4thekidz

Howdy gang...

Day 55....some days are recovery days and some days are just not drinking days. . Today is merely the second.

I am on vacation with my family and at the scene of the crime of the end of my chronic intoxication back in April. The call of the vodka is HUGE and I am employing every mental strategy to fight it. My mother and sister are arriving for a visit later today and I love them but can't stand being around either of them. I am literally trembling like I did on day 2.

It would be so easy to hit the liquor store, nobody has to know...except me....and now YOU.

Operating without a safety net....

bblackbirdflyy

kidz.

speaking from experience, slipping up or having a "fudge it" moment SUCKS. don't do it. I told myself that drinking would help numb the crap I was feeling, but all it did was take away my sobriety days and add to the crap. Made me feel even worse about myslef.

55 days is awesome. dont lose it!!!

where are you vacationing? I am envisioning a beach. with palm trees. and not a soul around. wouldn't that be lovely?

bblackbirdflyy

Pumpkin, it is ironic isn't it? Well they wont be coming to this lawn EVER again.

RIP my future jacko'lantern friends....

Raindance

I too am only here every so often, so don't feel really in the group, but post when you can, Ihay, that's all that matters.

leo21

A big congrats to y'all on piling up those sober days. Every moment counts so keep up the great work!

blackbird - i bet you are really gaining ground with this battle, maybe you just don't see it yet. the fact that you are here with us and you won't give up or give in proves you are a winner!! It seems our commonality of addiction can be used as a great weapon. There are strength in numbers!

I hope if anyone out there lurking and reading sees this, they will realize they are not alone in this struggle.

Soberpotamus

If they are, I wouldn't know! It's really just what you said... something to glance down at and be reminded of my commitment to sobriety. That and a birthday gift

Tuesday24

Hi Classmates. Just wanted to poke in and say hello. I am not really having a good day. Lots of things are coming to the surface and I am not sure how I am going to cope. I don't want to bring down the mood in here. Just wanted all of you lovely people to know that you are in my thoughts.

Raindance

The mood here is helping eachother. If you need help, that's what we're here for, not sunshine and carebears out our ass, that's just not realistic.

4thekidz

Blackbird, you're saving my butt. Amazing what some encouragement means at weak moments.

Had a nap, feel stronger.

I am at a secluded cabin in the northeast by a lake...one I put up last year to play at w/ the fam, near other family for reunions. I also rent it out for extra $$$$. I just remember coming up all the time here myself during the construction process and getting **** drunk by the lake by my lonesome. Also, family serves as a source of support AND a source of stress....

Thanks for putting up....now back to the group, and everyone I am reading about you...it's not all about any one person here...

Pumpkin Soup

Hehehe:

StreamWader

I'm not sure how to say this without coming across as a jerk, which I sometimes do.
Recently I have tried to keep my posts short and encouraging. I do not want to be the thread downer and I believe everyone here deserves some encouragement.
But I feel like I'm struggling all the time and take solace knowing that I have classmates that sometimes struggle also. Thats not to say I take pleasure in other folks problems, I do not. But I certainly feel a great deal of emphathy with them and comfort that I am not alone.

I have posted of sober-envy before and I have it. I really want the wonderful things that folks post about to come to me. But even when I was over 30 days sober and still before my fall, my days were dark and gritty.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Blackbird, Bratnik, Squishy, Pumpkin and Paddy - Thanks for your inspiration. I should do more than just click on the "Thanks" button.

Raindance - Thanks for voicing what I felt but didn't have the courage to say.

Tuesday - Gripe all you want. That is what we are here for.

Sorry, gotta run. Suddenly feel like there's a carebear hanging out my butt.

Tippingpoint

StreamWader - for many, recovery is about a lot more than just not drinking. There may be other issues at play. In the past you would escape or avoid dealing with these issues by drinking. Now that you don't have your one and only coping mechanism you're in a bit of a tough spot.

A lot of people, from what I can see, find that AA is a program that allows them to deal with these issues. Other people make use of recovery councilors. I am sort of talking out of my a$$ here as I've done neither - I've just stopped drinking.

I'm just thinking that maybe you need to do a litte more work on the underlying issues, whatever they may be. Because if not drinking just means that your miserable then I just don't see how that's going to work - and I sense that is the frustration that you're feeling.

Pumpkin Soup

Hahaha Stream that really made me laugh.

I could see from some of your posts that you have had alot of dark moments and I can understand how it would be frustrating when alot of us appear to be on pink clouds most of the time. We are all so very different and its gonna affect us all in many various ways.

I have been up and down but in a level sort of way if that makes sense. I do have some miserable days but I dont think that is because I miss drinking im just feeling things I would normally block out. I havent had a euphoric type of day for a while, maybe the odd moment - I would like to have more of that for sure.

I cant remember your story, if you told much of it or not sorry but so much is going on in this thread I sometimes think I should make notes - like a profile on everyone so I can keep up properly. Anyway Im waffling off subject again I just wanted to say that its ok to feel not great about it all - at the end of the day we are giving up something that we used to really love and even though we all know it damages us there will always be part of it that we will miss. All I can suggest is working hard on acceptance and maybe something spiritual to try and fill the void. For me my AA meetings, step work and what I am learning from people there is giving me hope that I can replace the "buzz" that I miss with something spiritual. Im working the acceptance steps but hitting a brick wall with the higher power stuff so kind of in a limbo at the moment. I really could do with a flash of lightning moment and a sudden belief in God then im sure I would be ok.

I wont be able to think about care bears again without some funny images going through my mind anyway!

Raindance

Streamwader, if we are drunk and miserable and all we do is take away the drunk, we are still left miserable.

I went to rehab, so I got a complete overhaul of therapy and 12 steps and nutrition and exercise, and the whole gamut. Now I am working with other alumni with our own AA group that we've started for graduates of the treatment centre.

I go to AA meetings, it does help me to stay centered and keep with my kin, I don't know what you do, but it may help you to give them a try.

Tuesday24

Ok, when I first read this, I laughed (mainly at the carebear visual). Then I was angry. I am not sure why, but I was. Then I started crying. Again, who knows why. I always get automatically defensive and I guess that I wasnt expecting what I read. I stepped away for a bit and came back. I am glad I did.

I guess I wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing. I think sometimes I have a bit of "sober-envy" too sometimes. I am so happy that some are doing very well in their journey. I guess I just want to feel the same. But I don't, and that's okay too. I just need to know that someday I will, but I can't know that for sure. That's the control freak coming out in me. Also, I don't want to go on and on about all of my issues...oh, poor me. I guess just saying that I am having trouble helps me. I am not sure if this is making any sense. Bottom line, I was hoping that I would feel better by now... but there are a lot more issues to deal with just not drinking.

I have no idea why I am posting this but feel better doing it. I have a very hard time putting words into sentences right now let alone my emotions. I am not offended by anyone, that's not how I want to come across to anyone.

Raindance

Sometimes that's all it takes, it's one thing to say 'oh poor me', that means you are hurting and just looking for sympathy.

But honestly putting down how you are feeling in the hopes that someone might offer some advice and then you take it and you feel better!

That's what this board is for.

There are also other forums, if you want to post something on the Alcoholism forum, on whiners anonymous, or if you ever wanted to PM me something, I would read it, and I would respond.

Mariano

Tuesday, Streamwader: Sorry to hear you are not feeling OK. I think that it takes 2-3 months to stabilize our mood, although progressively one feels better.

Pumpkin Soup

I think there are more of us who arent having a very good time than we are actually see. I know I am guilty of just not posting or not saying im really fed up because I dont want to bring the mood down or because my reasons for feeling low or the problems I think I have seem miniscule compared to what some of us are going though - heart attacks, pregnancy and affairs but like everyone else here I would say to anyone who is feeling down to get it out so we can help each other.

Replying to these posts helps me to realise things such as I need to do what I would advise others to do. It only comes to my mind when I actually am typing out the words. Getting it out is definately helpful. So thankyou stream and tuesday because replying to your posts has helped me as well!

Paddy and Cherry how are you - and chimp? I have a vague recollection of some saying they were going away but I dont remember who. It definately wasnt you though Paddy so lets be hearing from you please

instant

I have formed the view over the last two days (currently day 80 or so) that I have only just got over the "second phase" (as defined by me) of detoxification. This relates to the extent of the preoccupation (BB calls obsession) and it's quality. I think there must be a biological reason for this (given the toxic nature of alcohol etc). I do still have sugar cravings as well but they are less intense. So to me my body is still adjusting, and my emotions reflect that.

Are my worst days (periods) any worse than those I had when drinking? No way. I had so many days over years where I thought "If I just make it to lunchtime I will be OK" when at work with a hangover. Those days on the weekend when I felt crap because of drinking heavily the previous day and my re-creation time was spend in misery and torment, and planning my next drink. It is very easy for me (it's my natural tendency) to get into "awfulising" things and getting into a "it's not fair" rut. The danger for me is that ultimately that way of describing my situation to myself promotes drinking as a way of coping.

I have found posting daily on the gratitude thread is helping me train myself to look beyond the many immediate negatives that occur in my life. It does not get rid of hte negatives or the bad feelings though.

The full moon will occur on the 14th or 15th. Things change. There is a natural rhythm. I am hoping to jump on board and stay there without the discordance introduced by alcohol. It will take some time to get in synch. Sometimes just hanging on is enough.

Mariano

I hate not being able to express myself properly. I can only say simple things: no nuances. I think everybody in early sobriety has up and downs, obviously me too. I tend to post when I am "up", so perhaps everyone thinks I am always OK. I think sobriety requires patience. Progressively we feel better, but there are always bad days. In fact, "normies" have also bad days. But as I have said, I think that it takes at least 2-3 months to stabilize mood. Perhaps more... I don't know as I am only 3 months and a half. Even now I still have bad days, like today. I think that is also due to quitting tobacco. The global economic outlook does not help either.

Anyway I love the sobriety journey, even with ups and downs. I am discovering new things, new feelings... a new world. In my experience, I improved phisically at one month (more or less), but had to wait 2 months or more of complete sobriety to improve mentally. Now, with more than 3,5 months, I still have bad days and think I have to improve further. This is a long journey. I think doctors call "early sobriety" to the 6-12 first months. We are all in very early sobriety.