Codependency and Beyond - Part 14
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy.
We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.
Honesty and directness is the only policy.
I try to be very direct and neat in my communication now and I find it most rewarding, but speaking of boundaries, one of the areas that I am working on is where I can see that the other person isn't aware or isn't ready or willing to take responsibility for their 'stuff' and how it is impacting on me; people who are subtle in their controlling behavior while portraying a more innocence exterior,... and unless I have been quick enough to catch it and respond in a discreet and kind way, I find myself having to withdraw because things begin to get messy....and I do not like having to do that...I need to be more on top of that.....and its the people who are really subtle that trip me up....
Amy, my response to your post last night was short as I was on my way to bed, but I also wanted to say that I appreciate how difficult and complicated your situation with your family is and I know you are working through some big stuff..
Your realization of 'how' dependent you are on your Dad was a big step..Being a codie and living in such a toxic and unsafe environment is extremely challenging and I know we all have our limits...
The dealbreaker for me has to be, that if I cannot work my recovery effectively, I need to remove myself from the situation...for me, my recovery must come first as it is what keeps me safe and allows me to be strong, negotiate my world and have peace...without it, I live in pain and chaos..if I don't work it, I find that I become impacted by the situation to such an extent that I lose all awareness of where I am at and then I am in big trouble, especially if I am dealing with Family of Origin stuff......yikes...
I 'totally' understand what you mean when you say, "I want to be numb but I don't want to use" ! For me that is my cue that, I am not dealing with something; my slippery slope...seriously...lol...I am a recovered pot head!
As a mom, I feel for you where Brit is concerned.....you have practically been her mom...but I know you know where it all is and what she needs to do...it just hurts to let them go, eh...
(((Gyps)))
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Lisa, you have become stronger and better than you have ever been, and I know you will be able to get through tomorrow. Please know that each of us here will be with you in spirit and holding your hand.
Amy, as Grateful said, your situation is very difficult and I hope that you will be able to find the freedom that you need.
Amy, as Grateful said, your situation is very difficult and I hope that you will be able to find the freedom that you need.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I, so, appreciate each and every one of you. This thread has been one of my saving graces, lately.
Things are pretty calm, at home, for now. Brit is pretty much ignoring everyone. Stepmom is trying to get her to get her separation notice from work, and she says her phone is dying...yeah right. I mentioned the fact that wherever she is, I'm sure there is another phone, then let it go. Stepmom needs the paperwork for DFACS. I'll let them deal with it. Stepmom and I are still getting along very well, though I keep my guard up. Dad and I have spoken, but not much.
Work went pretty good. I've decided that, as far as my store owner goes, nothing will every be good enough, but that's pretty standard as far as I've seen. My mgr told me "let it roll off your back, you do a good job" and I did just that. I feel like I've finally got my "groove on" in the areas I work. I'd put some new music on my phone, so we played it, and were singing and dancing while we worked
Even the customers thought it was pretty cool! The mgr I used to have problems with said she has a meeting with the store owner in the morning, and she's going to mention that she often sees me working, others standing around and it seems like everyone thinks "Amy will do it". Hmmm, this is the same thing I told the store owner that the store mgr says, last week. It really feels nice to know that people are noticing I work hard. I also had my mgr tell me I was pretty, tonight. I was SHOCKED. All I see is wrinkles and missing teeth. To tell you the truth, I'm STILL in shock.
On my way home, my battery light came on, as well as the "check charging system" alert. I REALLY don't need car trouble right now. I said "God, PLEASE don't let it be anything major" and the lights went out? I thought it was divine intervention, but the lights came back on
I will go by the auto parts store, tomorrow (my mechanic is closed on weekends) and ask dad if I can carry his charger with me, so I, hopefully, won't get stuck with a dead car. So much for being independent.
I feel more grounded in my recovery. I don't know why, but I got a really good night of sleep, last night, and I think that helped. I'm not sleepy, yet, and it's 4a.m, so not sure about tomorrow, but hoping I can get to sleep soon. I think I've gotten back to acceptance of what I can and can't control. I did get my transcript requests sent off today, so that's a step forward to getting into school. I also got confirmation that my info was received at Astra Zeneca for my sleep med, and they are pushing it through, so I will hopefully start recieving y sleep meds within 2 weeks. It's all baby steps, but it is progress.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Things are pretty calm, at home, for now. Brit is pretty much ignoring everyone. Stepmom is trying to get her to get her separation notice from work, and she says her phone is dying...yeah right. I mentioned the fact that wherever she is, I'm sure there is another phone, then let it go. Stepmom needs the paperwork for DFACS. I'll let them deal with it. Stepmom and I are still getting along very well, though I keep my guard up. Dad and I have spoken, but not much.
Work went pretty good. I've decided that, as far as my store owner goes, nothing will every be good enough, but that's pretty standard as far as I've seen. My mgr told me "let it roll off your back, you do a good job" and I did just that. I feel like I've finally got my "groove on" in the areas I work. I'd put some new music on my phone, so we played it, and were singing and dancing while we worked
Even the customers thought it was pretty cool! The mgr I used to have problems with said she has a meeting with the store owner in the morning, and she's going to mention that she often sees me working, others standing around and it seems like everyone thinks "Amy will do it". Hmmm, this is the same thing I told the store owner that the store mgr says, last week. It really feels nice to know that people are noticing I work hard. I also had my mgr tell me I was pretty, tonight. I was SHOCKED. All I see is wrinkles and missing teeth. To tell you the truth, I'm STILL in shock.On my way home, my battery light came on, as well as the "check charging system" alert. I REALLY don't need car trouble right now. I said "God, PLEASE don't let it be anything major" and the lights went out? I thought it was divine intervention, but the lights came back on
I will go by the auto parts store, tomorrow (my mechanic is closed on weekends) and ask dad if I can carry his charger with me, so I, hopefully, won't get stuck with a dead car. So much for being independent.I feel more grounded in my recovery. I don't know why, but I got a really good night of sleep, last night, and I think that helped. I'm not sleepy, yet, and it's 4a.m, so not sure about tomorrow, but hoping I can get to sleep soon. I think I've gotten back to acceptance of what I can and can't control. I did get my transcript requests sent off today, so that's a step forward to getting into school. I also got confirmation that my info was received at Astra Zeneca for my sleep med, and they are pushing it through, so I will hopefully start recieving y sleep meds within 2 weeks. It's all baby steps, but it is progress.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie Copyright-Hazeldon Foundation 1990
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Detaching in Relationships
When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.
We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.
As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.
We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.
Detachment means we care, about others and ourselves. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same.
It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.
Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I'm loving others, but I'm loving myself too.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Detaching in Relationships
When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.
We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.
As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.
We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.
Detachment means we care, about others and ourselves. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same.
It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.
Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I'm loving others, but I'm loving myself too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
This reading is really good for me. Detaching goes against my nature and upbringing. Mommy dearest spent most of her life locked up in the dining room smoking, eating, and doing crossword puzzles so she could be available at a moment's notice for anyone or thing that "needed" her.
I guess that would have been fine if that's what she really wanted to do...but she ended up a bitter old woman because no one never did enough to repay her for all her sacrifices. To mom...love means giving lavish gifts...with strings. No thank you note meant the person doesn't love her back. If she didn't get return dinner invitation...that person was an ungrateful wretch. It seems like such a confined, trapped way to live...and until recently I hadn't realized that it was the way I was living.
Came across a quote last night that kind of sums it up.
"Patterning your life around others' opinions is nothing more than slavery." - Lawana Blackwell
I don't wanna be a slave anymore !
Love you all....in freedom!
annie
I guess that would have been fine if that's what she really wanted to do...but she ended up a bitter old woman because no one never did enough to repay her for all her sacrifices. To mom...love means giving lavish gifts...with strings. No thank you note meant the person doesn't love her back. If she didn't get return dinner invitation...that person was an ungrateful wretch. It seems like such a confined, trapped way to live...and until recently I hadn't realized that it was the way I was living.
Came across a quote last night that kind of sums it up.
"Patterning your life around others' opinions is nothing more than slavery." - Lawana Blackwell
I don't wanna be a slave anymore !
Love you all....in freedom!
annie
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Hi ladies (and aunt d). forgive my punctuation or lack of, I am on a laptop and feel handicapped. The funeral went well. oldest son and his wife put together a nice slide show, he, the baby and I spoke, and my sister got up and said really good stuff about the ex and his relationship to my nephew. big turn out, standing room only. lots of nice things said after
the kids seem to be doing ok for the moment.
My next challenge is to decide what to do with the house. I am not sure if there is much equity, probably not. the mortgage is low though. there are 4 adults living here, one of which works. the house is in disrepair and filthy, and I now have 5 dogs. I have been very discouraged at work up in paradise, and they have offered to transfer me down here. . .
so, I dont know. in a perfect world I would like to see the people living here step up and pay bills, take care of the dogs, and I myself would lioke to stay at the beach and find a new job.
a better option for the moment may involve me moving back here for awhile, but if the people living here dont get with the new program, it may be more hassle than its worth.
I am going up to the coast today for some respite, I have til sept 10th off to figure things out. peace to you all
the kids seem to be doing ok for the moment.
My next challenge is to decide what to do with the house. I am not sure if there is much equity, probably not. the mortgage is low though. there are 4 adults living here, one of which works. the house is in disrepair and filthy, and I now have 5 dogs. I have been very discouraged at work up in paradise, and they have offered to transfer me down here. . .
so, I dont know. in a perfect world I would like to see the people living here step up and pay bills, take care of the dogs, and I myself would lioke to stay at the beach and find a new job.
a better option for the moment may involve me moving back here for awhile, but if the people living here dont get with the new program, it may be more hassle than its worth.
I am going up to the coast today for some respite, I have til sept 10th off to figure things out. peace to you all
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Annie))) - thanks for posting the reading. It's a good one, and I really like the quote, too.
(((Lisa))) - I had wondered about the dogs, the house, too, but mostly the furbabies. I'm glad the funeral went well, and that you are going to the beach for some "me" time. Much love to you, sweetie.
Dad checked my car out and it looks like my alternator belt is bad. I'll be taking stepmom's car to work tonight and can't drive mine until I can get it into a mechanic. Dad is taking it to the auto parts store (with the charger), as it is dead, to have them scan it. The brake light has come back on, again, too I drive the heck out of my car, and I can't expect it not to need repairs. Not the best timing, but grateful I'm not maxed out on the credit cards
I realized, last night, that I am actually pretty content at work, and that is a pretty big deal. I would still rather be somewhere ELSE, but it shows progress and I think it means I've put my recovery tools to work. I hope so.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Lisa))) - I had wondered about the dogs, the house, too, but mostly the furbabies. I'm glad the funeral went well, and that you are going to the beach for some "me" time. Much love to you, sweetie.
Dad checked my car out and it looks like my alternator belt is bad. I'll be taking stepmom's car to work tonight and can't drive mine until I can get it into a mechanic. Dad is taking it to the auto parts store (with the charger), as it is dead, to have them scan it. The brake light has come back on, again, too
I drive the heck out of my car, and I can't expect it not to need repairs. Not the best timing, but grateful I'm not maxed out on the credit cardsI realized, last night, that I am actually pretty content at work, and that is a pretty big deal. I would still rather be somewhere ELSE, but it shows progress and I think it means I've put my recovery tools to work. I hope so.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Oh Annie, I know what you mean about the gifts with strings. I went through that with my mother, and I got to the point where I barely acknowledged anything she gave me. I couldn't pay the price.
Lisa, I am glad that you got through the funeral alright. It sounds like a big decision you have to make and it's good that you're not stressed about it. The answers will come.
Amy, prayers for your car! I'm glad you're feeling better about work.
.
I have mentioned that son, daughter-in-law and Jade live about 3,000 miles away. For the most part I am okay with that, because of course, it's their lives and they are happy. But, after the recent visit, the distance seems enormous. It's very expensive to travel that far and we have decided we can do it once a year. Their place is too small for us to stay in, so we stay in a B & B, which is expensive. We can't really stay more than a week because of the 3 cats. I do have a reliable cat-sitter, but they are demanding. So...I am working on finding peace in that area of my life, which again returns to 'letting go'. If only it was as easy as that.
Lisa, I am glad that you got through the funeral alright. It sounds like a big decision you have to make and it's good that you're not stressed about it. The answers will come.
Amy, prayers for your car! I'm glad you're feeling better about work.
.
I have mentioned that son, daughter-in-law and Jade live about 3,000 miles away. For the most part I am okay with that, because of course, it's their lives and they are happy. But, after the recent visit, the distance seems enormous. It's very expensive to travel that far and we have decided we can do it once a year. Their place is too small for us to stay in, so we stay in a B & B, which is expensive. We can't really stay more than a week because of the 3 cats. I do have a reliable cat-sitter, but they are demanding. So...I am working on finding peace in that area of my life, which again returns to 'letting go'. If only it was as easy as that.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Oh, Anna....my heart aches a little for you 
yes, nothing to be done but the letting go and time to ease your heart but I wish for more for you...in time, who knows what the future could bring?
(((Amy))) as I was looking back to catch up on posts I reread the last one I wrote to you, I realized my paragraph on 'getting numb' may have given the wrong impression...I was in a hurry and multitasking, not something I do when I post and I didn't provide enough information about my share
your comment registered with me and I should have added that I have just had a recent experience, because of all the pain I have been having( recently found out that I need to get my hips done) I have had to take codeine....hate the stuff, but I can fall in love with the buzz! and just this week had to choose stop taking it no matter how in pain I was...back to the drawing board...
so I totally understood what 'you' meant, but was responding to that and then some!
for me with the codeine experience..I can't let myself want the buzz/numbness because it can make me not want to deal; with staying away from liking the buzz...eek! made me a little nervous...not an option!...
Amy, I am so glad things are going so well for you at work...that is wonderful
sending good healthy car thoughts your way!
((Gyps))) sounds like the funeral was a wonderful tribute to him....how nice for you and everyone
I am really glad you have taken yourself to the ocean...you have such a great attitude, Gyps and I agree with Anna,,,the answers will come.
((Annie))) thank you for doing the reading...anytime you like, eh
I love the quote..!
yes, nothing to be done but the letting go and time to ease your heart but I wish for more for you...in time, who knows what the future could bring? (((Amy))) as I was looking back to catch up on posts I reread the last one I wrote to you, I realized my paragraph on 'getting numb' may have given the wrong impression
...I was in a hurry and multitasking, not something I do when I post and I didn't provide enough information about my shareyour comment registered with me and I should have added that I have just had a recent experience, because of all the pain I have been having( recently found out that I need to get my hips done) I have had to take codeine....hate the stuff, but I can fall in love with the buzz! and just this week had to choose stop taking it no matter how in pain I was...back to the drawing board...
so I totally understood what 'you' meant, but was responding to that and then some!
for me with the codeine experience..I can't let myself want the buzz/numbness because it can make me not want to deal; with staying away from liking the buzz...eek! made me a little nervous...not an option!...
Amy, I am so glad things are going so well for you at work...that is wonderful
sending good healthy car thoughts your way!
((Gyps))) sounds like the funeral was a wonderful tribute to him....how nice for you and everyone
I am really glad you have taken yourself to the ocean...you have such a great attitude, Gyps and I agree with Anna,,,the answers will come.
((Annie))) thank you for doing the reading...anytime you like, eh
I love the quote..!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I spent a long time thinking about the previous reading about honesty and directness
I am very upfront and honest with sweetie It is easy and natural between us, I think. Both of us are so icked out on the family games....we couldn't stand anymore of that! LOL
Still thinking about the family of origon stuff.
Also...I HAVE to detach from the same family stuff; it would make me crazy (and has) if I didn't.............but that is also from a distance and sometimes I wonder if there is really love there.
still thinking....also lots to do, tired of one finger typing and have a great book I am in the middle of.
hugs!
I am very upfront and honest with sweetie It is easy and natural between us, I think. Both of us are so icked out on the family games....we couldn't stand anymore of that! LOL
Still thinking about the family of origon stuff.
Also...I HAVE to detach from the same family stuff; it would make me crazy (and has) if I didn't.............but that is also from a distance and sometimes I wonder if there is really love there.
still thinking....also lots to do, tired of one finger typing and have a great book I am in the middle of.
hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Melodie Beatty Copyright- Hazelden
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Boy, is today's reading on time!!! As dad was yelling at me today, saying "I always ask you to clean out your car and you never do!!" I said "and I always ask you to get help with your anger issues, and you never do", I was told "I have anger issues because you don't clean out your car!!". Oh really?
He had been working on my car, although all he could do was put it on the charger and see if it would hold a charge. It won't. Off to the mechanic tomorrow. My favorite mechanic doesn't take credit cards, so I was going to go to my OTHER mechanic, but dad has said he will write a check, so I'm going to Dave. He's my buddy, the one I often stop by just to get/give a hug, the big bundle of sunshine who's faith is absolutely infectious.
The dog, who is usually stuck-like-glue to my dad, has suddenly wanted to stay in MY room, on MY bed, which she's never done. Stepmom asked "do you think my DOG has PTSD?" I told her I have no doubt that she may have been traumatized by dad's yelling, recently, and sees my room, with the one door shut, the other door pulled to (so the furbabies can still get in/out) as a safe haven. Even if I leave the room, she stays on the bed. Dad's tried to come and call her out, she won't go.
Dad DID apologize for yelling at me this morning, says he feels like I have no pride, with my car always in a mess (and most often, my room). I told him I DO have self-esteem issues, and yelling at me doesn't help, and then we moved on. I'm still on guard, but realize that I do have a part in the arguments...if I don't fight back, it will often end. No, I don't deserve to be yelled at, but this morning's fight ended quickly because I stayed calm, said what I had to say and walked away.
I have thought about an "escape plan" and what I need. It's not much. He's on the road, so much, that I can come back and get what I need, and I truly think I would just need to stay away one or 2 nights and it would get the point across. I'm praying it doesn't GET to that point, but it's best to be prepared.
I stayed late, at work, to help out, and was told, over and over, how much I was appreciated, mostly by the mgr I used to have problems with She said she couldn't WAIT to tell the store owner how much I've improved and how often I stay to help her out! I can't tell you how good that feels, especially since she's one of the store owner's "favorites". I will have been there 5 months, in 2 days, so that's not really a long time, and one of the other mgr's has been backing me up, as I tell the new teeny-boppers in what to do, as they prefer to stand around. It's sort of like finding the ground underneath my feet, again, if that makes any sense.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He had been working on my car, although all he could do was put it on the charger and see if it would hold a charge. It won't. Off to the mechanic tomorrow. My favorite mechanic doesn't take credit cards, so I was going to go to my OTHER mechanic, but dad has said he will write a check, so I'm going to Dave. He's my buddy, the one I often stop by just to get/give a hug, the big bundle of sunshine who's faith is absolutely infectious.
The dog, who is usually stuck-like-glue to my dad, has suddenly wanted to stay in MY room, on MY bed, which she's never done. Stepmom asked "do you think my DOG has PTSD?" I told her I have no doubt that she may have been traumatized by dad's yelling, recently, and sees my room, with the one door shut, the other door pulled to (so the furbabies can still get in/out) as a safe haven. Even if I leave the room, she stays on the bed. Dad's tried to come and call her out, she won't go.
Dad DID apologize for yelling at me this morning, says he feels like I have no pride, with my car always in a mess (and most often, my room). I told him I DO have self-esteem issues, and yelling at me doesn't help, and then we moved on. I'm still on guard, but realize that I do have a part in the arguments...if I don't fight back, it will often end. No, I don't deserve to be yelled at, but this morning's fight ended quickly because I stayed calm, said what I had to say and walked away.
I have thought about an "escape plan" and what I need. It's not much. He's on the road, so much, that I can come back and get what I need, and I truly think I would just need to stay away one or 2 nights and it would get the point across. I'm praying it doesn't GET to that point, but it's best to be prepared.
I stayed late, at work, to help out, and was told, over and over, how much I was appreciated, mostly by the mgr I used to have problems with
She said she couldn't WAIT to tell the store owner how much I've improved and how often I stay to help her out! I can't tell you how good that feels, especially since she's one of the store owner's "favorites". I will have been there 5 months, in 2 days, so that's not really a long time, and one of the other mgr's has been backing me up, as I tell the new teeny-boppers in what to do, as they prefer to stand around. It's sort of like finding the ground underneath my feet, again, if that makes any sense.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
SCREAM!
My MAIN family rule my whole life (including now) is : don't upset your mother.
now it is also don't upset your sister, don't upset your man etc....really it is don't upset anyone.
(implied that I am always THE PROBLEM)
OMG...Amy, I can hear that whole "taking pride " speech, I have heard it often enough myself.
I consider it "shaming"
I didn't want to think about this reading today!
My MAIN family rule my whole life (including now) is : don't upset your mother.
now it is also don't upset your sister, don't upset your man etc....really it is don't upset anyone.
(implied that I am always THE PROBLEM)
OMG...Amy, I can hear that whole "taking pride " speech, I have heard it often enough myself.
I consider it "shaming"
I didn't want to think about this reading today!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Amy))), I am SO glad you are finding some room for you...in relationship to your interactions with you Dad...good*for*you...
Detachment has been one of the greatest gifts in my life...oh my goodness...it has literally changed my whole life and truly has shown me the path to peace and freedom....
My mother was awfully good at making us feel responsible for her suffering; she was a martyred codependent and I learned early, how to be invisible and put myself last, among other things.
((Annie)) thank you for doing today's reading
Detachment has been one of the greatest gifts in my life...oh my goodness...it has literally changed my whole life and truly has shown me the path to peace and freedom....
My mother was awfully good at making us feel responsible for her suffering; she was a martyred codependent and I learned early, how to be invisible and put myself last, among other things.
((Annie)) thank you for doing today's reading
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Self-Care
August 23
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
- Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy onto ourselves and our responsibilities is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work or daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self-care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
Self-Care
August 23
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.
- Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy onto ourselves and our responsibilities is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do?
What would demonstrate love and responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I've been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work or daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self-care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Amy, I'm sorry that thingsare getting more stressful at home. I like the idea of your 'escape plan' and I hope that you can manage to stick to your boundaries within your Dad's home, until you can escape.
Grateful, my detachment from family members wobbles from time to time, so I hope you continue to give us tips on how you make it work for you.
(((Live))) Are you still planning to move?
Grateful, my detachment from family members wobbles from time to time, so I hope you continue to give us tips on how you make it work for you.
(((Live))) Are you still planning to move?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
There was a time when I only wanted to be alone, hidden away from the conflict, and then as I grew, I did not want to be alone with myself at all...and as I reached my early twenties, I 'believed' I needed to be taken care of...
When I reached my late twenties I realized, the hard way, that I needed to 'accept' that I needed to take care of myself...and so the journey began in earnest.
I am so thankful for my recovery, so grateful to be 'intact', fully functioning, and whole, albeit a little wrinkly
...perfectly capable of taking care of me and happy to do it
Will do, Anna, mine does too, lol.. .. my one really big frontline boundary though, is removing myself the minute their behavior becomes unhealthy, after a cursory refusal to accept that behavior, no apologies...leave the room, the building etc...then I have some space to examine everything including my role before I choose to reconnect...because with my family member, I can get pulled in quickly if I am not on guard....hopefully, with time, that will change. This boundary has been helpful in signalling to them that on my end, things have changed...and it has been a helpful cue to them...
When I reached my late twenties I realized, the hard way, that I needed to 'accept' that I needed to take care of myself...and so the journey began in earnest.
I am so thankful for my recovery, so grateful to be 'intact', fully functioning, and whole, albeit a little wrinkly
...perfectly capable of taking care of me and happy to do itWill do, Anna, mine does too, lol.. .. my one really big frontline boundary though, is removing myself the minute their behavior becomes unhealthy, after a cursory refusal to accept that behavior, no apologies...leave the room, the building etc...then I have some space to examine everything including my role before I choose to reconnect...because with my family member, I can get pulled in quickly if I am not on guard....hopefully, with time, that will change. This boundary has been helpful in signalling to them that on my end, things have changed...and it has been a helpful cue to them...
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I hope you don't mind if I add a few words about detachment.
My dad has a pretty much "live and let live" attitude.
A bunch of us were together and having a discussion and people were talking about freedoms and I popped inthat I also had the freedoms to make my own mistakes.
Dad chuckled....that I thought to add this. He and I know that it is a valid point.
So, to me detachment is very much about freedom...mine and other people's.
My dad has a pretty much "live and let live" attitude.
A bunch of us were together and having a discussion and people were talking about freedoms and I popped inthat I also had the freedoms to make my own mistakes.
Dad chuckled....that I thought to add this. He and I know that it is a valid point.
So, to me detachment is very much about freedom...mine and other people's.
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