Codependency and Beyond Part 15
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
My dearest Gyps
.. I understand right where you are...and I used to resent the years I spent projecting onto myself what I was taught before I even got a chance to find out for myself who I was...
self-loathing...that what it was...and I really didn't know why...look in the mirror...I avoided mirrors!
And I was a good looking gal....but it was how I was made to feel about ME that I could not escape, no matter what I wore or who liked me...when I was very young, I was made to feel NOT ENOUGH and I believed it...
The mourning for LISA is good...a good place to be...a hard place, but you have all you need plus tons of courage and a beautiful spirit to move forward....
no rush, be gentle with you...you are finally here, at a place where you get to choose who Lisa is, even tho it does not feel that way...many have come before you on this journey and there are many behind you...
you are doing awesome, Gyps....hang in there, hon...I am excited for you and proud of you!
.. I understand right where you are...and I used to resent the years I spent projecting onto myself what I was taught before I even got a chance to find out for myself who I was...self-loathing...that what it was...and I really didn't know why...look in the mirror...I avoided mirrors!
And I was a good looking gal....but it was how I was made to feel about ME that I could not escape, no matter what I wore or who liked me...when I was very young, I was made to feel NOT ENOUGH and I believed it...
The mourning for LISA is good...a good place to be...a hard place, but you have all you need plus tons of courage and a beautiful spirit to move forward....
no rush, be gentle with you...you are finally here, at a place where you get to choose who Lisa is, even tho it does not feel that way...many have come before you on this journey and there are many behind you...
you are doing awesome, Gyps....hang in there, hon...I am excited for you and proud of you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - I don't think YOU see it, but I see so much growth in you and am very proud of you! The bad part is that growth usually hurts (or at least, for me), but the good news is when we deal with it and get past it, life gets way better.
(((Annie))) - thanks, sweetie. Now I'll be singing Doris Day all day
This is a good thing!
(((Grateful))) thanks to you, too. I try to step back and look at the big picture...as long as I pass, with decent grades, it's all good. I just have this thing that I want to be on the dean's list...sigh.
This is OT, but I'd signed up for a clinical trial on hot flashes. I talked to the lady this morning, and IF I qualify, I'll be put on a new, nonhormonal, medication for 6 months, get paid for every office visit and/or phone call to total $450. They're outside Atlanta, but it would be worth it if I could get some relief AND get paid. Fingers are crossed.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Annie))) - thanks, sweetie. Now I'll be singing Doris Day all day
This is a good thing!(((Grateful))) thanks to you, too. I try to step back and look at the big picture...as long as I pass, with decent grades, it's all good. I just have this thing that I want to be on the dean's list...sigh.
This is OT, but I'd signed up for a clinical trial on hot flashes. I talked to the lady this morning, and IF I qualify, I'll be put on a new, nonhormonal, medication for 6 months, get paid for every office visit and/or phone call to total $450. They're outside Atlanta, but it would be worth it if I could get some relief AND get paid. Fingers are crossed.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Darned good point, ((Chino)) I DO have a lot of gratitude...that my schooling is paid for, that I didn't kill all my brain cells smoking crack, that I still enjoy school.
Boss man cut me back to 2 days this week. I had figured that I was going to be punished for not working overnights. Though I don't relish looking for yet another job, he's given me more time to work on school AND look for another job.
In the meantime, it's gotten cooler here and I've got Patches, sitting on my desk, asleep...Elvis in my lap, and Tinker at my feet. Mots insists on staying outside on the carport at night. Who WOULDN'T feel all "loved up" with my furbabies?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I DO have a lot of gratitude...that my schooling is paid for, that I didn't kill all my brain cells smoking crack, that I still enjoy school.Boss man cut me back to 2 days this week. I had figured that I was going to be punished for not working overnights. Though I don't relish looking for yet another job, he's given me more time to work on school AND look for another job.
In the meantime, it's gotten cooler here and I've got Patches, sitting on my desk, asleep...Elvis in my lap, and Tinker at my feet. Mots insists on staying outside on the carport at night. Who WOULDN'T feel all "loved up" with my furbabies?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
God, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
God, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
God, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
God, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
bleh. I woke up in the middle of a dream of the TW. I felt sick to my stomach, said a quick 3rd step prayer, changed the subject in my mind, fell asleep, and woke up thinking of him again.
We had a reading not to long ago about that quiet time when we first wake up. About listening to what is bothering us. So I have listened. I don't want to dwell on this guy anymore.
maybe I need to get real mad at him
my sponsor says I can't think myself out of feelings, I have to go through them, but he also says happy horsepoop about choosing how I feel.
ah well, today I am bound and determined not to let it ruin my ENTIRE day, eeesh.
I love that saying chino!
We had a reading not to long ago about that quiet time when we first wake up. About listening to what is bothering us. So I have listened. I don't want to dwell on this guy anymore.
maybe I need to get real mad at him
my sponsor says I can't think myself out of feelings, I have to go through them, but he also says happy horsepoop about choosing how I feel.
ah well, today I am bound and determined not to let it ruin my ENTIRE day, eeesh.
I love that saying chino!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
I find the first line encouraging...and I never thought about it that way before and of course its true..
Amy, your post left me feeling full of gratitude!...I have been in yet another not fun fibro flare this week and this morning I felt a whine coming on...
I am grateful I have my mobility..
I am grateful I have relative good health..
I am grateful I can enjoy my semi-retirement by doing what I love when I love to do it...
I am grateful for my blossoming recovered daughter..
I am grateful for my furbabies..
(((Gyps)))
I find the first line encouraging...and I never thought about it that way before and of course its true..
Amy, your post left me feeling full of gratitude!...I have been in yet another not fun fibro flare this week and this morning I felt a whine coming on...
I am grateful I have my mobility..
I am grateful I have relative good health..
I am grateful I can enjoy my semi-retirement by doing what I love when I love to do it...
I am grateful for my blossoming recovered daughter..
I am grateful for my furbabies..
(((Gyps)))
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
hey my friends ~
asking for prayers for a co-worker, Becky -
she is being medivac'd to have surgery to remove a lump/tumor that is causing a blockage in her lower intestines area - local drs here believe it may be cancerous.
thanks,
Rita
asking for prayers for a co-worker, Becky -
she is being medivac'd to have surgery to remove a lump/tumor that is causing a blockage in her lower intestines area - local drs here believe it may be cancerous.
thanks,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rita))) - many prayers being said for ((Becky))
(((Lisa))) - I "get" what your sponsor says about feelings. Don't like going through them, so much (at least, not the bad ones), but experience shows once we DO go through them, they don't have as much impact.
I'm about to get ready for work, but wanted to update. I didn't qualify for the one clinical trial, but am in another one. It's a medicine I've taken for nerve pain, in the past, and had researched because at higher doses it helps with hot flashes...I just couldn't afford it. This one only pays $200, BUT I'll get the med for FREE for 8 months! I have two appts. already set up for the next 2 Tuesdays.
Also got an e-mail on one of the merchandising sites I'd signed up for. They're about to start doing demo's (dog food, human food in grocery stores, etc.) and one demo pays about what I make in 8 HOURS of work, now. The friend that hooked me up with this, does the dog food demos in PetSmart and loves it - I just love PetSmart, anyway, so if it works out, that could be fun and still give me flexibility. They also pay, within 2 days, direct deposit
Okay, time to get ready for work. It's only 8 hours, I can do this I'm going in, in a good mood - partly because I AM in a good mood, and partly because it will tick my boss off that I'm not all upset about the decreased hours.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Lisa))) - I "get" what your sponsor says about feelings. Don't like going through them, so much (at least, not the bad ones), but experience shows once we DO go through them, they don't have as much impact.
I'm about to get ready for work, but wanted to update. I didn't qualify for the one clinical trial, but am in another one. It's a medicine I've taken for nerve pain, in the past, and had researched because at higher doses it helps with hot flashes...I just couldn't afford it. This one only pays $200, BUT I'll get the med for FREE for 8 months! I have two appts. already set up for the next 2 Tuesdays.
Also got an e-mail on one of the merchandising sites I'd signed up for. They're about to start doing demo's (dog food, human food in grocery stores, etc.) and one demo pays about what I make in 8 HOURS of work, now. The friend that hooked me up with this, does the dog food demos in PetSmart and loves it - I just love PetSmart, anyway, so if it works out, that could be fun and still give me flexibility. They also pay, within 2 days, direct deposit
Okay, time to get ready for work. It's only 8 hours, I can do this
I'm going in, in a good mood - partly because I AM in a good mood, and partly because it will tick my boss off that I'm not all upset about the decreased hours. Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Rita, my thoughts and prayers are with your friend Becky...please keep us posted..
Amy, I am so happy to hear about a possible job at Pet Smart..wouldn't that be fun?
Good news on the clinical trial ..on free meds and some money coming in to boot!
good for you, Amy
Amy, I am so happy to hear about a possible job at Pet Smart..wouldn't that be fun?
Good news on the clinical trial ..on free meds and some money coming in to boot!
good for you, Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I love the attitude amy!
So. . .I decided enough beating myself up. I have told lots of people "its not his fault, i knew what I was getting into, etc etc". I owned my part TO DEATH haha. Today, I talked to the little girl I once was. I told her she was wonderful and beautiful and I loved her, and she told me I was too, and she wanted me to know it. I spent the day with an old friend. we went to the noon meeting, and the TW tried to talk sweet to me.I told him I did not want to talk to him, that it wasnt working for me (which I had already emailed him, but he has no respect for my boundaries). After the meeting, he came over smiling and called me cookie or some such sh!t, and I told him to go away. he walked away not very happy. In the parking lot, he had blocked my car in (waiting to pick up an old guy who cant walk well), and I lit into him. Told him I had been blaming myself for a month, and thinking he was a swell guy, but that he was an a$$ for the way he treated me, and to bug off and leave me alone.
it felt SOOOOO good, eeesh. About 5 minutes later, a nice boy (not in recovery, a "normie" from work) called and asked me to dinner and a movie.
This one is a single dad, great with his kid, no time for a relationship, wants to be friends. I dont even care at this point, I just feel so good about taking back a little of myself today.
I AM a nice person. He did not nice things. I dont have to own all of it, just my part.
have I thanked you guys lately? <3 <3 <3
So. . .I decided enough beating myself up. I have told lots of people "its not his fault, i knew what I was getting into, etc etc". I owned my part TO DEATH haha. Today, I talked to the little girl I once was. I told her she was wonderful and beautiful and I loved her, and she told me I was too, and she wanted me to know it. I spent the day with an old friend. we went to the noon meeting, and the TW tried to talk sweet to me.I told him I did not want to talk to him, that it wasnt working for me (which I had already emailed him, but he has no respect for my boundaries). After the meeting, he came over smiling and called me cookie or some such sh!t, and I told him to go away. he walked away not very happy. In the parking lot, he had blocked my car in (waiting to pick up an old guy who cant walk well), and I lit into him. Told him I had been blaming myself for a month, and thinking he was a swell guy, but that he was an a$$ for the way he treated me, and to bug off and leave me alone.
it felt SOOOOO good, eeesh. About 5 minutes later, a nice boy (not in recovery, a "normie" from work) called and asked me to dinner and a movie.
This one is a single dad, great with his kid, no time for a relationship, wants to be friends. I dont even care at this point, I just feel so good about taking back a little of myself today.
I AM a nice person. He did not nice things. I dont have to own all of it, just my part.
have I thanked you guys lately? <3 <3 <3
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Thursday, November 4, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Anger
Feeling angry - and, sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.
As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: "If only he would have done that... If I wouldn't have done that... Why didn't God do it differently?"... We know that blame doesn't help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.
It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.
Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.
God, help me learn to accept my own and others' anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Anger
Feeling angry - and, sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.
As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: "If only he would have done that... If I wouldn't have done that... Why didn't God do it differently?"... We know that blame doesn't help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.
It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.
Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.
God, help me learn to accept my own and others' anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I AM a nice person. He did not nice things. I don't have to own all of it, just my part.
(((Gyps)))..yes!.....
seriously, I am so proud of you and happy for you....I have been hooked so many times by someone's else's abuse and wound up taking it on myself and suffering on that hook until I figured out the truth...which sometimes took a while!
(((Gyps)))..yes!.....
seriously, I am so proud of you and happy for you....I have been hooked so many times by someone's else's abuse and wound up taking it on myself and suffering on that hook until I figured out the truth...which sometimes took a while!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Hahahah, look at this reading! Amazing. I woke up like a fat cat on a sunny window sill this morning, quite a difference from the torturous start of yesterday. There is a reason there are more than 2 stages, skipping from feeling hurt to acceptance doesnt always work apparently =)
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thanks for the prayers for my friend, Becky
the last update i got this morning was the dr wanted to do one more test to try to pinpoint where the mass was again and then they were going to do surgery (not sure if that meant today or surgery tomorrow)
All reports are still looking like the mass is cancerous but they won't know for sure til they do the surgery.
I appreciate the support & prayers!
Thanks,
Rita
oh yeah - PINK HUGS to all
the last update i got this morning was the dr wanted to do one more test to try to pinpoint where the mass was again and then they were going to do surgery (not sure if that meant today or surgery tomorrow)
All reports are still looking like the mass is cancerous but they won't know for sure til they do the surgery.
I appreciate the support & prayers!
Thanks,
Rita
oh yeah - PINK HUGS to all
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
haven't gotten caught up here..put myself back inpatient cause my meds weren't working.
I did see that today's reading is on anger tho' I haven't read it yet. I am angry today.
They still don't have my meds right.
I got pissed...said what do I have to do ....fly to Florida to see my pdoc or buy something off the streets?
LOL...case worker just phoned in between last paragraph and this one..I said the same thing to her.
I am so frustrated.
BUT so happy to be home, in my own favorite comfy chair with my Sprite Zero, cigarettes and am going to get some rest one way or another.
Will check back in when I have more time and have decompressed.
I did see that today's reading is on anger tho' I haven't read it yet. I am angry today.
They still don't have my meds right.
I got pissed...said what do I have to do ....fly to Florida to see my pdoc or buy something off the streets?
LOL...case worker just phoned in between last paragraph and this one..I said the same thing to her.
I am so frustrated.
BUT so happy to be home, in my own favorite comfy chair with my Sprite Zero, cigarettes and am going to get some rest one way or another.
Will check back in when I have more time and have decompressed.
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