June 2010 Sobriety Group Pt 4
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
YAY!!! I can finally log in! I won't even try to explain to you why I can't log in sometimes... but maybe it's fixed for now 
I'll try to be brief --- Hawaii was AMAZING. Life changing. I felt a calm and peaceful feeling there that is hard to describe. While there, I honestly felt like my addiction to alcohol was gone. I can't even explain it. I did great -- did not drink at any of the 3 company events and drank only a couple of beers one afternoon and a couple of cranberry/champagne drinks on a cruise. Never got drunk, never hungover and most of all, didn't feel the urge to get buzzed because I was riding a natural high by being there.
When I got back, the Aloha wave continued briefly but quickly died out. Very soon I was dealing with major stresses --- problems with the kids, financial issues, issues with my parents, traffic, bad weather, people with major east coast attitudes, etc. The whole happy Aloha feeling was gone and my need to escape came back again. I thought I could handle the moderation thing, but very quickly it devolved into the same old crappy bad habits again. I have come to realize that life the way it is does not allow me to enjoy drinking in moderation. That's the reality.
The good news: tonight I went back to my SMART meeting!!! They moved them to a new location and on Tuesday nights. I am so relieved that I went. I found a face to face support group with people I can relate to (aside from that guy with about 10 mental illness diagnoses who is addicted to Adderall and still talks about it with great fondness and who wouldn't shut up! He talked about how Adderall makes him feel alive.) But aside from him, I could relate to many of the people there and found a good support group. One woman in particular (a Mom who is a little older than me, sober for 5 years, professional, smart, really struck me as someone who could understand what I was going through.
My parents have been difficult lately in addition to my kids. It's always about them and about how things that the kids do wrong make THEM feel. I got an email from my Mom today entitled "Sad grandmother" because my daughter was moody and acting up today. The passive aggressive implication is that I'm a bad mother for not yelling at her enough. I see stuff like this and say, "Ah. No wonder why I drink. I'm so caught in the middle of all this madness/emotions and the drinking has been my escape route."
I do understand that it truly is no escape route. The last time I drank I actually felt depressed and trapped WHILE I was drinking. I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it. I told the woman at the SMART meeting, "It's too hard to do this alone. It's too much of a burden to carry." She totally understood.
I intend to go these Tuesday meetings every week even if my Mother makes me feel guilty about it for leaving the kids after having worked all day, etc. I have to stand up for myself and make sure I recover.
Well, that wasn't so short after all. Glad to be back
I'll try to be brief --- Hawaii was AMAZING. Life changing. I felt a calm and peaceful feeling there that is hard to describe. While there, I honestly felt like my addiction to alcohol was gone. I can't even explain it. I did great -- did not drink at any of the 3 company events and drank only a couple of beers one afternoon and a couple of cranberry/champagne drinks on a cruise. Never got drunk, never hungover and most of all, didn't feel the urge to get buzzed because I was riding a natural high by being there.
When I got back, the Aloha wave continued briefly but quickly died out. Very soon I was dealing with major stresses --- problems with the kids, financial issues, issues with my parents, traffic, bad weather, people with major east coast attitudes, etc. The whole happy Aloha feeling was gone and my need to escape came back again. I thought I could handle the moderation thing, but very quickly it devolved into the same old crappy bad habits again. I have come to realize that life the way it is does not allow me to enjoy drinking in moderation. That's the reality.
The good news: tonight I went back to my SMART meeting!!! They moved them to a new location and on Tuesday nights. I am so relieved that I went. I found a face to face support group with people I can relate to (aside from that guy with about 10 mental illness diagnoses who is addicted to Adderall and still talks about it with great fondness and who wouldn't shut up! He talked about how Adderall makes him feel alive.) But aside from him, I could relate to many of the people there and found a good support group. One woman in particular (a Mom who is a little older than me, sober for 5 years, professional, smart, really struck me as someone who could understand what I was going through.
My parents have been difficult lately in addition to my kids. It's always about them and about how things that the kids do wrong make THEM feel. I got an email from my Mom today entitled "Sad grandmother" because my daughter was moody and acting up today. The passive aggressive implication is that I'm a bad mother for not yelling at her enough. I see stuff like this and say, "Ah. No wonder why I drink. I'm so caught in the middle of all this madness/emotions and the drinking has been my escape route."
I do understand that it truly is no escape route. The last time I drank I actually felt depressed and trapped WHILE I was drinking. I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it. I told the woman at the SMART meeting, "It's too hard to do this alone. It's too much of a burden to carry." She totally understood.
I intend to go these Tuesday meetings every week even if my Mother makes me feel guilty about it for leaving the kids after having worked all day, etc. I have to stand up for myself and make sure I recover.
Well, that wasn't so short after all. Glad to be back
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
You may disagree? But I think it's more the way we're wired doesn't allow us to drink in moderation TJ - it took me a long time to accept it wasn't my life that made me drink alcoholically - it was my alcoholism...it's an internal problem to me not an external one.
but I'm glad you're back, glad you're sober and glad you're going to SMART.
D
but I'm glad you're back, glad you're sober and glad you're going to SMART.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
You are probably right, Dee, but since I do have success drinking moderately in certain situations (the Hawaii trip is a great example) I start to question that line of thinking. Maybe eventually in Hawaii I would have started abusing alcohol, who knows? I don't have the answer to that.
Regardless, it doesn't really matter. Because the bottom line is that my life is here right now and is very stressful. And alcohol is a negative, not a positive, in my life. And it IS a problem and that hasn't changed.
I feel empowered to be taking steps I need and getting the support I need. Honestly, it's like a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. There's also a Saturday meeting of the same group!!!
Night everyone, I must sleep!
Regardless, it doesn't really matter. Because the bottom line is that my life is here right now and is very stressful. And alcohol is a negative, not a positive, in my life. And it IS a problem and that hasn't changed.
I feel empowered to be taking steps I need and getting the support I need. Honestly, it's like a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. There's also a Saturday meeting of the same group!!!
Night everyone, I must sleep!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I had successes in moderating too - thats the lure that keeps you hoping...maybe this time.
To me, it's an illusion of control though - you never really know if tonight you'll be ok, or when the run will end, but it does - the 'success' never lasts long.
If we really had control, why wouldn't we choose the way we know we function best - sober?
You're right tho- best to focus on the now
G'night
D
To me, it's an illusion of control though - you never really know if tonight you'll be ok, or when the run will end, but it does - the 'success' never lasts long.
If we really had control, why wouldn't we choose the way we know we function best - sober?
You're right tho- best to focus on the now
G'night
D
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
G'night Dee! Thanks for checking on me!
Oh yeah, I have a new friend. I told him all about my problems with alcohol (I have such an easier time telling male friends than anyone else!) and he has been unbelievably supportive. He told me that I don't need to drink, just talk to him instead. And unlike my last male friend who kind of bailed on me, this one really is there 24/7. Just another person to help me out, though I know the responsibility not to drink lies with me.
I'm still really happy from my meeting tonight. And it was free!!! Didn't cost me a penny!
Oh yeah, I have a new friend. I told him all about my problems with alcohol (I have such an easier time telling male friends than anyone else!) and he has been unbelievably supportive. He told me that I don't need to drink, just talk to him instead. And unlike my last male friend who kind of bailed on me, this one really is there 24/7. Just another person to help me out, though I know the responsibility not to drink lies with me.
I'm still really happy from my meeting tonight. And it was free!!! Didn't cost me a penny!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
Hey Laura - Glad you are back and on line- we can't really have a June 2010 group without you . And that Hawaii was amazing - still jealous, I have never been.
That's good news about your SMART meeting. I don't think there is a SMART group here. I checked it out on line a couple of years ago and for some reason it seemed like too much work. But maybe I just wasn't ready to quit drinking then.
That's good news about your SMART meeting. I don't think there is a SMART group here. I checked it out on line a couple of years ago and for some reason it seemed like too much work. But maybe I just wasn't ready to quit drinking then.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Hey there -- rainy day here! And I have to go into the office 
But things could be worse. I don't have a hangover!
Lyddie, if you ever get the chance to go to Hawaii, do go. And stay for longer than I did. Visit a few of the islands. I would LOVE to go back. I would LOVE to bring my kids. I would LOVE to move there! It is the closest thing to paradise that I can think of. I just got a feeling there that I never wanted to leave. Most people who have gone there have described the same feeling.
I have this app on my iPhone that give a new insiprational quote everyday (related to recovery). Today's quote was:
We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success. (Henry Thoreau)
It kind of described where I am right now. Ready to leap toward success. Amazing how some of these quotes hit at just the right time. When I saw the quote today it made me very happy.
Re: SMART Recovery. It's great, but they don't have meetings everywhere. Mostly in large cities. I know they have online meetings, but we all know the value of the face to face option. I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon this group. There are lots of worksheets and tools in the program if you want them. But it's not mandatory to do them. The idea behind SMART is that you are responsible for your actions and you have the ability to change your behavior. It's kind of empowering.
The interesting thing about the group last night: there were two very young college age girls there. They had both been hospitalized for doing those caffeinated alcoholic drinks (like Four Loko). They were at the meeting to learn and absorb rather than deciding they never want to drink again in their lives. There was also a woman who was a crack cocaine addict (I never met one of those personally!), a young guy addicted to crystal meth, a woman so addicted to alcohol that she actually drank rubbing alcohol (yep, I kid you not), the guy addicted to Benzos and Adderall and anything else he could get his hands on, and then a handful of garden variety "drunks" (I use the term good naturedly). Here I am addicted to Chardonnay and Pinot Noir in the middle of all of this, but you know -- we all know wine can be just as harmful as anything else. So here I am with this cast of characters.
Fortunately there were enough people with alcohol problems so I did not feel too out of place. The guy with the crystal meth addiction could relate to everything I said about my wine addiction, so there is definitely a lot of parallels to be found.
I'm happy with the group and really am motivated this time. It's motivation out of self-respect and self-love more than anything else, which has been lacking in me for quite some time.
I'm off to my day.... good day, everyone!
But things could be worse. I don't have a hangover!Lyddie, if you ever get the chance to go to Hawaii, do go. And stay for longer than I did. Visit a few of the islands. I would LOVE to go back. I would LOVE to bring my kids. I would LOVE to move there! It is the closest thing to paradise that I can think of. I just got a feeling there that I never wanted to leave. Most people who have gone there have described the same feeling.
I have this app on my iPhone that give a new insiprational quote everyday (related to recovery). Today's quote was:
We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success. (Henry Thoreau)
It kind of described where I am right now. Ready to leap toward success. Amazing how some of these quotes hit at just the right time. When I saw the quote today it made me very happy.
Re: SMART Recovery. It's great, but they don't have meetings everywhere. Mostly in large cities. I know they have online meetings, but we all know the value of the face to face option. I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon this group. There are lots of worksheets and tools in the program if you want them. But it's not mandatory to do them. The idea behind SMART is that you are responsible for your actions and you have the ability to change your behavior. It's kind of empowering.
The interesting thing about the group last night: there were two very young college age girls there. They had both been hospitalized for doing those caffeinated alcoholic drinks (like Four Loko). They were at the meeting to learn and absorb rather than deciding they never want to drink again in their lives. There was also a woman who was a crack cocaine addict (I never met one of those personally!), a young guy addicted to crystal meth, a woman so addicted to alcohol that she actually drank rubbing alcohol (yep, I kid you not), the guy addicted to Benzos and Adderall and anything else he could get his hands on, and then a handful of garden variety "drunks" (I use the term good naturedly
). Here I am addicted to Chardonnay and Pinot Noir in the middle of all of this, but you know -- we all know wine can be just as harmful as anything else. So here I am with this cast of characters. Fortunately there were enough people with alcohol problems so I did not feel too out of place. The guy with the crystal meth addiction could relate to everything I said about my wine addiction, so there is definitely a lot of parallels to be found.
I'm happy with the group and really am motivated this time. It's motivation out of self-respect and self-love more than anything else, which has been lacking in me for quite some time.
I'm off to my day.... good day, everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Hey all! Freakin Tired..........
Going to try to pull out another good day despite the exhaustion.
Laura, love your attitude Glad to see you back.
Lyddie, I looked up SMART meetings awhile ago and there is one in Santa Monica. Way to far for you. I never went though. I still want to go to an AA meeting there is one a block away from me. I just never find the time.
Dee have a good day
Has anyone heard from HFA? I hope is he doing good. You hear that HFA? Check in!
Shoei, I am sure your lurking somewhere, HI!
Wish I took naps...
Talk later
DAY 23
Going to try to pull out another good day despite the exhaustion.
Laura, love your attitude
Glad to see you back.Lyddie, I looked up SMART meetings awhile ago and there is one in Santa Monica. Way to far for you. I never went though. I still want to go to an AA meeting there is one a block away from me. I just never find the time.
Dee have a good day
Has anyone heard from HFA? I hope is he doing good. You hear that HFA? Check in!
Shoei, I am sure your lurking somewhere, HI!
Wish I took naps...
Talk later
DAY 23
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
Beth - Why don't you nap when you put DD down for her nap?
Laura - I know several people from California who did move to Hawaii. Most of them moved back within the year. The high cost of living is the main reason - although a couple did say that the distance away from friends and family was difficult. I would love to go for a month, relax for a week or two and then do one of those Hawaiian yoga retreats before coming home.
Laura - I know several people from California who did move to Hawaii. Most of them moved back within the year. The high cost of living is the main reason - although a couple did say that the distance away from friends and family was difficult. I would love to go for a month, relax for a week or two and then do one of those Hawaiian yoga retreats before coming home.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Hey Lyddie, I wish I could take naps. My mind won't shut down during the day. I have a hard time at night too. I did try again today but no go. It would be the answer to my exhaustion if I could because she takes a 1-2 hour nap daily. Thanks for the thought though
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Lyddie, I can totally understand that! I started looking at the price of real esate on Oahu and realized that I can't afford to move there!!! I really like your idea of spending a month there and going on a yoga retreat. I can dream about it, right??
I am the queen of naps. I love taking naps. I took a couple of them today. While my dog was being groomed outside in a truck, I put my head down on the side of the couch and was out. Then he came back in and and I took a short nap on the couch before heading into work. While I work, I started falling asleep at my computer and soooooo badly wanted another nap (but it wouldn't look very good having me sleep on the job, so I had to get up, walk around and try to wake up.)
Hope everyone is having a good night. I'm going to try to take it easy. No big plans.
I am the queen of naps. I love taking naps. I took a couple of them today. While my dog was being groomed outside in a truck, I put my head down on the side of the couch and was out. Then he came back in and and I took a short nap on the couch before heading into work. While I work, I started falling asleep at my computer and soooooo badly wanted another nap (but it wouldn't look very good having me sleep on the job, so I had to get up, walk around and try to wake up.)
Hope everyone is having a good night. I'm going to try to take it easy. No big plans.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
YAY YAY YAY Lyddie!!! So cool! Congrats on 5 months
I went to Macy's today and bought some awesome boots that I didn't try on cause I had DD with me. I just figured they would fit. Oh one did fit because it was a 8 and the other was a 7! How annoying is that!! UGH! I have to return tomorrow and hope they still have size as they were on sale!
I am just about to make some rainbow trout for dinner, with spinach souffle (stouffers), and rice or potatoes not sure prob potatoes.
I had some thoughts of wanting a drink today but nothing too crazy.
Have a good day/night
DAY 24
I went to Macy's today and bought some awesome boots that I didn't try on cause I had DD with me. I just figured they would fit. Oh one did fit because it was a 8 and the other was a 7! How annoying is that!! UGH! I have to return tomorrow and hope they still have size as they were on sale!
I am just about to make some rainbow trout for dinner, with spinach souffle (stouffers), and rice or potatoes not sure prob potatoes.
I had some thoughts of wanting a drink today but nothing too crazy.
Have a good day/night
DAY 24
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 91
Hi all,
Yes you are right Beth, lurking in the background. I know I should post more but do receive so much from reading threads as well. I guess if everyone was like me then there would be no threads to read which would be a bit of a disaster. Must try harder. Good to see you back TJ and read all your news. I'm back to work on Monday which I'm looking forward to, a bit of structure plus a change of pace and scenery. Well back to lurking, keep up the great work everyone.
Shoei.
Day 170.
Yes you are right Beth, lurking in the background. I know I should post more but do receive so much from reading threads as well. I guess if everyone was like me then there would be no threads to read which would be a bit of a disaster. Must try harder. Good to see you back TJ and read all your news. I'm back to work on Monday which I'm looking forward to, a bit of structure plus a change of pace and scenery. Well back to lurking, keep up the great work everyone.
Shoei.
Day 170.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 780
Originally Posted by alexvt 
Has anyone heard from HFA? I hope is he doing good. You hear that HFA? Check in!
Anyway, thanks for caring and I am now on Week 22...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Thank God HFA I thought you were running amuck! LOL!
Thanks Dee, I have to return today..No fun
Hey Lyddie have a good day at work it's friday!!
I am going to take DD to park today. I little frightened to be honest. I think it's like High school with the other moms at park, and we are new. I also have to go buy a new stroller at ToysRus. Fun Fun!
Have a good one!
DAY 25
Thanks Dee, I have to return today..No fun
Hey Lyddie have a good day at work it's friday!!
I am going to take DD to park today. I little frightened to be honest. I think it's like High school with the other moms at park, and we are new. I also have to go buy a new stroller at ToysRus. Fun Fun!
Have a good one!
DAY 25
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