philb

Thanks Miela and Tanja. I wish I had deleted that post I created. It got typed out in a moment of while trying to figure out financial pressures that I am dealing with as a result of someones addiction and I got angry with addiction itself. Thank you for the support yet still, it didn't even really sound like me typing the words I sort of regret them. Hang in there Miela and everyone else. That is a beautiful prayer Tanja it was on the back of my dad's funeral announcement a few years ago. I'm not surprised he resonates with you in his being the patron saint of the animals and enviornment. I like that he also said start by doing whats necessary, then what is possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Miela

Well, I'm glad you didn't delete it Phil. Everybody in the addict's life is affected and these are the things we need to hear sometimes, I think anyway.

M

Ps Gosh, Tanja, that prayer brings me right back! We used to sing it in school and I loved that particular hymn so much

Dee74

Sorry for my reduced presence - been ill.
I had no problems with your post either Phil - honestys important

I destroyed my life as much on pot as anything else Miela - it is addictive and just because it's (debatably) 'natural' doesn't mean it's not dangerous - especially for people like us who have a propensity to being addicted.

Be careful.

D

Gerbosko

Dad and his friend came to visit me and my brother, they're starting to go to sleep right now but all afternoon I had beer around me. I'll type more tomorrow but I had no urges or nothing, even as I had to move one of the bottles. They wanted to go to a bar but I told them that I wouldn't go if they did. They respected what I said and we went back to my house. They drank in my house but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

tanja

Dee,

I hope you are feeling better Gerbosko - Glad to hear being around alcohol didn't faze you. I think for some of us that may take a while. A few years ago, I did manage two months of sobriety with my husband drinking. Day 22 for me alcohol free - I see 30 days within my grasp. I have reached 30 days and then some multiple times. Perhaps, I think I have reached a milestone and let my guard down. I think I might ramp it up this time (more AA meetings, more reading) to ensure continued sobriety. Hope everyone has a happy saturday.

Gerbosko

Well I had a hell of a night putting up with them LOL.

First off I'm going to say that I'm a very quiet and reserved person. I don't make a scene in public and I'm far past laid back. I don't have any desire to have attention focused on me, it scares me or makes me extremely nervous if a group of people are focused on me.

Now.. With that said, my dad is the opposite. He's one of those that just doesn't give a hoot about what people think about him, and he acts out in public and doesn't care. We went to a local restaurant last night and he was hitting on the waitress and saying out loud what he was thinking about the other women sitting around him. He was mainly talking to his buddy, but I just sat there and shook my head. After that we went to Goodwill where they were making a little scene, in good humor, but embarrassing still but it was funny - He ended up picking up a few things for me there - A recliner, end table, and a lamp, which is great .

Then we went over to Dollar General, after I purchased my stuff I walked out, and they stayed in and of course, started flirting with the cashier. They walk out laughing, and then they go back in.. Then they came back out just bursting with laughter.. I have my hand on my head at this point and think "oh boy, what now..". Come to find out the cashier tried carding my dad, because he picked up beer, and she wanted to know his address and phone number (he didn't give it to her).. After they walked out and then back in the cashier and my dad got their picture taken together - She was madly in love with him and he thought it was hilarious. Anyways we finally leave and go back to my apartment where they sat and drank and I had my tea, we ended up watching a movie and then they went to bed.

This morning I had to take the beer bottles out of my recyclables bag and I just put them in my trash bag and put it outside. I feel bad they're not being recycled, but I don't want that crap in my house. No way. Trash bag was only 1/4 full when I put them in, sigh.

My dad's buddy though, he's a good guy and all but he's in the very advanced stages of alcoholism. That's all he talked about while he was here, and once they got here, he actually started to get worried and depressed that he didn't have alcohol in his hands. He was complaining till we finally went to the restaurant. My dad told me "Beer a requirement" for anywhere we went and ate, I just shook my head. The look on my dad's friends face was awful, and really quite sad. If he didn't have a beer in his hand, he just sat there and moped. I've learned a lot just from his body language and what he was talking about. He could hardly function without alcohol. I wasn't that bad with alcohol, so that really taught me what people with advanced alcoholism are like. I may of drank daily, but I didn't think about it 24/7. All my dad and him talked about was bars and the selection of alcohol at the grocery store - well, 98% of the conversations between them were that way.

The beer is out of my house, that was the main thing on my list. There is no desire, only a feeling that I cannot describe.

I forgot to add that the waitress came back to refill my tea and I didn't know it was tea, I started freaking and said "wait, wait!" as she was filling my cup. Then I realized it was tea and said "sorry, I thought you were pouring beer in my cup", and chuckled about that. Every time she came and filled up my cup, I was caught by surprise of thinking it was alcohol and was going to say "no!".

Anyways this morning went alright, they're at my brothers house which is about 30 minutes from here. Boy, what an adventure. I've learned that my mind is truly made up, which is such an amazing feeling. I've never ever was this strict towards preventing something. When I quit smoking, someone would offer me one and I'd just say "no thanks" and that was that, with really no thought process on even saying "sure". I've never was like "wait! no! don't!". lol.

Take care everyone, I'll have to catch up on this thread.. I've been posting in the cafe central forum a ton.

philb is back though I see, didn't get a chance to read your post but I hope you enjoyed my nude body while on vacation! I hope that was you anyways, or else I just scarred some strangers for life.

tanja

Gerbosko,

Thsnk you for the post. It was just what I needed. I claim close to giving in to the urge. But, I talked myself out of it. Trigger was fatigue. I thought it through and also know drinking will get me anything but the rest I need. I too don't like being the center of attention with people looking at me. Although, I think I better try and share my craving story at my AA meeting tonight and of course with my sponsor. Close call - pretty scary. So, to read about advanced alcoholics - boy, that's a road I DO NOT want to go down.

tanja

Sorry for the typo "claim" should be "came". I am pretty tired

Miela

I hope you're feeling better now Dee?

I'm sorry Dee, I didn't mean to make it sound like it was saying it's OK (rushing in work as I was posting) - I completely agree with you, natural doesn't mean harmless. I know that I am addicted to anything that 'switches' the sh*t off in my head for a while. I was going to try and make my point more clearly again, but no matter what way I package it, I'm just trying to justify it and that's not helpful to either myself and other users of SR.

Gerbosko, I'm very impressed with how you handled your dad's visit. You are truly inspirational.

Tanja, keep fighting. Hope today was a good day for you. Looking forward to hearing how your meeting went

tanja

Good Morning All,

Initially the AA meeting that I attended last night had only 5 attendees (including me). More and more people drifted in. I did actually share that I had a pretty powerful craving, almost gave in, but did manage to talk myself out of it. I shared that I was frightened and depressed. Depressed because I barely managed to get over this craving, the thought of fighting this off or perhaps not able to do so for the rest of my life. One man shared that Dr. Bob (of AA) had a craving every single day of this life (16 years). I believe my eyes bulged out of my head. There was a woman there that I greatly admire. She was hospitalized due to alcoholism and her organs were shutting down. She barely made it. She did manage to achieve 4 months of sobriety on her own. Her son has tumors in the brain. That led to relapse. She joined AA, but said she didn't do what she was supposed to do and relapsed. She was going through withdrawals and actually able to go to an AA meeting. The AAer's told her to go the hospital. They helped to feed her and take care of her. She was unemployed and attended 3-4 meetings a day. She shares in meetings a lot. She only has 32 days sober. I touched her arm at the end of the meeting and told her how inspirational she was to me. She told me that after I shared last week-end about my husband drinking at home that she came running after me. I have a habit of making a hasty retreat from the meetings (must not do that). She said her husband drinks at home too. That was so comforting to hear. She and another woman asked if I wanted to attend another meeting. I declined. The woman that I so admire, had attended a AA workshop that day and two back to back AA meetings. Wow, I told her. I did get both of these women's numbers as my sponsor has recommended. There were also a young woman fresh out of detox and a gentlemen who had five years of sobriety, but relapsed and was fresh out of detox. I welcomed the young woman and gave her hug. There is nothing like seeing someone else in pain and much greater obstacles to bear to snap yourself out of your own self-absorption. I do feel I need to ramp up the AA meetings. This is a goal for me. I plan on attending a step meeting tonight after visiting my mom. Wishing everyone a happy mothers day:day6

Dee74

I don't know much about Dr Bob Tanja but I know it's been a long time since my last craving

I don't believe recovery needs to be endured - it should be enjoyed.

Increasing your support is a good move in that direction, I think
D

tanja

Thanks, Dee - I needed to hear that I honestly don't think the cravings will last years. Another woman reassured me at that meeting that they would pass. It's just difficult in early sobriety and my mind took a negative turn. Even in the short time that I have been sober - it is the difference between heaven and self-imposed hell!

nvrbeentospain

Checking in for my first time in a long time. I think I got all maudlin the last time I posted and decided to avoid posting for ages. Anyway, still sober and coming up on 7.5 months. The cravings are there, but they're diminishing. I've also gotten more used to going out with other people and not drinking, realizing that it's about as fun as going with them and drinking. No hangovers remains pretty damn awesome, and I've lost about 15 lbs with all the working out and reduced caloric intake I've been able to do. So yeah, life is better.

Dee74

I don't remember you being maudlin?
good to see you nvr

D

Miela

Welcome back Nvrbeentospain Congratulations on 7.5 months!! It sounds like your doing really well.

The sun is shining here (finally!) this morning after an absolutely horrible evening and night with my partner. I wish I had an earlier appointment with my therapist but his times this week clashed with my schedule so I won't see him until next week

At least the sun is shining

tanja

Good Morning All,

Congratulations Neverbeen to spain! I woke up very early this a.m. at 5:00. I got on facebook to wish my friend a happy birthday. I saw that I had a message. It was from my brother-in-law. His wife is an alcoholic and very abusive. She has called me up and raged at me, accused me of being sneaky and just generally abusive. She has pulled a gun on my husband, her husband's cousin and room-mate. She has abused my father-in-law so bad that they almost came to blows. She has started fights on my mother-in-laws birthday and other occasions. Her husband almost always takes her side. She is now sober. This email was nasty. It told me to stop talking negatively about his wife, told me that it "sickened him", to leave the past alone, act like an adult, quit posting public posts to facebook about her runing holidays, that it wasn't her fault, that I needed to respect her, that they were in love, he was sticking by her and going to be a better husband. Mind you, this man said she was the most abusive person he ever knew. When I last saw him - I asked about his wife and he stated "that she was still bitchy". I was absolutely furious when I read the email. For several reasons: 1) disingenuous; 2) failure to acknowledge her egregious behavior; 3) nasty tone; 4) her failure to make amends. I rose above it. I told him that I was confused by the email. That I don't recall making any such post to facebook. That perhaps I had been drinking and didn't realize what I had done. That I offered my apologies and amends. I ended by saying that I always thought he was a supportive husband. I then showed the email to my husband. He snickered at the part where his brother claimed his wife was not at fault. He also told me that I did post something to facebook about six months ago. Apparently, she was bugging her husband do something about. She has a habit of letting things fester and then going ballistic. I suspect that she was right there with him adding her nasty input. I was very bothered by this email. Consequently, I am tired, resentful and angry. Not a good place for an alcholic to be! But, I am not about to drink over it. I just keep thinking about it over and over in my mind. I have tried to read St Francis of Assisi's prayer and that helps. I have tried putting myself in her shoes and that helps. But, it sticks in my craw that the message was disrespectful. I have always been on his side when they have had troubles and it is easier for him to acquiese to her to get her off his back. I am the kinder and more reasonable person and he knows it. Thank you for letting me vent. I really need to go soak in a warm lavendar bath and do some inspirational reading.

tanja

Good Afternoon All,

It is amazing how much you can want sobriety, work it, be committed to it and in one instant give in the chronic cravings. I have heard it said it is far easier to fight off the cravings then to deal with the aftermath. I called me sponsor and she gave me the best advice she could. Fatigue is a huge trigger for me. I tried to take a bath, prayed, read and tried to lie down. I could not sleep. I ran to the husband's closet and saw there was beer. I fought the cravings off for over one hour. I did what was suggested. I posted, I talked to my sponsor and I prayed. Then I picked up. I just blew 23 days of sobriety. I want it with every fiber of my being. Yet, I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. I really thought that AA was helping me. I know what is in store for me in the next 3-4 days. Misery, self-loathing, dissapointment in my self. Not taking care of my animals in the way that they deserve. I have to call my sponsor and let her know I failed. I feel I have wasted her time, disappointed her and let everyone down. Please say a prayer for me.

Miela

I'm sorry to hear that Tanja. Are you attending one-to-one therapy? What other supports do you have outside of AA?

tanja

Sweet Miela,

I have a hard time functioning due to the insomnia and panic attacks. An addiction counselor might be another option.

Miela

It sounds like it might be a good idea. You have spoken about how challenging you find speaking at meetings so possibly you are not getting the full benefit from them if you are unable to share right now? I still find it hard speaking with my therapist but it's getting easier each time I go.

Tanja, this will kill you in the end. Your loved ones will never recover if they lose you to this disease, but you can recover. Please make the most of all resources available to you.

M x