Class of March 2011 Pt 4
Hello Marchers. Four weeks for me today. I have to say, as days go, this has been a pretty cr*ppy one. Actually, the whole week has been bad. One of my dogs, the senior boy, has gotten very sick (again). He's got an assortment of chronic issues but his bloodwork yesterday showed some liver problems so we did an aspiration of his liver and the results are strongly suggestive of cancer. I love this dog with all my heart and have been through h*ll and back trying to keep him healthy with his chronic disease, and today I get this news.
So of course I wanted to drink all this away. Wouldn't you? But I e-mailed a sober friend who wrote back and said "you don't want to use <dog's name>'s illness as an excuse to drink, do you? How will you feel about yourself after he's gone for doing that? Is that a way to honor him?
She's right, of course. It would be a cr*ppy thing to do, and so I resisted the urge even though I had to go out and buy supplements for him and, of course, the wine is right there in the store.
So I'm sorry to make this all about me tonight, but it's a pretty awful night. I hope everyone is okay.
So of course I wanted to drink all this away. Wouldn't you? But I e-mailed a sober friend who wrote back and said "you don't want to use <dog's name>'s illness as an excuse to drink, do you? How will you feel about yourself after he's gone for doing that? Is that a way to honor him?
She's right, of course. It would be a cr*ppy thing to do, and so I resisted the urge even though I had to go out and buy supplements for him and, of course, the wine is right there in the store.
So I'm sorry to make this all about me tonight, but it's a pretty awful night. I hope everyone is okay.
I once drank through a pets last illness Laura. It was 15 years ago and I still can't really forgive myself - she needed me and I wasn't really there.
You're doing the right thing
D
You're doing the right thing
D
Thanks, Dee. I really want to get my 30 day chip and have plans to go to a birthday meeting next week, so I am not going to mess that up, no matter how tempted I may get. These are the kinds of moments that really bring out the "F-its" for me and I need to be very careful. The thing is, when those moments come, careful is the last thing I want to be. I want to be reckless.
Morning Peepuls! Gentle hugs and high-fives all around, for whomever needs what, as much as you need. And here's a new case of virtual fizzy water&juice, raise your glass!
I. had. a. happy. productive. day. yesterday. This is notable enough to mention.
I am good at being productive and miserable. *And drunk to "feel better"*
I am good at being unproductive and happy. *And drunk to "feel happy"*
Yesterday I was productive and happy. *And sober*
My friend who left her husband called late last night and we talked for a long time. Her husband is an addict. Lying, blameshifting. There but for the grace of God go I. Her marriage has imploded. Being sober means I can truly be present for her.
This weekend, Husband and I are driving today to my favorite place on earth to get the summer place ready. In the past I would get drunk and go to sleep early in the guise of "unwinding."
I'm gonna get better at shoutouts, know that I'm reading and appreciating each post!
I. had. a. happy. productive. day. yesterday. This is notable enough to mention.
I am good at being productive and miserable. *And drunk to "feel better"*
I am good at being unproductive and happy. *And drunk to "feel happy"*
Yesterday I was productive and happy. *And sober*
My friend who left her husband called late last night and we talked for a long time. Her husband is an addict. Lying, blameshifting. There but for the grace of God go I. Her marriage has imploded. Being sober means I can truly be present for her.
This weekend, Husband and I are driving today to my favorite place on earth to get the summer place ready. In the past I would get drunk and go to sleep early in the guise of "unwinding."
I'm gonna get better at shoutouts, know that I'm reading and appreciating each post!
Hi Marchers! Welcome to another day of real life, real feelings, real relationships, and experiencing each and every moment of it all.
For me, Easter is a big deal. Today is Good Friday, and I've been meditating on Psalm 22 all morning (it's a deep insight into Jesus' heart as He died). Sunday we'll wake up to Easter baskets and eggs for the girls, then worship with my closest friends, then hubby's dad is coming over for dinner. I'm leading one of the songs Easter morning ... it's called "We Remember" by Newsboys and I LOVE it! I haven't completely decided on dinner yet ... I'm thinking a pork tenderloin marinated in a spicy terayaki sauce, honeydew mango salsa (served over the meat), cheesy potatoes, some sort of asparagus, a fruit salad, and probably blueberry pie for dessert (my hubby's favorite ... I'm not a pie fan). We probably won't serve any wine, as hubby's dad isn't much of a drinker. We will probably pick up another straggler guest or 2 in the next couple days, too ... I like to keep my eyes open for anyone who might be alone and invite them over.
Mirage, I'm so sorry about your friend.
Elfgirl, I'll be praying for you, for a peaceful spirit as you entertain family and friends this weekend.
Bella, forever is a tough one to wrap my mind around, too. And, I also kinda fell into this sobriety thing when I wouldn't have said I was very ready ... my doctor just told me to quit, so I did. I'm glad to see you know of people who've succeeded in those circumstances! We can do this. Our actions are a choice. Remember the motivation vs. determination thing that I posted a couple weeks back? I believe determination is a MUCH greater factor in the success of any endeavor. If it's bothering you that you kept the cognac and wine, then dump it.
Kim, I'm so glad you're feeling better and it was just a normal part of the life of a woman. I have 3 daughters ... I do tend to recognize this one.
Bevin, I like you, and I have fabulous taste so you must be cool! (ha ha!!!) On a more serious note, though, I get the space thing. That was one of the first things I noticed about not drinking .... I suddenly had all this extra time. Quite honestly, I've been going to bed earlier than I used to in order to use some of it, and I feel much better during the day now because of that. I'm still waiting for the creative bug to hit me, and some of the other "highs" that I had hoped for. Hopefully they're coming.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU TOI!!! I missed you. Welcome back!
Laura, I'm so sorry about your dog. Good for you for thinking through your response, though. I've never woken up and thought to myself, "I wish I'd gotten plastered last night ... that would have really helped the situation." Be proud of yourself, my friend, for allowing yourself to feel and deal with the issue in a healthier way. And, as Dee pointed out, you'll be there for your dog when she needs you most. That's awesome.
And, I also get the "reckless" thing .. it's a self-deprecating, destructive feeling for me. I remember when I was 19, living with 5 other girls and working at Walt Disney World and one night it felt like everyone hated me. My response was reckless ... an "everyone hates me so I might as well hate myself and hurt myself" attitude that resulted in the first time I got drunk. I did vodka shots until I passed out, even though I hated them. One person did stay with me and made sure I kept breathing through the night. Thank goodness. I didn't really drink again after that for many, many years. I wish I'd learned my lesson for life then. But, we can't go back in time. We CAN make the future better, though.
For me, Easter is a big deal. Today is Good Friday, and I've been meditating on Psalm 22 all morning (it's a deep insight into Jesus' heart as He died). Sunday we'll wake up to Easter baskets and eggs for the girls, then worship with my closest friends, then hubby's dad is coming over for dinner. I'm leading one of the songs Easter morning ... it's called "We Remember" by Newsboys and I LOVE it! I haven't completely decided on dinner yet ... I'm thinking a pork tenderloin marinated in a spicy terayaki sauce, honeydew mango salsa (served over the meat), cheesy potatoes, some sort of asparagus, a fruit salad, and probably blueberry pie for dessert (my hubby's favorite ... I'm not a pie fan). We probably won't serve any wine, as hubby's dad isn't much of a drinker. We will probably pick up another straggler guest or 2 in the next couple days, too ... I like to keep my eyes open for anyone who might be alone and invite them over.
Mirage, I'm so sorry about your friend.
Elfgirl, I'll be praying for you, for a peaceful spirit as you entertain family and friends this weekend.
Bella, forever is a tough one to wrap my mind around, too. And, I also kinda fell into this sobriety thing when I wouldn't have said I was very ready ... my doctor just told me to quit, so I did. I'm glad to see you know of people who've succeeded in those circumstances! We can do this. Our actions are a choice. Remember the motivation vs. determination thing that I posted a couple weeks back? I believe determination is a MUCH greater factor in the success of any endeavor. If it's bothering you that you kept the cognac and wine, then dump it.
Kim, I'm so glad you're feeling better and it was just a normal part of the life of a woman. I have 3 daughters ... I do tend to recognize this one.
Bevin, I like you, and I have fabulous taste so you must be cool! (ha ha!!!) On a more serious note, though, I get the space thing. That was one of the first things I noticed about not drinking .... I suddenly had all this extra time. Quite honestly, I've been going to bed earlier than I used to in order to use some of it, and I feel much better during the day now because of that. I'm still waiting for the creative bug to hit me, and some of the other "highs" that I had hoped for. Hopefully they're coming.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU TOI!!! I missed you. Welcome back!
Laura, I'm so sorry about your dog. Good for you for thinking through your response, though. I've never woken up and thought to myself, "I wish I'd gotten plastered last night ... that would have really helped the situation." Be proud of yourself, my friend, for allowing yourself to feel and deal with the issue in a healthier way. And, as Dee pointed out, you'll be there for your dog when she needs you most. That's awesome.
And, I also get the "reckless" thing .. it's a self-deprecating, destructive feeling for me. I remember when I was 19, living with 5 other girls and working at Walt Disney World and one night it felt like everyone hated me. My response was reckless ... an "everyone hates me so I might as well hate myself and hurt myself" attitude that resulted in the first time I got drunk. I did vodka shots until I passed out, even though I hated them. One person did stay with me and made sure I kept breathing through the night. Thank goodness. I didn't really drink again after that for many, many years. I wish I'd learned my lesson for life then. But, we can't go back in time. We CAN make the future better, though.
Laura :ghug3
I can't find a suitable smilie but am also sending licks, wags and positive energy from my boys to your ill boy.
That space is my biggest hurdle. Yesterday, after lots (but not too much) of active things, I pulled out knitting I started last year and by bedtime I had almost finished a dog coat. I started knitting as a form of active meditation (I am not very good so I have to focus even when it is something very simple!)
I can't find a suitable smilie but am also sending licks, wags and positive energy from my boys to your ill boy.
That space is my biggest hurdle. Yesterday, after lots (but not too much) of active things, I pulled out knitting I started last year and by bedtime I had almost finished a dog coat. I started knitting as a form of active meditation (I am not very good so I have to focus even when it is something very simple!)
I'm just trying ... that's all. It's kinda hard.
It's like, I don't think I oughta think I suck as much as I think I suck, but I think it anyway...
if that makes any sense...
and it's compounded because I feel I should be all cheery...
sorry
It's like, I don't think I oughta think I suck as much as I think I suck, but I think it anyway...
if that makes any sense...
and it's compounded because I feel I should be all cheery...
sorry
It took me a while to get over my self loathing and distorted perception too...I'd fuelled it for 20 years with drink and drugs but I wasn't really aware how deep rooted some of that stuff was.
The reality is you're doing this - you're in the right place nancy, TOI, everyone...you've already moved on from where you guys were... and you're trying
lean on us when you need to...you can do this
D
The reality is you're doing this - you're in the right place nancy, TOI, everyone...you've already moved on from where you guys were... and you're trying
lean on us when you need to...you can do this
D
Nancy - Don't worry...I'm dealing with some of the same things. Honestly, it is really difficult to be around people when all of this stuff comes up and you feel like you have to coast right along just as if nothing's happening.
Repeat after me - you don't have to put on a happy face all the time. Neither do I. Actually, I had this huge moment of insecurity earlier on when I joined this forum. I posted something pretty depressing and I thought - Oh sh*t...nobody wants to hear that. Nobody's going to want to talk to you if you're such a downer all the time.
Totally untrue - totally my own stuff. We all know it gets tough sometimes so don't worry about it. I'll be sending vibes your way tonight.
TOI - Glad you're back. Burnout is something that'll get you every time for sure. It used to be the only way I could have a 'break', but I'm getting used to it a bit more now. Also, fear has been a great motivator for me in the past little while...fear of the return of the anxiety that alcohol produces. I have enough anxiety with moving right now, and I sure don't need any more.
When all that's over and I settle into a routine is where I have to watch out. Regarding the knitting thing - I totally understand your logic there. I'm a bit of a type A myself, so I need to find a meditative hobby like that. Too clumsy to knit unfortunately - I'd probably end up knitting my hands together and none of you would ever hear from me again.
Regarding filling up the space in my life...I'm sure that will happen if I'm patient, but I'm still a victim of the dreaded brain fog. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but it's still there. Reading is good though - especially if it's light material. The first book I bought for my Kindle was a Stephen King story about a haunted Kindle...how nerdy is that?
LauraS - I'm so sorry about your dog. That's when you really wish they could talk - so they could tell you what's going on. Keep us updated.
Frances - Hope you have an awesome weekend!
PBC - Dinner sounds great - I'll be over at 6.
I slept a LOT during the first little while as well. I watched tons of movies. I figured - why not? I feel sick and I deserve a little time in bed.
I'm still waiting for the creative urge to hit, but I haven't been trying to force it. Honestly, this brain fog kind of gets in the way of that stuff. I'm going to try to write some new songs next week though...I'm curious to see whether it'll turn out to be a fun experience. Maybe the key is just not to expect anything out of it.
Oh...just had to comment.. living with 5 girls just out of high school? Instant disaster. I hope that doesn't give me nightmares tonight.
Repeat after me - you don't have to put on a happy face all the time. Neither do I. Actually, I had this huge moment of insecurity earlier on when I joined this forum. I posted something pretty depressing and I thought - Oh sh*t...nobody wants to hear that. Nobody's going to want to talk to you if you're such a downer all the time.
Totally untrue - totally my own stuff. We all know it gets tough sometimes so don't worry about it. I'll be sending vibes your way tonight.
TOI - Glad you're back. Burnout is something that'll get you every time for sure. It used to be the only way I could have a 'break', but I'm getting used to it a bit more now. Also, fear has been a great motivator for me in the past little while...fear of the return of the anxiety that alcohol produces. I have enough anxiety with moving right now, and I sure don't need any more.
When all that's over and I settle into a routine is where I have to watch out. Regarding the knitting thing - I totally understand your logic there. I'm a bit of a type A myself, so I need to find a meditative hobby like that. Too clumsy to knit unfortunately - I'd probably end up knitting my hands together and none of you would ever hear from me again.
Regarding filling up the space in my life...I'm sure that will happen if I'm patient, but I'm still a victim of the dreaded brain fog. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but it's still there. Reading is good though - especially if it's light material. The first book I bought for my Kindle was a Stephen King story about a haunted Kindle...how nerdy is that?
LauraS - I'm so sorry about your dog. That's when you really wish they could talk - so they could tell you what's going on. Keep us updated.
Frances - Hope you have an awesome weekend!
PBC - Dinner sounds great - I'll be over at 6.
I slept a LOT during the first little while as well. I watched tons of movies. I figured - why not? I feel sick and I deserve a little time in bed.
I'm still waiting for the creative urge to hit, but I haven't been trying to force it. Honestly, this brain fog kind of gets in the way of that stuff. I'm going to try to write some new songs next week though...I'm curious to see whether it'll turn out to be a fun experience. Maybe the key is just not to expect anything out of it.
Oh...just had to comment.. living with 5 girls just out of high school? Instant disaster. I hope that doesn't give me nightmares tonight.
While one of mine mostly says "Me, me, me" and "Throw the flipping ball", I have deep conversations with the other one. Recently he has been telling me how proud he is of his sober Mummy and that he forgives me for the hiccups last week. However he needs me to be 100% present for him so he can be a puppy as he feels he missed some of his puppy years being responsible for my well-being and may need therapy if he has to deal with any more of my dramas. (He would stay up watching me if I passed out on the sofa and not move until I did. He has also been sobbed on so much it is surprising that he is not permanently soggy!)
I know this has been said before but if life turned into sparkles and sunshine as soon as we stopped drinking, we would have done it the first time we thought there was a problem and then sailed off into the sunset with our cup of tea. I feel much better re less anxiety and depression and generally healthier but all the stuff I had been trying to drown in my wineglass is now staring me in the face. And I have to deal with it at some point. But what I thought would be major is minor (and vice versa) I thought loneliness would wipe me out when sober but I am quite happy on my own as I have so much to sort through and it is easier to do alone. I am getting to know sober me and she is actually quite nice. I am frustrated I am not doing more towards setting up a business/self-employment but I need to rethink what I want to be when I grow up.
Attention Lurkers: We would love to hear from you. Once a Marcher…etc etc (Also it is pretty lonely here in a different timezone!)
Attention Lurkers: We would love to hear from you. Once a Marcher…etc etc (Also it is pretty lonely here in a different timezone!)
Tiny keyboard so reading mostly and sending positive healthy vibes. Hard stuff is hard, it sure is. (((hugs)))
TOI, I was thinking this morn about the possibilities for my doggie with a sober me. Its so humbling and kinda awesome
TOI, I was thinking this morn about the possibilities for my doggie with a sober me. Its so humbling and kinda awesome
There's much to be said for being okay with being who we are in each moment, whether it means feeling cheery or angry or blah or introspective or silly or productive or whatever. That's authenticity. Authenticity is GOOD. I read a book recently called Uncivilized, which is about that very thing. The gist of it is that we shouldn't feel compelled to meet anyone's expectations, we should just be the best WE we can be, whatever that means. Nobody has to be anyone else.
I was just doing some quick figuring, and I estimate that, with our vacation and eating out habits, all in all my family has saved about $700-$800 since my hubby and I stopped drinking. That's pretty cool!
Today I'm feeling quite productive, and I'm going to do a little re-decorating. We have high ceilings in our kitchen, and an extensive beer bottle collection up above the cupboards (all lit up with greenery and such). We're trashing it today, and going out looking for something new to put there. I'm excited!
We played cards with neighbors last night ... my first time doing that since quitting. I've been very open with the woman (for several years, actually) about my problem, and drinking isn't a big deal for her, so she abstained last night, too. Her husband and mine had a couple beers each, and I was totally fine with that. We had a great time and I wasn't too tempted. I mean, there were a couple moments of "I wish this wasn't an issue for me and I could have some wine and get silly", but I countered them immediately with the "this is my issue and it is what it is". And we had fun! (we have an ongoing euchre tournament going on between the men and the women, and are tied at this point. It ends the first of June ... )
I hope you all have a meaningful day! Hugs to you.
I was just doing some quick figuring, and I estimate that, with our vacation and eating out habits, all in all my family has saved about $700-$800 since my hubby and I stopped drinking. That's pretty cool!
Today I'm feeling quite productive, and I'm going to do a little re-decorating. We have high ceilings in our kitchen, and an extensive beer bottle collection up above the cupboards (all lit up with greenery and such). We're trashing it today, and going out looking for something new to put there. I'm excited!
We played cards with neighbors last night ... my first time doing that since quitting. I've been very open with the woman (for several years, actually) about my problem, and drinking isn't a big deal for her, so she abstained last night, too. Her husband and mine had a couple beers each, and I was totally fine with that. We had a great time and I wasn't too tempted. I mean, there were a couple moments of "I wish this wasn't an issue for me and I could have some wine and get silly", but I countered them immediately with the "this is my issue and it is what it is". And we had fun! (we have an ongoing euchre tournament going on between the men and the women, and are tied at this point. It ends the first of June ... )
I hope you all have a meaningful day! Hugs to you.
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