Anna

Lisa, yes, go by Tat-guy's actions, not his words. Obviously he has the words to use to get your attention, but he's not giving you what you want. I am SO happy you're in your new place.

Amy, you should be very proud of how hard you've worked to get where you are, and to keep a positive attitude. I am blessed to know you.

Annie, I'm glad that you have found some peace in detaching from your son.

(((Rita)))

Impurrfect

Thanks ya'll.

I give up. Dad told me about the conversation that he had with Brit and how he heard BOTH sides of the story, and how I'm partially to blame. I told stepmom, yesterday, that I feel like I'M the "bad kid and troublemaker" and that's what it feels like.

I'm going to do as a friend suggested, and journal about things from my childhood that make me so stuck on getting dad's approval, and other stuff. First of all, though, I'm going to get my mp3 player and go walk on the treadmill as I'm really frustrated.

I did make a 94 on my test, and will start studying for the other class/test when I get through walking. I'm to the point I don't feel like a part of this family, and don't really want to BE a part, and that's just not right, so I'll pull out the recovery tool belt and find something that works. Very grateful that using is not even an option.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Live

I was finally able to go to my first WRAP (wellness recovery action program) meeting yesterday. It was very much what I have needed.

The group leader pointed out that I still carry critical voices from my family of origin and when I mentioned someone else being disinterested in being with me she said, well it would make sense to you since you don't want to be with you. LOL She really hit the nail on the head and we laughed. I am struggling with this winter and a few other things and she is right. I am not liking my own company and how I feel and I translate it to who I am.

I also went to pick up some of my meds and asked them if I could get weighed. Damn. I have only lost 5 pounds since September, I really thought it would be more.

I felt much better after the group. Had a nice dinner and am still sleeping well, I am very thankful for the regular sleep...I have struggled with it for over a decade.

Amy, I am upset on your behalf that your dad responded to this incident in that manner. As someone who used to live with and love an abusive, alcoholic man...honestly, people who have not lived it and then gotten some help just do not get it, are confused about the truths within themselves and do not have good means of sorting things out and handling it well. Can you think of your dad as very codie and lacking clarity? I think that is true. I am so sorry he hurt you like this. It isn't fair. He wasn't there..you were, you know the truth. I know that doesn't help the hurt at all. I am sorry, very sorry.

Chino

Amy, I wish you had your own home. It would probably be so much easier to want to be a part of your family if you're weren't surrounded by them all the time. So if I win one of those mega lotteries, will a condo be OK?

My son loves us but we can drive him crazy insane sometimes. As soon as he healed from his eye surgery (he moved back home for our assistance with that), he was out house hunting. The door didn't hit him in the ass, he was gone that fast. We all need our space

Live, your group leader sounds a gem!

Impurrfect

(((Live))) - I'm so glad you checked in...been a bit concerned (okay, worried, I admit it) about you. Your group leader DOES sound like a gem, and I'm glad you got what you needed.

I e-mailed a friend, from here, yesterday and told her "I don't even want to be a part of this family any more". I expected to get gently chastised, but instead was told I sounded very healthy..that I see I have a CHOICE about getting drawn into the drama.

She explained it like this (similar to what Live said above)...it's like I've been dropped into an alien country...don't speak the language, up is down, down is up, green is red, and blue is black..I just don't "get it" any more. We don't even speak the same language.

I realized, then, that this is actually a good thing. Being around the codie-ness and dysfunction is extremely uncomfortable to me. I no longer even have the desire to try to tell my side.

Dad is getting Brit another laptop (he can get a very good used one for about $300 from our computer dude). He wants it for "her education". Yeah, total denial, unless you can get an education from MySpace and Facebook. He said Brit wants all 4 of us to sit down and talk. Yeah, well I'm not ready for that, and am not concerned about when/if I WILL be ready. It's like (((Rita))) says...may as well go out and talk to one of the zillion pine trees we have in the yard. I have plenty of stuff on my plate, and will be "busy" and they can just deal with it.

I just finally got through to the dental clinic, after getting busy signals. They accept only 25 patients "per Monday" and will make only ONE attempt to call back. If they call and I'm at work, I can't HEAR my phone, much less answer it...automatic firing offense. I read reviews of people that left their name and number LAST year and have yet to be contacted, so will keep looking for other options. I did my part with the clinic, the rest is in HP's hands and I'll keep looking for options.

Waiting on tax info, so I can file my taxes. I'm kicking myself that I didn't request payment UNDER $600 for that trip to Ark, as now I have to claim it...got $610 and anything over $600 has to be reported.

I had a friend, here, struggling last night with similar stuff...family, career (consequences of our addictions), etc. We were able to hold each other up, vent away, and give encouragement. For that, and realizing that codependency is now something I want NO part of, I am very grateful. Of course, I am very grateful for all of you...I couldn't have gotten to this point, if it weren't for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Live

I have been quiet Amy because I haven't felt like I have anything to say...very stifled feeling, sort of numb with the walls closing in feeling. Some friends on another mental health site did mention that also maybe I was feeling better too in that I am growing discontent with living with the low level depressions and constrictions and I am getting restless to break out of it and do more living. or maybe it is simple cabin fever/winter blues. I really do not know. I just know I miss functioning at a higher level than I have been...even tho', technically I know that is rushing things from the timelines of recovery from a major bipolar episode. It just has been feeling very oppressive. I am impatient and tired of it!
I don't want to spend my life waiting for this or that to pass and today it feels like the story of my life!
LOL
Yesterday did help very much! I have the same group twice a month. I am looking forward to the next one all ready!

huge hugs to all!

Live

Friday, January 28, 2011 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Staying in the Present Moment

Often, one of our biggest questions is "What's going to happen?" We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life. It is easy to tangle us up in worrisome thoughts.

Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.

Worrying about what's going to happen is a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but also for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.

Things will work out, if we let them. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.

I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.

BigDreams1

Not is a very sharing mood right now. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking and prayiing for your struggles you've shared here.

Mom went to the hospital again...pre-pnumonia. Dad sounds exhausted. Divorce attorney wants a 5 thousand retainer. But...I am calm...just walking through doors until HP closes one...then I'll walk in a different direction.

Peace and love
annie

Anna

Annie, your comment made me smile. It's good that, even in such a difficult time, you are continuing to move forward as much as you can. Five thousand dollars sounds like a lot of money for a retainer, but it would be an investment in you.

Amy, I have had that feeling about my family too, and I really do think it's a good thing. When you are with a dysfunctional (toxic, in my case) family, and you recognize that you no longer belong, it's a big step forward. My brother no longer speaks to me because I stepped out of the drama between him, my nephew and my dad. I am almost at the point where I feel good about the situation because I am able to stick with my boundaries and that's a biggie for me. I hope the dental thing works out for you.

Live, good to see you back. I have suspected for awhile that you might be ready to take on more in your life. It seems to me that you have taken good care of yourself preparing to move and getting settled and maybe you are ready for something more now. Who knows, but I'm glad your counselling was positive.

Chino, I always love your words!

Gypsy Feet

checking in, I love all of these posts, I share in your joys and pains.

I am in that place that makes it hard for me to post, I will pay more attention this time and see what this repeating phase brings.

my life goes well, but some things cause me fear, so I am going through acting as if. The thing is, as I just "go through", my life is so full and abundant, I really am grateful. . .

of course the tat artist is part of what ever this weirdness is.

The only reason I ever wish or fantasize about having a house these days is so I can host those of you who need a change of scenery (well, and the cute shelter dogs =)

Impurrfect

(((Anna))) - thanks for validating what I'm going through with my family. I know I shouldn't NEED validation, but I'm not quite at that point, yet. Getting there.

(((Annie))) - I am so proud of you! You have come SO far, and I know you have a lot on your plate, but you're recovery is absolutely shining brilliantly.

(((Lisa))) - good to hear from you. Heck, if you got a house and are that close to the ocean, I'd definitely have to find a way to come visit

Work was a little crazy, but then I think I'll start calling it loony-land. On a good note, D snapped at me, once, then immediately said "I'm sorry..I'm frustrated and it has nothing to do with you and I shouldn't take it out on you". WOW! I told her it was okay, I already KNEW it wasn't about me, so we've really gotten to a good coworker relationship.

The spoiled teeny-bopper was true to form. Came in, saying she didn't feel well and when it came time to wash dishes, said she had to throw up and went home.

Two of "my boys" and another teeny-bopper (girl) got arrested last night. One is in his early 20's, the other 2 are still teens. Don't know the full story, but the one guy got pulled over for speeding, and next thing you know they found a bag of pot (belonged to the girl). She didn't claim it, obviously the boy's didn't either and apparently didn't say it was hers, so they all went to jail. Mom got the girl out, the boys got out on their own recognizance, sometime yesterday. It should be REAL interesting as they all work the same shift...my shift. The boys are working today, with me, not sure about the girl.

I'm just grateful I don't have to worry about stuff like that any more.

Realized I've been clinching my teeth (stress reaction) and have, yet ANOTHER, tooth that is chipped and starting to hurt. Too bad my old family dentist is retired He was really great...even came to mom's funeral.

Despite all the drama, I remained fairly calm, other than the teeth clenching thing. I was ready to send ALL teenagers to a deserted island when the basketball team and their groupies came in.

I think I've really turned everything over to God. Yes, I have a little stress, but it's entirely manageable and that's pretty amazing. There's one teen I work with, H, who is way more mature than the others and she's one of those bubbly kids. We have a blast...kept running into each other, tonight and I told her I guess we were just going to play bumper cars. We actually have fun, are both taking A&P in college, and I enjoy working with her.

I need to get to sleep, soon. I thought I was due in at 4, but it's actually 3....11-1/2 hours from now. Elvis is under his lamp, Mots is camped out at the foot of my bed, and Patches is wherever she roosts at night. This mama feels better when all her "babies" are accounted for.

((Love)) to you all!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

You all are my conscience and I thank you

Daughter needs her meds and asked me to please go get them, because she feels sick. I very gently said "I'm sorry, I WANT to, but they are your meds and this is your health to manage. If I do this for you, I'm back to crippling you." She accepted that and thankfully we just had a brief convo about it 2 days ago. The timing was amazing.

I always remember everyone here reminding others that addicts will go to extreme lengths to obtain their drugs, and they're fully capable of doing the same for their recovery

Live

Sunday, January 30, 2011 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Religious Freedom

"...a Power greater than ourselves...." "God as we understood Him." These words introduce spirituality in the Twelve Steps. They are the first two references to God, and they are worded that way for a reason.

We each have the freedom to define, and understand, our Higher Power - God - as we choose.

That means we do not bring our religious affiliation into our recovery groups. It means that we do not try to impose our religious beliefs, or our understanding of God, on anyone else. We do not use our groups or meetings as a soapbox to gain religious converts. We do not try to force the particulars of our religious beliefs on others.

We give each person, the right to a personal understanding of a Higher Power and ourselves.

Today, I will respect other people's understanding of God, as well as my own. I will not allow others' judgment of my beliefs to cause me anxiety and distress. I will seek to grow spiritually in recovery, with or without the assistance of a particular religion or denomination.

Chino

I need your help with this subject. I remember the first meeting and saying the Lord's Prayer. I was fine with that on a personal level (I was raised Catholic) but not as a group.

I remember the man asking if anyone had any objections before the prayer. I thought way to go dude, you just made 'them' responsible for saying it or not as a group. There were other newbies besides myself, and no one spoke up, but they removed themselves from the hand holding and never came back.

That REALLY bothered me and still does, since I'm typing about it. How do I deal with this?

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - I don't really know. I've read where some people, here, don't like the "hand-holding" thing, and are definitely uncomfortable with the Lord's Prayer. I've seen some say they just don't SAY the prayer, and silently say what makes THEM feel comfortable. Others say they just leave before the end. I went to a LOT of meetings, back in the day, and I don't remember it ever being mentioned.

I think they probably just went with the flow. I know I introduced myself as an alcoholic, then when got more comfortable, said "alcoholic/addict" and I'm not an alcoholic. I had mentioned it to my sponsor, and she asked if I'd ever had times when I couldn't stop after one....it was more that I didn't WANT to, but when XABF#1 and I broke up, I stopped drinking.

Good question.

I was obviously mistaken...my book shelves were NOT in my storage shed, so they are gone with most everything else. Dad did buy me an inexpensive one, and put it together for me (I was going to, but he insisted). He said I seemed angry, that he was afraid to say anything.

I told him I'm frustrated...will not have the money to pay the car payment on the 9th, much less the storage shed. He said he'd pay the storage shed, but that's all he can do..and that's fine. However, he then said "you and Brit are in the same situation...you're both scared to death".

Um, we are nowhere NEAR the same situation. She has no bills, no car, pays a little toward rent and water where she stays and buys food. It just irritates me that I can't even have a FEELING, where I'm not lumped with Brit....while he's looking at NEW laptops for her because computer dude doesn't have anything, right now. He's hoping HP (the computer people) will work out something with him because they gave him shoddy service on his recent repair.

I'm also pms'ing, so that doesn't help, but going to church, this morning, really did. Jeff (our pastor) is a jewel...based the sermon around the superbowl. The theme was, we're in a society that being the best, being "winners" is the way to go. Less than often makes us feel like losers. He pointed out that in God's world (or nature, or the universe, etc.,), the people who "hit bottom" (yep, he really said those words), the one's who are broken down, worn out, at their wit's end, but say "I'm handing this over to you"...some may see them as losers, when they are the ones who are true winners.

So, I see that I "read" recovery (both of mine) into just about everything, and that's why I tell people my program is like a patchwork quilt made of scraps...a little bit of this, a little bit of that, I take what I need.

Of course, seeing mom-Kay and her husband, sitting between them and another couple...the lady is one of the "girls" that mom and Kay used to go out and each lunch with. I don't know...being THERE feels more like home than anything else. It's like I'm sitting between love and history, in that one pew, with Jeff up front...met him when I was 15, Kay became a part of our lives when I was 18.

BTW, my cousins were going to TX to see my 2nd cousin, Dan, before he is deployed to Iraq. He's a helicopter specialist and says he's going to be a "liasion" and in a safe position. His gf, however, told me "he'd tell us all that so we wouldn't worry...we don't really know WHAT he's going to be doing over there". So, please keep Dan in your prayers.

(((Annie))) - mom-Kay asked how your mom was and assured me that she prays for your entire family.

I've got to get busy studying.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

I dont say the lords prayer, but it is said at some of our meetings. When I visited the alano club in my old city, there was a lot of jesus talk at the meeting. I dont like it personally, and I think it does freak some newcomers out.

when I lead, I call my HP by as many names as I can work in, and try to remember to switch pronouns now and then (he she it). "my" creator is all about love, and is not likely to strike me dead for calling her The Great Pumpkin" now and then.

another one of my favorite parts of AA, the "build your own god" aspect.

Gypsy Feet

sorry,I know this isnt an AA forum, same steps =)

I camped Saturday night and was able to take 7 young people very newly sober. My life is truly charmed. The tat artist had an invite and didn't show, and thats ok. I am working on letting go with love, and accepting he cant/wont offer me what I want in an intimate relationship right now.

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - I'm posting this here, instead of pm'ing you because I just witnessed a miracle.

I got your card and $$...the envelope wasn't sealed..at all. Stepmom came in and said "I didn't open this, I swear..you can tell it was never sealed", and it COULD tell that. I was in tears, reading what you wrote "With God, all things are possible", Luke 1:37. Stepmom then realized, the stamp doesn't have the postal system stamped...like it never went through the postal system.

I feel like God hand-delivered it to me, and stepmom is STILL shocked that I got it. She said "you are SO lucky, and so is that woman"...I said "no, it's not luck. We're blessed"

Thank you, so much. I have a bit more good news...doing my taxes, and for the first time, I actually meet the earned income credits, get deductions for school, and if I can get it back to the way I had it, will get over $1700 back.

It's raining and yukky, outside, but I am filled with gratitude. It's not just the money, though that is wonderful. It's knowing that people love and care about me, that I worked hard, didn't even have to fudge (I don't think) on my mileage, and knowing that I worked hard, I stayed clean, I kept going when I didn't want to, and I'm a legit, tax-paying citizen, and now I can get my tooth fixed

I called mom-Kay and told her about the envelope..she was crying and said she had chill bumps. Stepmom called her sister and her sister said "there's no way she should have gotten that envelope....sounds like an angel delivered it".

Thank you all for putting up with my whining/vents/funks, and being here when I am on top of the world. I'm about to get dressed, head to the bank, and treat myself to some diet Sprite (have been out). It's the simple little things

Tess always teases me that I'm the only person she knows who gets, what seems, like direct messages from God. Wait 'til I tell her I get MAIL from Him, too!!

(((Chino))) - thank you, for everything. Your card is going up on my wall, with my other inspirational things that I look at as I sit at my desk.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Chino

I am absolutely blown away. I chose that verse because I saw it on a ceramic cup. The cup was a gift from an elderly lady and it was sitting on a shelf next to my supply closet. I thought how appropriate it was and we might need a little divine intervention to get it there to you safe and sound.

That cup rests on it's side with the verse flowing out and over on a scroll. I just remembered why that lady gave it to me -- I gambled for her, too! She had a disabled son and husband at home, and was raising her grandchildren. Keeping everyone fed was always a challenge. She was still crying tears of joy the next week when she gave me the cup.

I can remember it all like it was yesterday. That was 10 years ago and within 1-2 weeks of the same time frame. I had just come back from Vegas.

I am in awe and overwhelmed, to be part of a miracle. You are too, Amy! You didn't just witness the miracle, you're part of it and it started here. My head is spinning and my cup runneth over

Thank you God.

Seren

Hello all!!!!!

Been gone for a bit, but decided to check back in!

Chino, that was a wonderful thing you did!!!! May good mojo and many blessings follow you and Amy always!

It'll take me a while to catch up, but I just wanted to say hello and hope everyone is doing well.

Hugs, HG