unentschieden

I've been in the work hole, but still practicing yoga everyday.

Since it's past midnight it is day 56; the number of days I went last time before justifying the glass of wine while waiting for the red eye home.

This time is much different, but frankly I haven't been in very many high risk situations.

Been accomplishing small things around the house with all the time I have on my hands and it makes me realize that I have neglected myself for too long.

Funny how last night I had another bout of being pissed off that I had to quit forever but tonight I'm totally at peace with it.

My thoughts are too random and disjointed...bedtime!

Charon

I just realized that I am cured. I can drink as much alcohol as I want without consequences. The reason is that I also just realized that I really don't want to drink any alcohol ever. (Bet I had you going)

I know if I did drink I'd be back in the same hole I dug most of my life. I also know that the demons in my head will try to convince me otherwise at some point - but for the first time in my life I actually and honestly don't want to drink. I sure hope this lasts. I'm not going to trust that it will. I still intend to do everything I've been doing, if only for precautionary maintenance.

Stuart12

Charon,

That's amazing and really good news. Is this something that you have slowly being working up to or did it just suddenly occur to you that after a period of abstinence you really did not fancy a drink?

I seem to be able to go so far and then the whole idea of never having another drink again just seems to unacceptable. I seem to be able to overcome this feeling sometimes, other times a couple of glasses of cider or a glass of wine is just enough and I can leave it at that. The urge to drink much more or god forbid anything stronger does seem to have gone completely.

I'm not sure whether this means I was just someone who let his drinking become habitual and then a bit heavy and now I have reverted to what 'normal' people are like, i.e. occasional glass of wine or pint in the pub with friends, or whether I'm just a weak individual who can't hack the idea of giving up completely.

I must admit that as a consequence of all this my wife has given up alcohol and she does not miss it at all. Ironically this makes my occasional glass someway furtive, something I don't like. It will blow up in my face eventually, always does...

Anyway, 7.53am here on Sunday and it's been a week since I have had a drink and at the moment this is fine with me.

Congratulations on reaching this stage in life, not wanting a drink must be the conclusion so many here would aspire to I am sure. Me included.

Regards

Stuart

Dee74

If you're a drinker like me Stuart I hope eventually you will get to a point where forever seems reasonable.

I look back now (and I'm not picking on you Stuart...I write this for anyone who might read it)...but whenever I let alcohol stay in my life, no matter how small of role I assigned it, I was really setting myself up for a fall, because I proved time and again I had no consistent control of alcohol....it always ended up managing me, not the other way around.

D

Charon

I don't know how familiar you might be with AA terminology. They use the phrase "coming back" for having relapsed and starting over. I was the "coming back kid". I must have had a thousand "last drinks". I've been working on quitting for about 6 years. I've tried everything and I mean everything.

At the meeting yesterday I shared the steps I had to go through before I could really begin the process of staying quit. I realized that I drank a lot, I realized that I drank too much, I realized that I couldn't control how often I drank, I realized that I should quit, I realized that I needed to quit, I realized that I wanted to quit, I realized that I wanted to be sober, and finally I realized that I really don't want a drink - even if I somehow could drink safely.

Maybe that progression seems like semantics but if you think about it it really is a bunch of tiny steps (changes in perspective/attitude) over a long period of time.

I don't begrudge the people who can drink normally. In some ways I wish I could have been one of them. All in all though I know I won't miss it that much. I quit smoking quite a while ago and the thought of smoking again doesn't compute. I remember I used to like it but don't remember why. There are just too many other things I love to do and drinking doesn't facilitate any of them.

karilynn27

Congrats stig, I know its late but
I'm still at the point where I know I can't quit forever but I am proving to be capable of 24 hours.
Unen...getting close to 2 months

Zencat

Still hanging in there and just past the one month mark

Dee74

Way to go Zen

D

karilynn27

That's so cool Zen!!!
I got another 24 hrs behind me so I'm happy.
Keep hangin

Stuart12

Charon,
What you have said here has made quite an impression on me, must have read it over about 10 times. It is fundamentally where I need to be heading. I feel like writing it out a hundred times. I also realise this but then something just flips after so many days. I'm just going to have to try harder and make a greater effort to reject any siren voices suggesting a couple of drinks will be ok.

As I have said before it seems sometimes that it's more the 'idea' of having a drink more than anything else. The fact that my wife has decided to give up drinking, in support or me, is fantastic but at the same time raises the ante somewhat in that any slippage on my front is not just bad news for me but also becomes an affront to her endeavours as well. It's great to have the support but it also comes with a huge about of emotional expectation as well.

I think I probably spend too much time thinking about all this stuff. Perhaps there is something in that, for example I'm sure if anybody spends lots of time hankering after something but resisting it is only a matter of time before something gives, and the inevitable happens.

I will try and concentrate on the ultimate truth, that I don't want to have a drink. Perhaps by focusing on this I might begin to banish these ideas of the occasional drink for good.

Thanks

Stuart

Charon

Totally agree. It's like an obsession/compulsion that is almost impossible to oppose. I have to try and dismiss the thought without even examining it. One of the techniques they taught at Brat in the "mood" section was to just observe the feeling, then step back and observe that you are having a feeling, and then move on - just dismiss it as just a feeling. I find that the less time I spend thinking about drink the better off I am.

Charon

One more thing I've had to do. Since, when I get a compulsion it's as if I have no control, like I go on autopilot, I've had to have all of the money in the house (including the coin jar) hidden. Pretty pathetic, I know, but if it prevents me from drinking it's worth it. I don't think this will have to be forever, but for a while I want to be sure there is no posibility of buying alcohol. I get a dollar as I head to a meeting. Right now that's all the money I need.

karilynn27

Charon, I don't think that's pathetic I think it shows how much this means to you. I had to have my son drive me around and a daughter constantly check up on me.
I'm not above doing anything to make sure I don't drink.
Whatever works is my motto. 40 days in and I still can't believe it.

hereigo

In order to quit, I had to see that my time had truly arrived. The party had to finally end. I am at an age where I have been drinking heavily, daily, for many years (decades). I am also at an age where my creative and productive years are not over, so I still have dreams and some time left to achieve them.

It seems I could not put down the booze for so many years, when I thought (even if subliminally) that I could still get away with my drinking for awhile longer.

If one is young enough, one can play the game of multiple half-hearted attempts at quitting. When it gets late enough in the game, and the problems cumulatively add up and life gets painful enough, one may finally quit. Sometimes this may be what it takes for some individuals to finally quit.

I wish I had come to this realization at least 10 years ago. When time goes by, you do not get it back. I feel my potential to achieve and succeed has been greatly reduced by alcohol. I cried and complained and "tried" to quit for years and years. Since I finally did quit, it has become ever more clear how important it was to face down my addiction as if my life depended on it.

It helped very much for me to make it completely clear to all my family and friends that I was addicted to alcohol. I shared openly the mess I was in and had been hiding for so many years. I came out of hiding, and that was an important part of the process. There were many "attempts" at quitting before I finally quit. I tried many approaches, with no success.

I finally quit when I felt I had exhausted all possibilities.

When I made that decision, it was a distinct life-changing event. There is still alcohol in my house (because my wife likes to have a beer after work), but I am not attracted to it. I continue to work on my awareness of my thinking about alcohol. I want to stay on top of it, because if I ignore it and take it for granted, I know it could sneak up on me.

Wishing success in overcoming addiction for you and for me!

Charon

Cooking chicken tonight. I'll probably bake it with a Panco coating and serve it with baked potato and broccoli. Might watch a movie with my wife tonight. If not I might go over to my Dad's and watch NYPD Blue (we're on season 6). Not sure if I'm going to the early afternoon or early evening meeting. Got to get back to making my schedule the day before. It's so much easier that way.

Thanks for all the support, kind words, and suggestions. It really helps!

karilynn27

I think planning is highly overrated

unentschieden

Hi Everyone,

I'm slowly in emerging from the work hole. Overall I'm doing well. Day 60 passed quietly, but the AV did pop out it's head and said, "we should celebrate!". Of course it meant with a drink.

The BF leaves today and I'm home alone until Sunday when I leave for a week long business trip.

More than anything I wonder why the last few weeks have been (relatively) easy. Can I credit the AVRT book and daily yoga practice? Well, and myself of course.

Its worrisome that my AV is so quiet...only flashes of how "great" it would feel to get wasted.

Dee74

congratulations on 60 days unentschieden

D

karilynn27

Congrats unen, your a little ahead of me so it gives me something to look forward to.

unentschieden

Thanks, dee and karilynn

I'm sure I'll be around a lot more next week when I'm lonely in my hotel room.

Just realized that I booked the residence inn out of convenience to it being really close to the customer site when I usually stay 40minutes away so I could get the cheap alcohol in the concierge lounge!