Rev

Alcohol can be like a curtain, hiding the real problems underneath, and when you take that curtain away, things can look pretty bad. It's not like you put down the bottle and it makes everything good. You can't solve all those problems unless you put it down, but to solve them you have to face them, and in many ways, that's more painful than putting down the bottle.

My own problems depress me quite a bit, because they undermine my belief in myself. When I drink, I am able to find alot of confidence in myself, because those problems are drowned out. It doesn't last, but it feels like the only relief I can get sometimes. Those times are my darkest, I think.

Rev

MyGraySkies

Hi everyone! YEYYYYY Kim on the appointment! Keeping you in my prayers that everything continues to go smoothly.

Congrats Rev - 98 days! That is so awesome. Thank you for posting that Carol, too. UBC I totally agree with your post. Yet again, words that ring true for so many of us!

I'm hanging in there still, too. We're going to the Outer Banks to play on the beach for a few days, leaving Wednesday. The husband leaves to go to sea again in less than 2 weeks. I sobered up while he was gone last time, but I'm a little nervous about him leaving and I'm not sure why. He wasn't even here when I decided enough was enough and quit, so I'm surprised that I'm a bit anxious about handling him going again. Ohhhh, and the 5 days we'll be at the beach, will be with a good friend of mine that has no idea I've sobered up. She's only been around me once since I did, and I don't think she really noticed I never drank anything that whole weekend since there was so much going on. This will be just me, her, and my family. I may end up having to tell her. She knew when I detoxed 3 years ago, and we had drifted apart a good bit during my relapse but she did know when we started talking regularly again that I had started drinking. I don't think she gets alcoholism and probably (like many, I've noticed) doesn't understand that I can't drink at all or I'm just going to end up right back at the bottom again. So, may be a good time for us to talk about it a little.

((((Hugs)))) and love to you all!

AmericanGirl

Unbroken, what a lovely post above this one. I agree about the nighttime.
MyGray, enjoy the Outer Banks and good luck with your friend -- I hope if you tell her, she will be understanding of your situation & choice.
Rev, I know what you mean about the curtain and the problems being revealed -- I am just so grateful I can deal with these things now instead of trying to sweep them away (futile) . . . we have all had our little wizard of Oz moment. Turns out we're all like the wizard -- human, fallible!
Kim, I am so glad to hear everything went well at your appointment and of course I am thinking of you often & can't wait for you to get through the first semester.
Carol, it was so sweet of you to link my other post here. Like Rev said in his post, it's difficult to learn how to deal with things sober -- but I am also finding it truly rewarding. I appreciated the cross-post.

Anyway folks, my big news here is that since my last post I have become an AUNT! my sister & baby are healthy after difficult labor. I am so glad I can be a non-drinking person in this little person's life and I know it will make me a better aunt (and it already has).

love to all.

Ghostly

Rev this was an amazing Post. It is one of the most honest and painfully truthful things I have ever read about sobriety. You summed it up so well. I absolutely hate how much I can relate to it. That describes so much how I am feeling now and have been for a while.

When I first stopped drinking I was so excited it numbed a lot of my pain. I felt like I had taken some control back. Then reality hit me and I realized everything is still there. My insecurities need to be dealt with. Still - I thank God I am able to face these things sober. Ironically my drinking helped cause so many of the problems that I am now afraid to face sober. Thank you Rev.

MGS enjoy the banks. Good luck with your friend. I hope she gives you the support you need and deserve. Know that there is also support here if you need someone.

Congrats on becoming an Aunt AG!

Thanks for the interesting and descriptive read UBC. Sounds like you def have more interesting things goin on than me. I hope you find some peace with all you are dealing with.

topspin

UBC, wow, I didn't know of Hilton Head in Japan ?

I'm working on the South end of Hilton Head !, .....but;... the one halfway around the world in Carolina. Thought for a second you might be a jet-setter !! LO

Not too much to report gang; .... crashed my bike last week on a training ride and jacked my shoulder pretty good. Night before last something happened and it might of re-located itself; ....finally, able to go for the first hard ride (short, ..only 14 mi ) tonight in a week. ( eternally optimistic )

Thanks for all the wonderful posts.

I'm more grateful every week, ....because of all you guys,..... to be part of this April group 2010'. Dumb luck, I guess. :-)



.

Rev

I continue to struggle with the desire to drink. The first couple of months, it was easier. I could think about "never drinking again." Now, I try to focus on "not drinking today." I want to drown out my sense of fatigue and boredom and anxiety. I just want to take a day off from "working at it."

I've been stressed out lately. I am not very good at taking care of my day to day stuff. I feel like my life is never "in order" or "on track". I feel like I expend too much energy and time just wanting to "feel better". I'm afraid that I don't have the energy or stamina to maintain my life as something I'd want it to be.

Quitting drinking has uncovered some very old pain, and now is my time to confront it, to change the course of my life. It's terrifying. What happens if I'm the big disappointment I've always been afraid of being? How did I get to be afraid of being a disappointment in the first place?

I've felt very alone my whole life... since childhood. I've felt ignored, superficially understood in other people's terms. I've felt disconnected, as if no matter what I did, the outcome would be the same; I've felt helpless with other people, like I'm a ghost, unseen, screaming at the oblivious living. These feelings have defined my life, drawn me more inward, built up walls around me to the point that I don't really know how to reach out, or I don't think I know.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. Just keeping it going, one day at a time.

Rev

Dee74

I think it's pretty common to feel that way at 90-120 days Rev.

We feel 'better' but we still have a lot of debris to shift...in a sense, the work is just beginning.

I just tried to accept that, until I learnt other ways to deal with stuff like stress and frustration, chances are I'd think of drinking a time or two...thats not a crime in itself but giving in to those feelings would be a crime against ourselves.

I tried to do what I could - the old deep breaths, and shifting mountains a shovelfull at a time thing - and I trusted the folks here when they said at basics all I had to do was keep on going - keep doing the right thing.

You've already got 102 days - you know how to do this Rev. Have a little faith in yourself

I know you well enough even from our limited interactions here to know you're not going to be a disappointment to anybody.

D

Rev

I hope, when I open up, to have someone read my post and think, "That's how it is for me, too." I hope for connection, and understanding. So, I think it's cool to bare your soul, here. We all need connection and understanding, climbing the personal mountains that we each have to climb.

Rev

Rev

I go by "Rev" because I'm very spiritual, and I'm an ordained minister. LOL

Thanks for all the kind words and support (as always). I'm feeling a bit better now. Just needing to confront a few things in my life that need changing, that's all. Since I've started that, I haven't felt so.... thirsty. I was looking at AA chips that I could buy online, and thinking, "I think I'll get myself one at one year" I'm not in AA, but I haven't seen an SR chip, so it's the best I can do. One year is a month or two longer than I made it the last time. That's going to feel really good.

Rev

Kmber2010

Wow my friends is what I am saying out loud as I sit here before work reading these posts on a rather gloomy overcast day. You all are writing and saying what I am feeling.

Rev....stop mind melding with me and posting my thoughts!!! lolol. I mean this seriously as your post about struggling, feeling on the outside looking in so to speak is much of how I have lived my life.

UBC - you also have to stop writing about me too.....different, wild eyed....Yup you got me on that.

I so grateful for all of you because I have no one to be honest in my life that understands what I am feeling. I don't have friends/family that really get it and to them I am off the sauce and they are happy for the positive change. They sure as heck have no clue that no matter what vibe I am giving off that my recovery is a day to day journey. They only understand Kim drinking and Kim not drinking. That is it.

I feel this journey has been in levels. Each period of time brings me to another place in my recovery. I am guessing it will eventually plateau or so I hope where I have done the work, put the pieces together and am fully at peace with myself.

I am at 97 days guys and lately.....well I am frustrated. I don't like my job. It was something I needed when I got sober to build my self-esteem and confidence and to bring me help with mental health. Staying at home, alone for a long time and the years of verbal/mental abuse with the ex took its toll. This job was good to get on the horse. Now I am looking around and saying WTF? Why am I doing this gig? I am underpaid and my skills aren't being used. Like I said, good for a first start but now I am ready for more.

I get angry and upset with myself in recent days because I feel like I failed. I failed in that I screwed up so many years and lost great opportunities. I have always felt inside myself that I am worth more and meant to do great things in life. I have always felt different then others and I can read people like nobody's business. Yet, I for the past 10 years hid who I was, crawled in a hole and pretended to be like others and drank to quiet, calm and shut the real me.

Now I DON'T WANT TO SHUT UP. I want to make positive change and I am tired of taking crap from people. I am off the bottle and I am not going to relapse. But I know that I am so trained to take crap from folks (yes, I sooooo can suck it up) that I am in this ugly internal battle with myself. The alcoholic side telling me I am wrong and I am the one who needs to agree to just let it go. The free real me says no don't take it. You deserve more and better. This attitude is what fired me up to succeed in younger years against diversity and against many odds. I didn't care what people thought and I was true to myself. I had my causes and I believed in them. I was in law school and ready to really help right some injustices in this world.

Ok....I am sorry for rambling but man this is how I feel. I wanna kick myself lately for allowing myself to ever get so beaten down. I did it and when I was drunk daily.....I allowed others to treat me pretty horridly. Now I am angry and I feel like the guy shouting he is mad as hell in the film Network. Seriously guys!!

I disagree with the practices at my job and I don't think we are really making a difference in the lives of the kids we work with. I shared with a colleague and well he disagreed. Ok...I will leave that rant alone.

I thank you all for listening to this and like I said....I feel unleashed, full of years of suppressed identity and I try hard every day not to release it on the innocent ones around me.....LOL.

What I can say to sum this up is I am approaching 100 days and that feels damn good. All of us have worked so hard to get where we are and I find support in all of you and know that I am feeling the love.

Huggs guys and now to start another day. I know there is a reason I am sober and there is a purpose that I have been given another chance. Now just to slowly work out what it is I am supposed to do here.

PS....PG hormones raging here too. Ooopsie.

Fool

It is this way for me of late, too.

Around day 90 or so I was feeling sorry for myself and the idea of just sitting back with a few quality craft-brewed beers & watching the planet spin for a while from my front porch took on an almost Homeric quality.

Rev

Only an alcoholic can see the romantic side of getting hammered. LOL.

One thing about my life: I've never felt like people got what I was going through, what I was thinking about, anything. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to be able to talk about this and have one (or several) of you say, "That's exactly what I've been going through!!"

Rev

AmericanGirl

Hi guys. I am popping on here briefly, and I wish I had time to say more.

I'm at day 96 (I think), and one thing that has occurred to me in the past few days is just how fortunate I am that I did not encounter any seriously difficult circumstances during this time. There were some really bad/annoying obstacles, but nothing so bad to set me off track, and in the earliest days, something definitely could have. So, in addition to SR and my other support, luck has had to do with this. This knowledge doubles my compassion for those in their early days. Now, after more than three months, I am cautiously developing a bit of faith that even if something horrible happens right now, I might be able to keep this up. The longterm gets easier for me to envision as the days stack up. I am so thankful, to the Universe and all the stars, that there were people here in early days to remind me to take things one day at a time. I also have no doubt I will need to be told this again.

Okay, I ended up going on way longer than I planned. I know this all waxes & wanes and I hope those of you having a difficult time will soon feel better . . .

AmericanGirl

Thanks UBC -- yes, I def would feel comfortable sharing with you guys. I guess I mean I feel so fortunate that I didn't experience something like a major loss, which I know some people on these boards have gone through in early days posting here. I feel like I got lucky getting sober when I did, is mostly what I mean. I also mean to acknowledge that my success in this has not been entirely in my control; not only did I need all of you, and my counselor, and my supportive friends, but I also needed good fortune, something entirely out of my control. And since I'm learning so much about how to deal with control issues in the absence of alcohol (which was my go-to "abandon feeling like you can control everything" tool), that's quite a bit to admit!

I also wanted to weigh in on this "Feeling different" biz but I cut out that part of my post yesterday. I think it's great this is a place we can share these feelings. I'm also fortunate that in my job as a college instructor I often read personal essays by young people and am therefore frequently reminded that we all feel alone and "different" -- even the most seemingly normal people out there. So, whenever my existential angst flairs up, I remind myself that all people, when they have the opportunity for introspection, feel this way to some degree. What is different is how much we choose to think or talk about it, which varies from person to person.

I told my bf about some of you guys last night. I've closely guarded this group and my activity here in day-to-day life. He knows I'm going on "my website" but not much more. Anyway, thought I'd let you know in case your ears were burning.

Love to all.

CarolD

Hi Aprilers.....:

Hmmm....
As a child....I always wanted everything to be more shiney
a bit larger than my middle class midwest upbringing actually was.

When I started drinking...Wham! instant fanasy time!
I felt sophisticated....intersting....intellectual....dif ferent!

I continued to drink until that fantasy shattered.


With recovery....I have no need for pretend time.
I so enjoy my life.....and the new me.
I'm a walking talking typing miracle.....

I truly beleive y'all are too!
Forward we go...side by side

Dee74

time for a new thread

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html

D