PaperDolls

I still haven't signed up. Whatever happens, happens. How is everyone?

Ananda

I'm ok PD

A bit more hopeful than 2 months ago...but not really spreading the joy

I've rediscovered how much I love my home, dogs, son....

I've started a small "cash cow" fund....any money I can is being put in the pot towards some travel. Things aren't as great as they use to be, but little hopeful things...a freind here or there, a bit of money for a trip, a little self esteme....

Things are better than when I was 25! Starting to feel a bit of integrity creeping back in my life.

As far as speaking... well guess what...no matter what happens between now and the time you speak, you will have a compelling story. I'm 99.9% sure you'll stay sober...but your value and message cannot be deminished. My home group invited a speaker who ended up slipping after 15 years...but her message helped me (please...I don't doubt you'll make it...don't want to sound negative)

You aren't "just sober"...you are a caring loving recovering (or recovered) alchoholic. take a step of faith and sign up (hug).

PaperDolls

Glad to see you around here Ananda!! Thank you for the kind words. I'll probably sign up to speak. I'll wait until the time is right .... I'm just not feeling it right now.

I'm glad to hear things are going well and getting better for you. Good stuff.

Pixy1

Well PD we are half way through November?? Did you speak in the end? if so let us know how you got on!!

Nands I think it's important to have things to look forward to. It gives us something to focus on and the anticipation of knowing you will travel is exciting. Just the thought of it lifts you. Will you be travelling back this way again?

Ananda

Pix,

I'm not sure what I'll do when the time comes...

Truthfully I'm suffering from a bit of jelously and irritation. My brother and mom are going to antartica in January. It was just a jelousy of I wish I could go (envy) but not a big deal. Then my brother said to me "well no one else would and somebody needed to".

Malarky! Mom is paying his way (15K a peice!). That offer was never made to me...I simply didn't have the funds. I'd have gone in a heart beat if I had the money!!! I'm trying not to make this a big deal. It is what it is. I knew she was paying his way, and although enveous I was ok with it (yeah had internal struggles...but thats just the human condition...it wasn't like something I couldn't accept and work through ... the envy)...but when he said no one else would do it...when no one else got the chance to at no cost...it was like a put down and totally didn't aknowledge that none of the rest of us got the opportunity at no cost! Even in the best of times I didn't have 15K for a trip! And my brother never even came close to it...I just feel like I'm being told I didn't care enough when the reality is none of the rest of us got the same "offer" he did....If mom had said 3 years ago (when she first started wanting to go) Nands...lets go...I'll pay...I'de have gone and been a good companion in a heart beat...

That all said...there is an element of jelousy so I am not acting on my feelings. The main thing is that mom will take the trip she wants...she wants to go to all 7 continents and Antartica and Austrailia are the 2 left. I try to focus on that and not the BS emotional stuff.

I'm having a lot of trouble with resentments lately I sarcastically say my brother is now a part of the "black box" (money mom has spent to "help" or "do things" for the kids) that is to be deducted from the inheritance money (which I am executor for). My brother has complained about the "black box" for years...now I suspect we come about even on what mom gave before her death....OK I know I'm showing my envy and anger...just trying to be honest...I will work through this...it isn't a big deal long haul...but is temporarily eating at me. The main thing is to let mom spend her money as she wishes...the rest is something that the kids need to be grateful for...any thing she is able to "pass along".

Sorry to rant...I needed to get this out in writing to people listening who care :ghug3 I realize it's all pretty much BS...I'm just trying to sort through it and get there for real (as opposed to saying the right words). I believe I will...just not quite processed the "feelings" part yet lol

Pixs ... how are you? email me and lets see if we can set up a chat time...I would love to come back to visit but my travel shoes want a new land and culture to explore...Plus England is more expensive than south east asia, turkey......etc....

Tell us how you are pix hug

Nands

Dee74

(((Nands)))

D

PaperDolls

(((nands)))


I did not speak this month. Just didn't happen .... or I didn't sign up. Fact is, I can do it any time. It doesn't have to be November only. I'm just not sure what I have to share right now. Probably something, I'm just not sure what it is right now.

Pixy1

Nands, I always love and admire your honesty about your feelings. The fact your so open and honest they will never eat away at you, you will simply process them and move on. It's completely natural to feel as you do. You are exactly where you need to be today I'll email you in the next day or so. Got so much to catch up on!!

PD your right! you can speak anytime. You will know when that time is right and it will flow

Life busy as ever here. Seriously struggling with all aspects of life but marching on regardless with sheer determination.........or stupidity but either way I keep going

PaperDolls

Interestingly, I went to a speaker meeting Sunday night. The speaker said she wasn't there speaking because she wanted to but because she was supposed to. That since she was still sober it was part of the deal to share it. I thought damn, now I'm gonna have to speak!

Ananda

I love you paper

you are a good person who cares ....

Part of the deal is we never know what we have to share that matters....I think we only find that out way later

ok...dogs are bickering

Pixy1

PD thats a sign!

Ananda

I guess every 3 months...it's just worth it to see what happens here....

Hope everyone is well.

timmy, wibbles, wonkey, jiggy, pix, alport, paperdolls, cola girl, fizzy, speedyjason, and all the others I forgot to name!

love ya all

Pixy1

Nands

I'd be here every day if we posted like we used to!!

You forgot LB!!!!

PaperDolls

How's it going folks?!

Ananda

Hi PD!

Well things are ok here...have several months going and its different

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how to not drink or wondering if I'll drink or any thing about drinking...some but not much.

Mostly I'm just really enjoying what is in my life...letting go of some silly old stuff I let myself get all wrapped up with and learning to get back to my basic life stuff.

I was manically "doing" for a few months, but I seem to have settled down a bit...its not a race, there isn't a goal....just re-learning to stay in the moment with some appreciation and care

How are things for you?

PaperDolls

I'm glad to hear that ananda! We all deserve to be happy.

I'm doing well. Working, chasing a toddler around, and making it to meetings. Enjoying life and feeling joyous and worn out all at the same time. Couldn't really ask for much more.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Ananda

I doubt anyone is really around anymore...but a few possible "lurkers"...

So I wanted to say I love all of you. It's been a good 6 months over all. Of course there is pain and suffering as with all LOL....

Although I "consider myself Buddhist", that's just a label and having been raised (conditioned) with "Christmas" this is the time of year where certain emotions are more prevalent in my life...

So I remember our good times and think of old friends! This year my son and I get our last Christmas with just us and the dogs! We've only had that 3 times in 35 years and it's pretty special. So far we have decorated the over size tree (our vision was larger than the actual size of the house LOL) and all presents have been purchased except a few stocking gifts for the dogs and my son...

My personal desire side.... would love to see a post from each of you on how you are doing and whatever...but I realize many may not read this old worn out thread LOL....I needed to post and be open to a response.

I've come to understand once again, that although every day sober is special...still suffering is just something that happens. This is pretty "anti" sobriety. But sober or not...I love those that I have come to love here and as always, I don't care if you are succeeding or not as far as loving you...I only care that you have pain. All of us have that...just check in if you are lurking. No judgment...just love and appreciation for all you have given to life (hug)

OK...cornball moment over...where are those roman soldiers when I need them lol

http://media.photobucket.com/user/su...g.html?filters[term]=roman%20soldier&filters[primary]=images&sort=1&o=92


Nands

PaperDolls

Hi Nands! Great to hear from you.

It sounds like your holidays are shaping up quite nicely. The tree sounds beautiful.

We didn't decorate this year. I think mostly because I'm just too lazy. I'd just rather spend time hanging out and playing with my family.

My mom is in the hospital after a hip replacement. They had to go back in second time because of a blood clot and now there's infection. A pretty tough bug to fight so she'll be on IV antibiotics for a while. She'll likely be in a nursing home during that time. She's also very confused which we're hoping goes away soon. If not .... I don't know. So, our plans are a bit up in the air but we'll figure it out.

Sending love and hugs to everyone!

Sent from my iPad using SoberRecovery

Dee74

Hi Nands and PD

not much happening with me apart from working here - looking forward to a less painful year next year - had nerve pain for most of this year but I hope it's under control now

Happy Holidays to you both and anyone who's not here like now like Pix and LB

D

colagirl

Hi guys! I can't believe this thread is still alive! I too would love to hear how everyone is doing...

Here is my update:

During the weekend of November 15-17, I had a really bad binge that led to my best friend breaking into my house to see if I was still alive, as I had ignored all of her calls and texts over the weekend. I remember madly throwing bottles into cabinets and running up to my bed to pretend I was sleeping, as she rushed upstairs, calling to me with tears in her voice and checking to make sure I was breathing. I didn't react in that moment, but I was so ashamed of putting her through that (something my mom had done to me countless times when she was drinking), that I knew the jig was up and I had to tell her what was going on. This was a huge deal for me as I always drank alone and no one in my real life had any idea.

The next day I bought my last bottles of wine at the Plaid Pantry so I could get up the nerve to talk to her. I vividly remember the look on the poor cashier's face, the one who had been selling me bottle after bottle of Yellow Tail chardonnay for two and a half days when I was clearly already plastered; he didn't even want to look me in the eye. Riad. I'll never forget that look.

I came home and started texting everything to my friend. I didn't leave out any details and I honestly answered any questions she had and any she has had since then. I promised her that I would always be honest with her if I decided to drink again or even if I was just thinking about it. I've found since that day that it's pretty hard to make an excuse to drink that I would be able to explain to her or, more importantly, justify to myself. Having that layer of real-life accountability has been invaluable to me.

I've also started seeing an addiction counselor which has been very helpful in understanding the different stages of sobriety, what alcohol has done to my brain, and why I'm feeling the way I am.

So, my sobriety date is November 18, 2013, and today I have 40 days. It hasn't been easy, but I've found it very helpful to "play the tape through", and to really remember how many mornings I woke up hungover and miserable, wishing I had gotten sober years before. I never want to be in that place again. Even if my addict voice is screaming at me to drink and I can't remember the bad times, I try to just trust that my other mind knows better and I just need to let it pass.

Love to everyone!!