Codependency And Beyond - Part 10
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Codependency And Beyond - Part 10
Codependency and Beyond - Part 9 can be found at:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
Lisa, I am so glad to hear that you had wonderful time with your old friend
I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend:ghug2
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
Lisa, I am so glad to hear that you had wonderful time with your old friend
I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend:ghug2
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Amy, thats okay...I could not find anyone to close it at this hour...don`t know if Carol is still up.....I am glad your night was good, Amy...I was wondering, since you got on so late...I can be a little worry wart sometimes,
thank you so much for Ralph...I just love learning...learning about anything; anything that challenges me....it is my passion....and it is a constant in my life... ...I would be a career student still if my health were better...although my spiritual studies have kept me captivated...what a joy
thank you so much for Ralph...I just love learning...learning about anything; anything that challenges me....it is my passion....and it is a constant in my life... ...I would be a career student still if my health were better...although my spiritual studies have kept me captivated...what a joy
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Location: BC Canada
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You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
December 6
LETTING GO OF SHAME
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
December 6
LETTING GO OF SHAME
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Thanks, Dee!
SG, thank you for this reading!
I think shame is one of the most toxic emotions and it haunted me for most of my young life.
Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw is one of the best books on the subject. I remember when I fist discovered his book, years ago, and although I knew I needed to read it, I was afraid too, because I was afraid to face my shame...I eventually did read the book and it helped move me from the source of my shame to the release of it and how it bound me to my past, while changing forever my view of myself .....hugs
SG, thank you for this reading!
I think shame is one of the most toxic emotions and it haunted me for most of my young life.
Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw is one of the best books on the subject. I remember when I fist discovered his book, years ago, and although I knew I needed to read it, I was afraid too, because I was afraid to face my shame...I eventually did read the book and it helped move me from the source of my shame to the release of it and how it bound me to my past, while changing forever my view of myself .....hugs
Last edited by grateful2b; 12-06-2009 at 10:00 AM.
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WOW WOW WOW...today's reading...so much to say! I have to come back tonight to discuss it, getting ready for my Son's bday party =) BUT I can so relate to this reading.
BTW, Grateful I heard of that book and was thinking of getting it. Now that you've mentioned it and it's been brought up to my attention a 2nd time I must think of it as a sign =)
Love you guys, be back later!
BTW, Grateful I heard of that book and was thinking of getting it. Now that you've mentioned it and it's been brought up to my attention a 2nd time I must think of it as a sign =)
Love you guys, be back later!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
ya know, I actually HAD that book, back when I was with XABF #1. I had all the books, knew I was a codie, and STILL wouldn't do anything about it...sigh. Took me developing my own addiction and almost 15 more years before I could get to my bottom and DO something. Wow.
I just woke up and am getting ready for work again. I'm off after tonight, but have to do stores this week. I'm planning on taking tomorrow off from everything, though. I'm in need of rest and SR time!!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I just woke up and am getting ready for work again. I'm off after tonight, but have to do stores this week. I'm planning on taking tomorrow off from everything, though. I'm in need of rest and SR time!!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Everyone))))
I can't tell you how much I look forward to talking with you guys. Something very interesting happened Friday night and I remember thinking..."I've got to tell the SR group about this!" I truly consider you all friends.
So..here's what happened. I was at my youngest's school holiday concert...and I saw the mother of one of my son's classmates (her daughter and my son were co-valedictorians). I asked her how her daughter was doing and she broke down in tears. She told me that her daughter (who had been majoring in pre-med and making the dean's list...etc..) had dropped out of school....was living with an older guy (who also had dropped out) in his parent's basement and refused to talk with them for two months.
I had so many flash backs to my son's incident...but this time they didnt' hurt. This time I was able to use them and my healing process to speak comfort to this mom. I so knew where she was at and I think I was able to give her some hope. She said she had thought often of calling or emaling me cuz she had known of my situation...but she didn't want to burden me further. I was able to tell her that it would be no burden...that while I still sometimes struggle...that I was on the road to recover and I could handle helping her with her burdens if she needed me to.
I am not yet at the point where I can say my son's mistakes were a good thing...but I am happy that I can use what I've learned for some good.
Also...for the first time EVER my son showed up without being forced to at my daughter's concert to support her. She was so thrilled. It was a sign of maturity and caring that I have been waiting to see in him. The new picture on my profile is of my three kids at that concert Friday night. When I look at it it gives me such hope that the future can be good....and happy.
Finally...my best friend...who was a raging alcoholic for years...is now ready to bridge out of her aftercare group. She is doing so well. In fact, she is reaching out to me and gifting me with several AA 12 step books and meditations. It's so weird to have our roles reversed...as I often took care of her when she was out of it these last 10 years...but I'll let her. I do believe it is time for me to heal.
You are all so wonderful. I pray big, heartfelt prayers for each of you that this holiday season would be stress free...full of love...and fun.
Love,
Annie
I can't tell you how much I look forward to talking with you guys. Something very interesting happened Friday night and I remember thinking..."I've got to tell the SR group about this!" I truly consider you all friends.
So..here's what happened. I was at my youngest's school holiday concert...and I saw the mother of one of my son's classmates (her daughter and my son were co-valedictorians). I asked her how her daughter was doing and she broke down in tears. She told me that her daughter (who had been majoring in pre-med and making the dean's list...etc..) had dropped out of school....was living with an older guy (who also had dropped out) in his parent's basement and refused to talk with them for two months.
I had so many flash backs to my son's incident...but this time they didnt' hurt. This time I was able to use them and my healing process to speak comfort to this mom. I so knew where she was at and I think I was able to give her some hope. She said she had thought often of calling or emaling me cuz she had known of my situation...but she didn't want to burden me further. I was able to tell her that it would be no burden...that while I still sometimes struggle...that I was on the road to recover and I could handle helping her with her burdens if she needed me to.
I am not yet at the point where I can say my son's mistakes were a good thing...but I am happy that I can use what I've learned for some good.
Also...for the first time EVER my son showed up without being forced to at my daughter's concert to support her. She was so thrilled. It was a sign of maturity and caring that I have been waiting to see in him. The new picture on my profile is of my three kids at that concert Friday night. When I look at it it gives me such hope that the future can be good....and happy.
Finally...my best friend...who was a raging alcoholic for years...is now ready to bridge out of her aftercare group. She is doing so well. In fact, she is reaching out to me and gifting me with several AA 12 step books and meditations. It's so weird to have our roles reversed...as I often took care of her when she was out of it these last 10 years...but I'll let her. I do believe it is time for me to heal.
You are all so wonderful. I pray big, heartfelt prayers for each of you that this holiday season would be stress free...full of love...and fun.
Love,
Annie
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
awwww, ((Annie)) - your post just made my night!! Your kids look awesome, and I'm so glad you were able to be there for that mom.
I ended up having to close at work tonight, but it was only an hour after I was supposed to get off anyway. J called, said he'd be late. Guess he meant a day or so, since he never made it? I've decided all the guy servers at work are just jerks. P, the one who worked with us today, snapped on me, then later tried to justify why he did it. He thinks he knows everything, wants to be the boss...whatever. I told him I didn't appreciate being snapped on and when I told him not to do something, I didn't want to hear an excuse or an attitude! So there!!
I did remember to get my coat from work and got some Peroxide for Mots's ear. Fully expected to have to hog-tie him to clean his ear...darned cat laid there and purred like crazy, didn't even flinch. He's healing very nicely
I'm off today, plan on sleeping until I wake up! I have all kinds of things that need to be done - stores, school, etc. but at the most, I will finish my essay questions, and not to sure about those. Got to thinking, today, don't know how I will fit in another job with the one I have, the stores every other month, AND school...keep forgetting I'm not superwoman, but going without sleep that little while gave me a good reminder!
I honestly don't know what to do. In the meantime, I just get further into debt, it seems. I will get $400 from dad for the trip but it will be a couple of weeks. I keep trying to tell myself "I have enough" but I would really like to move forward, just a little bit, instead of backward in some stuff. Heck, I just need to buy new socks and a bra...nope, not in the budget.
Sorry, I'm through whining. I'll be fine after some sleep. I quit smoking again, and that's no fun since I don't have the patches this time.
However, I'm still clean and I have lots and lots to be grateful for. After I get some sleep, I'll hand all this back to HP and he'll think "sheez, this girl just can't get it through her head to leave it up to me!!!!"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I ended up having to close at work tonight, but it was only an hour after I was supposed to get off anyway. J called, said he'd be late. Guess he meant a day or so, since he never made it? I've decided all the guy servers at work are just jerks. P, the one who worked with us today, snapped on me, then later tried to justify why he did it. He thinks he knows everything, wants to be the boss...whatever. I told him I didn't appreciate being snapped on and when I told him not to do something, I didn't want to hear an excuse or an attitude! So there!!
I did remember to get my coat from work and got some Peroxide for Mots's ear. Fully expected to have to hog-tie him to clean his ear...darned cat laid there and purred like crazy, didn't even flinch. He's healing very nicely
I'm off today, plan on sleeping until I wake up! I have all kinds of things that need to be done - stores, school, etc. but at the most, I will finish my essay questions, and not to sure about those. Got to thinking, today, don't know how I will fit in another job with the one I have, the stores every other month, AND school...keep forgetting I'm not superwoman, but going without sleep that little while gave me a good reminder!
I honestly don't know what to do. In the meantime, I just get further into debt, it seems. I will get $400 from dad for the trip but it will be a couple of weeks. I keep trying to tell myself "I have enough" but I would really like to move forward, just a little bit, instead of backward in some stuff. Heck, I just need to buy new socks and a bra...nope, not in the budget.
Sorry, I'm through whining. I'll be fine after some sleep. I quit smoking again, and that's no fun since I don't have the patches this time.
However, I'm still clean and I have lots and lots to be grateful for. After I get some sleep, I'll hand all this back to HP and he'll think "sheez, this girl just can't get it through her head to leave it up to me!!!!"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
When The Time Is Right
December 7
There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
We can get through these times. We can rely on our program and the discipline of recovery. We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. W do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
It is okay to temporarily be with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Let go of anxiety and enjoy life. Relax. Do something fun. Enjoy the love and beauty in your life. Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with solving the problem or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.
Clarity will come. The next step will not last forever.
Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight. I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times. I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord.
When The Time Is Right
December 7
There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
We can get through these times. We can rely on our program and the discipline of recovery. We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. W do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
It is okay to temporarily be with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Let go of anxiety and enjoy life. Relax. Do something fun. Enjoy the love and beauty in your life. Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with solving the problem or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.
Clarity will come. The next step will not last forever.
Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight. I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times. I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Before I began active recovery, I would choose, when I found myself in a place where I felt I had taken a wrong turn, lost my way, or simply did not know what to do next, or basically gotten ahead of myself, to take a step back and wait for guidance before moving forward...I had come to understand intuitively, that there was a reason for me to pause..
Now, I have a deeper understanding...for me, it is about letting go; practicing just being, when I have been charging ahead without being conscious, its about me wanting to get ahead of God...
I think it is the Universe' way of getting us to slow down and take ALL of us with ourselves when we move forward.
now when I get stumped, I know the drill....step back, don't worry, hand it over, and wait for further instructions,
*****
((Annie)) Thank you for your post...so full of love and light!
Your children are beautiful ...
and yes, isn't it a wonderful validation of our recovery when we can reach out to someone else in need and share our recovery with them...
I am happy to hear that you and your family could come together for your daughters concert..good for your son...you are both in my prayers..
(((Amy))) I am glad you are getting some down time
Now, I have a deeper understanding...for me, it is about letting go; practicing just being, when I have been charging ahead without being conscious, its about me wanting to get ahead of God...
I think it is the Universe' way of getting us to slow down and take ALL of us with ourselves when we move forward.
now when I get stumped, I know the drill....step back, don't worry, hand it over, and wait for further instructions,
*****
((Annie)) Thank you for your post...so full of love and light!
Your children are beautiful ...
and yes, isn't it a wonderful validation of our recovery when we can reach out to someone else in need and share our recovery with them...
I am happy to hear that you and your family could come together for your daughters concert..good for your son...you are both in my prayers..
(((Amy))) I am glad you are getting some down time
Last edited by grateful2b; 12-07-2009 at 06:22 AM. Reason: spelling
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I sent a 'venting' email to my dad last night about my urge to drink myself into a stupor. He didn't 'get it' that I was just venting and said he was "angry" that I was "dropping hints" that I'd start drinking again soon. I tried to explain to him that venting such thoughts is healthy for me, sort of airing out my dark thoughts so that they wouldn't have such power over me, but he still doesn't 'get it'.
Woke up in horrible anxiety today. I am going back to bed soon to just 'sleep it away'. For me, sleep is the great escape...
Woke up in horrible anxiety today. I am going back to bed soon to just 'sleep it away'. For me, sleep is the great escape...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. W do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
It is okay to temporarily be with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
Love it. I'm sitting in the middle of a "fight" with my mom, don't have my kids under my roof, don't know if I'm gonna have a job past Wednesday, am struggling with finances and only have a couple of months in me. The old me would have barreled through. Demanding answers, demanding time, demanding apologies.
Today I sit with it. I sit with it and keep doing MY part. This is as temporary as a temporary tattoo.
THANKS for the reading.
It is okay to temporarily be with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
Love it. I'm sitting in the middle of a "fight" with my mom, don't have my kids under my roof, don't know if I'm gonna have a job past Wednesday, am struggling with finances and only have a couple of months in me. The old me would have barreled through. Demanding answers, demanding time, demanding apologies.
Today I sit with it. I sit with it and keep doing MY part. This is as temporary as a temporary tattoo.
THANKS for the reading.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((((Least))))
I am sorry that you Dad is not able to understand and see "you and your recovery clearly...and I am sure as a parent, that he is speaking through his fear, and is simply not able to just listen and support that....heck, most people cannot do that...here on SR we get that in abundance...
Least, I know you are going through a tough PATCH, but things will shift again, they always do...take gentle care of you
I am sorry that you Dad is not able to understand and see "you and your recovery clearly...and I am sure as a parent, that he is speaking through his fear, and is simply not able to just listen and support that....heck, most people cannot do that...here on SR we get that in abundance...
Least, I know you are going through a tough PATCH, but things will shift again, they always do...take gentle care of you
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Posts: 4,555
Hi Soberinwpg, and welcome!
from a fellow canadian(ottawa)
we had the first day of fluffy here today...I can smile because I am ready for it...you guys have probably had some for a bit, eh?
I am glad you have come to our little corner of SR...
from a fellow canadian(ottawa)
we had the first day of fluffy here today...I can smile because I am ready for it...you guys have probably had some for a bit, eh?
I am glad you have come to our little corner of SR...
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