Dee74

congratulations Norther

D

Chavo

Heyhey,

Day 8 is where I am . . . and it's all in my head lol. I'm working hard, going outside a lot, taking long walks even though it is super hot : ) Sleep is pretty sweaty and not cool but my appetite is amazing. I've had tacos, pizza and garlic noodles today. Yum

Cheers and good luck every other May person!
-Chavo

Draciack

Chavo, Welcome to the MayFlowers.

Eight days is a fantastic start. Sleep can be difficult for awhile but I read last night (while up at 3 AM actually) that insomnia/sleep disturbances in early sobriety are symptoms of the brain healing itself. So that's cool.

Glad you're here.

porkchopped

Morning you bunch of blossoming May Flowers!!!!!!!! ok, I MAY have had too much coffee this morning!!!

Thanks art and drac for the support. It's all good. I can see I was being a baby - but it really helped just to get it out there.

Chavo - welcome! It will be comforting to know that someone is always hotter than I am (haha) - I cannot stand the heat - oh, or bitter cold. I should probably move to San Fran STAT.

Drac - good call on the insomnia glass half full (irony of reading that at 3AM is super :P)

Wishing you success in all your sober ventures today!

<- yeah, something like that...lol

traderjane

Hi everyone! I'm back...

Day 3 here. Looks like I'm not going to officially be a "May Flower" but hopefully a June Bug. I woke up on June 1st and said "That's it." I'm not drinking in June. And I'm taking it ODAAT.

My problem is, again, that I don't 100% believe that I'm an alcoholic. I guess deep down I do, but the definition is so murky and confusing that I'm not sure I am one. I do know that alcohol is destructive to me and that I'm happier not drinking, so that *should* be enough for me to stop. It hasn't been, but maybe now? Maybe I've had enough? I haven't hit a really low bottom, but the idea of drinking myself into a lower bottom REALLY doesn't appeal to me. I feel like I'm a borderline case for alcoholism, and perhaps that's a dangerous place to be.

I drank on every night over the holiday weekend - Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. Yes. On 3 of the 5 nights, I drank moderately.

One night I went out with a girl friend. We had dinner together and then saw a movie. At dinner we each ordered a glass of wine. In fact, she had two glasses and I had only one. I was fine with it. It's situations like this where I don't feel like an alcoholic. Isn't the definition of an alcoholic someone who can't stop drinking once they start? Then when I talk to people about this, they sometimes say, "There are all types of alcoholics." I guess I fall into the "another type" category, which makes things even more confusing to me.

A second night of the weekend, I went to a party. I had one plastic cup of champagne, and then a very small amount of white wine. I then switched to diet coke. I had no buzz and was fine to drive. Again, totally normal drinking.

A third night, I was home and wanted red wine with my pizza. So I got a half bottle only, and drank the whole thing. That was more "controlled" drinking rather than true moderation. I did not have a hangover the next day, but I slept really badly and had bad dreams. Was it worth it? NO.

The other two nights were the bad nights. I drank nearly a full bottle of Chardonnay, at home, on each of those nights. That is too much alcohol for me. I am sort of beyond the point where I do stupid things when I drink, so I just kept kind of a low profile. I never drive when I drink like this, thankfully (I have in the past, but don't anymore) and just cringe when I read stories of people drinking and driving on here. Not cool at all!

After both times drinking the full bottle, my sleep was really disrupted. I got night sweats and anxiety, started feeling scared and praying to God (even though I'm not religious) for help getting out of my addiction. Was it worth it -- a resounding NO!!! Also, when I drink, I get pain on either side of my lower abdomen. It's scaring me and I know it's so so unhealthy. It goes away a day or so after I stop drinking. What does that tell you? Duh!

So on Tuesday I decided that was enough. By mid day my hangover was gone. I don't have extended periods of withdrawal like many people on here, not sure why. Slept like a rock on Tuesday night and made a commitment to doing this one day at a time, not looking too far into the future, just concentrating on NOT DRINKING TODAY AND TODAY ONLY.

I am happier now. Day 3 and I already feel much more like myself and like I want to be.

The good news for me is that my Mom and Dad, who currently live 8 hours away from me, are moving to be near me in mid-July (if all goes well). I cannot wait. I am so happy. They are a positive influence for me and will help to keep me away from alcohol. I never drink when I'm with them (they have witnessed me drunk on a couple of occasions and I'm so embarrassed). And they can be of some help with my 3 kids and my dog when I need help. They will be living right down the street from me.

Oh, and I also have stopped all "dating" activity I was doing. That is a trigger for me to drink. I don't need it right now. I need to focus on me, my health and getting well.

Happy June to all!!!!

RGO

Welcome CHAVO! ....I'm in Texas too.... and yes, it's super hot!


Hey Draciack, I glad you mentioned the sleeping problem is a symptom of brain healing. So far, sleeping is the main problem I'm having since I quit. Thanks!

Good morning PorkChopped! ....I love coffee, but because of the sleeping problems, I can only drink ONE cup in the morning... then I switch to green tea!


So, I went to a meditation class last night. Zen Sitting. It was my first time and I found it very interesting. The main idea is to learn how to control your body and mind. They practice very healthy habits, and are very positive people. I'm planning to keep going. I think it will help to build a stronger willpower.

A question. Have any of you visited a drug and alcohol counselor or Addition Psychiatry?
I have an appointment to see one next week, but I'm having second thoughts. I made the appointment in a moment that I was feeling weak and scared of relapsing, but it's expensive and I'm not sure it's going to help. Any ideas?


Have a great day everyone!

Norther

I see a therapist every week. I regard this as working in parallel with AA. If I had to give up one, it would be the therapist. Again, though, I see no conflict between the two (nor did Bill W, by the way).

porkchopped

RGO - green tea - probably would be the best for me as well!! That is really interesting about the Zen Sitting. Please keep posting on that - the thought of being still with myself is um... difficult for me to imagine to say the least! As for counseling, I am a huge fan of therapy. Hope that it is a good fit, I have had better and worstest (new word) experiences with certain individuals. I think it is important to connect with a therapist that helps you determine your goals (if you are unsure) and then helps you take the necessary steps to meet them. Doesn't mean they have to be your friend or a laugh a minute - but helpful, if that makes sense

TJ!! I am happy that you posted! Whether you identify yourself as an alcoholic or not is totally up to you. I *think* I can safely say that only a person with an alcohol problem drinks to further determine that they don't have a problem. But that is just my opinion.

It is also my humble opinion that once a May flower always a May Flower. We are here to support each other! I do hope that you continue posting here and that we can offer any assistance in helping you do it one day at a time. I am really happy that you are back!

Hugs to all!!

Draciack

TraderJane, good to hear from you again. It's up to you to decide if you're an alcoholic or not but here are some tools that helped me make the decision: alcoholism screening tests available online, an in-person screening test with a counselor at a rehab facility, and a long, long look at my drinking career from beginning to end. I don't like to push AA but Step 1 (being powerless over alcohol...) really marked the first major step in my sobriety. I couldn't deny being an alcoholic; the evidence was just overwhelming. But everyone has to make that decision for themselves. Of course, it's doubtful normal drinkers lay awake at 3 AM wondering if they are alcoholics or, like Porkchopped said, drink to determine if they are. One more note: there were times when I didn't drink much either. The problem was, I could never tell when I picked up that first glass if I would have two drinks or 12. (Btw, alcoholic is just a label. I danced between problem drinker and alcoholic all the time, and as I did I kept on drinking and acting the fool.) Glad you're back with us I always enjoy reading your posts.

Have a good morning, fellow MayFlowers.

Norther

Oh, I just finished step 4 this morning. Like quitting drinking, it is much scarier in prospect than it is as an experience. I feel a little more free this morning than I did yesterday. Step 5: yikes!

RGO

TraderJane,

Check this website (Rethinking Drinking), here you will find research-based information about alcoholism. Answering a few questions you can find out more about your drinking problem. The site also has some tools to recognize signs of drinking problems, and tools to cut down or quit. Check it out, even if you think you are not an alcoholic you can find some answer to your questions.For my personal experience I can tell you that it only gets worse, it doesn't get better. I tried to slow down, but I found it impossible. For me to quit was the only solution.

Have a great day.

StevenD

Hi everyone,

My sobriety date is May 28th so I'm thinking that I should say hello and join in with all of you.

I have 7 days today and am so grateful.

Hope everybody is having a great day,

Steven

Margareth

That is one long letter for a non-alcoholic to write about alcohol, girl.
Good for you to have your parents closeby and to get some much needed help with your kids. Too tired and lonely for a good reason to drink make.

RGO

Hi StevenD!

Congratulations for you 8 Days... and Welcome Aboard!

artsoul

Glad to have you Steven, and you too Chavo!! The more the merrier!! Congratulations on your days of sobriety. It's so great to know that together we can really do this!

Trader - so glad you posted! You can be a June Bug AND a Mayflower! I'd miss you a bunch if I didn't hear from ya..... As far as the moderate drinking thing goes, I know how confusing it is, but I think Draciack has a really good point about looking at our entire drinking history, not just the times when we "succeed" in only having one or two. I'm with porkchopped as well: social drinkers don't have to prove anything to themselves regarding their drinking.

More to say, but gotta go deal with my daughters car! Later, guys........

traderjane

Thanks everyone for being so welcoming!!! I have no problem identifying myself as a problem drinker -- that's easy, of course I am! But it's a big leap from that to saying I'm an alcoholic, at least in my mind. I'm not trying to deny it, but it would silly of me to say I'm an alcoholic if I didn't truly believe it. I guess on some level, I do. But since I don't readily identify with all of the "classic alcoholics" I have known in my life, it just doesn't fit quite so well altogether in my mind.

Well, it is only a label after all. I feel better when I don't drink. That is enough motivation for me right now. Thanks for keeping me on!!!

Just went to the grocery store and stocked up on non-alcoholic drinks and food for the weekend.

Have had a stressful week... trying to hang in there...

Chavo

Heya, in answer to your question: I go to a counselor once every two weeks. it's free for me as a student at our local University and it's really been helping me. It's backup support and a confidant. She's a social worker with an addiction specialty and it's been much more helpful than just attending meetings has been for me. Attending meetings provides other positive things for me but it doesn't address my abusive history that definitely plays a part in my addiction.

I think counseling is a wonderful idea.

Cheers and good Luck,
Chavo

Dee74

TJ...

It simply doesn't matter what you call yourself. If you want to stick with 'problem drinker' that's fine by me.

But in the time you've been here, there have been several incidents here or that you've written about...any one of those would have been enough for a 'normal' drinker - one who can take it or leave it - to leave it.

You don't.

That's a problem. One that needs a solution - it needs you to do something different.

I was the same. I knew there was an issue there but didn't understand - for the longest time - that every time I drank I was compounding the problem.

The worst thing that can happen to people like us, TJ...is nothing.

We have a 'good' or 'normal' drinking experience? and in our head that one experience *instantly* negates the hundreds of bad ones - cos we want it to be that way.

Our problem is not that we lose control every time we drink - it's that we can never know for sure what will happen.

If it seems like I'm hard on you it's because I don't want you to end up like I did. I was just like you - periods of control punctuated by unfortunate incidents....

The incidents got worse and more frequent - my control got less and less...but still I drank.

My denial was so bad - I was drinking all day everyday, I was throwing up, I was soiling myself, I was falling over, I had large expanses of no memory of events...

I did this for 5 years - and I still wasn't an alcoholic.

D

artsoul

Hi again, trader - I really do understand where you're coming from. And no one can really say whether you're an alcoholic, alcohol dependent, or a problem drinker. Only you can do that. I don't like the term "alcoholic" either - it conjures up a really skinny person with nasty hair/clothes and a paper bag in their hand. I can't imagine getting that bad, but then again I know it happens, even to people that were once vibrant and competent.

I think the issue for me this time is that I knew my health was going to go downhill fast if I didn't do something. By the time the symptoms really show up, it's often too late. So that's what got my attention. That, plus just being sick of it all: the sneaking around, the hangovers/withdrawals, the lack of control, and just the fact that I was missing out on so much.

I hope you don't feel like anyone's judging you. We're all just concerned and hoping that if you do have a real problem, you'll find a way to stop soon. Anyway, I'm glad your here!! Hugs XOXO

traderjane

Thanks, Dee and Artsoul. Your responses were helpful to me

I'm still sober and feeling well. Had a difficult day, lots of bad luck. I do know alcohol solves none of these problems and just makes things worse *much worse* in the end. I had a social event tonight but skipped it. Probably just as well.

I'm going to curl up with my puppy and watch the Celtics. Tomorrow is a new day.

Hi to all the rest of the Mayflowers!!