CarolD

Hi Everyone.....

I took my advice to Mirage in an earlier post and
I had a fine time today.

My Grandson Steven and I had lunch together
It's rare that we can do that...he now lives in Philly.

We had 2 hours before his flight....caught up on family news
laughed and got serious....laughed some more.

He brought down a lovely note from his wife
pictures of their baby...and new home...yellow roses and
.a birthday card that made me sniffle.

It was...indeed....a special time of mutual appreciation


I hope everyone enjoyed another day of blessings
I'm so grateful to have y'all in my life.

BrixtonBear

Hi everyone!

Sorry haven't posted for a couple of days, haven't had access to internet over the weekend... congratulations Rose, ND and Mirage on your 2 weeks! Fantastic! (Sorry I'm late with the congratulations!)

Hi TB, I wanted to say I really love your picture (the cat playing the guitar) - it's really great! I really love cats too (as well as bears).

Into day 11 today, but a big challenge this evening as it's my work's annual bowling competition, and I'll be surrounded by people drinking alcohol. I'm starting to feel twitchy about it, even though it's still 10 hours away. I wish I could run away.

Thanks, Rose, for something you mentioned in your post, when someone said "I've had my fair share already - like for a normal drinker's lifetime" - I'm going to keep thinking about that this evening at the bowling. Thanks for sharing this!

BrixtonBear

HideorSeek

Hi everyone!

I have come to a decision today. I am really going to try and put a little structure into my days and live with intention. Too often I feel like a tumbleweed, blowing haphazardedly through my day. I love being here (SR), but I am often here for hours...and I feel I have to back off a bit, because there are only so many hours in the day! So in that vein, I'm going to try to limit myself to a little in the a.m. and a little in the p.m. I am torn, believe me, because I do love it here and HATE it when I can't get on, have to catch up on pages and pages, but I feel it's something I at least have to try. I can't figure out if I should live with intention, or live in the "now".....I suppose I need to live somewhere in the middle, as usual.

OceanBound

Hi, everybody. I'm back on my a$$ and to day 1. Withdrawal yesterday was really bad, had to drink some more cuz I couldn't handle it. Better today. Sorry to be such a downer. But I've graduated this thread before, so it's not completely out of reach.

Thanks for listening. Wish me luck!
OB

Asta1

Anything in particular that prompted you to slip? I'm working on 3 1/2 weeks and at times it seems easier and other times I get so angry at the whole situation. Maybe you can help me avoid your pitfall?

I do wish you luck but you know luck isn't going to do it. I DO wish the BEST for you however. Keep trying.

HideorSeek

Welcome back OB! It took me many, many tries to make it past 2 weeks. Like Asta said, the important thing is that you keep trying!

sourgirlSC

Hi everyone. I'm glad to see everyone's good experiences, and OB, don't beat yourself up over it. Just pick yourself up and try again - - you deserve it for you. :ghug3

Today was day 4 for me, and my first day back at work. Physiologically, things seem fine, except that I can feel myself being irritable. Kind of a worse version of PMS, if that makes sense. But thankfully, stopping to say a short prayer and to remind myself that it's my body reacting to lack of alcohol helped.

The biggest thing that I learned today was how much of my drinking was psychological. Very much a "but I feel empty" kind of thing. Even a little bit of a "but the whole night is ahead of me to deal with reality" thing. HideorSeek mentioned feeling like a "tumbleweed" further up, and I think that's sort of a good description for where I'm at. It's like I'm in a house with lots of rooms and I have decided not to go into one of them. But even with all the other doors, I can't figure out which ones to open or how long to spend in each one. Reading. Arts and crafts. TV. The internet. Right now I'm trying to fill time, and maybe that's okay when you're just getting started. But I hope that that part gets better too.

I guess what it comes down to is that I hadn't realized how much time I drank away.

Anyway, much love to you all and my prayers for peace and guidance in our collective journeys.

SG

OceanBound

Not sure this can be of any help but I'll try. I joined SR in April and went almost 4 months w/o booze but my depression (situational, so it's hard to find a solution now) got worse and I couldn't handle my life w/o booze anymore. What followed was over 3 months of almost daily drinking and escalated to drinking almost around the clock. I've been here multiple times, the most I got was 6 days. It's a very supportive thread though so I'm glad to be back.

What I do know is relapse happens way before you pick up. I knew it was coming and did nothing to stop myself. So if you ever start to get "that feeling," do something right away. I wasn't testing myself, I knew I was going back to full-blown abuse. What I didn't know was that very soon I would need to drink not to get the buzz but to go thru the day. Horrible feeling. That's why I'm back (I hope). Turns out I wasn't ready to die. Not like that.

Good luck!

And thanks, HideorSeek and sourgirlSC!
OB

Anna

Hi Sourgirl,

Congratulations on Day 4 and it sounds like you're doing well. When I stopped drinking, I wasn't sure what to do to occupy myself either, and it was hard accepting that I had wasted a few years of my life. You're doing great. Be patient with yourself and things will come together.

And OceanBound, I agree that relapse happens long before you take the drink. I would be mystified when I found myself walking into the liquor store, and it took awhile to figure out that, in my mind, I had allowed myself to go there, that it was an option.

HideorSeek

Hindsight is always 20/20 as we all know...

Sgsc....I think that there are cycles in sobriety...sometimes, we have challenges, sometimes we get to rest. I do know that changing patterns and associations were a battle and when I coupled that with the (often subtle) physical changes, it took everything I had to not cave (yet again). My personal journey involved taking Antabuse, which gave me a period of enforced sobriety which, IMHO, helped me get through that particular period. Somewhere along the way, though, my days ceased to be hours I endured, to ones that I enjoyed. I had choices! Yay! My fear subsided. My antsiness was replaced with excitement about what I could do with all this TIME. One of the "recovery phrases" is "This too shall pass". I'm not sure I "got it" until it happened to me. Feelings that seem to last forever, really don't! We just need patience and perseverance, something this alcoholic was sadly lacking and had to learn by doing.

And OB, I agree that relapse happens b4 we pick up. One thing that happened to me is that I refused to tell anyone that I was close to the edge...probably because I didn't want to be talked out of it and wouldn't have to fess up afterwards. Finally, I realized that I couldn't do it on my own. Surprise, surprise...duh. But honestly, it took me years to realize that alcoholics understand and anything that I thought was uniquely me, wasn't by a long shot. You have made it for months at a time, I know that you can do it again. I like your sig and agree...there are many ways to skin this cat. Isn't it great, though, that we don't have to do it alone????

CarolD

OB......I've been concerned about you
Thanks for checking in and starting fresh.....

My noon meeting was about Expectations
16 of us agreed that we had false expectations
of life......we were driven by the concept of a perfect
problem free existance
When we found that was not the case....we felt like a failure
thus settleing for the blotto of a bottle.

I could sure relate to that....I often felt unimportant when in
truth I was really expecting myself to be Queen of Everything..


Freedom to be "just me" is an awesome experience.
I'm so glad y'all are keeping me company on my journey

CarolD

Something else I just thought of....

out of the 16 of us there ...12 said they were lliars
from an early age. I got my first spanking at
4 for lying

I lied all the time....just to make myself appear important.

No more lying has been an essential part of my recovery.

No more need to crown myself Queen.

Shared with hope it helps someone find their truth.

HideorSeek

Interesting, Carol! When I did my 4th Step (sorry, I know that this isn't an AA thread...but for those that don't know, a 4th is when you honestly recount your resentments and your part in them), expectations were #1 for me. I expected perfection in myself as well as others. So, given we are human, that left me in a constant state of disappointment and failure. Not a pretty picture.

I was actually thinking about this very topic the other day (expectations) and thought...what if I think of things as aspirations? There is a subtle difference for me: One connotes demand, the other, hope. As humans, we have to aspire to goals, etc. A great quote: "Man's reach must always exceed his grasp, else what is heaven for?" But aspirations also imply humility and the recognition that we are only human, and flaws are as integral to our nature as successes. It's a package deal!

BrixtonBear

I didn't make it through yesterday. I got through 10 days, but couldn't get through the 11th. I managed to not drink at the bowling evening, but being around people drinking acted like a trigger and I found myself walking into a supermarket on the way home to pick up some drink, even though I really didn't want to.

I feel so rubbish. Today is a horrible reminder of why I can't drink, I just can't control it. I feel a bit like the "Jekyll and Hyde" character, if I don't drink I am one sort of person, but if I drink then I become a totally different person. I have an important deadline today at work, I really need to be the best "me" I can be, but instead I feel totally rubbish.

Last year, I got to 26 days sober at about this same time, then relapsed and spent nearly all of 2009 drinking daily. I can't let that happen again, I've got to try to pick myself up and get through today without drinking.

I do wish I wasn't so rubbish at recovery, sorry this post is negative but I'll keep trying.

Dean62

Lots of good posts here as usual......but.....what's up with the tumbleweed bashing? Ok just kidding I enjoy reading everything you have to say here Hideorseek. Personally I find being a tumbleweed right now a desirable thing. I am enjoying allowing life to happen around me or life on God's terms as I like to see it. I chose the saying "adjusting my sails" under my name because of a Daily reflections reading not to long ago "I have no control over the wind but I can adjust my sails"....so that's all I'm trying to do right now in my life. I'm not forcing anything or trying to control much of anything other then doing my part and letting God handle the rest of it. God created this place after all not me.

It's interesting in truth however how much taking care of my responsibilities simplifies life as does letting go of what's not my responsibility. I almost feel....organized? I have direction? A purpose? An organized tumbleweed with direction and purpose....I guess this just proves once and for all I have lost my mind.

(((( OB )))) it's so good to see you back here. And your using your experience to help, I agree relapse starts long before we actually pick up a drink. The alcohol is just a formality by the time we pick it up. That is the way I felt when I drank after a year. I knew I was in trouble but just couldn't seem to right myself.
That's pretty much it right there. That seems to be a part of all of us at some point in our lives. I think the problem is we seek a quick fix one shot solution to remove the empty inside feeling when there isn't one. Alcohol was the closest I ever came to finding THE answer. It turns out the solution to that "empty inside" feeling is a lifetime process of growth where every day is a daily reprieve. There is no single one time fix. Each day is an new opportunity for growth.

Enough from me. Congratulations to everyone for another day sober. :ghug2

CarolD

BrixtonBear.....
Good to know you are going to keep moving forward.

Hope you meet that important deadline at work.
I remember working hungover ...I drank so darn much
water and V-8 juice....I sloshed when I walked.
I often wondered if I was the only one who heard it.


Let's both make today one of victory....

HideorSeek

Dean, I wholeheartedly agree with you. It's a matter of balance...isn't it always???!!!! I like your analogy about adjusting sails, but accepting the wind as outside of our control (you put it much better). I have been adjusting my sails....

BB....good for you for being honest. It is difficult, there is no way around that fact. I have often described myself as a better sprinter than a long distance runner. So I understand...no check that...we all do. Just keep trying. It will happen. I wish I could tell you what my turning point was (fingers crossed), but I honestly can't put it into words. Believe me. For Carol, it seemed to be "under the influence", for me, a sense of such indescribable despair, I guess. I had a moment of clarity, that if I did not stop, I would lose everything I loved and I would be totally alone. Maybe my fear was a motivator, I'm not sure. As I said, it is elusive, and I think, different, for everyone. I cannot walk in your shoes, but I can walk beside you (I love that thought...it's of great comfort to ME that YOU are here).

Anna

Fear was definitely a motivator for me.

I knew that I was rapidly losing my husband, my children and my health.

I also knew that I had to find a reason for my life, for being here. I had to reconnect with my spiritual side. I had been so low for so long, it was very hard to get to that point. For me, it was a book "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. I understood that my soul had a purpose in this life. There was a point, and if I could quietly listen, I could find that purpose.

I think sometimes it takes utter despair to be able to have the moment of clarity.

mirage

Brixton...the same thing happened to me when I drank after 14 days. I went to a Halloween party at a BAR...then the next night had people over who drank. I didn't drink either night, but lo and behold on Sunday night...alone...I did. When I looked back on it, I decided those must have been triggers for me, too, even though I didn't partake at the time. Weird. I thought getting through those nights was the victory, but it must have affected me without me really realizing it at the time. Or maybe I just wanted to drink..I dunno...but I can relate to what you're saying.
Hope you're feeling better on this day 1!

HideorSeek

Anna...I think that I must have noted your mention of that book, because I bought it! Now...speaking of coincidences that are not....it seems I'm getting a cosmic poke to read it!!!!