Codependency and Beyond - Part 14
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wittss))) - being aware IS a huge step, though I sometimes need to be reminded of that
Any time I've worked on changing a behavior, or the way I think about things, the first step was becoming aware in the first place. Then my brain has time to think..is this just an automatic response (it usually is) and can I REALLY think about it and see if there's any true reason to feel what I'm feeling, or is it just a conditioned response. It takes time, but I've found that it IS possible to change those old feelings.
(((Annie))) - I hope you have a great time at Disney. Just imagine all of us there with you...I'll be Goofy Yes, my job at McD's IS temporary, but unless I somehow come up with a way to spend more time on school, it may be quite a while before I can get another job (unless HP has other ideas!)
I had decided to have faith that my boss would make things all right, and I was right. When I mentioned my schedule and that I needed to talk to him about it, everyone chimed in about THEIR schedules and "problems". He said that he was new to doing our schedule and would work with everyone. We were walking away, and I mentioned that he had me getting off at midnight on Fri., coming back in at 7 on Sat for only 3-1/2 hours and he said "WHAT?!?! I must be CRAZY" and asked me to get bring the schedule over.
He looked at what he'd had me scheduled for, again said "I MUST be crazy", asked what I'd BEEN working, and gave me back what I've been working, except that instead of overnights, I'll work 4p-midnight This should STAY my schedule unless I request something different. I also told him I'd started doing the computer modules, and that they DID help, and I really appreciated him giving me concrete suggestions on how to learn stuff and improve myself, rather than just get frustrated and snap "you should KNOW how to do this!!" He said I'm not ready for "the back" (grill area), but not to worry, I would be.
Though this is not the job I plan to make a career of, it feels awesome to have my boss in my corner, to be appreciated and to be able to go to him with concerns and not be "blown off". SOOOO different from my last job.
My g'ma is coming here from CA. Her sister died, which has hit her pretty hard. My uncle is bringing her halfway, she wants to see her nieces and nephews, but they are making things difficult, for some reason. I guess dad will go to Memphis, on the way back from Canada and pick her up (she refuses to fly). She keeps saying she wants to see me and dad. She and my stepmom also get along GREAT, so I'm glad she's coming. She's 91, and my aunt told dad that, though she's doing pretty darned good for her age, she IS getting older and it's hitting dad that she's not going to be here forever.
When she's been here before, dad's always left my mom (when she was alive) or my stepmom to entertain her. I told him he'd better not do that, this time. He talks about missing her, but then doesn't spend quality time with her. I'm guilty, too...spend too much time in my room. We both still have to work, but hopefully we'll be home enough that we get to spend time with her. She's a codie, through and through, when it comes to her kids and grandkids, but it really doesn't affect ME, and I love her dearly. She's been dealing with my uncle (on methadone, bipolar) and his son, my cousin (alcoholic, schizophrenic) at home, so I hope she can not worry about that while she's here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Any time I've worked on changing a behavior, or the way I think about things, the first step was becoming aware in the first place. Then my brain has time to think..is this just an automatic response (it usually is) and can I REALLY think about it and see if there's any true reason to feel what I'm feeling, or is it just a conditioned response. It takes time, but I've found that it IS possible to change those old feelings.(((Annie))) - I hope you have a great time at Disney. Just imagine all of us there with you...I'll be Goofy
Yes, my job at McD's IS temporary, but unless I somehow come up with a way to spend more time on school, it may be quite a while before I can get another job (unless HP has other ideas!)I had decided to have faith that my boss would make things all right, and I was right. When I mentioned my schedule and that I needed to talk to him about it, everyone chimed in about THEIR schedules and "problems". He said that he was new to doing our schedule and would work with everyone. We were walking away, and I mentioned that he had me getting off at midnight on Fri., coming back in at 7 on Sat for only 3-1/2 hours and he said "WHAT?!?! I must be CRAZY" and asked me to get bring the schedule over.
He looked at what he'd had me scheduled for, again said "I MUST be crazy", asked what I'd BEEN working, and gave me back what I've been working, except that instead of overnights, I'll work 4p-midnight
This should STAY my schedule unless I request something different. I also told him I'd started doing the computer modules, and that they DID help, and I really appreciated him giving me concrete suggestions on how to learn stuff and improve myself, rather than just get frustrated and snap "you should KNOW how to do this!!" He said I'm not ready for "the back" (grill area), but not to worry, I would be.Though this is not the job I plan to make a career of, it feels awesome to have my boss in my corner, to be appreciated and to be able to go to him with concerns and not be "blown off". SOOOO different from my last job.
My g'ma is coming here from CA. Her sister died, which has hit her pretty hard. My uncle is bringing her halfway, she wants to see her nieces and nephews, but they are making things difficult, for some reason. I guess dad will go to Memphis, on the way back from Canada and pick her up (she refuses to fly). She keeps saying she wants to see me and dad. She and my stepmom also get along GREAT, so I'm glad she's coming. She's 91, and my aunt told dad that, though she's doing pretty darned good for her age, she IS getting older and it's hitting dad that she's not going to be here forever.
When she's been here before, dad's always left my mom (when she was alive) or my stepmom to entertain her. I told him he'd better not do that, this time. He talks about missing her, but then doesn't spend quality time with her. I'm guilty, too...spend too much time in my room. We both still have to work, but hopefully we'll be home enough that we get to spend time with her. She's a codie, through and through, when it comes to her kids and grandkids, but it really doesn't affect ME, and I love her dearly. She's been dealing with my uncle (on methadone, bipolar) and his son, my cousin (alcoholic, schizophrenic) at home, so I hope she can not worry about that while she's here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Withholding
Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we're not. We're not available to participate in the relationship.
We shut down.
Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.
To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship.
It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be one of our relationship-sabotaging devices.
Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways - hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way?
Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available?
Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available.
God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships I choose to be in.
Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we're not. We're not available to participate in the relationship.
We shut down.
Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.
To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship.
It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be one of our relationship-sabotaging devices.
Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways - hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way?
Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available?
Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available.
God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships I choose to be in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: portland, or
Posts: 33
I have to share my detachment story as it was critical for me to begin to grow. God willing tomorrow I will have 1 year clean and sober This is the time I found out I was codependent with my 26 year old son and I feel it has been the BIGGEST issue blocking me from growth, peace and serenity. He left for 5 months, and I continued to work on me! When he came back just a few weeks ago, I ended up in the emergency room within 40 hours of his return, ughhh I call this the worst day of my life so far, my anxiety was the worst EVer. I denied that anything had changed in my life to cause this, until 2 days later my grand sponsor said "you know what it is". And I did.. The next morning I wrote a note and asked him to please find another place to stay and he said he understood and did. I detached and he is ok. It seems I had a whisper of peace and serenity that I wasn't aware of yet until it was gone!! I feel amazing again. I am thankful for the awareness I have now because I also know it will be tested. Thanks for reading and being here
This is the time I found out I was codependent with my 26 year old son and I feel it has been the BIGGEST issue blocking me from growth, peace and serenity. He left for 5 months, and I continued to work on me! When he came back just a few weeks ago, I ended up in the emergency room within 40 hours of his return, ughhh I call this the worst day of my life so far, my anxiety was the worst EVer. I denied that anything had changed in my life to cause this, until 2 days later my grand sponsor said "you know what it is". And I did.. The next morning I wrote a note and asked him to please find another place to stay and he said he understood and did. I detached and he is ok. It seems I had a whisper of peace and serenity that I wasn't aware of yet until it was gone!! I feel amazing again. I am thankful for the awareness I have now because I also know it will be tested. Thanks for reading and being here
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Meems))) - congratulations on your one year clean and sober!!! I know that once I started dealing with "life on life's terms", I think my codieness became glaringly apparent. I wasn't exactly AWARE that that's what it was, but I'd been reading up on codie stuff for quite a while, was reading, here, on the F&F forums, so I had a good idea.
I'm sorry you had to end up in the hospital, but I think it's fantastic that you went to your grandsponsor about it, and took action so fast. I think you'll find what I did...the codie recovery enhances our addiction recovery and vice versa. I think it's the ultimate form of taking care of ourselves. I've also found that the longer I'm in recovery for BOTH issues, the more I learn, and though there are the typical "speed bumps", he have people to reach out for support, people who can help us with their ES&H, and I'm amazed at how much better life gets.
I hope you have a great day planned for today (it's 3a.m. where I am)...you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you had to end up in the hospital, but I think it's fantastic that you went to your grandsponsor about it, and took action so fast. I think you'll find what I did...the codie recovery enhances our addiction recovery and vice versa. I think it's the ultimate form of taking care of ourselves. I've also found that the longer I'm in recovery for BOTH issues, the more I learn, and though there are the typical "speed bumps", he have people to reach out for support, people who can help us with their ES&H, and I'm amazed at how much better life gets.
I hope you have a great day planned for today (it's 3a.m. where I am)...you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Saturday, June 26, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surviving Slumps
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all to well do not work.
We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surviving Slumps
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all to well do not work.
We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Sunday, June 27, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Achieving Harmony
When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part - the sound, the feel, the rhythm, and the tones - then both hands can play together.
During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created - a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.
When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.
We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.
One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.
We work on our relationship with our Higher Power - our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.
We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.
It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music - just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.
What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, and a life in harmony.
The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.
Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Achieving Harmony
When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part - the sound, the feel, the rhythm, and the tones - then both hands can play together.
During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created - a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.
When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.
We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.
One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.
We work on our relationship with our Higher Power - our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.
We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.
It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music - just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.
What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, and a life in harmony.
The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.
Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Oh my, here I am again weeping at the reading, just for me=) It's been awhile.
Last night I had a pretty epic panic attack at the biggest meeting here in town. I have found some gaping holes in my recovery, mostly concerning self confidence and self love. I have been questioning if I had done ANY of the steps right, or if I was back sliding in a big way.
I really need to practice being gentle and loving towards myself. I need to remember how far I have come. I need to remember I am right where I am suppose to be, and that all of this takes time.
Last night I had a pretty epic panic attack at the biggest meeting here in town. I have found some gaping holes in my recovery, mostly concerning self confidence and self love. I have been questioning if I had done ANY of the steps right, or if I was back sliding in a big way.
I really need to practice being gentle and loving towards myself. I need to remember how far I have come. I need to remember I am right where I am suppose to be, and that all of this takes time.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
another good one!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
Often God shuts a door in our face, and then subsequently opens the door through which we need to go.
—Catherine Marshall
We try and try to control the events of our lives. And not seldom the events in others' lives, too. The occasions are frequent when our will conflicts with God's. Then for a time we feel at a loss. Our direction is uncertain. But always, always, another door opens. A better way beckons. How stubborn we are! And how simple life would be were we to daily, fully, turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. God's help and direction in all things are always available. Turning a deaf ear is like trying to find a seat in a darkened movie theater unaided by the usher.
Every experience is softened when we face it accompanied by our higher power. Any past struggle, any present fear, is a testament to our attempts to do it alone. Too frequently we forge ahead, alone, only to have our way blocked. The detours need never be there. No door closes unless there is a better way. Divine order will prevail.
There is no need to struggle, today. I will breathe deeply and take my higher power with me, wherever I go. And the doors will be open for as far as I can see.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
Often God shuts a door in our face, and then subsequently opens the door through which we need to go.
—Catherine Marshall
We try and try to control the events of our lives. And not seldom the events in others' lives, too. The occasions are frequent when our will conflicts with God's. Then for a time we feel at a loss. Our direction is uncertain. But always, always, another door opens. A better way beckons. How stubborn we are! And how simple life would be were we to daily, fully, turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. God's help and direction in all things are always available. Turning a deaf ear is like trying to find a seat in a darkened movie theater unaided by the usher.
Every experience is softened when we face it accompanied by our higher power. Any past struggle, any present fear, is a testament to our attempts to do it alone. Too frequently we forge ahead, alone, only to have our way blocked. The detours need never be there. No door closes unless there is a better way. Divine order will prevail.
There is no need to struggle, today. I will breathe deeply and take my higher power with me, wherever I go. And the doors will be open for as far as I can see.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Monday, June 28, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
When Things Don't Work
Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn't work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way.
We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn't work.
That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.
We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn't work, doesn't flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder, even though it's not working and flowing.
Sometimes, it's appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it's more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.
If it doesn't work, if it doesn't flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn't always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!
Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren't producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder.
Learn to recognize when something isn't working or isn't flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.
Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn't working, I will step back and wait for guidance.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
When Things Don't Work
Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn't work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way.
We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn't work.
That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.
We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn't work, doesn't flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder, even though it's not working and flowing.
Sometimes, it's appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it's more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.
If it doesn't work, if it doesn't flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn't always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!
Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren't producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder.
Learn to recognize when something isn't working or isn't flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.
Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn't working, I will step back and wait for guidance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I am having another bit of a meltdown. Dad is stranded in Omaha, Nebraska, with yet another somewhat expensive repair needed on his van. He was to meet my uncle, James, to pick up g'ma, but James ended up bringing her all the way here. They just got here, at 2:30 this morning. It WAS great seeing him and my uncle Roy, who I haven't seen since Brit was 2 or 3, and my uncles and I must have hugged each other and said "I love you SO much" at least 10 times. They just dropped her off, and I think they felt if they did, g'ma would go to bed. She was in the bed, asleep, within 5 minutes
I've been out of my meds that I take to sleep. It's actually an antipsychotic, but I take it only once a night, and never realized it may affect my mood? Don't know if I'm in withdrawal and/or just suffering from lack of quality sleep, which always puts me in a deep depression. Have been calling my dr. since Wed., and will call them again tomorrow with a sense of urgency....they give me samples and last month gave me a full month's supply...have told me they would keep me supplied (the Rx is over $500/month).
I made some mistakes at work, and the "problem mgr" was in full out "attack the idiot" mode. I HAD decided on boundaries, but today, just felt like a failure.
I sent out an SOS to a couple of friends, and they came through. One sent me a beautiful Bible verse that basically said to stop focusing on everything going wrong, "focus on me (God) and watch what I do with it". Something I sooo needed to hear at the time. Another friend reminded me to just focus on today. I am so very grateful for the dear friends, in recovery (one from addiction, one from codependence) how seem to say just what I need to hear.
I know I need some "down time", but I just can't get it. I've "discussed" this with HP, and asked for his help in finding a way to get some "me time". Of course, I need to spend time with my dear 91-year-old g'ma, while she's here, too. Just really would like a day where I can sleep for about 24 hours and I think I'd be in a MUCH better frame of mind.
However, I will do what I can, and know that all of this is making me stronger. Need to do some things for dad, later today, to get a paycheck of hisand get it in the bank, see if I can finagle some meds from mydr., and deal with McD's insurance company to get enrolled in their life insurance plan. Oh yeah, and be back at work in 11 hours. I think I'm also coming down with a cold.
HOWEVER, when the thought came of wanting to "disappear from my life for a while", it wasn't by using, I really didn't even know WHAT I wanted, but maybe just a break? Instead I just reached out, and got some much needed support.
Stepmom is worried about "entertaining g'ma"..she loves to go to thrift stores and yard sales. Stepmom says she's not always up to it. I'm NOT going to fret about it, or feel that I need to take time off work, or miss sleep to do it, while stepmom lays around and does nothing. She adores my g'ma, and I have a feeling she's going to figure out she can do more than she thinks. At least I haven't taken a total codie slide backward
I am amazed at how, when I'm not feeling up to par, my codie-feelings take over...not in that I want to fix anyone else, but in how I'm so down on myself. I'm going to try to get some sleep, wake up and put my codie-recovery toolbel on, and try to make tomorrow a better day. I'm NOT an idiot at work, I'm still new. Making mistakes are human...it's not MY fault we weren't staffed adequately and the girl (my mentor) was overwhelmed. She snapped at me out of frustraton, and I understand that.
I WILL be okay.
Sorry for the vent/whine. I guess it's a GOOD thing, and a testament to my recovery, that MOSTof mydays aregood thing. Maybe having a kink thrown into my life to remind me to be grateful for all the GOOD days, huh?
Love, hugs, and prayers!
Amy
I've been out of my meds that I take to sleep. It's actually an antipsychotic, but I take it only once a night, and never realized it may affect my mood? Don't know if I'm in withdrawal and/or just suffering from lack of quality sleep, which always puts me in a deep depression. Have been calling my dr. since Wed., and will call them again tomorrow with a sense of urgency....they give me samples and last month gave me a full month's supply...have told me they would keep me supplied (the Rx is over $500/month).
I made some mistakes at work, and the "problem mgr" was in full out "attack the idiot" mode. I HAD decided on boundaries, but today, just felt like a failure.
I sent out an SOS to a couple of friends, and they came through. One sent me a beautiful Bible verse that basically said to stop focusing on everything going wrong, "focus on me (God) and watch what I do with it". Something I sooo needed to hear at the time. Another friend reminded me to just focus on today. I am so very grateful for the dear friends, in recovery (one from addiction, one from codependence) how seem to say just what I need to hear.
I know I need some "down time", but I just can't get it. I've "discussed" this with HP, and asked for his help in finding a way to get some "me time". Of course, I need to spend time with my dear 91-year-old g'ma, while she's here, too. Just really would like a day where I can sleep for about 24 hours and I think I'd be in a MUCH better frame of mind.
However, I will do what I can, and know that all of this is making me stronger. Need to do some things for dad, later today, to get a paycheck of hisand get it in the bank, see if I can finagle some meds from mydr., and deal with McD's insurance company to get enrolled in their life insurance plan. Oh yeah, and be back at work in 11 hours. I think I'm also coming down with a cold.
HOWEVER, when the thought came of wanting to "disappear from my life for a while", it wasn't by using, I really didn't even know WHAT I wanted, but maybe just a break? Instead I just reached out, and got some much needed support.
Stepmom is worried about "entertaining g'ma"..she loves to go to thrift stores and yard sales. Stepmom says she's not always up to it. I'm NOT going to fret about it, or feel that I need to take time off work, or miss sleep to do it, while stepmom lays around and does nothing. She adores my g'ma, and I have a feeling she's going to figure out she can do more than she thinks. At least I haven't taken a total codie slide backward
I am amazed at how, when I'm not feeling up to par, my codie-feelings take over...not in that I want to fix anyone else, but in how I'm so down on myself. I'm going to try to get some sleep, wake up and put my codie-recovery toolbel on, and try to make tomorrow a better day. I'm NOT an idiot at work, I'm still new. Making mistakes are human...it's not MY fault we weren't staffed adequately and the girl (my mentor) was overwhelmed. She snapped at me out of frustraton, and I understand that.
I WILL be okay.
Sorry for the vent/whine. I guess it's a GOOD thing, and a testament to my recovery, that MOSTof mydays aregood thing. Maybe having a kink thrown into my life to remind me to be grateful for all the GOOD days, huh?
Love, hugs, and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
God's Will
God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.
We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God's will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we're not careful, we miss out.
That's not how it works.
We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God's will. But that's not true.
God's will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.
It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we're in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.
Sometimes, it is grand.
We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God's will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.
If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.
Today, I will trust that God's will is happening, as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
God's Will
God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.
We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God's will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we're not careful, we miss out.
That's not how it works.
We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God's will. But that's not true.
God's will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.
It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we're in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.
Sometimes, it is grand.
We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God's will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.
If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.
Today, I will trust that God's will is happening, as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
This is EXACTLY what I have been doing! I am so fidgety about the move (having misgivings about where I am moving) and my job and the course of my recovery. Last night my sponsor told me to reread the 3rd step in the 12&12. The readings always strike me as brand new. He also explained to me all of this negative self image is my ego, so today I am working on letting go, and enjoying the moment.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Amy,
Hang in there! Just do what you can do with your grandma. Of course, you want to spend time with her, but you do need to rest and take care of yourself too, otherwise you will end up suffering for it.
I hope you find some peace today.
Hang in there! Just do what you can do with your grandma. Of course, you want to spend time with her, but you do need to rest and take care of yourself too, otherwise you will end up suffering for it.
I hope you find some peace today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks ((Anna))! ((Lisa)) - thanks for a most appropriate reading, today, too!
I am doing better. Only got a couple hours of sleep, but felt MUCH better mentally. Got dad's check for him, and realized that it made me feel GOOD to be able to help him out. It's most definitely not enabling..he obviously couldn't do it himself. I know if the situation were reversed, he'd have done the same, and it just made me feel grateful that we DO have the kind of reationship where we can depend on each other when "the chips are down". He will have enough money to pay me some, too, once he gets home tomorrow.
My boss tried to change my days off, and I told him "no, I need the same days I've BEEN having off". He said "everyone wants Sunday off" and I said "well, I've had them off for almost 2 months, you know I have another job, and I need Sunday's off". He changed it back to what it's been. Honestly, I just can't work 5 days in a row at McD's..even if I do stores on my day "off", it's a break from there. It was slow, so I asked him if I could leave an hour early, and he said "no problem".
I came home, chatted with stepmom and g'ma for a little bit, then said "sorry, but I've got to lay down". I told g'ma today that I work, practically 7 days a week, and I'd spend as much time as I could with her, but I HAVE to work. She understands.
We're having a nice thunderstorm, it's cooling the weather down and we're "only" supposed to be in the high 80's for a few days...YAY!!!
I'm going to check out a few more threads, then I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am doing better. Only got a couple hours of sleep, but felt MUCH better mentally. Got dad's check for him, and realized that it made me feel GOOD to be able to help him out. It's most definitely not enabling..he obviously couldn't do it himself. I know if the situation were reversed, he'd have done the same, and it just made me feel grateful that we DO have the kind of reationship where we can depend on each other when "the chips are down". He will have enough money to pay me some, too, once he gets home tomorrow.
My boss tried to change my days off, and I told him "no, I need the same days I've BEEN having off". He said "everyone wants Sunday off" and I said "well, I've had them off for almost 2 months, you know I have another job, and I need Sunday's off". He changed it back to what it's been. Honestly, I just can't work 5 days in a row at McD's..even if I do stores on my day "off", it's a break from there. It was slow, so I asked him if I could leave an hour early, and he said "no problem".
I came home, chatted with stepmom and g'ma for a little bit, then said "sorry, but I've got to lay down". I told g'ma today that I work, practically 7 days a week, and I'd spend as much time as I could with her, but I HAVE to work. She understands.
We're having a nice thunderstorm, it's cooling the weather down and we're "only" supposed to be in the high 80's for a few days...YAY!!!
I'm going to check out a few more threads, then I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Amy, Lisa, Anna)))
thanks for sharing your struggles. it truly helps me to know there are others out there working the program, but being real about it.
I SO need to hear about not repeating behaviors that dont work. In fact, it fits into one of my favorite quotes..."The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
In Orlando. For the most part it is a great trip. Hubby is drinking...but so far it doesn't seem to have affected the kids. Son came too. He looks good. Trying not to ask too many questions...just enjoying our moments together.
If you have a facebook...check out the trip pics if you like. My FB name is Anna Michaelson-Cole.
Amy...my daughter lives in Omaha..so if you or your dad ever need anything while you're there...let me know. Also..I'm only an hour away on I-29.
Love you all
Annie
thanks for sharing your struggles. it truly helps me to know there are others out there working the program, but being real about it.
I SO need to hear about not repeating behaviors that dont work. In fact, it fits into one of my favorite quotes..."The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
In Orlando. For the most part it is a great trip. Hubby is drinking...but so far it doesn't seem to have affected the kids. Son came too. He looks good. Trying not to ask too many questions...just enjoying our moments together.
If you have a facebook...check out the trip pics if you like. My FB name is Anna Michaelson-Cole.
Amy...my daughter lives in Omaha..so if you or your dad ever need anything while you're there...let me know. Also..I'm only an hour away on I-29.
Love you all
Annie
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Accepting Change
One day, my mother and I were working together in the garden. We were transplanting some plant for the third time. Grown from seed in a small container, the plants had been transferred to a larger container; then transplanted into the garden. Now, because I was moving, we were transplanting them again.
Inexperienced as a gardener, I turned to my green-thumbed mother. "Isn't this bad for them?" I asked, as we dug them up and shook the dirt from their roots. "Won't it hurt these plants, being uprooted and transplanted so many times?"
"Oh, no," my mother replied. "Transplanting doesn't hurt them. In fact, it's good for the ones that survive. That's how their roots grow strong. Their roots will grow deep, and they'll make strong plants."
Often, I've felt like those small plants - uprooted and turned upside down. Sometimes, I've endured the change willingly, sometimes reluctantly, but usually my reaction has been a combination.
Won't this be hard on me? I ask. Wouldn't it be better if things remained the same? That's when I remember my mother's words: That's how the roots grow deep and strong.
Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Accepting Change
One day, my mother and I were working together in the garden. We were transplanting some plant for the third time. Grown from seed in a small container, the plants had been transferred to a larger container; then transplanted into the garden. Now, because I was moving, we were transplanting them again.
Inexperienced as a gardener, I turned to my green-thumbed mother. "Isn't this bad for them?" I asked, as we dug them up and shook the dirt from their roots. "Won't it hurt these plants, being uprooted and transplanted so many times?"
"Oh, no," my mother replied. "Transplanting doesn't hurt them. In fact, it's good for the ones that survive. That's how their roots grow strong. Their roots will grow deep, and they'll make strong plants."
Often, I've felt like those small plants - uprooted and turned upside down. Sometimes, I've endured the change willingly, sometimes reluctantly, but usually my reaction has been a combination.
Won't this be hard on me? I ask. Wouldn't it be better if things remained the same? That's when I remember my mother's words: That's how the roots grow deep and strong.
Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Annie))) - glad you're having a good trip! I'll tuck away the knowledge of your daughter living there for the next time dad is out that way
I DID get 8 hours of sleep, but not the best QUALITY sleep. As I was driving the 1-1/2 hours to my 2nd store, dozed off, ON THE ROAD a coupe times and had to get off the next exit to get an energy drink. I know they're not the answer, but it was the best option at the time.
I talked to dad, told him what's going on. He talked to g'ma (I felt bad, wanting to come home and sleep) and she said "go get some sleep...just being here and AROUND you is wonderful!.
So, Elvis and I ate chicken'n'dumplings that stepmom made, I'm making a quick run through SR, then I'm going to sleep. I KNOW my body is telling me "enough!!" but it's tough when you CAN'T sleep, even when you want to. I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing. If not, will go back to see my dr.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I DID get 8 hours of sleep, but not the best QUALITY sleep. As I was driving the 1-1/2 hours to my 2nd store, dozed off, ON THE ROAD a coupe times and had to get off the next exit to get an energy drink. I know they're not the answer, but it was the best option at the time.
I talked to dad, told him what's going on. He talked to g'ma (I felt bad, wanting to come home and sleep) and she said "go get some sleep...just being here and AROUND you is wonderful!.
So, Elvis and I ate chicken'n'dumplings that stepmom made, I'm making a quick run through SR, then I'm going to sleep. I KNOW my body is telling me "enough!!" but it's tough when you CAN'T sleep, even when you want to. I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing. If not, will go back to see my dr.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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