Impurrfect

(((Kevin))) - If you read through many of ((Lisa's)) posts (and I'm sure those of the rest of us), most of us have had trouble just being who we are. That's where the steps come in handy...some parts of us NEED a little change, but it's all for the good. I've had quite a few character defects I've worked on, so being "me" has evolved over the years.

Can't get into a part of my school website that I need to read and post on. Went to e-mail my instructor, realized I'd gotten an e-mail from Sam, on MONDAY, that I made 100 on the latest test, and class would be canceled the next day. I don't ever go to Windows Live unless I need to e-mail an instructor or advisor (maybe 5 times in the last year), but have tried to get the e-mail forwarded to my regular account.

Well, whatever happened, I went from having 100-ish e-mails to well over 2,000? It made all my old e-mails "new" again. I think I have them all cleared out, but haven't heard from my instructor, so will just wing it.

Back to studying

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Sunday, May 22, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Times of Reprogramming

Do not ask for love unless you're ready to be healed enough to give and receive love.

Do not ask for joy unless you're ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.

Do not ask for success unless you're ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could imagine ourselves having or becoming - and then immediately receiving - what we wanted? We can have and be the good things we want. All good things are ours for the asking. But first, groundwork - preparation work - must be done.

A gardener would not plant seeds unless the ground was adequately prepared to nurture and nourish those seeds. The planting would be wasted effort. It would be wasted effort for us to get what we wanted before we were ready.

First, we need to become aware of our need or desire. This may not be easy! Many of us have become accustomed to shutting off the inner voice of our wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes, life has to work hard to get our attention.

Next we let go of the old programming: the behavior and beliefs that interfere with nurturing and nourishing the good. Many of us have strong sabotaging programs, learned from childhood, that need to be released. We may need to act as if for a while until the belief that we deserve the good becomes real.

We combine this process with much letting go, while we are being changed at the core.

There is naturalness to this process, but it can be intense. Things take time.

Good things are ours for the asking, if we are willing to participate in the work of groundbreaking. Work and wait.

Today, God, give me the courage to identify the good I want in my life and to ask for it. Give me also the faith and stamina I need to go through the work that must be accomplished first.

Gypsy Feet

Great reading for me today. I went 7 months without dating (minus the month crush on the tattoo artist that I never saw in person maybe). During that time I was doing intensive step work with my sponsor in the area of intimate relations, and . . here we are haha. Funny thing is, this one will end up being a lesson and a healing opportunity as well.

Kevin, what I have been taught is that it is none of my business what other people think of me. You are a beloved child of a Loving universe, as am I.

When I start wondering if other people like me, that is fear based thought. It is our Pride that demands that people see just how special we are.

The exercise I try and do often comes from the st francis prayer: I aim to comfort rather than be comforted, understand rather than be understood. Works wonders.

Impurrfect

(((Lisa))) - love the reading...read it twice, so far I have to think about all the things I want...have I let go of the things that are holding that back? I DO have a tendency to hold onto things far too long, but think I'm making progress.

You, sweetie, are a joy to watch in your recovery

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Thanks Amy, I feel the same way about you!

Impurrfect

So, I'm watching the Shania Twain show again..I swear, it speaks codie recovery to me really loud. She was talking with Gladys Knight, and Gladys told her we have to have faith, and we have to appreciate our gifts, whatever they may be..hers is her voice, but we ALL have gifts.

Shania is also working through the betrayal of her husband and friend and the "how could I have been so STUPID" stuff, so it's kinda codie related. She also talked to Dr. Livingston about grief, as she has been reading his book. He lost his son, she lost her husband/friend but he says that however horrible something is, it doesn't define us. He's not JUST a grieving parent, it's simply a part of who he is.

It may just be a TV show, but it's helping me deal with the various chapters of the book that is my life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Well on Saturday night at around midnight there was tapping on my backdoor. Clearly you will be aware of some history. I wondered if it was D the friend of my [hopefully] soon to be evicted couple next door. I ignored it. It was PESTistent [it usually has been].

The girl upstairs is [apparently] not living their anymore since J next door was [according to her atleast] harassing her. I did hear him scream up at her window that he was going to kill her 2/3 weeks ago but it all blurrs somewhat and im pretty sick of it and really want nothing to do with such awfulness.

Anyway i have had loads of wierd knocks on my door this last month. Some i had thought were J next door and he has later informed me it was the girl upstairs who has now moved out. Since she begun harassing ME i couldnt [didnt want to] check whether he was telling the truth on this. He has lied to be before.

So yes i was still not over tues/wed nights all night screaming/screeching/offensive night and i really could do without more bothersome/frightening people mithering me at mindnight to ignore. Tap tap tap. The knocking was not going away 3 or 4 times they were attempting it.

Unfortunately whoever it was then walked round to my front window. This all happened saturday night btw. Tap tap tap. Right i was going to speak to them give them a piece of my mind. Draws curtains. Was it J or the numpty D? No it was L J's partner.

Im not happy with the girl, she has recently called me a 'nonce' and also a 'w--ker' but perhaps she was just protecting her man and i have heard her many times through the wall [lucky me to be priveleged to hear such nonsense!] try to calm my neighbour down. So i thought if i get angry with L J will be crazy mad like a shot and i do have SOME sympathy.

So despite the complete awfulness of the situation i felt compelled to let L into her own house. Even though barely 3 nights before her bf had been screaming obsenities through the wall.

I find this couple distubing. J is deliberately disturbing and a alcie off the rails so often carelessly so in addiction.

Well we are now at monday and its taken me 2 days to face and deal with my emotional response to L banging on my window midnight saturday night.

F--in neghbours. Now that i done it [dealt with my feelings] i think i can again move on but i think i couldnt face them[or wouldnt untill now] but i have been feeling sad and depressed [badly] for atleast 20 hours or so so i forced myself to 'feel my feelings' and deal with all this nonsense.

Thanks for this rant.

LeadHatter

Well i 'may be' starting to miss mum and dad. After i felt all those feelings above the next things I am filtering through are the feelings for family. There was a much vaunted 40th birthday party on Saturday night which i did not attend.

Here they would have been present. I didn't feel i had anything i was happy to give [generally speaking] not did i believe attending could meet any need i had so it seemed a pretty useless function for me to attend.

Ive had no messages from either parent though since i collected my packages 4/5/6 days ago. Perhaps they are in of themselves 'learning to let go'.

I tend to read codependent n more in such a way as i will read what it has said and then digest what it is saying. So im still 'stuck' on the idea that we can be just who we are. It dont seem that simple for me. Being 'just who i am' has often helped to make me the butt of a joke or 2. Again my father is guilty of this. Highly guilty if you ask me. More anger to process sighs hope you are all well i think im back on the mend.

I feel bad that im not comforting my mother over my grandfathers passing but i guess i need to put myself first. She is a grown up not a child and that is unless im mistaken my fathers job. If i could offer support without feeling so vunerable myself i would but i cant so we are again back to the serenity prayer.

My other on line fellowship is not bad either aswell as this site

Hari Krishena

Impurrfect

(((Kevin))) - sorry the neighbor situation continues. For me, it was "normal" to miss the people who I'd been so codie with, but the ones I totally detached from were XABF's, so the situation is normal.

The way I worked through a lot of the guilt was to remind myself I LET them mentally abuse me. I had a part in it, and I didn't do anything about it because I wasn't ready to detach (even after reading through two copies of Codie no more).

I know it's different when you were raised by someone who mentally abused you, but still...once we reach adulthood, we have the choice of whether or not we will continue to take that abuse. It took a long time for me to get that.

I also felt a lot of guilt, and had to work through that. I learned that no one can make me feel guilty (or at least not for long) when I realize that I haven't done anything to BE guilty about. Even when dad used to throw what I did in addiction in my face....at first I just hung my head and felt like the scum of the earth. NOW I tell him "that was who I was then, NOT who I am now, and I've worked damned hard to become a different person" and he gets really quiet and I walk away.

He has his own issues, and they are outside of my hula hoop. Look at the number of my posts...a lot of them have been about me working through this over the past 4+ years. I may live in the same house, but I can still detach

When you say that you feel the "you" is being the butt of jokes, you're giving power to what others think. What other people think is none of your business, as I learned here. Again, that took me a while to "get" and I can still slip back into that frame of mind, where I doubt myself, but the more I work my recovery, the better it gets.

You're getting it, sweetie, but it's not going to happen in a few months, or even a year..or at least it didin't for me. I was still trying to get past my addiction thoughts (the shame, guilt, etc.) a year later, but I was taking baby steps and they add up.

It's like when I watched that show last night, and Dr. Livingston said "it doesn't define you". My cruise through addiction doesn't define me. My being a nurse, at one time, doesn't define me (trust me, at that time, I lived/breathed/ate/slept being a nurse). I look at my life and think of what "defines" me now..I'm trustworthy, I'm reliable, I'm a good friend to the people who are good friends to me, I'm a part of a dysfunctional family, but I let them have their issues without trying to straighten it out or worry myself sick about it (with a few slips, now and then). I'm a student who is doing well in school..stuff like that.

I'm heading out to do stores, shortly, and have a long ride ahead of me, but there is sunshine, my a/c works great in the car, and I have my favorite music on the mp3

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Well i do hope the neighbors move off on Wednesday. I have some 'diy' to do and im considering getting it done on Thursday. If they have left great. If not i cant keep my life 'on hold' because they are nuts now can i.

If they overstay i will have to put up with them for at least another 2 weeks before the landlord can take them to court and have baliffs come brilliant isnt it not!

Gypsy Feet

Monday, May 23, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Enjoyment

Life is not to be endured; life is to be enjoyed and embraced.

The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far off rewards in Heaven is a codependent belief.

Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills. But in recovery, we're learning to live, to enjoy our life, and handle situations as they come.

Our survival skills have served us well. They have gotten us through difficult times - as children and adults. Our ability to freeze feelings, deny problems, deprive ourselves, and cope with stress has helped us get where we are today. But we're safe now. We're learning to do more than survive. We can let go of unhealthy survival behaviors. We're learning new, better ways to protect and care for ourselves. We're free to feel our feelings, identify and solve problems, and give ourselves the best. We're free to open up and come alive.

Today, I will let go of my unhealthy endurance and survival skills. I will choose a new mode of living, one that allows me to be alive and enjoy the adventure

Impurrfect

(((Lisa))) - good timing on today's reading. I did my stores, but it didn't really feel like work.

OT - my cousin, D and his 2 kids live in Joplin, where the devastating tornado hit. They are fine (he's aunt Phyllis's youngest, my age) but his son's high school no longer exists. He works for a TV station, had to go there to log onto FB and let everyone know they were okay, was without power and getting hammered with rain, today.

Though they are fine, there are many in that city that aren't, so asking for prayers as they deal with it. The same storm also hit in MN, and found out it hit the tiny little town my grandparents and other relatives are buried in. So small, you can't even find out what the damage was.

Talked to aunt Phyllis, a couple times, and she said the cemetery is probably fine, as it's on the outskirts of the town, and she's a bit scattered, as everyone has called her about D and the kids. She told D "you should know how much you're loved, now, I've had phone calls from 11 states, including Hawaii (we have a cousin there)".

Tess asked me if my family were magnets for bad weather, and I told her it sure seems that way, lately.

Feeling very grateful today, that my family is intact, work didn't seem like work, and a whole lot of other stuff.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Tuesday, May 24, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting the Cycles Flow

Life is cyclical, not static. Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own natural cycles.

Like the tide ebbs and flows, so do the cycles in relationships. We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. We have times of coming together and times of separating to work on individual issues.

We have times of love and joy, and times of anger.

Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new loved one to teach us the next lesson.

That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we have entered a new cycle.

We do not have to control the course of our relationships, whether these be friendships or love relationships. We do not have to satisfy our need to control by imposing a static form on relationships.

Let it flow. Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between friends will not sever. Things do not remain the same forever, especially when we are growing and changing at such a rapid pace.

Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear.

The old adage about love still holds true: If it's meant to be, it will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, the love is yours.

Today, I accept the cyclical nature of life and relationships. I will strive to go with the flow. I will strive for harmony with my own needs and the needs of the other person.

MsPINKAcres

love, prayer & PINK HUGS to all!
Rita

LeadHatter

Amy wow the weather.

I got a new book today called Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I read Mondays reading Lisa but i couldn't really relate. Maybe its for codependents in a later stage of recovery than me. I will keep telling everyone 2.5 months but in time it will be 3 right.

Impurrfect

(((Kevin))) - I can understand your not relating to Monday's reading....it took me a while to realize I was intentionally not doing anything "fun", and that I deserved that. I was too busy trying to make living amends for my addiction, figuring out how to deal with the dysfunction in my family and why I chose men who could not give me what I need in life. It's just another one of those things that takes time

OT - GOOD NEWS!! You may have to scrape me off the ceiling. I talked to the guy I do the stores for, asked him if he could pay me for the stores I'll have completed this week, as I was trying to get the remainder of the money for the dentist. He asked "how much do you need", I told him, and he's putting it in my bank, as we speak. I will just "work it off" and it won't take long..should be able to do that next month.

Dentist appt. June 2 at 10 a.m.!! It's really going to happen and I have so much gratitude for all the people who have helped me, I'm a bit overwhelmed. Also excited, a little nervous, but I'm really most grateful that I was able to ask for help...to admit I couldn't do it on my own, and people responded. Too many years, I thought asking for help was a weakness.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Regarding todays reading Lisa i am angry. Not with you, but with my higher power. I am aware that i am not 'going with the flow' since each part of me is telling me 'Kev go out take a walk thats what you need' but i have not thusfar listened to myself.

No. I listened but i said no g-d you sort this out. Well im gonna go out now so well done you for posting that Lisa. Im not going out with a loving spirit but i am going out. :>>

LeadHatter

Amy do you have 2 jobs or 1 i cant remember

Impurrfect

((Kevin)) - yes, I have 2 jobs. One at McD's and the other is merchandising...this is the one I'm getting an advance on. I'm already telling myself that it's okay to take time for healing after the work is done. I know me..I'll be thinking I need to rush back to work, and I DO need to get back ASAP, but not at the expense of my health or comfort.

Also, I think being angry at HP is common, but I found out, in hindsight, I was more angry with myself. I still have the desire for "instant gratification"...want everything sorted out, want to know what to do next, and the answers just don't come that way. I've gradually learned to listen to myself..especially my gut. I'm not always right, but I'm right way more than wrong, lately, and when I'm wrong, I learn another lesson

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

merchandising ok, i will be glad to hear more Amy about this other job if you want to share it. I like to be able to follow and i think to know more about the merchandising job may help me, if your happy or comfy to share it of course. My personal box is open if you would prefer it :>>

Merchandising. Thats sort of wide. ??