Codependency And Beyond - Part 9
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - I still have a hard time putting MY needs ahead of everyone else's. I think this is one of those things some of us have to really at work at (like me!). When I read your post, I was nodding my head, because I do the same thing...I think about how someone ELSE is going to feel, not even thinking about how I feel.
I am feeling better, so the shot obviously helped. Also, told dad I needed money and he wrote me a check for $50 more than I asked, so I can go into work relaxed and have fun tonight, knowing my car payment AND school can be paid tomorrow and I'll even have a little bit left to put more gas in my car. He was very gracious about it, and I am very grateful.
I realize why the girl at work bugs me so much..part of it is jealousy, I guess. I'm running into the fact that I can't get certain jobs because I'm NOT young, perky and pretty. Also, she and Brit have the same attitude "I'm beautiful and I just have to stand here and charm everyone" although Brit DOES do a good job at work, from what I've heard. This is just something I'm going to have to work on..accepting my age and remembering that the jobs I REALLY want will appreciate my experience and maturity. It's only now, trying to get the "fill-in" jobs that being 48 is hindering me and it won't hinder me as much, if I don't let it.
It's a beautiful day here, over 70 degrees, and I think I'm working with 2 people who are mature..YIPPPEEEEE! The boss is going to be the mgr, but he's actually pretty easy to work with and funny when he's in a good mood. I'm going to spread around my pyxie dust and be Tinkerbell again..tee hee...an old, broken down fairy, but darned if I can't make most of my customers be glad they had me as a server
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am feeling better, so the shot obviously helped. Also, told dad I needed money and he wrote me a check for $50 more than I asked, so I can go into work relaxed and have fun tonight, knowing my car payment AND school can be paid tomorrow and I'll even have a little bit left to put more gas in my car. He was very gracious about it, and I am very grateful.
I realize why the girl at work bugs me so much..part of it is jealousy, I guess. I'm running into the fact that I can't get certain jobs because I'm NOT young, perky and pretty. Also, she and Brit have the same attitude "I'm beautiful and I just have to stand here and charm everyone" although Brit DOES do a good job at work, from what I've heard. This is just something I'm going to have to work on..accepting my age and remembering that the jobs I REALLY want will appreciate my experience and maturity. It's only now, trying to get the "fill-in" jobs that being 48 is hindering me and it won't hinder me as much, if I don't let it.
It's a beautiful day here, over 70 degrees, and I think I'm working with 2 people who are mature..YIPPPEEEEE! The boss is going to be the mgr, but he's actually pretty easy to work with and funny when he's in a good mood. I'm going to spread around my pyxie dust and be Tinkerbell again..tee hee...an old, broken down fairy, but darned if I can't make most of my customers be glad they had me as a server
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I just self diagnosed myself as starting menopause, and I am so ok with it. I have had such a HUGE transformation in my life this past year, it seems only fitting that all of my changes and matures and grows. And you and I both know what ever we lack compared to those youngins, we make up for in so many other ways. I wouldn't trade places with a 19 year old for nothin!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am going to go ahead and say this publicly here...there are so many of us around the same age.
I missed Dec, Jan...ok, stress of divorce moving also involved....fine through June, skip and think it is DONE with for good and then yesterday...it's back.
I always thought it was crazy enough...with the monthly hormonal changes...now,
it is unpredictable.
I slept like a ROCK last night and slept late. YAY. In fact, I haven't turned on my thinker at all.
hugs all!
It is Super Sunday!
I missed Dec, Jan...ok, stress of divorce moving also involved....fine through June, skip and think it is DONE with for good and then yesterday...it's back.
I always thought it was crazy enough...with the monthly hormonal changes...now,
it is unpredictable.
I slept like a ROCK last night and slept late. YAY. In fact, I haven't turned on my thinker at all.
hugs all!
It is Super Sunday!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Grateful)) thankyou for today's reading...it is definitely one of my favorites....It is so important...To stay true to ourselves...I also seem to worry more about how others feel, then about how I feel... but I'm learning..
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl 
Oh you girls are just a bunch of young chicks, I went through menopause a long time ago..
I love this dialogue...
I have been trying to make friends with my body for a while now...trying to make peace with the picture of who I should be and who I see when I step in front of a mirror.
At one point I said, ok, now that my life is mine again, I am going to get fit and get back down to my healthy weight...
At this point, my desire is to find my 'happy with me' weight...I have lost 30 lbs, and that is good, and I may lose 10 more...
Looking at why I needed/wanted to lose weight was a good exercise for me. I realized getting to that 125 weight was more about what I thought I had to look like to be okay...wasn't as important or as necessary as being happy and healthy in my own skin....So I did struggle with that a bit, and I decided to just let go of that outdated picture because it did not fit with who I am "inside" anymore, I just did not realize it...I made the steps, spiritually and emotionally but my ego was a little slow..lol...
So guess what, my new healthy weight is probably more like 140-150...
This is from Germaine Greer's book: The Whole Woman . I love this part:
You only begin to discover , the difference between who you really are, your real self and your appearance, when you get a bit older. A whole dimension of life slides away and you realize that in fact what you have been using to get attention has been what you look like.....It's a biological thing and its totally impersonal. ...It really is a most salutary and fascinating thing to go through, shedding it all... Growing old is really extraordinarily interesting...
I really have been enjoying that last 20 years more than literally the rest of my life with all of the changes I have been through and finally coming into my own in all ways...I was a late bloomer, I am 61...and I really would not want to be another age, truly...except that I would love to give away my fibro and lousy discs...lol..
As a woman, this is my time of restoration, of me to myself...
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I never would have pegged you for 60, I always thought you were my age (43), interesting. I havent had regular periods, or really any to speak of in a year, but that is the iud (mirena). I have had some problem with reoccurring utis this last 6 months and I havent had those since we discovered bubble bath was a no no when I was 10. I was sitting in a meeting a few days ago though, and my face got really hot. I went and looked in a mirror, and I was bright red. Anyway, thats what I am guessing. My mom went through it early, it took her forever to adjust, and not many of her friends were around when she was done. I hope to be a softer gentler maniac, thanks in no small part to ya'll=)
I love thinking back to the unfolding of the last few years that led me here. I went from 220 pounds (I am 5'1" on tip toes) to 175 living with gramps(I have lost another 10-15 since quitting drinking). It was a huge time of reclaiming bits of me, although I had not yet found recovery. I believe there was a reason I got more physically fit first. When grampa past (or is it passed?) I started my job, walking ~10 miles a day, and that is when I had to quit smoking weed and taking non script meds so I could pass random employment drug screens(neither of those were a huge issue, but would have surely replaced alcohol in my early sobriety if not for the job). Its been a year coming up soon that I got that job. A month after getting the job was "the night of the fall", when I hit my bottom.
So, without moving to grampas, I wouldnt have lost the weight then. Without losing the weight, I would have failed at my job. Without my job, I would have failed at sobriety, and without my sobriety and you all, my life would still be totally out of control and unmanageable.
amazing journey this!
I love thinking back to the unfolding of the last few years that led me here. I went from 220 pounds (I am 5'1" on tip toes) to 175 living with gramps(I have lost another 10-15 since quitting drinking). It was a huge time of reclaiming bits of me, although I had not yet found recovery. I believe there was a reason I got more physically fit first. When grampa past (or is it passed?) I started my job, walking ~10 miles a day, and that is when I had to quit smoking weed and taking non script meds so I could pass random employment drug screens(neither of those were a huge issue, but would have surely replaced alcohol in my early sobriety if not for the job). Its been a year coming up soon that I got that job. A month after getting the job was "the night of the fall", when I hit my bottom.
So, without moving to grampas, I wouldnt have lost the weight then. Without losing the weight, I would have failed at my job. Without my job, I would have failed at sobriety, and without my sobriety and you all, my life would still be totally out of control and unmanageable.
amazing journey this!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
OMG, this thread moves so fast! I want to respond to all the posts but can't seem to keep up =(
Today's reading...so hard for me to do! Honestly I don't even know who I am half the time. Aside from a Wife and Mother, what the heck am I? You'd think at 32 years old I'd know, but specially lately I seem more lost than ever. Something happened this weekend that really threw me off my axis, made me see how I must have looked when I was in full blow addiction. It also made me realize that unless I hit therapy or meetings a relapse is inevitable. I've found myself thinking "What's the point" so many times in the last few months. I'm petrified of going to a meeting, petrified of what will happen if I don't.
Today's reading...so hard for me to do! Honestly I don't even know who I am half the time. Aside from a Wife and Mother, what the heck am I? You'd think at 32 years old I'd know, but specially lately I seem more lost than ever. Something happened this weekend that really threw me off my axis, made me see how I must have looked when I was in full blow addiction. It also made me realize that unless I hit therapy or meetings a relapse is inevitable. I've found myself thinking "What's the point" so many times in the last few months. I'm petrified of going to a meeting, petrified of what will happen if I don't.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
I have been hitting a lot more meetings lately and sometimes I feel pretty scared when I first walk in but I always feel better after the meeting...
As far as feelings go...... I often spill them out to fast....then they change but sometimes the damage is already done. I think I need to sit with them for awhile or talk to other people first...
Be Well
As far as feelings go...... I often spill them out to fast....then they change but sometimes the damage is already done. I think I need to sit with them for awhile or talk to other people first...
Be Well
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Codie))) all that matters is that you speak from your heart. When I felt nervous before It was my turn to speak I would say a little prayer for help...sometimes I would just say I would just like to listen and that was ok too.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Accepting Love
November 9
Many of us have worked so hard too make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates an illusion of a relationship when in fact there is no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
We can let it go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
Accepting Love
November 9
Many of us have worked so hard too make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates an illusion of a relationship when in fact there is no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
We can let it go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Although I'd already figured it out, today's reading re-emphasizes the fact that the 3 "relationships" I've had weren't really relationships...I put all the work into them, while the A's contributed when it was convenient. The most damaging, of course, was the first relationship, lasting more than 20 years.
Guess what? I had a good night at work We got slammed...running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I worked with J, the new guy and C, a lady from 1st shift who's only a couple years younger than I. There was NO bickering, greediness...we were a perfect team and just did what needed to be done. C and I both commented, though, that we truly hope were weren't "secretly shopped" as we were both "off" and were forgetting stuff.
I even have more good news. Can't remember if I told you a major trucking company contacted dad about him working for them. They got his name from someone he does work for. They also needed someone with a duelly and a flatbed, and we have a friend who has this. They are to meet the guy on Wed.
Well, he was talking with the guy this morning and I heard him mention me. Dad has to get a blackberry, which cracks me up, because dad is a cell phone techno-amateur...he would be perfectly happy with a phone that doesn't do anything but call out, get calls, and maybe have an alarm clock. They are going to program his laptop and said he needs someone to be able to do his computer work and that would be ME! So, I will also be going to the meeting.
This way, I can get back to feeling like I'm contributing to the household again which is a huge relief. There may be occasional trips I can take in my car, or long trips (if they fall on my days off) I can help dad drive on.
The guy told dad there was enough work, he could conceivably stay busy 24/7, and he would venture to say within 40 days, he'll be looking for additional drivers. Too bad I don't have an extra $36,000 to get a van....this would take care of my money issues until I got out of school!
I'm really happy for dad...he's been struggling a long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Guess what? I had a good night at work
We got slammed...running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I worked with J, the new guy and C, a lady from 1st shift who's only a couple years younger than I. There was NO bickering, greediness...we were a perfect team and just did what needed to be done. C and I both commented, though, that we truly hope were weren't "secretly shopped" as we were both "off" and were forgetting stuff.I even have more good news. Can't remember if I told you a major trucking company contacted dad about him working for them. They got his name from someone he does work for. They also needed someone with a duelly and a flatbed, and we have a friend who has this. They are to meet the guy on Wed.
Well, he was talking with the guy this morning and I heard him mention me. Dad has to get a blackberry, which cracks me up, because dad is a cell phone techno-amateur...he would be perfectly happy with a phone that doesn't do anything but call out, get calls, and maybe have an alarm clock. They are going to program his laptop and said he needs someone to be able to do his computer work and that would be ME! So, I will also be going to the meeting.
This way, I can get back to feeling like I'm contributing to the household again which is a huge relief. There may be occasional trips I can take in my car, or long trips (if they fall on my days off) I can help dad drive on.
The guy told dad there was enough work, he could conceivably stay busy 24/7, and he would venture to say within 40 days, he'll be looking for additional drivers. Too bad I don't have an extra $36,000 to get a van....this would take care of my money issues until I got out of school!
I'm really happy for dad...he's been struggling a long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
This is an upbeat "Ralph" to remind us all of how far we've come, even if we don't think so!
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Monday, November 9, 2009
To get where you are
+++++++++++++++++++
Consider how very far you've come. Think of all the value
you've created and all the progress you've made.
Through the minutes and the hours, with all the days, months
and years, there is so much you've already done. There can
be no doubt that you've made it this far.
Now, you have the opportunity to keep going. Now, you can
build upon the positive momentum that you've worked so hard
to establish.
You are well experienced at getting things done. Imagine
what you can now do with that valuable experience.
Though the challenges may be great, you've proved that you
have the strength and ability to move successfully through
them all. And as you have already experienced, there are
great rewards on the other side of those challenges.
You've done much to get where you are. Now those same skills
of achievement will take you wherever you wish to go.
Ralph Marston
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Monday, November 9, 2009
To get where you are
+++++++++++++++++++
Consider how very far you've come. Think of all the value
you've created and all the progress you've made.
Through the minutes and the hours, with all the days, months
and years, there is so much you've already done. There can
be no doubt that you've made it this far.
Now, you have the opportunity to keep going. Now, you can
build upon the positive momentum that you've worked so hard
to establish.
You are well experienced at getting things done. Imagine
what you can now do with that valuable experience.
Though the challenges may be great, you've proved that you
have the strength and ability to move successfully through
them all. And as you have already experienced, there are
great rewards on the other side of those challenges.
You've done much to get where you are. Now those same skills
of achievement will take you wherever you wish to go.
Ralph Marston
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet
I never would have pegged you for 60, I always thought you were my age (43), interesting.
((Kendra)) I always struggled that way too....always shared way more than needed because I was so nervous, not sure of myself, and also a little shy..
Mariposa, I think when we are in the process and allowing ourselves to be more open to it, we are more vulnerable, things are shifting and we are moving, even though sometimes we feel stuck. It is at those times when we feel the most lost that we are the most open to changes from within or a breakthrough.
Hang in there, I think you are right on track, just keep moving forward..
((Anna)), how are you and Miko doing?
Tena, housecleaning-inbox!!...lol...
((Amy)), that is such good news about your Dad!! I hope it means some money for you too...thank you so much for "Ralph"
Last edited by grateful2b; 11-09-2009 at 09:17 AM.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
I don't really have issues with sharing my feelings in the meetings unless it's a very painful subject. I often puke my feelings to the people that are close to me... Maybe even hurting them...and in a few hours I might feel differently. 
The reading was really good for me. I all to often when it comes to romantic relationships... give way to much... Try to control to much... Always fearful of just letting to take its course and just be what it needs to be. This is something I'm working on.
The reading was really good for me. I all to often when it comes to romantic relationships... give way to much... Try to control to much... Always fearful of just letting to take its course and just be what it needs to be. This is something I'm working on.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Age is a funny thing, isn't it. Every now and then when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think 'Wow, who is that old lady?' 
And, the women I work with are all really young, in their twenties, and I figured they would see them as a mother figure, but, I think some of them see me as a grandmother figure!! But, it's all good.
Codie, your comment about puking your feelings to those near you, hit home with me. I used to feel an uncontrollable urge to say whatever was on my mind. Thankfully, I have learned to stop and think a little bit before I open my mouth.
Ah, life with Miko...so far it's been quiet. We've had him checked by the vet and he's healthy. Interestly, he is the most sweet, loving boy 95% of the time. We are doing pheromone therapy which puts 'happy cat' feelings into the air. I am rubbing amitriptyline cream on the inside of his ear every day. And, I am praying that things will settle down. As Grateful expressed to me, PTSD is like standing in quick sand. I know this is not resolved, but I am trying to focus on the positive.
And, the women I work with are all really young, in their twenties, and I figured they would see them as a mother figure, but, I think some of them see me as a grandmother figure!! But, it's all good.Codie, your comment about puking your feelings to those near you, hit home with me. I used to feel an uncontrollable urge to say whatever was on my mind. Thankfully, I have learned to stop and think a little bit before I open my mouth.
Ah, life with Miko...so far it's been quiet. We've had him checked by the vet and he's healthy. Interestly, he is the most sweet, loving boy 95% of the time. We are doing pheromone therapy which puts 'happy cat' feelings into the air. I am rubbing amitriptyline cream on the inside of his ear every day. And, I am praying that things will settle down. As Grateful expressed to me, PTSD is like standing in quick sand. I know this is not resolved, but I am trying to focus on the positive.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
AMY!!!!!!!!
Let's do the SNOOPY dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All right, all right, all right...LOL, yes, I confess I only drop a couple of pms when I think I need to....and that is all I am going to do now...but SOON I really will go through all. Um...let's set a goal..say by the end of this year? For New Years, I will start it fresh!
in a hurry now...
Let's do the SNOOPY dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All right, all right, all right...LOL, yes, I confess I only drop a couple of pms when I think I need to....and that is all I am going to do now...but SOON I really will go through all. Um...let's set a goal..say by the end of this year? For New Years, I will start it fresh!
in a hurry now...
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