Something is missing
I know that when I get home
Nobody will greet me, ooh

Walk into my empty house
And I look around, oh,
That’s why I’m searching
I’m tired of hurting
As long as it takes
I wont stop until I find somebody to love me
When I feel I’m wasting my time
I keep this in mind

There’s got to be someone for me
There’s got to be someone for me
Must be someone that’s got what I need
There’s got to be someone for me

Somewhere out there
And that’s what I dream of
I want to know real love, oh yeah
The type that is made for
Only me and no-one else
Somebody to hold me
When I feel I don’t know myself
Somebody to know me (know me, know me)

sadsoul2011

(((Geralt))) Thanks for sharing so much with us! You are *amazing*!

You should feel so proud of how hard you've worked and how far you've come! You're an inspiration! You're very brave and I think your life is very special and only going to get better and better. Enjoy every new moment of your sober life

I'm glad you're a Sobertober

philb

Geralt: I think what you shared is both great and inspiring. It inspired me to just tell all and to reconfirm that going back is just not an option period. Ever. Its not going to happen. You have really accomplished great things. I fully understand the enormity of recovering from both drugs and alcohol.

I'll tell you Sadsoul it was very tempting to runaway to those enchanted islands permanetly. Yet I'm not an artisan...I can only draw stick people lol. I don't think I could sell them. I'm not sure how I would earn a living. The wildlife is just amazing and nearly beyond description. Its one of those you have to see it to believe it things. It was birthing season for the sealions and we visited a beach with hundreds and hundreds....you could walk up to them within several feet as they have absolutely no fear of humans. The giant land tortoises were everywhere on one island...the males are usually 500 pounds...what is nearly beyone belief is that our naturalist guide said they can live to be 165! Many of the ones we saw he said were well over 100 years old. Amazing. There were both huge land and sea iguanas. They are able to interbreed so there is a highbrid of both land and sea iguanas. The pool at our eco-hotel was so cool...the wild birdlife would land in the pool for an afternoon dip! Our favorite was one called The Blue Footed Boobie lol. Very beautiful with webbed feet like a duck but they are bright blue. The hotel is incredible and the prices not as shocking as one might think and all meals were included. We were able to visit four different islands and stayed on the main island of Santa Cruz with in a beautiful village called Puerto Aroyo. Just outside our hotel door was a hammock overlooking the Pacific...trust me it was well used. Just an amazing experience.

Have a good night all.

Dee74

maybe you could be a tortoise keeper, phil

I keep coming back and keep meaning to say - thank you from me too for sharing your story Geralt

D

Birchgreen

I know what you mean. I too feel lonely sometimes, but it has been my choice. I do have true friends & a loving husband - I'm just too ashamed to let them know how bad things have been. I am so scared that if they knew quite how I really was, I would lose them or, if not that, they would behave differently towards me when they realise how I've been deceiving them all these years. It has been my choice to deal with this nightmare by myself - hence my gratitude for all the Sobertobers for being there and for being such a huge support for me.

tanja

Good Morning Everyone,

Geralt - It takes great courage to share your experiences with us all. I too could have been hospitalized on many occasions. I too have been found in an unconcious state. It makes my hair stand on end remembering these events. I left my 15 year old beagle (dying of kidney disease) out in 20 degree temperature while I was passed out in the bed. Thank God, my husband came home and let my dog in. I pride myself on trying to be the best pet owner I can be. Alcoholism doesn't allow it. Those memories fill me with incredible shame, guilt and remorse. The good news is that we are given a reprieve every day if we make the decision not to drink.

PhilB- Your vacation sounds wonderful. I just love sealions. My mood is lifted everytime I read your posts

Sad and birch - I too get lonley. I have been isolated in this house for six months due to the panic attacks and driving situation. I also have no support system other than SR. SR did enable me to make it to 39 days and I am so grateful for that. It is the first place I go in the a.m. I am determined to go to a face to face meeting this evening. I am determined to drive there. I do have to continually fight off feelings that I am real loser because I haven't be able to drive. I don't like asking people to drive me because I feel like I am a burden. The past few months have been difficult for me because of the chronic fatigue and headaches. It's been disconceting because I have doubled or sometimes tripled my exercise. I have suffered from chronic fatigue my whole life. But, since I retired it just seems to have rendered me non-functional. I have to remind myself to be patient and if all I am suffering from is fatigue than I am doing pretty well. I must stop comparing myself to others and be proud of the sober days that I have been able to string together. Sending good thoughts and prayers to all Sober Tobers!

philb

I "know" you Tanja...you're anything but a loser. I know how debilitating panic attacks can be. Just a suggestion for a potential: If the driving is of concern, I would bet you could call your local chapter of AA and ask if someone might please come pick you up and drive you home from a meeting if you described your situation and I'm sure they would not find it burdensome to do so. It might then remove the driving concern from your mind and help get you in the door. I'm also quite certain local people from AA would be very happy to come visit you in your home if you asked the local chapter. Having a sponsor (my sponsor has come to my house a number of times to work with me on the steps) working the steps with someone and not by myself, and attending meetings has been invaluable to me.

sadsoul2011

Yeah - things are picking up around here!!

PhilB - Wow! Thanks for sharing about your trip! Sounds absolutely amazing!! What a wonderful experience. After reading about all you've been through and then reading about your wonderful family vacation. You must be so proud of how far you've come. You've committed to change and have really been working hard. Your family must be proud and grateful as well! Congrats! What a wonderful example you are for all of us - thanks!

Tanja - Good luck with tonight. I really liked the suggestion to see if you can get a ride with another AA participant. What better person to understand what all you're going through. It would take the pressure off getting to the meeting. I'm glad you're going - it sounds like it will be very good for you! Let us know how it all works out.

Birchgreen - It can be a lonely road. Thank goodness for the SR lifeline....

Littlesparrow, Honeypie, Geralt, Miela, Dee - Good to hear from you guys!!

Deserto, Bozboz, Gerbosko (and every wonderful person I've missed......) hoped everything is ok?!? Stop by and let us know how you are doing if you get a moment! We miss you guys!

sadsoul2011

On a personal note - the last week has been hard. Still not drinking and don't want to; I'm just feeling like blah! . First, my AV was kicking around but I got it quieted down now I just feel out of it.

I'm not sick - just having a hard time getting started with anything. I have to force myself to do just about everything but lay in front of the TV (and I have lots to do LOL). My brain is super fuzzy and doesn't want to concentrate on anything worthwhile. Not to mention the nagging headache I've had for 3 days.

I know there isn't anything that can be done for me - just try to get some rest, lots of water, vitamins and healthy food ..... workout. However, all of that takes effort.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm just frustrated.....I wonder if it is related to quitting drinking....but, no way to know I guess. My lack of energy and enthusiasm is starting to make me feel anxious and nervous. Up until now I've been feeling great. Is it my AV trying to "get at me" from another direction? I don't know Sigh!

Is anyone else having problems like this?

Enemdio

Tanja,

Would it be possible for you to get mobile by bike? I don't want to sound silly - it may be that where you live is 50 miles from anywhere, but you can quickly build up distances especially if you live in a flat area - great exercise, too.

Sad - yes, I still feel fuzzy and not very motivated but I do think I might be starting to come out of it a little. I seem only really to be able to work half the day! I get away with this because I work for my own company but it means the business probably isn't progressing as well as it might.

On the plus side, I still miss drinking but overall I'm so pleased I've stuck with sobriety so far. I am beginning to glimpse a new me in a new future, if only now and again.

This thread has certainly woken up.

sadsoul2011

General - So good to hear from you! It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one; BUT I feel so bad that you feel this way, too. Crazy isn't it? I hope it all passes soon.....

I'm glad to hear that you're having glimpses of your wonderful future

philb

Nah Sadsoul its not crazy at all. General, Birchtree and Tanja and everyone, I have many days when I go through much the same thing.... All the while thinking I've hit the best time in my life why am I feeling like this? I find motivating myself a very hard thing to do, and some undefined anxiety and depression will hit me and linger. It can be a fairly prolonged state of funk for me. It makes me feel like I want to isolate and just be alone or turn on the tv and just zone out. I don't really want to call my sponsor or go to a meeting about it either...I'll do the same thing....eating well, vitamins, lots of water yet I still can't totally pull out of it. I have learned one thing that has helped me with this to a degree that just involves myself...I'll set some sort of positive goal (s) for myself, family, or my self esteem that day (or this day) or for even the next few hours...then...for me at least, its just like a navigation system in the car...I have to be precise with the goals (for example I couldnt punch into my car's navigation system "I want to go someplace "nice"....it wouldn't know what to do or which direction to head in). Therefore I define precisely on paper what I would like to do all on my own to improve things for the day or a few hours then set my course and head towards that goal. It keeps my headspace occupied on a positive and specific task. When I reach the goal, I feel a sense of accomplishment and a lot better and I can then chuck the piece of paper out and do the whole thing over again if I have to. It may seem like kind of a silly little trick, but I've found it pretty handy to pull myself out of myself. As you said Sadsoul, I hope everyone not posting is doing well.

sadsoul2011

PhilB - Good Advice! I actually did do something like that earlier today. I set a list of 4 things I wanted to get done before I left work today. O.K. - I must tell the truth - they were things that had to get done or else because I had already let them go waaayyyy too long. However - still have gotten some satisfaction in having them done. I'll have to work on "in a timely manner" in the future LOL. I am normally a Type A / list making person; that is a big part of why this period of time is so darn frustrating.

Thanks for sympathizing. I appreciate it!

tanja

Sad,

I feel the same way. I feel tired and depressed. I don't want to go to the AA meeting feeling this way. I have tried eating to ease the headache, fatigue and depression. My husband is here and I asked if he would take me. I have done that before and then just reneged on the idea. Maybe, I will try and force myself to go for a change. General - I like the idea of a bike. I just need to buy one

sadsoul2011

Tanja,

Hi! Maybe you can put your AA meeting on your "to-do" list for tonight like PhilB suggested. Think of how great you'll feel after you go - yeah! I have now put a couple of chores on my list for tonight.

< PhilB better be right >

Let us know how the meeting is!

tanja

Thanks, Sad! Yes, it is on my "to do" list because I want to live! I always do feel better once I have gone. I will let you know how it is