SerenityGirl

Hi Brae, Welcome. So glad you have joined us here. The book codependent no more has been alot of help for me. I'm not sure what advice I can give you about your situation, maybe someone else has some ideas. All I know is that things don't change overnight, it has been a very gradual process for me learning about my codiness and trying to make changes. But I feel more hopeful now that I understand what has been wrong with me, and things are getting better. My circumstances or people in my life haven't necessarily changed but how I deal with things are changing. I am not so much letting others control me, I am learning to stand up for myself now. I don't know if anything I am saying is helpful or not. I have got so much help from being here on SR, and you will too.

Gypsy Feet

I just left my ex last week. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own feelings. Do things for yourself, not because of how you expect or hope him to react. And know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and joy to be found all around us.

The friends and family forums has lots of support as well.

Impurrfect

Welcome ((Brae))!

I never went through a divorce, but the relationship I realized I was such a codie in lasted over 20 years. You've gotten some great advice from both ((SG)) and ((Gypsy)).

There were so many things I read about that I associated with, I wanted to change everything at once, but it doesn't work that way, or at least not for most people I know. For me, it started out with being aware of when I was reacting in a codie way. That's a pretty big baby step (if that makes sense). Once we become aware, then we can start to make the changes.

The other thing I can think of as you start this path is just to realize that it is not like a class we learn, graduate and are done with (oh, I wish!!!). Just as soon as I think I've made some great progress, something else pops up and I've got another lesson to learn, but as we walk along this path of codie- recovery, we make friends, we take steps forward, stumble back a few times, get back up and keep on going and we see that we deserve to be happy and to take care of ourselves and we get better and better at it, and we share it with others.

And speaking of stumbling...I'm struggling to not let fear overtake me. It's not just me, it's everyone at work. We have what we call MWD...minimum wage differential, which is what the company has to pay servers if our tips plus our hourly pay (which is pitiful) does not equal minimum wage. My boss had sworn, months ago he would NEVER pay it, indicating that if a server couldn't get good enough tips to equal minimum wage, they were sorry and needed to be fired.

Of course, at the time, I told him he had too many servers on the floor, he WOULD be paying it, it was a federal law, and I'd like to see him get out of paying THAT, as I walked out the door!

So, I walked upon a conversation hearing "Amy's in MWD" and I automatically think "I'm going to lose my job" since he's already trying to cut my hours to almost nothing. Come to find out, our ENTIRE SHIFT is in MWD, which only means my prediction was right, but also that business is horrible. Everyone's hours have been cut. My favorite shakemaker, who makes us all laugh, always saying "it's okay" in his gorgeous accent is walking around glum and is looking for a 3rd job.

Dad told me, tonight that he would get the cats their food and treats tomorrow on the way home from his trip. I feel horrible because that's MY bill. I know, I know...I do the same for him when he's running low, but it's just how I feel.

I did have something good happen. Two ladies came in with 2 little girls (toddlers) and a tiny baby. Come to find out the baby was 4 DAYS old, big sister almost 2, and the other one just turned 2....Adriana and Claire, baby was Hope.

I had a blast with the 2-year-olds, gladly played with them and got them stickers and more french fries. The new mom had just driven in from SC! I was trying to get Adriana to let me hold her, as she was giving her mom fits, (forgetting I shouldn't be holding heavy things) and she said "no", so Claire wanted to be held. As soon as I picked up Claire, Adriana said "I hold you" and reached up her arms for me to hold her and I did. That lasted about 2 minutes until I realized that wasn't a good thing for me, so I put them down and we placed chase.

I told their moms, when they left, "thank you for making my night with your daughters". Before they left, another mom came in with a 2-month-old, cute little bow in what hair she had, also named Claire, grinned at me as soon as I talked to her. Thank God for little girls.

I work tomorrow night, Tue. is finish the damn essay questions I've been putting off so I can get the books for the next semester and get going on those. I have to remember so many people have it worse than I do, and I WILL be okay.

I told ((HG)) you all are my lifesavers...don't know what I'd do without you!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Seren

(((SG))) I read (((Mariposa)))'s post and thought of that IN Between reading, too!!! I'm so glad you put that up!

Live, I love your attitude. You always have such enthusiasm for life, and I want to learn how to do that!!!! Someday....I'm workin' on it!

(((Brae))) welcome! I am codependent and I am divorced. Actually, SGs reading about being a martyr is a good one to remember. I had a huge problem in that I took on all the blame for the divorce (even though my ex was unfaithful and started the proceedings). Don't allow yourself to fall into the mindset that you are to blame for it all. It takes two to tango. Take good care of yourself, keep yourself busy with little things in which you find joy! Do you like to paint, sing, sew, read, ride your bike, go for walks? Anything that will occupy you physically and mentally is good! Get enough sleep, eat healthy food, be good to yourself.

(((((((Kevin))))))) be good to yourself!

Dee, you are my favorite "muppet" character! (Well, OK, I like "Beaker", too!--but I am a science dork after all)

Lisa, how are the new digs and new job workin' out? Do tell!

(((((((Amy)))))))) You know codie prayers are the best! I'm praying for the new job all the time!!!! Glad to hear you had at least a fun night at work. The pundits keep saying that the "economy is beginning to turn around". Don't know what they are using as a yard stick, but OK. See, as an old lady grad student, I don't have to deal with the real world just yet!!!!

Least, Anna :ghug2

Hugs and prayers to all! HG

least

After paying for pizza for dk (defiant kid) last night she proceeded to lambast me, screaming and swearing at me for not putting our upstairs ac unit in HER room. (it's hot in there) I can't do as she demands and her demands are wearing me out. It doesn't matter what I do for her, she always wants more more more. I'm sick of being regarded as her servant and sick of her abusive treatment of me. The way I feel right now... I'd be happy if I never saw her again... and I feel guilty as hell for feeling this way about my own kid...

I'm sick of feeling so divided and unhappy and verbally abused by this kid. There seems to be no solution to this mess...

SerenityGirl

(((Least)) I know exactly where your coming from with your daughter. My youngest has always been head strong and has to have her own way, she is now in her thirties, so I'm warning you that it won't stop till you do things different. Just months ago, my daughter phone and was talking to me very disrespectful with a demanding attitude, I told her YOU are NOT going to talk like that with me anymore, I had had it with her, I have been giving into her since she was little and she controlled me, she would use guilt, like If I were a good mother type of thing. Since then it's alot better. I still have to deal with things as they come up, but now I have some codie skills. I have to tell you that its because of this thread that I come to my senses, especially with Gratefuls' help.
So there is hope, please don't wait as long as I did, it will save you alot of heartache. I have been controlled by guilt all my life, starting with my Mother. I know its ok to take care of myself now and it's not Selfish...

least

It takes all my willpower not to slap her face when she gets like that... There is no "enforcing" of rules with her, she does as she wants. I'm living in hell here and there seems to be no way out.

SerenityGirl

You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

August 17

HEALING THOUGHTS

Think healing thoughts.
When you feel anger or resentment, ask God to help you feel it, learn from it, and then release it. Ask Him to bless those who you feel anger toward.
Ask Him to bless you too.
When you feel fear, ask Him to take it from you. When you feel misery, force gratitude. When you feel deprived, know that there is enough.
When you feel ashamed, reassure yourself that who you are is okay. You are good enough.
When you doubt your timing or your present position in life, assure yourself that all is well; you are right where you're meant to be. Reassure yourself that others are too.
When you ponder the future, tell yourself that it will be good. When you look back at the past, relinquish regrets.
When you notice problems, affirm there will be a timely solution and a gift from the problem.
When you resist feelings or thoughts, practice acceptance.
When you feel discomfort, know it will pass. When you identify a want or a need, tell yourself it will be met.
When you worry about those you love, ask God to protect and care for them. When you worry about yourself, ask Him to do the same.
When you think about others, think love. When you think about yourself, think love.
Then watch your thoughts transform reality.

Today, I will think healing thoughts.

SerenityGirl

I just love today's reading, it pretty well covers everything for me. During the night I was feeling fear, and I asked God to take it from me. It's not totally gone yet, but I feel alot better already and I know it will pass. Also when I am worried about my kids, I ask God to protect and care for them, then I can let it go.

HUGS Everyone!!!!!

SerenityGirl

(((Least)) It will be ok, it must feel overwhelming right now. It's easier for me because I don't live with my daughter. I know I was afraid to say no to her because she always freaked out. But I wish I would have said no more, a just let her rant and rave. Just walk away when she is like that, I know it will take time for things to change, it won't happen overnight. Just take it a day at a time.

Impurrfect

I love today's reading...have ready it through several times!!!

((Least)) My niece Brit acts the same way toward my stepmom, who is her guardian and basically, her "mama" (Brit's mom died in a car wreck when Brit had just turned 1). It also causes problems with my dad, and I am usually the one coming between everyone to break up the fights.

The only person she DOESN'T act that way with is me, and it's only because of what I've learned here at SR, first on the F&F forum, then on this thread. I started out with totally ignoring her when she acted out. I didn't think it would make a difference to her, but it did. I'm sure it's different for each kid, but basically, with Brit, when I stopped reacting to her in the way I always had, things started changing. It's the old...nothing changes if nothing changes.

And yes, Brit could "guilt me" about my using if she wanted to. I was living here when I relasped and she was FURIOUS at what I put my dad through. However, I guess we've had enough talks about drugs and alcohol that she's never held that against me because she's seen me work too hard on my recovery. PLUS, she now knows that if she WANTS respect from me, she needs to GIVE respect to me.

It took a while for us to get to this point, and it certainly didn't happen overnight, but I am eternally grateful for the people here who helped me get to this point. Now, if I could just get both Brit and I through our "hormotional" weeks without wanting to kill each other, we'll be okay.

I'll be getting ready for work in just a bit. Today, I'm in my "numb" mood, and I guess that's okay. It's rather strange, being on an emotional rollercoaster all by yourself. I understand it when your involved in a relationship but this is just me. Well, I guess not..it's me and my job.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Mariposa18

Just wanted to say I love you guys~ God Bless you all =)

SerenityGirl

(((Mariposa))

Live

I spent yesterday on healing!

Thoroughly cleaned bathroom and the results are very nice.
Gave David a body massage, shared a hot bath, had quality bath sheets in the dryer so they would be warm to dry with, used candlelight and aromas and put on clean sheets.
Also taught him a guided imagery relaxation excercise
He called it being pampered..however, I think I reaped the greater benefit as I pampered myself at the same time and also practiced a spiritual "mindfulness" which I have neglected far too long.
A wonderful Sabbath!
Have done some sprititual readings this morning and did some writing on it.
I slept well and feel quite serene, peaceful and satisfied...my back is a little sore...but I know what to do about that.
And I have dinner (or the start of one) in the slow cooker.
Actually, yesterday I declared that today would be MY Sabbath (literally a day set aside)...aside from the slow pace of the day and reading and writing, I am not sure how I will spend the rest of the day,...that remains to be seen.

hugs,
live

SerenityGirl

((Live)) Sounds like you had a wonderful day!!!! Good for you!! I guess I have been married too long, My H and I get excited when we get to watch Survivor or America's got talent and eat popcorn...lol

Sweets79

Hi,

I wasn't sure exactly where to post this, but I think this would be an appropriate spot.

The more I've been reading the more I am understanding codependency and aknowledging that it's something that has affected my life thus far, and still is actually. I know my mother is codependent aswell.

Tonight I am trying very hard not to let her mood affect me. My father is an alcoholic and quits for a month, then goes right back. So his month is up and now he's starting in again. He yelled at her for some stupid reason and now she is in a horrible mood, nasty to me and sounded utterly disgusted. I understand that she could have left him years ago and did not. There's no point in going over the past I suppose. Now is now, and she is still being tortured by this alcoholic.

I am having a hard time not picking up on her mood. Whenever she is upset like this, I feel bad for her. I feel so bad that it can ruin my mood, even if I am in a good one. I tell myself that it's not my life, I didn't cause the situation and I can't fix it, but that's really not helping me cope. I wish I had some ways of blocking these feelings out. I guess it's normal to feel bad for her, but my night shouldn't be ruined because of it.

What are some ways you deal with not letting other people's moods/actions affect you? Especially people you love dearly and are close to. And have you found in time, once you realized your codependency , that this dissapated? I am aware now of why I feel like this, but changing it seems to be the problem. I just don't know how.

Live

I am high maintenance! LMAO And a hedonist (gourmet of pleasure)!
Honestly, my XH and I were still in the bathtub together after 17 years! He would phone me when he got in the office and ask if I needed him to bring anything from town and I would start the tub and that is where we had our time to chat before dinner. So, it has taken me about 15 years to find a man who was willling to get in a bathtub! The others just don't know what they were missing with their macho and insisting on showers!
But even alone there are the tricks such as the hot towel from the dryer etc that feel special, we can always buy a massage...mmmmmmmmmmmm

HG, thanks, I think I am a kid that never grew up. It worries my parents.

Actually it is related to the lovely quote from Gibran (my favorite!) that Brae has. Mr Gibran teaches that our depth is equal to the sorrow and the joy, which are the same in depth, of our experience.
Without tragedy, sorrow and depression, I doubt I would enjoy life's pleasures as fully.
I do not forget that recently past I was torn with sorrow and heartbreak over the end of my marriage. This makes the joy of a new and unexpected, unsought for love all that much more poignant and cherished. It's a gift of the present.

Least, my thoughts are with you. I know you have been having a terrible time with your daughter for some time now. I wish I could think of something helpful to say but I don't have anything.
Both my children broke my heart, albeit in different ways, in their teen years.
It was hell on me and because I so wanted to be a good parent, it was torture...as I watched them suffer and mess up and defy me, the one who wanted the best for them and wanted their love and happiness, more than my own. I felt like I was living a nightmare! hmmmmmmmmm, maybe I was! I let myself go and became very depressed, I hope you will take far better care of yourself in these circumstances than I did. (hindsight!)

Amy, Ms. Uber-responsible, poke, poke , soon as you are able why I prescribe that you take yourself out dancing! I haven't heard you having FUN in quite awhile. Even God took the 7th day off!

Geez, I went to lay down for a wee bit and fell rock hard asleep. Didn't mean to do that!
It is related to the latest adjustment of my meds. While I was asleep, Himself went to the grocery, then woke me..as I came to wide and wild eyed wondering who he was, who I was and what world and time I was in...asking what to put in the slow cooker with the meat and juices I had started....mumble, mumble....I was dreaming that I was in labor giving birth with an XBF....!!!!.....was I startled awake or what!!! GUFFAW! I know I gave him that WHO ARE YOU?! look! LMAO Think it was my lower back ache acting out in my dreams????
Okey-dokey, I think I will just shuffle on into the kitchen and dump a bunch of vegetables and some bay leaf in the pot.

Live

Sweets, not ignoring your post but something just too funny just happened!

Okay, so I was going to tell him what I was dreaming, I got as far as: well, my lower back has been hurting so in my dream I was dreaming that I was in labor and delivery gving birth....and he did a little jig and grinned and started singing gloating that he had got me pregnant. I laughed.
Went in and turned the pot of stuff into vegetable soup and made myself a pbj, that should stick my mouth shut!!!!
Grin.

Live

Sweets, we are taught we need to learn to detach.
I don't know how others do this.
With me it depends upon who the person is, who they are to me, are they in the same house or job..where I am around them and etc.
For me, I come here and hang out at SR or I go read a book, call someone who is fun,...basically I change my circumstances because I am not strong enough to be in the middle of the storm and not be touched by it.
People like Amy who live in the middle of things just dismay me!
I am sure others will be along soon with some helpful replies.
hugs,
live

Live

me again!
So, he comes in and I tell him that the veg soup won't really be ready for a long while and I have just had a pbj, "do you want one?" I ask. He says sure and starts to turn around and go back to his computer games...I quick hand him my plate and tell him there is bread and peanut butter still out in the kitchen. When he goes into the kitchen, I ask him to bring me my caffeine-free coke. LOL