Members with less than 2 weeks -Part 9
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Appleton, Wisconsin
Posts: 17
I have one week today. Gave up drinking last Saturday; I was extremely tired for the first 3-4 days but seem to be gaining a little more energy in recent days.
It feels good to get a good night's sleep. At this point, I am taking great pleasure in going to sleep sober and at peace with myself and waking up without a hangover. I like being able to eat a decent breakfast and look forward to a day without the physical pain.
I keep telling myself "I don't ever have to feel that way again" and it's working thus far. I was very tempted to go out and buy a case yesterday, but I nipped that in the bud.
Right now, it's the physical relief, but I do realize for the long-term I need to look beyond and recognize the triggers, understand why I drink, etc. or I will truly never get better. But damn, does it feel good to experience all senses of life again and not be numb. I'll take solace in that today.
Brad
It feels good to get a good night's sleep. At this point, I am taking great pleasure in going to sleep sober and at peace with myself and waking up without a hangover. I like being able to eat a decent breakfast and look forward to a day without the physical pain.
I keep telling myself "I don't ever have to feel that way again" and it's working thus far. I was very tempted to go out and buy a case yesterday, but I nipped that in the bud.
Right now, it's the physical relief, but I do realize for the long-term I need to look beyond and recognize the triggers, understand why I drink, etc. or I will truly never get better. But damn, does it feel good to experience all senses of life again and not be numb. I'll take solace in that today.
Brad
being me
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 252
Welcome Brad!
I can absolutely relate to not wanting to be numb to life anymore. Congratulations on your week!
I can't add much more wisdom to the discussion about relapse, except to say that I am glad I have kept coming back. I have put away my thoughts about needing to be perfect and am happy today to just be me.
My sister is in town and I am going to dinner tonight with her and my niece. She can be really annoying, but I haven't drank with her at all during the few times I saw her in the last year, so I guess I have won over that temptation and will do it again. I would rather be sober and present to the annoying conversation than say things I will regret when drunk.
I can absolutely relate to not wanting to be numb to life anymore. Congratulations on your week!
I can't add much more wisdom to the discussion about relapse, except to say that I am glad I have kept coming back. I have put away my thoughts about needing to be perfect and am happy today to just be me.
My sister is in town and I am going to dinner tonight with her and my niece. She can be really annoying, but I haven't drank with her at all during the few times I saw her in the last year, so I guess I have won over that temptation and will do it again. I would rather be sober and present to the annoying conversation than say things I will regret when drunk.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by grrrr 
I have put away my thoughts about needing to be perfect and am happy today to just be me.
Welcome to SR Brad. Identifying triggers is a good idea, understanding why they are triggers is helpful in taking away there power as well. I couldn't avoid all of mine so understanding what it was about them has helped me to find a little peace of mind.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: far away from the ocean
Posts: 376
Originally Posted by grrrr
I can absolutely relate to not wanting to be numb to life anymore.
Hungover again, predictably.
OB
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Yes OB if you still want to be numb then that is a huge problem with staying sober. I expect that since you are here there is a part of you however that wants to be sober as well or at least is tired of the consequences of drinking. We all reach that point when we both want to stop and don't want to stop both at the same time.
Many people say we don't stop until we are ready and you may not be even though part of you is ready. You can begin to look at and work on why it is you want to be numb right now whether you stop drinking or not. Of course when your mind is being altered by alcohol it is more difficult to reach a solution. Ultimately 100% abstinence is necessary for the growth we need to become healthy again but healthy growth is a process and you can start now by looking at the real problem underneath your drinking.
I hope everyone here has a nice sober Sunday.
Many people say we don't stop until we are ready and you may not be even though part of you is ready. You can begin to look at and work on why it is you want to be numb right now whether you stop drinking or not. Of course when your mind is being altered by alcohol it is more difficult to reach a solution. Ultimately 100% abstinence is necessary for the growth we need to become healthy again but healthy growth is a process and you can start now by looking at the real problem underneath your drinking.
I hope everyone here has a nice sober Sunday.
being me
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 252
Originally Posted by Dean62
I would rather be happy then right.
Hey OB, Knowing where you're at is important. It shows what you need to change if you want to be sober. And why you are choosing not to be sober. I understand how you are feeling because that is what got me into the drugs and kept me drinking/smoking many times over the years. I hope you get a chance to talk to someone about what is making you want to check out so that checking in seems more appealing.
Hey folks, I will graduate this thread today! I really like the support here, so I probably won't really leave. lol I am still in early sobriety and will be struggling with the same issues tomorrow as I am today. Thanks everyone! Dean, it is great to get the perspective at your stage and of course Carol for continuing to welcome me back here no matter what.
:ghug2
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
And yet, I find myself somewhere in the middle of this debate...
I want to be numb, and I want to be not numb--but all the way not numb. I call it free, 'cause on both extremes, I don't care... you can't hurt me.
Life keeps drop-kicking me with steel toes, and I've gotten to a point where I'd rather be numb to the next kick--which means a preemptive strike, since of course I never know when/from where the next blow is going to come.
Furthermore, this roommate drama--although I hope and pray that's over after last night--has pushed me into the role of abusee again... and I've been drinking down the words I wanna say to them 'cause I know I can't win if I do say them.
And yet, stupidly (it seems sometimes) the only thing that's keeping me going towards sobriety is that peaceful happy feeling. The one that somehow steels you with a hippielike little forcefield and lets you smile at everybody nonmaliciously when they spit on you.
And I'm afraid I might have had it and lost it and it won't come back.
Every time I sober up, I get different symptoms. Some are physical, some are emotional, some are, well, I don't know what to call them. Like the dreams, which are back but I hadn't experienced since July. Or the waking all good to go for the day. That's been gone the last couple times. So each time, it's hit or miss, good and bad, it's going to be a combination.
I guess I should have stopped when it was a good combination, but I didn't see it in time.
And worst of all, at least one of these last couple slipups, I was aware of this here concept/pattern and I did it intentionally, to see if I could get back into a better gear. That's bad, I know. By the way, it didn't work at all.
-TB, still not trying to scare anybody but wondering what to do.
I want to be numb, and I want to be not numb--but all the way not numb. I call it free, 'cause on both extremes, I don't care... you can't hurt me.
Life keeps drop-kicking me with steel toes, and I've gotten to a point where I'd rather be numb to the next kick--which means a preemptive strike, since of course I never know when/from where the next blow is going to come.
Furthermore, this roommate drama--although I hope and pray that's over after last night--has pushed me into the role of abusee again... and I've been drinking down the words I wanna say to them 'cause I know I can't win if I do say them.
And yet, stupidly (it seems sometimes) the only thing that's keeping me going towards sobriety is that peaceful happy feeling. The one that somehow steels you with a hippielike little forcefield and lets you smile at everybody nonmaliciously when they spit on you.
And I'm afraid I might have had it and lost it and it won't come back.
Every time I sober up, I get different symptoms. Some are physical, some are emotional, some are, well, I don't know what to call them. Like the dreams, which are back but I hadn't experienced since July. Or the waking all good to go for the day. That's been gone the last couple times. So each time, it's hit or miss, good and bad, it's going to be a combination.
I guess I should have stopped when it was a good combination, but I didn't see it in time.
And worst of all, at least one of these last couple slipups, I was aware of this here concept/pattern and I did it intentionally, to see if I could get back into a better gear. That's bad, I know. By the way, it didn't work at all.
-TB, still not trying to scare anybody but wondering what to do.
being me
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 252
Hey TB, I hear ya for sure. A year ago, the first time I got some sober time, I felt that happy peaceful feeling of finally being myself and on the right track. I was so upset that I couldn't find it again. Probably like a first love or a first anything, the experience will never be the same again. Not that a feeling can't be found that is similar or even better really, but chasing the first 'high' of getting sober confounded me too. I had to make a lot of life changes and perspective changes to want to be sober for the things I did in my life that made me feel good, not just the feeling of being sober.
There is something in your post that I can't quite put a finger on, but around the idea that you don't have much control over your life and circumstances. Forgive me if that is not what you meant, typing and reading is hard without tone of voice. I think it is important realize that we are always in control. Even waking up with different symptoms could be related to what you are eating, new habits you are forming. Whatever is going to 'kick' you in life can be controlled by how you react to it. I dunno, I don't know all that much, you have seen my struggling posts, just trying to give some ideas from my experience with some similar stuff.
There is something in your post that I can't quite put a finger on, but around the idea that you don't have much control over your life and circumstances. Forgive me if that is not what you meant, typing and reading is hard without tone of voice. I think it is important realize that we are always in control. Even waking up with different symptoms could be related to what you are eating, new habits you are forming. Whatever is going to 'kick' you in life can be controlled by how you react to it. I dunno, I don't know all that much, you have seen my struggling posts, just trying to give some ideas from my experience with some similar stuff.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Heh, when you put it that way, I see what I'm doing. Chasing the first one...
As for the life, well, no, actually, at first I thought it was just me. And then the company I worked for fell apart and the state I live in went broke and the school I go to decided to make the students pay the difference from the budget and none of these things, offhand--there are more--are my fault, any way I can look at them. I just have to pay the price for them.
Other things were my fault, and I paid the price for them too, but I don't bring them up because, as I pointed out, they were my fault.
I still can't see anything good out of any allegedly 'good' decision I've made--past the fact that I'm still here, which I guess counts for something, but if my daily life is going to be living He-, why delay the process...?
The days go up and down, sure, but when I get hit with a 7 thousand dollar surcharge for college that in no way I can afford, where's the up that equals that? The day that they told me they were going to take all my loans and use them to pay new charges due to the budget crisis, that day didn't go so well. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.
Not as depressed as I might sound, my days are actually easier to deal with because, drinking or dry, I can only ignore these things in my life... no way I can pay it. It's an odd serenity. And if the economy doesn't get better, no way I'll ever pay it. I don't have to worry about it. In the end, school will have just been a wasted four years... and it's not like I haven't wasted other four years here and there.
It's just that it doesn't make for an easy reason to sober up. I don't have children, probably never will, I don't have a significant other, haven't been held for years now, and probably won't for a long time. I have token associations, no friends even of the superficial level. My family has left me alone with the exception of my cousin, who is supportive but high as a kite almost always.
I have nobody, I have a few things, like a car I can't legally drive, a roof over my head, other stuff like the laptop I'm typing on, but I got those things drinking and I can't think of anything else I need. I have a TV I don't use 'cause I don't really watch TV. Nothing else to buy with all the money I'm saving, just pay bills.
I'm going to die, I know. Liver problems, withdrawal seizures. But I was part of that cute generation that pretty much annihilated itself back in the 90s, so the idea of imminent death is nothing new.
So all I can do is dare myself to do it... and now that the goal to beat is 20 days, it seems so long to play a game...
Haha, I was so happy last night, I knew I'd be depressed today... I'm learning Dee & Carol... I'm learning. Roller coaster bubba, back in action...
Take care. I'm going outside. I hear sunshine's good for depression...
As for the life, well, no, actually, at first I thought it was just me. And then the company I worked for fell apart and the state I live in went broke and the school I go to decided to make the students pay the difference from the budget and none of these things, offhand--there are more--are my fault, any way I can look at them. I just have to pay the price for them.
Other things were my fault, and I paid the price for them too, but I don't bring them up because, as I pointed out, they were my fault.
I still can't see anything good out of any allegedly 'good' decision I've made--past the fact that I'm still here, which I guess counts for something, but if my daily life is going to be living He-, why delay the process...?
The days go up and down, sure, but when I get hit with a 7 thousand dollar surcharge for college that in no way I can afford, where's the up that equals that? The day that they told me they were going to take all my loans and use them to pay new charges due to the budget crisis, that day didn't go so well. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.
Not as depressed as I might sound, my days are actually easier to deal with because, drinking or dry, I can only ignore these things in my life... no way I can pay it. It's an odd serenity. And if the economy doesn't get better, no way I'll ever pay it. I don't have to worry about it. In the end, school will have just been a wasted four years... and it's not like I haven't wasted other four years here and there.
It's just that it doesn't make for an easy reason to sober up. I don't have children, probably never will, I don't have a significant other, haven't been held for years now, and probably won't for a long time. I have token associations, no friends even of the superficial level. My family has left me alone with the exception of my cousin, who is supportive but high as a kite almost always.
I have nobody, I have a few things, like a car I can't legally drive, a roof over my head, other stuff like the laptop I'm typing on, but I got those things drinking and I can't think of anything else I need. I have a TV I don't use 'cause I don't really watch TV. Nothing else to buy with all the money I'm saving, just pay bills.
I'm going to die, I know. Liver problems, withdrawal seizures. But I was part of that cute generation that pretty much annihilated itself back in the 90s, so the idea of imminent death is nothing new.
So all I can do is dare myself to do it... and now that the goal to beat is 20 days, it seems so long to play a game...
Haha, I was so happy last night, I knew I'd be depressed today... I'm learning Dee & Carol... I'm learning. Roller coaster bubba, back in action...
Take care. I'm going outside. I hear sunshine's good for depression...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's super to see y'all sharing here again....
When I was going thru one of my depressive periods
my psychiatrist suggested....each time I had a sad
thought....to immediately think of 2 happy ones.
I was showering today...from no where came the thoughts
of my abusive ex husband. I switched into remembering
how glad I was to have cleaned out the bank accounts
on my way out of town. Then how pleased I was
to get back to D.C. and have friends who welcomed me.
Ok...it's simplistic ...but then....so am I.
Wishing everyone a better tomorrow....
When I was going thru one of my depressive periods
my psychiatrist suggested....each time I had a sad
thought....to immediately think of 2 happy ones.
I was showering today...from no where came the thoughts
of my abusive ex husband. I switched into remembering
how glad I was to have cleaned out the bank accounts
on my way out of town. Then how pleased I was
to get back to D.C. and have friends who welcomed me.
Ok...it's simplistic ...but then....so am I.
Wishing everyone a better tomorrow....
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Well, now I been to 3 meetings in 2 days... not quite 90 in 90, but they all made me happy, so that's a good thing. This time 'round I'm gonna call all those people, at least the ones who say it's okay to call at night (I ask now) because that's the only time I can call.
Who knows if it'll work? Truth is, at this point, who cares? It either will, or I'll be back on square two figuring something else out...
And this meeting is 2 hours away walking... the faraway one is 2 hours by commuter train. To me, no different, but everybody says it matters, so I'll go along with it.
Trying new things all the time.
-TB
Who knows if it'll work? Truth is, at this point, who cares? It either will, or I'll be back on square two figuring something else out...
And this meeting is 2 hours away walking... the faraway one is 2 hours by commuter train. To me, no different, but everybody says it matters, so I'll go along with it.
Trying new things all the time.
-TB
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by grrrr
Hey folks, I will graduate this thread today!
Thanks for sharing yourself with us here in this humble corner of SR. :ghug3
being me
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 252
Thanks Dean! I love this corner of SR and all the wonderful support. Setbacks and all, I have found what works for me now, and I hope everyone here finds something to work for them.
I am keeping up my counseling, the acupuncture, and will start on some specific nutritional therapy next year. I am going on a big vacation the end of the year and am determined to stay sober through the holidays and through my trip! I will keep coming back here because you guys are a big part of my support system too, so thanks!
How is everyone else doin? TB, I hope your meetings are going well.
I am keeping up my counseling, the acupuncture, and will start on some specific nutritional therapy next year. I am going on a big vacation the end of the year and am determined to stay sober through the holidays and through my trip! I will keep coming back here because you guys are a big part of my support system too, so thanks!
How is everyone else doin? TB, I hope your meetings are going well.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Yeah, the meetings were great. I left feeling confident that I could do this, and all that. That there was someplace to go...
Now it's day 2 of reality (day 4 of sobriety) and I'm in and out of meetings and classes all day long. Not even time for lunch, but that's moot, since I can't afford to buy lunch anyways. There are no meetings I can reach timewise till Thursday--around here they're all at 7pm which is very inconvenient for me.
This state has finally done for me what liquor never managed to quite achieve--put me not only in a position of dependence, but put me in a dependent position where I can't really survive. So either something comes down from Heaven/left field/wherever such things originate, or... well... it'll be fun y'all.
One thing I can say is, there will be interesting memories. And if I pull it off sober, I'll get to remember this all!!! Oooheee, now there's motivation.
Got hit with more stuff today, but that just pushed me over the edge. No longer near it, so no need to fear... I'm so far gone over I don't care. Now I just gotta leave a lasting memory... I'm gonna make it a good deed, so I don't further mess up my chances at Heaven.
Now it's day 2 of reality (day 4 of sobriety) and I'm in and out of meetings and classes all day long. Not even time for lunch, but that's moot, since I can't afford to buy lunch anyways. There are no meetings I can reach timewise till Thursday--around here they're all at 7pm which is very inconvenient for me.
This state has finally done for me what liquor never managed to quite achieve--put me not only in a position of dependence, but put me in a dependent position where I can't really survive. So either something comes down from Heaven/left field/wherever such things originate, or... well... it'll be fun y'all.
One thing I can say is, there will be interesting memories. And if I pull it off sober, I'll get to remember this all!!! Oooheee, now there's motivation.
Got hit with more stuff today, but that just pushed me over the edge. No longer near it, so no need to fear... I'm so far gone over I don't care. Now I just gotta leave a lasting memory... I'm gonna make it a good deed, so I don't further mess up my chances at Heaven.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Pretoria, South Africa 🇿🇦
Posts: 3,995
Just wanted to join in here ~
last cigarette - 4th December 1996 smoked 40 a day
last drink - 31st December 2006 was a functioning alcoholic
last codeine tabs - 63 hours ago
I can do this I can do this ~~
last cigarette - 4th December 1996 smoked 40 a day
last drink - 31st December 2006 was a functioning alcoholic
last codeine tabs - 63 hours ago
I can do this I can do this ~~
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
... TBPlease remember HALT.
When I've been really short of cash ...I buy a box of saltines
add a jar of Peanut Butter or CheeseWhiz.....drink tap water
Viola! Food!
Day 4 is moving forward....good for you!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
tgirl......
Congratulations on your successes.
All my best as you begin another victory.
Welcome to SR and to our Daily Support thread.
Please do check back in with us.
Congratulations on your successes.
All my best as you begin another victory.
Welcome to SR and to our Daily Support thread.
Please do check back in with us.
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