Codependency and Beyond Part 22
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Sunday, December 18, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Staying Open to Our Feelings
Many of us have gotten so good at following the "don't feel" rule that we can try to talk ourselves out of having feelings, even in recovery.
"If I was really working a good program, I wouldn't feel angry."
"I don't get angry. I'm a Christian. I forgive and forget."
"I'm not angry. I'm affirming that I'm happy."
These are all statements, some of them quite clever, that indicate we're operating under the "don't feel" rule again.
Part of working a good program means acknowledging and dealing with our feelings. We strive to accept and deal with our anger so it doesn't harden into resentments. We don't use recovery as an excuse to shut down our emotions.
Yes, we are striving for forgiveness, but we still want to feel, listen to, and stay with our feelings until it is time to release them appropriately. Our Higher Power created the emotional part of ourselves. God is not telling us to not feel; it's our dysfunctional systems.
We also need to be careful how we use affirmations; discounting our emotions won't make feelings go away. If we're angry, it's okay to have that feeling. That's part of how we get and stay healthy.
Today, I will refuse to accept shame from others or myself for feeling my feelings.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Staying Open to Our Feelings
Many of us have gotten so good at following the "don't feel" rule that we can try to talk ourselves out of having feelings, even in recovery.
"If I was really working a good program, I wouldn't feel angry."
"I don't get angry. I'm a Christian. I forgive and forget."
"I'm not angry. I'm affirming that I'm happy."
These are all statements, some of them quite clever, that indicate we're operating under the "don't feel" rule again.
Part of working a good program means acknowledging and dealing with our feelings. We strive to accept and deal with our anger so it doesn't harden into resentments. We don't use recovery as an excuse to shut down our emotions.
Yes, we are striving for forgiveness, but we still want to feel, listen to, and stay with our feelings until it is time to release them appropriately. Our Higher Power created the emotional part of ourselves. God is not telling us to not feel; it's our dysfunctional systems.
We also need to be careful how we use affirmations; discounting our emotions won't make feelings go away. If we're angry, it's okay to have that feeling. That's part of how we get and stay healthy.
Today, I will refuse to accept shame from others or myself for feeling my feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Husband and I had to make a trip back 'home' and it was enlightening, because I looked at him and his family with new eyes. Just before leaving, I had one of those aha! moments and it was like all the pieces of our marriage puzzle fell into place.
On the drive up, after a few hours I realized how relaxed we both were together. I told him we seem to be fine spending more time with each other. I wasn't fighting for his attention so I didn't need as much crammed into one sitting. We both enjoyed companionable conversation and silence together. He even opened up to me a few times with his feelings, and thank you God for recovery because I didn't blow it by trying to fix anything.
I know I've mentioned it before, but he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. When we first met, we got along great and mostly because my normal personality was on hiatus. I was still shell shocked from a ton of trauma. As the years have gone by, and with actively working recovery, the real me has returned. He has not changed one bit, nor should he to accommodate me, and vise versa. I said that to him and his relief was obvious.
I asked him again if he'd consider seeing a marriage counselor, but this time to see if we can find ways to overcome our personality differences on a day to day basis. I said there's no blame or right or wrong. He cringed but did not say no this time. I know it has to be really hard for him to even consider it, because of him being an introvert. It was the same for our daughter with opening up and reaching out. Daughter is the only introvert I know who has done the seemingly impossible, and I know a lot of introverts.
His idea of what emotional intimacy looks like is polar opposite from me. How he decompresses is polar opposite. Pretty much everything is polar opposite. Our personalities and differences are classic textbook stuff, and I'm stumped how to deal with it, outside of spending all our time together LOL!
I feel like we were given a beautiful gift (awareness and acceptance) and I need to be very careful with action.
One more thing -- my mom and I shared a beautiful gift as well. For the first time ever, we giggled so hard about something so silly, that we both had tears of mirth rolling down our faces. The next day, my mom shared her personal feelings with me about things from her life, and all I felt was tenderness for her. Again, thank you God for recovery because I didn't blow it.
At the beginning of this Christmas season, I remembered "to expect a miracle." I used to feel that way before daughter's addiction, and only through recovery have I returned to it.
I'm praying for many more miracles for all of us
On the drive up, after a few hours I realized how relaxed we both were together. I told him we seem to be fine spending more time with each other. I wasn't fighting for his attention so I didn't need as much crammed into one sitting. We both enjoyed companionable conversation and silence together. He even opened up to me a few times with his feelings, and thank you God for recovery because I didn't blow it by trying to fix anything.
I know I've mentioned it before, but he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. When we first met, we got along great and mostly because my normal personality was on hiatus. I was still shell shocked from a ton of trauma. As the years have gone by, and with actively working recovery, the real me has returned. He has not changed one bit, nor should he to accommodate me, and vise versa. I said that to him and his relief was obvious.
I asked him again if he'd consider seeing a marriage counselor, but this time to see if we can find ways to overcome our personality differences on a day to day basis. I said there's no blame or right or wrong. He cringed but did not say no this time. I know it has to be really hard for him to even consider it, because of him being an introvert. It was the same for our daughter with opening up and reaching out. Daughter is the only introvert I know who has done the seemingly impossible, and I know a lot of introverts.
His idea of what emotional intimacy looks like is polar opposite from me. How he decompresses is polar opposite. Pretty much everything is polar opposite. Our personalities and differences are classic textbook stuff, and I'm stumped how to deal with it, outside of spending all our time together LOL!
I feel like we were given a beautiful gift (awareness and acceptance) and I need to be very careful with action.
One more thing -- my mom and I shared a beautiful gift as well. For the first time ever, we giggled so hard about something so silly, that we both had tears of mirth rolling down our faces. The next day, my mom shared her personal feelings with me about things from her life, and all I felt was tenderness for her. Again, thank you God for recovery because I didn't blow it.
At the beginning of this Christmas season, I remembered "to expect a miracle." I used to feel that way before daughter's addiction, and only through recovery have I returned to it.
I'm praying for many more miracles for all of us
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hello everyone!...hoping you are all well and happy...
I had been browsing through past codie posts from '08 and '09 and I decided to stop in here for a quick hello...
I was so touched by your post, Chino, that I wanted to respond.
What a beautiful story...I remember quite a bit of your past shares and I wanted to say how much I appreciate your recovery and your heart. How beautiful it is when we are rewarded for our hard work, and how life comes around to meet us as a result..your share was uplifting and touched my heart and I am happy to hear about the fruitful movement in your relationships with those you love as a result of your faith , love and hard work...
Wishing you all, Joy and Peace, with those you love, this Holiday Season!
I had been browsing through past codie posts from '08 and '09 and I decided to stop in here for a quick hello...
I was so touched by your post, Chino, that I wanted to respond.
What a beautiful story...I remember quite a bit of your past shares and I wanted to say how much I appreciate your recovery and your heart. How beautiful it is when we are rewarded for our hard work, and how life comes around to meet us as a result..your share was uplifting and touched my heart and I am happy to hear about the fruitful movement in your relationships with those you love as a result of your faith , love and hard work...
Wishing you all, Joy and Peace, with those you love, this Holiday Season!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Grateful))) - it's sooo good to see you!! I've really missed you!
(((Chino))) - wow, I really needed to read your post today, and am so very happy for you!
Dad and I just got home after 30+ hours in the van. Little sleep, and as always, he wanted to talk about "family stuff". I really think he didn't like my responses, but to all his "but..." and reasons for why he is so miserable, I came back (nicely) with how that is his choice. I told him you really can't complain about how people treat you when you've taught them to treat you that way, and you can't expect people to read your minds.
Stepmom just informed me she's making plans to leave - go back home with her family, that dad only wants me in the house, her and the brat gone. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, but I know I don't have to be.
I'm going to re-read ((Chino's)) post, again, remind myself that I will be okay, no matter what, but I still have some nagging guilt. Dad is somewhat dependent on me, he's helped me out a LOT, and though I know it's okay (when I can) to say "this is your life, you have to deal with it, I'm going to get MY life back", it's tough
It doesn't help that I had to take over driving a few times, as he fell asleep on the road and he's not going to stop - he has no other income.
I will take deep breaths, try to get some sleep and hopefully go out and do stores tomorrow. We may have another trip to PA, and I will go because he needs the help driving and I need the money.
This too, shall pass
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Chino))) - wow, I really needed to read your post today, and am so very happy for you!
Dad and I just got home after 30+ hours in the van. Little sleep, and as always, he wanted to talk about "family stuff". I really think he didn't like my responses, but to all his "but..." and reasons for why he is so miserable, I came back (nicely) with how that is his choice. I told him you really can't complain about how people treat you when you've taught them to treat you that way, and you can't expect people to read your minds.
Stepmom just informed me she's making plans to leave - go back home with her family, that dad only wants me in the house, her and the brat gone. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, but I know I don't have to be.
I'm going to re-read ((Chino's)) post, again, remind myself that I will be okay, no matter what, but I still have some nagging guilt. Dad is somewhat dependent on me, he's helped me out a LOT, and though I know it's okay (when I can) to say "this is your life, you have to deal with it, I'm going to get MY life back", it's tough
It doesn't help that I had to take over driving a few times, as he fell asleep on the road and he's not going to stop - he has no other income.I will take deep breaths, try to get some sleep and hopefully go out and do stores tomorrow. We may have another trip to PA, and I will go because he needs the help driving and I need the money.
This too, shall pass
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning my friends
Prayers for each of you this week ~ no matter how you choose to spend the next week - celebrating a traditional Christmas Holiday, or going non-traditional ~ I pray that you are able to set aside the stress, worry, pain and disappointments of what is NOT and simply enjoy the many wonderful people that are with you here today.
I found out yesterday a friend from High School ~ Kind loving father, Middle School Teacher, passed away suddenly from complications from bronchitis (reaction to the antibiotics) He was only 45 yrs old.
Both Ash & Mikie are still dealing with the demons of this horrid disease of addiction ~ and there is nothing Mr. PINK or I can do ~
We had Christmas at my Mom's Sunday and my Dad was missed tremendously.
But I have many many things to be grateful for ~ I am blessed and tho I feel many times like giving in and giving up ~ I refuse to allow my joy and peace to be stolen ~
I will be grateful for today and it's blessings!
I pray that each of you have a Pink day
Rita
Prayers for each of you this week ~ no matter how you choose to spend the next week - celebrating a traditional Christmas Holiday, or going non-traditional ~ I pray that you are able to set aside the stress, worry, pain and disappointments of what is NOT and simply enjoy the many wonderful people that are with you here today.
I found out yesterday a friend from High School ~ Kind loving father, Middle School Teacher, passed away suddenly from complications from bronchitis (reaction to the antibiotics) He was only 45 yrs old.
Both Ash & Mikie are still dealing with the demons of this horrid disease of addiction ~ and there is nothing Mr. PINK or I can do ~
We had Christmas at my Mom's Sunday and my Dad was missed tremendously.
But I have many many things to be grateful for ~ I am blessed and tho I feel many times like giving in and giving up ~ I refuse to allow my joy and peace to be stolen ~
I will be grateful for today and it's blessings!
I pray that each of you have a Pink day
Rita
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Expectations of Others
It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe - not one particular person - to be our source.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Expectations of Others
It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe - not one particular person - to be our source.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Hi everyone my name is Judy and I wanted to introduce myself. I recognize some of your names from other forums. Anyway I wanted to share a little with all of you. I was pretty blown away when I read all the inserts from the book The Language of Letting Go. I relate so much to almost everyone of them. I have been in recovery for almost 8 years but I have never really dealt with my other issues of destructive relationships or growing up in an alcoholic home. Even with the amount of time I have I still am very sick in some of these areas. My moods still depend on how others treat me. Or I get so wrapped up in what others think about me that I will actually stop going to certain meetings because of it. I haven't allowed myself to be in a relationship for almost 10 years maybe a little longer, because of past abuse. I live a pretty lonely, isolated, life. I find it very difficult to trust anybody sometimes even myself. I at times from working the steps have thought I have let go of my past but it rears its ugly head much to often for me to keep believing I have let it go. I act at times, well most of the time, like I am this happy go lucky person without a care in the world ,and while that is sometimes true, its not nearly as much as I try to portray it.
Well enough out of me, I feel like I said a whole lot more than I had planned on.
Happy Holidays All!
Well enough out of me, I feel like I said a whole lot more than I had planned on.
Happy Holidays All!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Okay, I'm back. This is the stepsister that recently got out of prison. She's doing good, but is letting codependency stuff affect her, and made a bad choice. I talked to her about how SHE is responsible for her choices, and her comments made me see how far she's really come (total acceptance of her responsibilities), so hoping she makes the changes.
I got some sleep, in fact just woke up a while ago, and everything around the house is just "fine" again....I should have known. The other stepsister that got mad at me and caused a lot of problems wants us over there Christmas day. I told stepmom I was glad they are going, but I will be at mom-Kay's. It's not vengeful or anything like that, it's just the one time of the year I get to see all of Kay's family, and there are new babies to meet! I've spent Christmas day over there for the last 6 years, and that's MY day.
I'm going to try to do a couple of stores, but if not, will work on cleaning my room and throwing out all the notes and stuff from school that I no longer need.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I got some sleep, in fact just woke up a while ago, and everything around the house is just "fine" again....I should have known. The other stepsister that got mad at me and caused a lot of problems wants us over there Christmas day. I told stepmom I was glad they are going, but I will be at mom-Kay's. It's not vengeful or anything like that, it's just the one time of the year I get to see all of Kay's family, and there are new babies to meet! I've spent Christmas day over there for the last 6 years, and that's MY day.
I'm going to try to do a couple of stores, but if not, will work on cleaning my room and throwing out all the notes and stuff from school that I no longer need.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Hello Wonderful Friends, I hope you each are having a good day.
All's well here. I'm breathing and trusting and Doing the Next Right Thing. (Thank you Amy!)
I have a question. I had lunch with a newish friend. Her mom was mentally ill and my friend needed to become the Little Parent and take care of her sister. I shared a little about my Recovery and how important is it for me to take care of my Little Frances, the parts that didn't get taken care of when I was a kid. I asked her if she'd ever heard of Inner Child work and it was a new idea to her.
She doesn't have family alcohol or drug abuse but it sounded like so many of the issues--abandonment, growing up too fast, neglect--are the same.
So, I would love to give her one book to start from. Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you!
All's well here. I'm breathing and trusting and Doing the Next Right Thing. (Thank you Amy!)
I have a question. I had lunch with a newish friend. Her mom was mentally ill and my friend needed to become the Little Parent and take care of her sister. I shared a little about my Recovery and how important is it for me to take care of my Little Frances, the parts that didn't get taken care of when I was a kid. I asked her if she'd ever heard of Inner Child work and it was a new idea to her.
She doesn't have family alcohol or drug abuse but it sounded like so many of the issues--abandonment, growing up too fast, neglect--are the same.
So, I would love to give her one book to start from. Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Frances))) - I think that would be a great idea? I just wish I could remember some of the books I read, way back when I was intrigued by the idea of codependency, just not ready to DO anything yet. They were good books, and I do remember something about "healing the inner child" but not much more. Hopefully, someone will be along with some suggestions.
I think it's really cool that you recognize what she's been through and how similar it is. I still don't know where I picked up MY codie stuff, but I sure did.
Gotta love that "doing the next right thing"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I think it's really cool that you recognize what she's been through and how similar it is. I still don't know where I picked up MY codie stuff, but I sure did.
Gotta love that "doing the next right thing"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Oh Amy 3.8 is awesome that was my over all GPA when I stopped going to school. A funny story about school well actually the 2nd time around anyway.I was out on the streets w/my addiction when most people my age were in school so I quit high school in the 9th grade. I later went back and got my GED and I thought I was way to uneducated to ever go to college actually back then the word I used was too stupid. Anyway my 1st semester back I made the Deans list totally blew me away.
Twice I went to school and didn't get my degree cause I couldn't pass Math and believe me I tried w/tutors and everything. With all the schooling I had between Social Work classes and Anthropology and Arch and just so many subjects I loved. Anyway its sad because of a criminal background that I have I haven't been able to get a job in any of those fields. I keep thinking God has something better in store for me, but its been almost 2 years and no job in sight, so I am really not sure about him having something better in store at this point anymore.
There I go turning a congrats into me me me again
Night Night all and sweet dreams.
Twice I went to school and didn't get my degree cause I couldn't pass Math and believe me I tried w/tutors and everything. With all the schooling I had between Social Work classes and Anthropology and Arch and just so many subjects I loved. Anyway its sad because of a criminal background that I have I haven't been able to get a job in any of those fields. I keep thinking God has something better in store for me, but its been almost 2 years and no job in sight, so I am really not sure about him having something better in store at this point anymore.
There I go turning a congrats into me me me again
Night Night all and sweet dreams.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
You can feel only your own feelings, not another person's.
Having empathy for those we love, and being able to share their joys and sorrows, is part of our nature as warm, caring human beings. Taken to an extreme, however, too much empathy can mean that we lose our boundaries as emotionally separate individuals. When that happens, nobody wins.
We're responsible for our own feelings. If we're too deeply involved in another person's emotional state, we may not be truly aware of our own feelings. If we take on someone else's response to a situation, we lose our own in the process.
In any situation, particularly one that is highly charged with negative emotions, we need to maintain a sense of self. If we allow ourselves to be swept up in the anger, fear, grief, or despair of someone close to us, we become less capable of giving help and support. Emotional maturity is one of the goals of recovery. We progress toward it as we differentiate how we feel from how another person appears to feel.
I can respect the feelings of others without making them my own.
You are reading from the book:
Inner Harvest by Elisabeth L.
You can feel only your own feelings, not another person's.
Having empathy for those we love, and being able to share their joys and sorrows, is part of our nature as warm, caring human beings. Taken to an extreme, however, too much empathy can mean that we lose our boundaries as emotionally separate individuals. When that happens, nobody wins.
We're responsible for our own feelings. If we're too deeply involved in another person's emotional state, we may not be truly aware of our own feelings. If we take on someone else's response to a situation, we lose our own in the process.
In any situation, particularly one that is highly charged with negative emotions, we need to maintain a sense of self. If we allow ourselves to be swept up in the anger, fear, grief, or despair of someone close to us, we become less capable of giving help and support. Emotional maturity is one of the goals of recovery. We progress toward it as we differentiate how we feel from how another person appears to feel.
I can respect the feelings of others without making them my own.
You are reading from the book:
Inner Harvest by Elisabeth L.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
GREAT reading Judy and thank you. And WELCOME!
Friends, just wanted to express gratitude for each of you, for this place, for my monthly thread and for the perspective that I can let something be without fixing it or overfocusing on it.
I'm "worried" about something that may or may not happen Friday morning. That I might or might not get what I want. That I might or might not "hurt someone's feelings."
Yeah.....Judy's reading is JUST the ticket! I'm going to have a great Wednesday because that is all I have.
A close friend's dad might pass on today. This is another thing I can't control. I am remembering that the best gift I can give the family is to be centered and peaceful in my Recovery, in my hula hoop, and them give and help as requested, at the right time.
AND....YAY AMY!!!!!!!!!! You rock. You are awesome. Congrats on your hard-earned and well-deserved grades!!!!!!!! Happy dance for YOU!!!!
Friends, just wanted to express gratitude for each of you, for this place, for my monthly thread and for the perspective that I can let something be without fixing it or overfocusing on it.
I'm "worried" about something that may or may not happen Friday morning. That I might or might not get what I want. That I might or might not "hurt someone's feelings."
Yeah.....Judy's reading is JUST the ticket! I'm going to have a great Wednesday because that is all I have.
A close friend's dad might pass on today. This is another thing I can't control. I am remembering that the best gift I can give the family is to be centered and peaceful in my Recovery, in my hula hoop, and them give and help as requested, at the right time.
AND....YAY AMY!!!!!!!!!! You rock. You are awesome. Congrats on your hard-earned and well-deserved grades!!!!!!!! Happy dance for YOU!!!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome Judy - so glad you could join us ~ this is a wonderful group of supportive ladies to help you thru the recovery process! I love them dearly!
Amy - wahoooooooooooooo on the grades - yip yip yippppeeeeeee!!
Frances - lots of stuff happening that you have no control over - eekk that's frustrating - Breathe Just Breathe! Sometimes you just have to be there and not actually DO anything!!
Wishes for Love peace and laughter to all!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Amy - wahoooooooooooooo on the grades - yip yip yippppeeeeeee!!
Frances - lots of stuff happening that you have no control over - eekk that's frustrating - Breathe Just Breathe! Sometimes you just have to be there and not actually DO anything!!
Wishes for Love peace and laughter to all!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Balance
Strive for balanced expectations of others. Strive for healthy tolerance.
In the past, we may have tolerated too much or too little. We may have expected too much or too little.
We may swing from tolerating abuse, mistreatment, and deception to refusing to tolerate normal, human, imperfect behaviors from people. Although it's preferable not to remain in either extreme too long, that is how people change - real people who struggle imperfectly toward better lives, improved relationships, and more effective relationship behaviors.
But if we are open to ourselves and to the recovery process, we will, at some time, begin another transition: it becomes time to move away from extremes, toward balance.
We can trust ourselves and the recovery process to bring us to a balanced place of tolerance, giving, understanding, and expectations - of others and ourselves.
We can each find our own path to balance as we begin and continue recovery.
Today, I will practice acceptance with others and myself for the way we change. If I have had to swing to the other extreme of a behavior, I will accept that as appropriate, for a time. But I will make my goal one of balanced tolerance and expectations of others and myself
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Balance
Strive for balanced expectations of others. Strive for healthy tolerance.
In the past, we may have tolerated too much or too little. We may have expected too much or too little.
We may swing from tolerating abuse, mistreatment, and deception to refusing to tolerate normal, human, imperfect behaviors from people. Although it's preferable not to remain in either extreme too long, that is how people change - real people who struggle imperfectly toward better lives, improved relationships, and more effective relationship behaviors.
But if we are open to ourselves and to the recovery process, we will, at some time, begin another transition: it becomes time to move away from extremes, toward balance.
We can trust ourselves and the recovery process to bring us to a balanced place of tolerance, giving, understanding, and expectations - of others and ourselves.
We can each find our own path to balance as we begin and continue recovery.
Today, I will practice acceptance with others and myself for the way we change. If I have had to swing to the other extreme of a behavior, I will accept that as appropriate, for a time. But I will make my goal one of balanced tolerance and expectations of others and myself
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