Codependency and Beyond - Part 14
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Competition Between Martyrs
"Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son is an alcoholic, and that's different. That's worse!"
My pain is greater than yours!
What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and what tremendous martyrs we are. And we won't be happy until we do!
We don't need to prove our pain and suffering to anyone. We know we have been in pain. We know we have suffered. Most of us have been legitimately victimized. Many of us have had difficult, painful lessons to learn.
The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or have hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution with others.
If someone begins trying to prove to us how much he or she hurts, we can say simply, "It sounds like you've been hurt." Maybe all that person is looking for is validation of his or her pain.
If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we've been hurt or if we try to top someone else's pain, we may want to stop and figure out what's going on. Do we need to recognize how much we've hurt or are hurting?
There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency. The reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace, and fulfillment.
That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us, even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else's.
God, help me be grateful for all my lessons, even the ones that caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me learn what I need to learn, so I can stop the pain in my life. Help me focus on the goal of recovery, rather than the pain that motivated me into it.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Competition Between Martyrs
"Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son is an alcoholic, and that's different. That's worse!"
My pain is greater than yours!
What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and what tremendous martyrs we are. And we won't be happy until we do!
We don't need to prove our pain and suffering to anyone. We know we have been in pain. We know we have suffered. Most of us have been legitimately victimized. Many of us have had difficult, painful lessons to learn.
The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or have hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution with others.
If someone begins trying to prove to us how much he or she hurts, we can say simply, "It sounds like you've been hurt." Maybe all that person is looking for is validation of his or her pain.
If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we've been hurt or if we try to top someone else's pain, we may want to stop and figure out what's going on. Do we need to recognize how much we've hurt or are hurting?
There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency. The reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace, and fulfillment.
That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us, even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else's.
God, help me be grateful for all my lessons, even the ones that caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me learn what I need to learn, so I can stop the pain in my life. Help me focus on the goal of recovery, rather than the pain that motivated me into it.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Great reading. I fall in to this trap when people are talking about death and grieving, and "suggesting" how it should be dealt with. I always figure if they had to go through the death of someone they loved as much as I loved John, they would see things differently.
We all have our own paths.
I am looking for a new job. I feel like the time has come that I can stop "hiding" in the manual labor position I am in, and start looking for a caregiving/teaching job again. I love taking care of people. Tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles all day, so if someone wants to chuck up the reading, feel free. If not, it will go up tomorrow night.
I love you all =)
We all have our own paths.
I am looking for a new job. I feel like the time has come that I can stop "hiding" in the manual labor position I am in, and start looking for a caregiving/teaching job again. I love taking care of people. Tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles all day, so if someone wants to chuck up the reading, feel free. If not, it will go up tomorrow night.
I love you all =)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Annie)) I have been hoping and praying for things to be better in my marriage, sometimes it seems things are getting better, then something happens and I lose hope..one thing I know for sure I can't change my H, he needs to want to change and only the Higher Power can change him..I can only change myself...I am determined to be happy and enjoy life even though things are not like I would like them to be...
(((Lisa)) I can do the reading tomorrow...
(((Lisa)) I can do the reading tomorrow...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
June 16
FEELING GOOD
Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
--Beyond Codependency
There is a positive aspect to boundaries setting. We learn to listen to ourselves and identify what hurts us and what we don't like. But we also learn to identify what feels good.
When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so, we will enhance the quality of our life.
What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure? Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the morning? What's a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for?
What appeals to our emotional, spirtual, mental, and physical self? What actually feels good to us?
We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it!
Today, I will do for myself those little things that make life more pleasurable. I will not deny myself healthy treats.
June 16
FEELING GOOD
Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
--Beyond Codependency
There is a positive aspect to boundaries setting. We learn to listen to ourselves and identify what hurts us and what we don't like. But we also learn to identify what feels good.
When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so, we will enhance the quality of our life.
What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure? Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the morning? What's a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for?
What appeals to our emotional, spirtual, mental, and physical self? What actually feels good to us?
We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it!
Today, I will do for myself those little things that make life more pleasurable. I will not deny myself healthy treats.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Thursday, June 17, 2010
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surrender
Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surrender
Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I will try this again, I just did a post and ended up on another thread somehow..
(((Lisa)) Good for you, sound like your having fun and keeping good shape with the swimming.
Thanks for today's reading, I really needed this one, I have been dreading an event coming up this summer, not my granddaughter wedding...I don't want to go there, I want to avoid it, but I know avoiding it is the wrong thing for me to do..I have avoided things before and have regretted it...but I am afraid, so I have to surrender it all to my Higher Power and ask him to give me strength to do the right thing..so I can learn and grow from this...
(((Lisa)) Good for you, sound like your having fun and keeping good shape with the swimming.
Thanks for today's reading, I really needed this one, I have been dreading an event coming up this summer, not my granddaughter wedding...I don't want to go there, I want to avoid it, but I know avoiding it is the wrong thing for me to do..I have avoided things before and have regretted it...but I am afraid, so I have to surrender it all to my Higher Power and ask him to give me strength to do the right thing..so I can learn and grow from this...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lisa)) - The "water, water, water" sounds fantastic...especially the beach. I love the beach!
((SG)) - Sorry you've got something that you're dreading. Sending you prayers that you find acceptance.
I needed to read today's reading, too. I needed to be reminded that I'm where I am, doing what I'm doing for a reason. Things are just weird at work. Drawers have increasingly been short on cash in the last week, and that makes me nervous. The managers count our drawers, and at my last job, it was the managers who were stealing money
I also don't know if I'm not meeting MY expectations or THEIR expectations or a combination of both, but at least I realize it's an issue with expectations and I DO have tools to work on that
I caught my stepmom in my purse, again tonight. Her "reason" was ridiculous, and it's sad that she actually thinks I would believe her. Fortunately, she wouldn't have found anything as I learned, the LAST time and my meds are locked up. I simply said "do NOT go into my purse" and that was that. I am grateful for MY recovery, but no longer feel the need to try to push it on her. She simply doesn't want it.
I am in need of a break, and mine and Brit's concert is Sat.!! We are both so very excited. I think I will take Sunday off to clean my room and just relax...MAYBE take my last test on my nutrition course.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((SG)) - Sorry you've got something that you're dreading. Sending you prayers that you find acceptance.
I needed to read today's reading, too. I needed to be reminded that I'm where I am, doing what I'm doing for a reason. Things are just weird at work. Drawers have increasingly been short on cash in the last week, and that makes me nervous. The managers count our drawers, and at my last job, it was the managers who were stealing money
I also don't know if I'm not meeting MY expectations or THEIR expectations or a combination of both, but at least I realize it's an issue with expectations and I DO have tools to work on thatI caught my stepmom in my purse, again tonight. Her "reason" was ridiculous, and it's sad that she actually thinks I would believe her. Fortunately, she wouldn't have found anything as I learned, the LAST time and my meds are locked up. I simply said "do NOT go into my purse" and that was that. I am grateful for MY recovery, but no longer feel the need to try to push it on her. She simply doesn't want it.
I am in need of a break, and mine and Brit's concert is Sat.!! We are both so very excited. I think I will take Sunday off to clean my room and just relax...MAYBE take my last test on my nutrition course.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I am grateful for MY recovery, but no longer feel the need to try to push it on her. She simply doesn't want it.
Amy
Amy
I am really really busy these days, but in a wonderful sort of way. I am not worried about finding a new place as I am living in faith today, and know to trust in the plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
June 18
BEING VULNERABLE
Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections--not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.
Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we many have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.
We learn from our mistakes--and despite our mistakes, it is still a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.
Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.
June 18
BEING VULNERABLE
Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections--not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.
Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we many have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.
We learn from our mistakes--and despite our mistakes, it is still a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.
Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Amy)) Sorry about all that stuff at work, all you need to care about is that your doing the best you can..the rest is not your worry..
(((Lisa)) Thats too bad you might have to move again, sorry about that..you are handling it well though..
(((Lisa)) Thats too bad you might have to move again, sorry about that..you are handling it well though..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lisa)) - sorry you may have to move, but you have a great attitude about it.
((SG)) - MY drawer was short, last night, too, but I had counted it at the beginning of my shift and it was right. Either I made a mistake because I was rushing (trying to meet expectations) or...I don't know. Either way, I put in $11 to prevent getting written up and putting my job in jeopardy. I will slow down and be more careful. If they don't like it, oh well..NMP (not my problem) There's strength in numbers, and if EVERYONE is coming up short, then it's not just me.
I realized, after a good night's sleep, that this is a form of detachment!! I can step back, do what I need to do, and let go....wow, what a concept!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((SG)) - MY drawer was short, last night, too, but I had counted it at the beginning of my shift and it was right. Either I made a mistake because I was rushing (trying to meet expectations) or...I don't know. Either way, I put in $11 to prevent getting written up and putting my job in jeopardy. I will slow down and be more careful. If they don't like it, oh well..NMP (not my problem)
There's strength in numbers, and if EVERYONE is coming up short, then it's not just me.I realized, after a good night's sleep, that this is a form of detachment!! I can step back, do what I need to do, and let go....wow, what a concept!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
This is a TOUGH reading for me arg. Tonight is the "dressy" speaker meeting in town, all the ladies turn out in their high heels, the gents in collared shirts or suits. Not everyone dresses up, but most. I am in camouflage pants, a punk rock tshirt, and flip flops =)
When I try and dress pretty, or just feminine, I feel like such a fraud. . .and a toad. Bleh, more work always more work hahahah
Love you all!!
When I try and dress pretty, or just feminine, I feel like such a fraud. . .and a toad. Bleh, more work always more work hahahah
Love you all!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - I hear ya. At 48, I will stand out like a sore thumb at the hip-hop concert, tomorrow Last year, everyone asked Brit if I was her mom, and she quickly said "NO, she's my big SISTER!!!" She's always said I'm more of a sister than an aunt.
We had fun last year, we'll have fun this year...the heck with what anyone else thinks
Enjoy your meeting!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Last year, everyone asked Brit if I was her mom, and she quickly said "NO, she's my big SISTER!!!" She's always said I'm more of a sister than an aunt. We had fun last year, we'll have fun this year...the heck with what anyone else thinks
Enjoy your meeting!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Since I've been home, I've "washed that gray right out of my hair", cleaned out my purse, which contained everything but the kitchen sink (they look through our bags and scan them) and am considering whether to take a nap...might be a little too wired to go to sleep.
Had a good night at work, but had an interesting conversation. Someone said they think, with all the money that's been missing, that my new boss is on drugs?!?! The thought never crossed my mind, but when she pointed out some things, well...it's possible. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. Apparently money missing was a problem with the LAST manager, too...$200-$300 at a time. I put MY plan into action..slowed down, paid very close attention to cashing out customers and my drawer was 1 cent short. I think I'll just start keeping a record of when money is missing, whether it's mine or someone else's, to prove a pattern in case something comes up....CYA. Other than that, I'm not even going to THINK about McD's this weekend!!
As I was getting ready to get in the tub, I heard Elvis jump in there (hadn't run the water, yet)...he'd found a bug and "saved me". It was funny to see him act like a kitten..pouncing, chasing, attacking and being the hero when he killed it.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
, cleaned out my purse, which contained everything but the kitchen sink (they look through our bags and scan them) and am considering whether to take a nap...might be a little too wired to go to sleep.Had a good night at work, but had an interesting conversation. Someone said they think, with all the money that's been missing, that my new boss is on drugs?!?! The thought never crossed my mind, but when she pointed out some things, well...it's possible. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. Apparently money missing was a problem with the LAST manager, too...$200-$300 at a time. I put MY plan into action..slowed down, paid very close attention to cashing out customers and my drawer was 1 cent short. I think I'll just start keeping a record of when money is missing, whether it's mine or someone else's, to prove a pattern in case something comes up....CYA. Other than that, I'm not even going to THINK about McD's this weekend!!
As I was getting ready to get in the tub, I heard Elvis jump in there (hadn't run the water, yet)...he'd found a bug and "saved me". It was funny to see him act like a kitten..pouncing, chasing, attacking and being the hero when he killed it.
I hope everyone has a great day!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
June 19
MAKE LIFE EASIER
Life doesn't have to be hard.
Yes, there are times we need to endure, struggle through, and rely on our survival skills. But we don't have to make life, growth, recovery, change, or our day-to-day affairs that hard all the time.
Have life be that hard is a remnant of our martyrdom, a leftover from old ways of thinging, feeling, and believing. We are worthy, even when life isn't that hard. Our value and worth are not detemined by how hard we struggle.
If we're making it that hard, we may be making it harder than it needs to be, said one woman. Learn to let things happen easily and naturally. Learn to let events, and our participation in them, fall into place. It can be easy now. Easier than it has been. We can go with the flow, take the world off our shoulders, and let our Higher Power ease us into where we need to be.
Today, I will stop struggling so hard. I will let go of my belief that life and recovery have to be hard I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace. And sometimes, it can actually be fun..
June 19
MAKE LIFE EASIER
Life doesn't have to be hard.
Yes, there are times we need to endure, struggle through, and rely on our survival skills. But we don't have to make life, growth, recovery, change, or our day-to-day affairs that hard all the time.
Have life be that hard is a remnant of our martyrdom, a leftover from old ways of thinging, feeling, and believing. We are worthy, even when life isn't that hard. Our value and worth are not detemined by how hard we struggle.
If we're making it that hard, we may be making it harder than it needs to be, said one woman. Learn to let things happen easily and naturally. Learn to let events, and our participation in them, fall into place. It can be easy now. Easier than it has been. We can go with the flow, take the world off our shoulders, and let our Higher Power ease us into where we need to be.
Today, I will stop struggling so hard. I will let go of my belief that life and recovery have to be hard I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace. And sometimes, it can actually be fun..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((amy and lisa))) Have a blast at your upcoming events. Like today's reading says...let's have some fun.
I ended up not having enough time to file this week...but some pretty tell tale signs that husband has an outside hunny. I have good peacea about it all.
right now...on my way to a conference with one of my students and having a nice, relaxing time.
Bought daughter her wedding dress yesterday. I'll post pics when I have a chance.
Her ex has threatened her online..so we are looking into hiring security for her wedding. He is an unbalanced marine who has "kept in touch" with daughter over the last 6 years they have been broken up. He's married..but..yeah...it's weird. Always something.
Prayers are always appreciated.
Love you all.
annie
I ended up not having enough time to file this week...but some pretty tell tale signs that husband has an outside hunny. I have good peacea about it all.
right now...on my way to a conference with one of my students and having a nice, relaxing time.
Bought daughter her wedding dress yesterday. I'll post pics when I have a chance.
Her ex has threatened her online..so we are looking into hiring security for her wedding. He is an unbalanced marine who has "kept in touch" with daughter over the last 6 years they have been broken up. He's married..but..yeah...it's weird. Always something.
Prayers are always appreciated.
Love you all.
annie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: portland, or
Posts: 33
I had a situation all day I made it sooo hard. I have been wanting to go this aa/alanon speaker meeting tonight for a few weeks now. And I just blew it off. It seems if I am not accountable to another human being,(sponsor) I just talk myself out of it. All day talking to myself, "wait till later to actually commit to going", see how I feel in 5 hours??? ughhhhh Not sure yet how to make it easier. I did pray but as I am writing this it was my self will in charge. Happy I shared here and thanks to all for listening. Hoping and praying I can learn I am worthy.
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