Codependency and Beyond - part 13
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I have been trying to control something in order to protect it..
It has taken my joy away from that which I have being trying to protect. I have decided to give this control back to my Higher Power and hopefully my joy will return..
Deciding this has certainly brought relief.
I can only offer what I have...God will decide how it is used...
((Annie))) I am sorry you came home to such a mess...
My first reaction, if it were me, is to keep walking past it to a space in the house just for me, and put it out of my mind. NMM- not my mess..
I guess you have to ask yourself what you want - a clean kitchen in the moment or some changes in the house; people carrying their weight, and being respectful of you..
If it is a clean kitchen in the moment, try to detach from your anger and frustration, and do it for you.
You have spoken of your husband's refusal to acknowledge or deal with your requests/concerns.
I know of women who have gone on strike; very effective. ( and what I would do)
Are you ready to upset the apple cart and announce to all that from now on you will not be cleaning anything but your own mess..etc...that you will continue to cook but will no longer be doing any dishes connected to meals....and if dishes aren't cleaned, there will be no meals...etc...something to that effect...
I think this situation can change...Can you hang in for the duration? Until your husband understands you are no longer willing to continue being disrespected?
Is tolerating the mould worth changing the status quo in your home?
This is about teaching them to respect you, especially your husband, as his attitude affects the children I think.
You deserve to be treated with respect, Annie...
It has taken my joy away from that which I have being trying to protect. I have decided to give this control back to my Higher Power and hopefully my joy will return..
Deciding this has certainly brought relief.
I can only offer what I have...God will decide how it is used...
((Annie))) I am sorry you came home to such a mess...
My first reaction, if it were me, is to keep walking past it to a space in the house just for me, and put it out of my mind. NMM- not my mess..
I guess you have to ask yourself what you want - a clean kitchen in the moment or some changes in the house; people carrying their weight, and being respectful of you..
If it is a clean kitchen in the moment, try to detach from your anger and frustration, and do it for you.
You have spoken of your husband's refusal to acknowledge or deal with your requests/concerns.
I know of women who have gone on strike; very effective. ( and what I would do)
Are you ready to upset the apple cart and announce to all that from now on you will not be cleaning anything but your own mess..etc...that you will continue to cook but will no longer be doing any dishes connected to meals....and if dishes aren't cleaned, there will be no meals...etc...something to that effect...
I think this situation can change...Can you hang in for the duration? Until your husband understands you are no longer willing to continue being disrespected?
Is tolerating the mould worth changing the status quo in your home?
This is about teaching them to respect you, especially your husband, as his attitude affects the children I think.
You deserve to be treated with respect, Annie...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Lisa))) (((Amy))) (((SG))) (((Grateful))) Thank you for your sound advice. So...got home tonight and husband had all of his dishes from last night and today stacked back in the sink even thought the dishwasher was empty. SO...daughter and I cleaned up our dishes and left his there...but I did rinse them so they didn't smell. He's on the road tonight..so we'll see what happens.
MOre sad news on son front. He was offered a job at that home for the handicapped...but they did background check and rescinded the offer when they found his misdemeanor conviction...even though I'm pretty sure they only asked about felony convictions on the application. Poor guy. That sucks. I'm pretty anxious...every mommie, codie cell in me wants to go yell at the employers and tell them what asses they are, but I know he has to work this out for himself.
I'm so trying to be positive ...but its' so hard when the kid keeps getting kicked in the teeth.....HP better have a plan for him...sometimes it's hard to keep the faith,
Thanks for always letting me whine.
Love you
annie
MOre sad news on son front. He was offered a job at that home for the handicapped...but they did background check and rescinded the offer when they found his misdemeanor conviction...even though I'm pretty sure they only asked about felony convictions on the application. Poor guy. That sucks. I'm pretty anxious...every mommie, codie cell in me wants to go yell at the employers and tell them what asses they are, but I know he has to work this out for himself.
I'm so trying to be positive ...but its' so hard when the kid keeps getting kicked in the teeth.....HP better have a plan for him...sometimes it's hard to keep the faith,
Thanks for always letting me whine.
Love you
annie
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
(((grateful)))
I sometimes mistake my arrogance for strength. This is my lesson for today. A guy I know turned his romantic attentions towards me pretty fiercely this past weekend. I knew he was not "healthy dating material", but we have chemistry and I like him a lot. I told him from the jump I would hang out with him as friends only. I felt pretty strong, being able to turn down his advances and still enjoy the weekend. Today the "hang over" hit haha. I realized I was playing with fire, and enjoying his company far too much. The goings on in the past few days with this situation made me so very happy with how strong I have become, and so very aware of how weak I still am.
I will take the weakness as a reminder that it is my Higher Power who has strength when I need it.
Annie, your son belongs to his HP, of course there are wonderful things in store for him. Some of the best things I have experienced have come in the form of trials.
Amy, get some sleep <3
hugs for everyone !
I sometimes mistake my arrogance for strength. This is my lesson for today. A guy I know turned his romantic attentions towards me pretty fiercely this past weekend. I knew he was not "healthy dating material", but we have chemistry and I like him a lot. I told him from the jump I would hang out with him as friends only. I felt pretty strong, being able to turn down his advances and still enjoy the weekend. Today the "hang over" hit haha. I realized I was playing with fire, and enjoying his company far too much. The goings on in the past few days with this situation made me so very happy with how strong I have become, and so very aware of how weak I still am.
I will take the weakness as a reminder that it is my Higher Power who has strength when I need it.
Annie, your son belongs to his HP, of course there are wonderful things in store for him. Some of the best things I have experienced have come in the form of trials.
Amy, get some sleep <3
hugs for everyone !
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Grateful)) - thanks for the reading...it's a good one!
((Annie)) - I know my dad seems to struggle, more than I do, at times with the fact that I'm working where I am because of my consequences. Yes, it does get to me, some times, but it's also a good reminder that I don't want to make any MORE bad consequences I have to deal with, later down the road.
Work was still crazy...still no computer. The shift mgr wanted me to go back home and work tonight and I refused
The store owner and new store mgr were very concerned at why I'd been given such a quick turnaround, and offered to let me go home, but I declined as I wouldn't have enough hours...then the store owner asked why I'd been scheduled so few hours and I told her she'd have to ask the mgr who scheduled me....felt GOOD to put it all back on that mgr!! I worked side-by-side with the new store mgr and he's a nice guy..we made a good team. It also felt good to have the two top people show concern about me, despite the fact that they were in the midst of chaos themselves. It definitely put me in a good mood, though I felt like a zombie
I've got Elvis curled up on me, Mots and Patches at my feet, and I'm off tomorrow so can catch up on sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Annie)) - I know my dad seems to struggle, more than I do, at times with the fact that I'm working where I am because of my consequences. Yes, it does get to me, some times, but it's also a good reminder that I don't want to make any MORE bad consequences I have to deal with, later down the road.
Work was still crazy...still no computer. The shift mgr wanted me to go back home and work tonight and I refused
The store owner and new store mgr were very concerned at why I'd been given such a quick turnaround, and offered to let me go home, but I declined as I wouldn't have enough hours...then the store owner asked why I'd been scheduled so few hours and I told her she'd have to ask the mgr who scheduled me....felt GOOD to put it all back on that mgr!! I worked side-by-side with the new store mgr and he's a nice guy..we made a good team. It also felt good to have the two top people show concern about me, despite the fact that they were in the midst of chaos themselves. It definitely put me in a good mood, though I felt like a zombieI've got Elvis curled up on me, Mots and Patches at my feet, and I'm off tomorrow so can catch up on sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) we were posting at the same time, earlier. Good for you for recognizing that your strength was actually arrogance I think you're doing great!
(((Jane))) - awww, hon...it hasn't really been a short time. I've been working on this codie stuff for the entire 3 years I've been working on my addiction recovery, and had read about it for years before that. That's why I keep telling you not to get frustrated when you don't see progress as fast as you want. I truly believe it's the same as addiction...when we get tired of hurting enough...we start to make the baby steps, get a little more strength and slowly move forward (though most of us still slide backwards, no matter how hard we work at it). This is one way it IS different from addiction - we can't abstain (or, at least, I've never met anyone who has) from being a codie.
Come to think of it, I was at my last job for 4-1/2 years and I took pretty much what they dished out, so yeah...this has been a long time coming. Doesn't mean it will take YOU that long, just wanted to point out that I had to get sick and tired of being a miserable doormat/slave to get to where I am now.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you're doing great!(((Jane))) - awww, hon...it hasn't really been a short time. I've been working on this codie stuff for the entire 3 years I've been working on my addiction recovery, and had read about it for years before that. That's why I keep telling you not to get frustrated when you don't see progress as fast as you want. I truly believe it's the same as addiction...when we get tired of hurting enough...we start to make the baby steps, get a little more strength and slowly move forward (though most of us still slide backwards, no matter how hard we work at it). This is one way it IS different from addiction - we can't abstain (or, at least, I've never met anyone who has) from being a codie.
Come to think of it, I was at my last job for 4-1/2 years and I took pretty much what they dished out, so yeah...this has been a long time coming. Doesn't mean it will take YOU that long, just wanted to point out that I had to get sick and tired of being a miserable doormat/slave to get to where I am now.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Gosh, Annie, it's really too bad about your son. Sometimes it seems like obstacles are put up in front of those trying to repair their lives. And, sometimes companies make blanket policy statements without looking at the individual or the circumstances. I guess you have to look at it as, that particular job was not the one for your son, and that something better will come along.
Amy, it sounds like you're doing well, in spite of being pressured to work more hours. I hope you get a chance to rest.
Daughter is having ongoing trouble with her mother-in-law and thank goodness I have just enough codie recovery to know that I can't fix this, but I can offer lots of support. And, fortunately son-in-law knows that his mother is a fruitcake.
Amy, it sounds like you're doing well, in spite of being pressured to work more hours. I hope you get a chance to rest.
Daughter is having ongoing trouble with her mother-in-law and thank goodness I have just enough codie recovery to know that I can't fix this, but I can offer lots of support. And, fortunately son-in-law knows that his mother is a fruitcake.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Feeling Good
May 6
Make yourself feel good.
It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.
We don't have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.
When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.
Let's stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good.
Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I am uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.
Feeling Good
May 6
Make yourself feel good.
It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.
We don't have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.
When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.
Let's stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good.
Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I am uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet 
I sometimes mistake my arrogance for strength. I realized I was playing with fire, and enjoying his company far too much. The goings on in the past few days with this situation made me so very happy with how strong I have become, and so very aware of how weak I still am.
I will take the weakness as a reminder that it is my Higher Power who has strength when I need it.
I will take the weakness as a reminder that it is my Higher Power who has strength when I need it.
Humility is such an empowering strength.
Annie I am sorry...What a worry for you...
But you know you have no control over any of it...and it is so early in the game for him, in his recovery. I know it is hard not to worry about what is ahead...
The best you can do for him is to stay in today and that is huge; this is one of many hurdles and he does have what he needs to overcome them..
..Believe that...
your son needs to learn to live in today, and you can support him in that way. Support him in meeting his disappointments and dealing with what is on his plate today
Yes, God does have a plan for him, and your son must learn to walk his path, and in doing so, he will create a wonderful life for himself...
We have to believe, Annie, and if we do, it is so much easier for them to.
I understand so well, what you are going through and how hard it is to let go and believe
I remember how hard it was for me to believe in my daughter because I was so blocked by fear It took some time but as I worked on me, and she began to move forward, we eventually got to a place where things really began to change as the healing took place in our lives and in turn, our relationship.
I don't think he was meant to have this job..I don't believe it is written in stone, that because of his misdemeanor conviction, that he cannot get a job.. I think his Higher Power will put someone in his path to hire him when the time is right.
((Jane))
Anna, I am glad to hear your son-in-law knows his mom is extremely difficult to deal with. Could be a nightmare if not...whew!
It is wonderful that they can deal with this situation together..
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I took time away from my computer, last night, to read that book I'd ordered (that's written as if by a cat). It was really a good book, and I can't remember the last time I read something for PLEASURE!
Got a phone call at 11:15pm, wanting to know if I could work all night...I declined as I'd still only had 8 hours of sleep. I'm scheduled until 2 a.m. tonight, will see how I feel if the situation comes up and they need me longer. I can see this as a possible codie situation arising...I could use more hours (was shortchanged this week), they may need the help, but working 12 hours could put me in a irritable, "why did I do this to myself", martyr mode so I need to think about my motives on this.
Here's a good "Ralph" I thought you all might like:
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nothing wrong
+++++++++++++++++++
There is nothing wrong. There is simply what is, and what you
choose to make of it.
If you spend all your energy on judgment, there's no energy
left for progress. And judgment doesn't pay the bills.
You have the opportunity to create something beautiful. It
starts with accepting and valuing what already is.
Life's energy comes to you, and you can do with it whatever
you please. Very little of what comes your way is under your
control before it gets to you, but every bit of what you do
with it is yours to decide.
Instead of fighting battles that are already over, simply
accept that things are as they are. Then look closely with a
positive purpose, and you'll find plenty of opportunities
for creating meaningful value.
Life is bringing you amazing possibilities right now. Let
them come, let them be, and find joy in making the very best
of them.
Ralph Marston
Got a phone call at 11:15pm, wanting to know if I could work all night...I declined as I'd still only had 8 hours of sleep. I'm scheduled until 2 a.m. tonight, will see how I feel if the situation comes up and they need me longer. I can see this as a possible codie situation arising...I could use more hours (was shortchanged this week), they may need the help, but working 12 hours could put me in a irritable, "why did I do this to myself", martyr mode so I need to think about my motives on this.
Here's a good "Ralph" I thought you all might like:
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nothing wrong
+++++++++++++++++++
There is nothing wrong. There is simply what is, and what you
choose to make of it.
If you spend all your energy on judgment, there's no energy
left for progress. And judgment doesn't pay the bills.
You have the opportunity to create something beautiful. It
starts with accepting and valuing what already is.
Life's energy comes to you, and you can do with it whatever
you please. Very little of what comes your way is under your
control before it gets to you, but every bit of what you do
with it is yours to decide.
Instead of fighting battles that are already over, simply
accept that things are as they are. Then look closely with a
positive purpose, and you'll find plenty of opportunities
for creating meaningful value.
Life is bringing you amazing possibilities right now. Let
them come, let them be, and find joy in making the very best
of them.
Ralph Marston
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Letting Go Of Fear
May 7
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Letting Go Of Fear
May 7
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I am constantly grateful, that I am here now, living the life I have, now.
I lived in fear for so long, and it took a bit longer to learn to think differently, and do things differently, and finally, to learn to let go of the past.
Amy, thank you for Ralph, I appreciate it so much when you can manage to post one of his readings.
((SG))
I lived in fear for so long, and it took a bit longer to learn to think differently, and do things differently, and finally, to learn to let go of the past.
Amy, thank you for Ralph, I appreciate it so much when you can manage to post one of his readings.
((SG))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Thankyou Grateful and Amy for the readings..
I am feeling sad today because my brother Jack passed away last night. He was turning 73 in a couple of weeks...He has had alot of health problems the last while, then yesterday he was rushed to the hospital with a bleeding ulcer, they thought he was going to be ok but then things got worse..so I guess it was his time..He is my oldest brother and a very sweet man..
I am feeling sad today because my brother Jack passed away last night. He was turning 73 in a couple of weeks...He has had alot of health problems the last while, then yesterday he was rushed to the hospital with a bleeding ulcer, they thought he was going to be ok but then things got worse..so I guess it was his time..He is my oldest brother and a very sweet man..
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Oh, (((SG)))..I am very sorry to hear abut your brother's passing...now he has peace and is free of pain....
gentle hugs and prayers for you, SG, and prayers for your brother Jack, your family and all those who love him.
gentle hugs and prayers for you, SG, and prayers for your brother Jack, your family and all those who love him.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I actually had a pretty good night at work. The mgr was the one I've had problems with, but the first thing I asked was how her son was (he's fine) and told her I'd been praying for them. She got a big smile on her face and said "awww, I feel so loved!"
A few people commented that I should "grab all the hours I could" when I didn't want to work 12 hours and I calmly said "I have a life outside this job...I have another job, school, and a 16-year-old I want to be there for..I don't let it interfere with this job, but I've let jobs take over my life before and I'm not going to do it any more". It may come back to bite me in the butt as far as becoming a shift mgr, but at this pace, that is a ways down the road and from what I hear they pay that position, not so sure I want it any more...and I'm okay with that. Got other pans in the fire.
Our septic tank, we think, is full
Dad is on his way back from NJ, can't use the bathrooms, so THAT is no fun. We have two tanks, would have much rather not been able to use the kitchen/washing machine one! I tried drano and flooded mine and Brit's bathroom a bit, with the help of all 3 cats. Elvis has been drinking out of the toilet, if we don't keep the lid down, and he's being VERY loud about not being allowed to do it. The guy that is riding with dad, his BIL does plumbing so dad will call him today and see if he can help. I checked out prices to have it drained and it doesn't seem too bad.
Yes, I'm thinking "if it weren't for me, dad would be dealing with this all on his own" but it is what it is. I'm glad I can help...he's been there for me, plenty of times. The future will be what it is.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A few people commented that I should "grab all the hours I could" when I didn't want to work 12 hours and I calmly said "I have a life outside this job...I have another job, school, and a 16-year-old I want to be there for..I don't let it interfere with this job, but I've let jobs take over my life before and I'm not going to do it any more". It may come back to bite me in the butt as far as becoming a shift mgr, but at this pace, that is a ways down the road and from what I hear they pay that position, not so sure I want it any more...and I'm okay with that. Got other pans in the fire.
Our septic tank, we think, is full
Dad is on his way back from NJ, can't use the bathrooms, so THAT is no fun. We have two tanks, would have much rather not been able to use the kitchen/washing machine one! I tried drano and flooded mine and Brit's bathroom a bit, with the help of all 3 cats. Elvis has been drinking out of the toilet, if we don't keep the lid down, and he's being VERY loud about not being allowed to do it. The guy that is riding with dad, his BIL does plumbing so dad will call him today and see if he can help. I checked out prices to have it drained and it doesn't seem too bad.Yes, I'm thinking "if it weren't for me, dad would be dealing with this all on his own" but it is what it is. I'm glad I can help...he's been there for me, plenty of times. The future will be what it is.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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