traderjane

Thanks, Beth. I'm sure your prayers helped!! And I hope you're right about breaking free... the more I go without alcohol, certainly the easier it gets. And the less appealing it seems. I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything anymore.

When I think of a glass of wine right now, I can just sort of feel my head hurt. Does that make sense?

So life is good right now... kids are with their Dad, I get a night off and I'm not going to worry about things tonight. Will check in later.

alexvt

It makes sense Laura. When I think of wine I think of the 5 am panic attack and the guilt and shame I would feel all for nothing.

angelnz

It's great to hear that you are all doing so great it makes me smile! Spent the day with my sister being honest for once - not like she didnt know. She was great but still feel crappy. Just cant get my head around how I ended up where I am. So sad my relationship is over but I dont blame him he has put up with loads if I am honest (hasnt been a strong point!). I know I can do this day 5 and no worries. Went passed the local wine shop this morning while out walking and they had a saying in the window "a day without wine is a day without sunshine" I nearly wet my pants laughing thinking a day with wine will only bring darkness - what do they know. Anyway things are great in New Zealand the weather sucks though! So great to be able to chat and not feel so lonely. Thanks guys

alexvt

Hey Angel, Day 5 is great! You are almost over the worst of it. Walking is a good thing to do. That is funny about the wine sign
Try concentrating on yourself and the rest will fall into place when it come to your relationships with others.
I was going to ask you how everything in Auckland was. I looked it up and saw that you guys sustain some damage from the earthquake. Hope you, friends and family came out of it without too much damage.
So we all know I suck with math,Geography and Grammar. LOL. But are you on the same time frame as Jasper or Dee?

I f so I hope your sleeping well. Talk soon! Stay strong!

traderjane

Hey Angelnz nice to hear from you. I know what you mean. Sometimes I say to myself, "How on Earth did I get myself in this situation?" I think I've moved beyond that now but it took a while. I now just say to myself, "Well, I'm in this situation so what am I going to do about it."

That slogan at the wine shop is really ridiculous and funny. OMG, wine is like my downfall. I never drank any other type of alcohol regularly, just wine. I think I had some romantic notion that if drank wine everyday I would be happy, cool, relaxed, hip, etc....what a joke.

Ugh. I have a really busy weekend ahead. I am stressed about all I have to do. On top of that, I got an email that my parents want to talk to me about something. That is scaring the h*ll out of me. It must be serious for them to put it in a email. Why do they do this to me? Ugh, now I'll be nervous until I see them at 1:30 today.

I'll let you know later -- hopefully nothing too bad, but I hate this feeling. Not good..... but will check in later.

I'm on Day 10.

alexvt

Hey Laura, Your parents have me nervous! Why do I feel like I am in trouble? lol! Well just remember you are a responsible adult now so whatever they throw at you at least it has nothing with something you did while drunk. Could you imagine if you got that email with a hangover? Panic attack central! So keep us informed.

Congrats on day 10!!! Can you believe it? Only 5 more days!! So excited for you!!!

Have a Great day!

alexvt

Hey Lyddie, Japer and HFA, haven't heard from you guys in awhile, hope your all doing good

traderjane

Thanks, Beth. You know I'm actually an emotional wreck today. I think all this "not drinking" is allowing all these emotions to surface -- real emotions that I have been trying to cover up with alcohol for the past 3 or so years.

I'm sitting here crying and I don't know why. I'm still healing from my breakups. I suppose it's good to cry. My therapist was trying to get me to cry at the sessions and I refused to do that as it felt really awkward crying in front of her.

I thought I would be happy having this weekend off from my kids and all I feel is sadness, loneliness and worry for the future. And it didn't help that my parents want to "talk" to me. It's making me so nervous and my mind is racing to all the possible things they could want to talk about. Sounds so serious and it's scaring me.

Thanks for being here so I can talk to someone. I do hope this weekend gets better. I'll be sure to check in later.

It's not like I'm even thinking about drinking, so no worries there. But I'm dealing with my emotions and it's a little tough.

traderjane

Getting ready to go over to my parents. Will write later.

So I was sitting here thinking about how the end of this relationship 3 years ago was like a death for me. I have never allowed myself to grieve over it, always self-medicating with alcohol and trying to fill the void with another person or activity. I have not healed from it. It is like a death. Today with 10 days sober I feel the full effects of losing someone that was important to me and it hurts like hell. I guess this is the first step of healing. And no way is alcohol going to derail me again.

Hope everyone is having a more lighthearted day than I am, but my day still has hope for improving. Thanks, friends for listening!

alexvt

Laura, I feel you on all the crap coming out. That happened to me the first time I had 23 days in June. I never really mourned the death of my best friend in high school who later became my college roommate. We lost touch I didn't even go to her funeral. Still hard. When my dad died I stayed drunk the whole month of March 2010. I finally came to terms with his death the week of his birthday in August.
When I decided to get sober this last time I felt it was really time to move on from all the negative sad events and celebrate their lives and my experiences.

Alcohol just kept me down and in denial. Time to grow up and face life's hardships. They are still hard and sad but much less so sober. Dunno why. Just glad not to be wallowing in my own self pity anymore.

Come here after you talk to parents and get whatever it is out, before you start to spiral. I'll be checking in all day.

DD has a fever of 100.9 so I am keeping an eye on her.

DAY 33

traderjane

Hey, thanks Beth I soooo much appreciate your support. Don't know what was up with me this morning but woke up that way, in a sad down mood. Maybe it's just what you said -- all the crap coming to the surface and finally having to deal with it instead of bury it. I'm pretty sure whatever I went through this morning was helpful to me.

So here's the scoop on my parents. I was so, so nervous about what they wanted to talk to me about. All sorts of things were going through my mind -- everything from someone in the family died or is very sick to alcohol, to parenting, to everything.. I was just so nervous. Here's what they wanted to talk to me about:

(1) my daughter's problem she is having in gym class
(2) they think my au pair is possibly pregnant

Well the first item we talked about ways to deal with and the au pair thing... well it never crossed my mind that she could be pregnant. I noticed that she had gained some weight but thought it was because of eating a lot here in America. It never even occurred to me that she could be pregnant. She has gained weight in her stomach area, but I didn't think anything of it. Now I'm going to be more aware of it when I see her.

If she is pregnant, she will have to go back home which would TOTALLY suck for me, as I have spent the good part of the last two months training her to take care of my kids. So let's hope it's that she just gained weight.

Honestly I am relieved that that is what they wanted to talk about. I thought it was something about me being a bad parent or my past problems with alcohol, etc. I am relieved.

Now I'm going to have a good day and get as much done as I can. That's all I can do.

It's very quiet here and I'm sitting with my dog on the couch with the quiet hum of a fan on. Very nice. I wish all of life could be this nice.

Oh, and I went to a cookout at my parents' condo building with them. It was nice and I met a lot of their neighbors, etc. They just moved here two months ago. There was this one guy there and I started talking to him. I ended up talking to him for a long time. He was older than me, as it turns out 10 years older. Also divorced with older children. I caught myself looking at him and thinking, "He's a reasonably good looking guy... for someone in his fifties." At the end of our conversation he asked for my last name and wanted to "look me up." Hmmmm.... I don't know what I would do if he called me. I don't think my parents caught on that he was trying to hook up with me at this condo picnic. LOL.

So here's to a better rest of the day. And thanks Beth for being there!! I will check in later.

alexvt

Hey Laura I am so glad it wasn't anything Crazy, Well the pregnant part is kind of crazy..Haha So I hope it all works out. Glad you are handling things the right way. I mean really there is no other option. Drinking 1 night will give some satisfaction maybe for 4 hrs. Then the comes the panic attacks. Then comes the hungover, sick, guilty exhausted, depressed day. Then right back to day 1. NO FUN!

Take it easy and have a great night Laura. Very proud of you!

traderjane

Thanks, Beth!!!

Yep, the day started out kind of funky but definitely got better and better. I had a really strange sort of day where (besides the condo picnic thing) I really wanted to hang out by myself (with my dog, of course) and just have a quiet day. I mean literally quiet. No music, etc. It just fit my mood. I think I was able to work through some things this way.

I did not stress about all that I have to do and instead just made a list (on a white board, LOL) and just quietly and slowly worked on them, one by one. Still have a lot to do, but got some stuff done today which is good.

I went on a bike ride at sunset which was really nice and relaxing.

All in all, a meditative type of day. Not a bad idea.

So made it through day 10. In all honesty, drinking never entered my mind today even though I was dealing with all sorts of emotions. So that is progress.

I plan to go watch some TV or a movie now. So will check in tomorrow. Where is everyone but you, me and Angel?

traderjane

p.s. You described what drinking is like to a tee. That's exactly the drill. Who needs it. I do not anymore.

p.p.s. I saw my au pair tonight and was trying to figure out if she was pregnant while not staring at her belly too closely. Ugh. I can see what my parents were thinking. If she is pregnant, she looks to be about 4 months along. But of course I cannot ask her. She has to tell me. If she is not pregnant, then she gained weight in a strange spot. I guess it's possible, so you should never ask, LOL!

Shoei

Hi everyone,

A memo was sent out about use of the internet here in the jungle. A lot of sites are blocked like youtube and other file sharing sites as the contracting company does not like that sort of thing. Other sites are not blocked but we are not meant to use them......skype for example. People are abusing it so they are closely watching what sites we are visiting. I'm just a bit paranoid about people looking at me and what sites I am visiting. I have one more week and then am out on break. I will then be able to post without fear. Well done Beth on your 34 days (I think). I'm on 102 days today. All is going well, happy and calm. Will be back in action here on the 4th October. Have a great day everyone.

Jasper.

traderjane

Hi Jasper! I wish I understood what you meant about being in the jungle, but I somehow missed that. I remember that you are a pilot. Glad you will be able to join us in earnest on Oct. 4th.

It occurred to me this morning that I'm in double digits now with you guys Hanging with the big boys. I'm on Day 11 and so was in double digits yesterday, but was so caught up in my emotions that I wasn't thinking numbers.

My plan for today is to go for a run before it starts to rain, finish laundry, do bills (ugh), work (ugh), and grocery shopping later (ugh). Lots of life stuff to deal with, but what's a person to do?

Have a nice Sunday everyone!

Laura

traderjane

Well, as I read over my plan for the day I really didn't like it

All work and no play makes for a sad Laura. So I'm going to a yoga class at 11:00

alexvt

YAY J! I was getting worried about you friend. So glad you doing so good. 102 days is so awesome. I totally understand not wanting them to see this site. Have a good day and I looking forward to talking soon

P.S. You are correct 34 days! Thanks!

alexvt

Hey Laura! Today + 4 makes 15 days!! I know you got it this time. No looking back now! So I need to go do something today. I haven't decided what.

I actually went to bed at 11 pm last night night. Of course DD woke me up at 2 am I thought it was 5 am. I was stumbling around getting her bottle and wondering why I was so tired. What a nice surprise.
Fast forward to 3am and XF was still up trying to let dog out and making a lot of noise, woke me up.
5 am cat puking guts up in room (tmi)
Finally up at 6:40 am. Drinking coffee and watching "The Wiggles" Yes this is my life at 39 folks. Haha!

Crazy as that is it is still more sleep than I normally get.

Think I will go for a walk with DD before it gets up to 100. Its always cool in the morning here.

Have a great day all!

DAY 34

lyddie

I am still here and doing well. Been working a lot which leaves me with little energy for much else. I spent yesterday reading and watching Elvis Costello's show Spectacle after going to the farmer's market. Finally I am able to listen to music sober - for awhile it was just too much of a trigger. Now I need to decide whether to be busy or continue the lazy theme today.

HFA is now over 90 days sober.

Jasper - my work monitors internet usage so although tempted I don't visit SR from work. Can you access the internet from a personal laptop? Or is your internet access limited to your work's network when you are in the jungle?

Beth & Laura - glad you are both still here!