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Codependency And Beyond - Part 10

Old 12-08-2009, 04:12 PM
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Me too, Amy. Of course you're concerned about your Dad, and you're right to put it in god's hands.
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Old 12-08-2009, 07:56 PM
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just wanted to let you all know my comp is not working, I'll check in on room mates when I can=)
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:03 PM
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((((Amy))) Minnesota is home? Where??? Me too! I grew up in the MPLS area..then moved to Green Bay (Im also a cheesehead) for 14 years where I got to shake hands with Brett Favre and Reggie White. My family thought I was a traitor switching allegiance from the Vikings to the "enemy"...but you can't live in Green Bay and not be a cheesehead. I mean..cmon..the people own the team..the town is small...and you see the players walking all over town. It's so family.

And...cheescake and tuna cassarole (in minnesota we called them hot dishes!)...I knew I loved you all for a reason!

(((GOOD LUCK TENA)))
Happy Holidays all!

I do have a problem watching Brett in purple...cuz we made him famous...but anyway...what a small world~!
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:04 PM
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Thanks for letting us know ((Lisa)).

Dad just checked in. He is wide awake and doing fine. He was pretty tickled that I had friends from here praying for him

Brit came home in tears...her shirt was soaked from them. Her and her bf are "broke up for a while". She is upset, but very calm. I told her I was here for her, when she's ready to talk and that I love her. I'm still amazed at the changes in her.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:08 PM
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(((Annie)) - OMG!! Anvil is going to have a fit when she finds out you shook hands with Brett!! I was born in a little town called Blue Earth - down south. Most of my family now lives in the Rochester area. They are all Vikings fans I also have cousins in the UP of Michigan and in Milwaukee.

I had a customer in my restuarant with a familiar accent, and I always "pick up" the accent..we were talking and he pops up with "Michigan" and I said "Minnesota" - it was too funny!!

Small world, huh?!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-09-2009, 06:21 AM
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fixed it already, haha, running off to work XOXOXOXOXOXOX
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:53 AM
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


Asking For Help



December 9


It's okay to ask for help.

One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.

We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.

Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen , or a ride, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask God for what we need from God.

It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long enough and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.

There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that.

It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.

"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it. but I was too ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"

We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.


Today, I will ask for help if I need it - from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly waiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life - the help that makes life simpler. God, help me let go of my need to do everything alone. Help me use the vast Universe or resources available.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:09 AM
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In my family environment, I was very much alone amid the dysfunction and so I learned to rely only on me...

Having very poor self-esteem, being very sensitive and private, and feeling that I had no one, I chose to hide my vulnerability behind a defensive mask...I was too proud to ask for help, it was a sign of weakness, I thought, but underneath I was afraid of rejection...

As the years went by, and I grew into my twenties, I sought therapy, but it wasn't until my late twenties that I learned how to be okay with reaching out and letting people help me.

Now, of course, it is second nature...I know I am strong and capable and asking for help has no connection for me to any lack on my part. It is simply a matter of self-care.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:26 AM
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(((Grateful)) Yes, I was pretty much on my own when I was a kid too...both parents being alcoholic...so I've always been pretty self-reliant
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Old 12-09-2009, 02:02 PM
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Hey Everyone! Working on catching up, but wanted to stop by and say Hi =)

I bought some books on Amazon Sunday and I just received them! I love getting books in the mail =) These are the titles I ordered:

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go (Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics) by John Bradshaw
Believe it, Be It: How Being the Biggest Loser Won Me Back My Life by Ali Vincent

All of these will help me in different facets of my Life I'm working on, emotionally and physically. I'm also reading Dear John by Nicholas Sparks just for fun =)
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Old 12-09-2009, 03:21 PM
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((Mariposa)) - sounds like some great books!!!

((Grateful)) - I've learned one of the simplest things I can ask for is a hug My mom was a "hugger". When the church we belonged to and she worked at gave her a retirement party, they had a skit about her being the "happy hugger".

I've also had to tell dad "I just need some REST!!!" He finally stopped bugging me, if I took a day of rest, realizing that I really DO know what I need and I shouldn't have to ask for a "day off" or demand it.

I'm not cooking again tonight. Dad got a few checks and is taking us all out to eat! Brit was whining..wanted me to take her and I in MY car so she can smoke and crank up the stereo but I told her that was pretty dumb, to take 2 cars for that, and I just don't have the gas. She's already pretty much over it.

Her ex-best friend got beat up last night. She was with some other girls, at 5 a.m.!!! They were drunk and taking xanax, Brooke was talking bad about each of the girls behind their backs, they figured it out and jumped her. She SAYS she "won" but had to go to the hospital today. I am SOOOOOOO glad Brit is not hanging around with her any more. I told her "see? What goes around DOES come back around and you don't have to have anything to do with it! I'm just glad you weren't involved!!" She was here....asleep in her bed.

Dad told me, today, how much he is enjoying all this "good mood" stuff at home. I was doing my stores and got all teary-eyed at my gratitude for my life today

The weatherman must have gotten his meteorology license from K-Mart. Instead of rain and thunderstorms, it was extremely sunny and 68 degrees? He did get the "gusty winds" part right, though.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-09-2009, 03:25 PM
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me again. Here's another "Ralph" I thought was good.

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Go ahead and decide
+++++++++++++++++++

You won't make your decisions easier just by putting them off
until later. When a decision is called for, go ahead and
make it.

If you keep your options open for too long, those options
will no longer be available to you. Choose one option based
on your best information, and go with it.

Give sufficient thought and consideration to your decisions,
but don't drag them on endlessly. The sooner you get started
implementing a decision, the more effective you'll be.

Accept the fact that you won't make a perfect decision every
time. And remember that you'll have opportunities to adjust
your approach if things don't work out the way you planned.

You cannot predict the future yet there is much you can do
to intelligently and effectively prepare for it. Instead of
agonizing over what might or might not happen, get busy
creating value that will be there no matter what happens.

Go ahead and decide. The sooner you decide, the more time
and energy you'll have to make the decision work out the way
you intended.

Ralph Marston
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Old 12-09-2009, 05:56 PM
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Suzi, those are all excellent choices

I haven't read her new redo of Codependent No More for todays generation and I am dying to..

Amy, I am so happy that things are flowing a lot better for you and your family....it is so wonderful that they are responding to your efforts in such a wonderful way...God bless you all...
I am so proud of you...after all you have been through this year, you have dug that much deeper to help your family and I can see the impact you have had on every one of them.

I am thinking about 2010, and what a year it may be for you all..

Thank you for Ralph...oh boy, I used to be such a procrastinator...I would put off facing the things I would struggle with..
After all the work I have done over the years, and after learning how to not take on what is not mine, I enjoy the challenge now of a good puzzle
I have enough confidence now to know that I can sort out whatever comes my way...no need to block because of fear..
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Old 12-09-2009, 06:04 PM
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Got to admit...I have no idea what God's plan is for me today....

My MIL is in the hospital after having a stroke....I went to visit her this morning, and she is vomiting! I tell one of the nurses and ask if the Dr. is still on the floor. He was and came to speak to me. He believes that my MIL had another stroke this morning, but they are not going to do another MRI because know definitively would not change her treatment. He mentioned perhaps arranging for hospice care....

So I had to drive back to the house where Mr. HG was waiting for an electrician to change out the entire electrical panel for the house....and tell him what the doctor told me. I stay at the house (dark with no electricity), and he goes to the hospital to see him mother and try to talk to the doctor. The doctor tells him essentially the same thing. He does not believe my MIL will benefit from extensive PT. In fact, to him it would seem like torturing her to no benefit. I must admit, that I agree.

We hope that if she stabilizes by tomorrow, she will be released to a very nice nursing home. It's unlikely that she will return to her assisted living apartment...much to the chagrin of one of my SIL's. This woman wants her to undergo all sorts of PT to get back to assisted living and states that putting her mother in a nursing home will be "the end". It's going to be hard having her in town because she will refuse to see her mother's real condition.

And.....because we were tired and hungry, Mr. HG and I went to pick up a dinner at our local eatery...I was driving.....a dog came out of the shadows on the side of this little, two-lane road, and I hit it. I immediately stopped, and Mr. HG got out and looked all around for the dog, but could not find it. We went on to pick up dinner, and stopped and looked again on the way back with absolutely no luck.

So, I'm weeping, sad, depressed, trying to call animal rescue and animal control numbers in town and getting no answer. Mr. HG is writing an e-mail to his siblings trying to get them to understand the full story of their mother's condition, and our oven does not work after the electrical work that was done today....I feel like scum of the earth after having to tell Mr. HG about his mother and after hitting that dog, and I just don't know what else to do...
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Old 12-09-2009, 06:19 PM
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ohmygosh ((((((HG)))))))what a difficult day you have had!
I am so sorry about your mil...healing prayers for you and your husband and his family..what a difficult time...having to put a parent in a nursing home is tough enough without her ongoing condition and the unknowns of that..

My heart was in my throat as I read about the dog...that has been truly one of my biggest fears..hasn't happened yet...
you could not have prevented hitting him , it sounds like, and you did look for him twice...and hopefully you have told yourself all of that, but I know, still, it is just awful..I also have known of animals that somehow have escaped injury, and the fact that he ran off is a good sign. Say a prayer for the little guy, and hand him over and try and let yourself off the hook..

would it be possible for you and mr HG to hake a hotel room for the night, get away just the two of you, have a hot bath, whirlpool...and try and let the day go somehow...gentle care for both of you

Last edited by grateful2b; 12-09-2009 at 06:40 PM.
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Old 12-09-2009, 06:43 PM
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Oh, Thank you Grateful.....I have tried to tell myself I did everything I could. Sadly, Mr. HG and I have to head to the nursing home first thing in the a.m. to sign some papers...then off the hospital. So, I'm just going to bed...maybe I'll be able to get some sleep and things will look better tomorrow.
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Old 12-09-2009, 06:47 PM
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nighty-nighty, sleep tight
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:13 PM
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I had a long post, computer went psycho and it's gone.

((HG and Mr. HG)) I'm sorry for the day you've had I can imagine it's even harder when any family member doesn't want to accept the severity of your MIL's illness. Strokes are so hard for people to understand because some people DO get better with therapy...yet some don't. My 36-year-old coworker that had a stroke at work is still paralyzed on his left side and can't speak. Last time I spoke with his wife, she said he was in a "rehab" but when I looked up the address, it is a nursing home

As for the dog, I know it hurts. I'm saying extra prayers for you and the little fella. Even though it wasn't your fault, I know how much something like that hurts.

We had a good time, and I got Brit to take a picture of us with my camera, but I just tried to use photobucket and they've changed it and I can't figure it out. Heck, I can't even get OUT of it, now!

We did have an almost-heated discussion when Brit said she wanted a pit bull puppy. We finally convinced her that she doesn't have the time to put into a puppy. I told her of all the time Anvil went in late to work, came home early, and got up every 2-3 hours EVERY NIGHT FOR WEEKS to housetrain the dog....Brit didn't seem too keen on that, so she's dropped the subject.

She and I were also talking about rich/famous people getting off with crimes and only getting a "slap on the hand" and I explained that some people can afford high-priced lawyers, some have judges "in their pockets", etc. Justice isn't always fair. This led to a conversation about her grandfather and his wife. THEY had a lot of money and power when we fought them for custody and literally put us through the wringer.

Brit never knew the full extent, and I finally told her...I figure she's old enough. She's a bit angry at them, moreso at her "dad's" stepmother, who was the one causing most of the trouble. She had always thought we just made her go see them or her dad...now she knows that we had to do what the court ordered, for a very real fear that we would lose her. She also knows that they put my dad through a pretty bad ordeal at one time.

I'm glad I told her. I think she has more of an appreciation that she has ALWAYS been very wanted and loved, and we fought, desperately for her. She's often said "no one wants me" and now she knows different. Of course, we've ALWAYS wanted her, but now she knows that since she was one year and 2 weeks old, and her mama died, we have fought her grandparents, her dad, and the courts in order to keep her.

I think about those of you who grew up in dysfunctional families and I KNOW my family is dysfunctional, but I'm trying my darndest to give Brit the tools to deal with it in a healthy way.

If I ever figure out how to post the picture, I will.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:26 PM
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(((HG))) Hope you have a good nights sleep and feel better tomorrow, so sorry you had such a rough daysending hugs and prayers...

((Amy)) thankyou for the reading, I am happy for you and your family....
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:49 PM
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(((((HG))))) I'm so sorry honey

I'm having a wee emotional crisis myself today, cried all the way through my meeting. My year is approaching and the spectre of my last drunk haunts me.

Amy, pbrc.com is an excellent resource for potential pit owners to discourage the faint of heart. I have a pit "puppy", and they are notoriously hard to potty train (only dog I have ever had to work with, and she was still near a year before she figured it out). I have rescued probably 2 dozen dogs in the past 20 years, and she is the only dog I have ever had to work on her "mouth" manners and the only one I have had to strenuously socialize. She is the only dog I have who lives on a chain when in the front yard, because they are fantastic fence jumpers, and they scare the cr@p out of people when they do. (she has her own fancy back yard, and prefers the house anyway, dont feel too sorry for her

I am so happy to hear you are deterring her. While our Punkin is the smartest, most comical dog I have ever owned, pit bulls have SUCH a bad rap that you have to be absolutely the most responsible pet owner possible to own one, lest an accident happen and you add to the problem.
In my sig has always run the line "ban the breed, not the deed" as I would surrender my every wordly belonging, my freedom and possibly my life before you would take that dog from me because of ignorance and fear. They are a loving, intelligent breed that deserve so much more than they usually get.
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