Codependency and Beyond Part 4
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Thank you for the reading Grateful...
I like this!
"There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering which many of us have felt in our lives."
The key being.."unecessary"...how much time have I wasted worrying..running..escaping,
planning revenge, or just doing these things in my mind, let alone in my actions?
"Suffering is not a requirement"...a famous saying in recovery...
Sounds like truth to me.
Liked this too..
"Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good."
Me too.."let the good day roll..."
:ghug2:
Happy Mother's Day, dear Ladies.
I like this!
"There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering which many of us have felt in our lives."
The key being.."unecessary"...how much time have I wasted worrying..running..escaping,
planning revenge, or just doing these things in my mind, let alone in my actions?
"Suffering is not a requirement"...a famous saying in recovery...
Sounds like truth to me.
Liked this too..
"Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good."
Me too.."let the good day roll..."
:ghug2:
Happy Mother's Day, dear Ladies.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
May 10
Enjoying The Good Days
Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life.
There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering which many of us have felt in our lives. We don't have to allow others to make us miserable, and we don't have to make ourselves miserable.
A good day does not have to be the "calm before the storm." That's an old way of thinking we learned in dysfunctional systems.
In recovery, a good day or a good feeling doesn't mean we're in denial. We don't have to wreck our good times by obsessively searching for or creating a problem.
Enjoying our good days doesn't mean we're being disloyal to loved ones who are having problems. We don't have to make ourselves guilty because other people aren't having a good day. We don't have to make ourselves miserable to be like them. They can have their day and their feelings; we can have ours.
A good feeling is to be enjoyed. More than we can imagine, good days are ours for the asking.
Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don't have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don't have to let others spoil it either.
May 10
Enjoying The Good Days
Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life.
There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering which many of us have felt in our lives. We don't have to allow others to make us miserable, and we don't have to make ourselves miserable.
A good day does not have to be the "calm before the storm." That's an old way of thinking we learned in dysfunctional systems.
In recovery, a good day or a good feeling doesn't mean we're in denial. We don't have to wreck our good times by obsessively searching for or creating a problem.
Enjoying our good days doesn't mean we're being disloyal to loved ones who are having problems. We don't have to make ourselves guilty because other people aren't having a good day. We don't have to make ourselves miserable to be like them. They can have their day and their feelings; we can have ours.
A good feeling is to be enjoyed. More than we can imagine, good days are ours for the asking.
Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don't have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don't have to let others spoil it either.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Happy Mother's Day! I had to laugh...several customers told me this, last night, and I wanted to tell them that the only "kids" I had, have 4 legs, fur, tails and "talked" in meows
Brit is at her best friends.
Today's reading is just what I needed again. Just because someone has decided they are going to be "miserable for the rest of their life" doesn't mean I have to be, too. Again, intellectually I knew this, but it takes a while before it sinks in and becomes okay with me.
We were so busy at work, last night, I was simply too tired to think about anything on the way home. I DID manage to throw a tantrum, at one point, and reminded everyone that I'm not the only one who cando certain things...team work doesn't mean everyone watches Amy do the work. Six months ago, I would have just done it and gotten angry.
Okay, back to sleep a bit more before going back to work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Brit is at her best friends.Today's reading is just what I needed again. Just because someone has decided they are going to be "miserable for the rest of their life" doesn't mean I have to be, too. Again, intellectually I knew this, but it takes a while before it sinks in and becomes okay with me.
We were so busy at work, last night, I was simply too tired to think about anything on the way home. I DID manage to throw a tantrum, at one point, and reminded everyone that I'm not the only one who cando certain things...team work doesn't mean everyone watches Amy do the work. Six months ago, I would have just done it and gotten angry.
Okay, back to sleep a bit more before going back to work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Happy Mother's Day!!!!
Thanks for the reading Grateful, the main thing that stuck out for me was that it is ok to have a great day and be happy, even if someone I care about is unhappy and having a bad day. I think I really use to believe that as long as someone else is not happy with their life or having problems I wasn't aloud to be happy. I guess I can be such a martyr....
Thanks for the reading Grateful, the main thing that stuck out for me was that it is ok to have a great day and be happy, even if someone I care about is unhappy and having a bad day. I think I really use to believe that as long as someone else is not happy with their life or having problems I wasn't aloud to be happy. I guess I can be such a martyr....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Hi All!! Sorry I have not been around much...
I loved today's reading... All to often will I take on other people's emotions and MAKE them my OWN feelings... This is a real issue for me. Then I will feel and think it is my job to fix there bad day........ ICK!!!!!
I have started back in counseling and not a minute to soon...
I loved today's reading... All to often will I take on other people's emotions and MAKE them my OWN feelings... This is a real issue for me. Then I will feel and think it is my job to fix there bad day........ ICK!!!!!
I have started back in counseling and not a minute to soon...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl
Thanks for the reading Grateful, the main thing that stuck out for me was that it is ok to have a great day and be happy, even if someone I care about is unhappy and having a bad day...
This is such a good reminder for me too. I just had a conversation with my Dad about how poorly my brother is doing. My nephew is agorophobic and addicted to marijuana and he is taking my brother down with him. My brother can't/won't take the action to save himself. What a downer! But...I am having a good day, anyways.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I had a good day too, and a year ago it would have been a disaster. My daughter was scheduled to drive the hour down to see my mom, sis and nephew with me. As she was the only non-mom, she was cooking brunch. I told her we were leaving at 9. 9:40 came and no sign of her, so off I went. She had a terrible excuse she text to me while I was driving, "a water bottled spilled on her while she was sleeping and she had to wait for her clothes to dry" haha. I text back " A better decision would have been to drive home and get dry clothes, or get a hold of me before 9. You are still welcome to drive down and join us"
Did we REALLY think silly things like that sounded good once upon a time. Oh well, I had a great time, and I was proud of not guilting her or flipping out, this time last year I would have done both!!
Did we REALLY think silly things like that sounded good once upon a time. Oh well, I had a great time, and I was proud of not guilting her or flipping out, this time last year I would have done both!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
May 11
Perfection
Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. We may have had a tendency to pick on ourselves after we began recovery.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again...." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that we indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we do slip back into our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get where I am going tomorrow
May 11
Perfection
Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. We may have had a tendency to pick on ourselves after we began recovery.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again...." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that we indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we do slip back into our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get where I am going tomorrow
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
"Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. "
I think I gave up ..in my past..I knew I couldn't live up to my parent's standards..
or to God's. I didn't know anything about unconditional love.
The reading today reminded me of the card I received from my younger daughter
yesterday.
It shows a skinny little girl with mismatched clothing..and reads..
"For letting me know I didn't need to be perfect
in order to be perfectly loved-
Thanks, Mom.
You're really wonderful.
C went through a stage..from the age of 2 to 3 where she would pull clothing from her
closet and dress in as many layers as she could fit onto her skinny little frame.
And go outside in August to ride her Hotwheels.. lol...until I "caught her"..and would
haul her inside, (she) protesting quite loudly.. and redress her in "seasonal appropriate
garb."
This makes think of my mom, and more..my HP, letting me know I don't have to be
perfect in order to be "perfectly loved."
Wow...another lesson today. Blows me away, every time.
I had unconditional love for my kids..parents, but not for myself. In recovery..I am
"learning" to accept it.
I will love and accept myself today.
Thanks Grateful, for posting this inspiring message.
I think I gave up ..in my past..I knew I couldn't live up to my parent's standards..
or to God's. I didn't know anything about unconditional love.
The reading today reminded me of the card I received from my younger daughter
yesterday.
It shows a skinny little girl with mismatched clothing..and reads..
"For letting me know I didn't need to be perfect
in order to be perfectly loved-
Thanks, Mom.
You're really wonderful.
C went through a stage..from the age of 2 to 3 where she would pull clothing from her
closet and dress in as many layers as she could fit onto her skinny little frame.
And go outside in August to ride her Hotwheels.. lol...until I "caught her"..and would
haul her inside, (she) protesting quite loudly.. and redress her in "seasonal appropriate
garb."
This makes think of my mom, and more..my HP, letting me know I don't have to be
perfect in order to be "perfectly loved."
Wow...another lesson today. Blows me away, every time.
I had unconditional love for my kids..parents, but not for myself. In recovery..I am
"learning" to accept it.
I will love and accept myself today.
Thanks Grateful, for posting this inspiring message.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you for the readings.
I am not feeling myself, am having a hard time adjusting to new meds.
Glad to read today that I don't have to be perfect!!!! REALLY GLAD!!!! LOL
Finally took Anna's advice (thank you) and have commited (I am commitment-phobe) to doing volunteer work.
I am petrified and intimidated....my head knows I am good at it and I want to share...
my feelings are all over the place.
BUT I don't have to do it perfectly...just do it!
I am not feeling myself, am having a hard time adjusting to new meds.
Glad to read today that I don't have to be perfect!!!! REALLY GLAD!!!! LOL
Finally took Anna's advice (thank you) and have commited (I am commitment-phobe) to doing volunteer work.
I am petrified and intimidated....my head knows I am good at it and I want to share...
my feelings are all over the place.
BUT I don't have to do it perfectly...just do it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Went Friday and Sat to look around and see what all they were doing and what I could do.
It is a huge program for underprivileged kids.
I went thinking i would volunteer to read to kids...I love doing that and am very good at it (read the parts in character etc). But in my meditation the night before I set my mind to go where guided.
SO......I am going to be doing the landscaping with flowers all around the main center and doing it with the kids. Funny. I love gardening, I am good at it. I am good with kids. But I am completely intimidated and petrified!
First, yes, I could draw up a landscape plan...but it would be EXPENSIVE!
And...I don't know the soil and the plants that do well here where I have relocated.
And how to best introduce and use the kids?
Saturday, i went to the class where a lady is teaching guitar. She knows how to teach guitar but not how to hold the control of a group of kids...I came in handy there..I am good at crowd control with kids. LOL
Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.
Today I am thinking that the kids should be part of the landscape plan...and research?
The main guy told me to just give him a list of what I wanted and he would have it there for me....I think that is what scares the pants off me!
IF a nursery were donating...then I would feel alot better about it.
It is a huge program for underprivileged kids.
I went thinking i would volunteer to read to kids...I love doing that and am very good at it (read the parts in character etc). But in my meditation the night before I set my mind to go where guided.
SO......I am going to be doing the landscaping with flowers all around the main center and doing it with the kids. Funny. I love gardening, I am good at it. I am good with kids. But I am completely intimidated and petrified!
First, yes, I could draw up a landscape plan...but it would be EXPENSIVE!
And...I don't know the soil and the plants that do well here where I have relocated.
And how to best introduce and use the kids?
Saturday, i went to the class where a lady is teaching guitar. She knows how to teach guitar but not how to hold the control of a group of kids...I came in handy there..I am good at crowd control with kids. LOL
Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.
Today I am thinking that the kids should be part of the landscape plan...and research?
The main guy told me to just give him a list of what I wanted and he would have it there for me....I think that is what scares the pants off me!
IF a nursery were donating...then I would feel alot better about it.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I was a teacher, and the one thing I know about kids, is they just appreciate your time and your smile! If Florida is anything like Cali, your local home improvement store should have flats of small flowers that do really well in your area.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Oh Tena, I am absolutely petrified too, when I walk into a situation like that. I feel so intimidated! But, I think you'll find it pays off with big smiles and hugs.
I am so glad that you got involved with the gardening and kids. Uglyeyes idea of calling your local garden place (Home Depot?) and find out what plants work the best, is a great idea. How many children are involved? If there's not too many, maybe they could each draw a plan of their own of how they would like to see the garden, and then, as a group, you could choose the best plan. Or you could put the kids in small groups - one group to dig the holes for the plants, one group to plant the flower and another group to water it when the planting is done. Tena, you have great instincts and loads of ability, you'll be fine. And, kids just like to be involved. It will be fun.
I am so glad that you got involved with the gardening and kids. Uglyeyes idea of calling your local garden place (Home Depot?) and find out what plants work the best, is a great idea. How many children are involved? If there's not too many, maybe they could each draw a plan of their own of how they would like to see the garden, and then, as a group, you could choose the best plan. Or you could put the kids in small groups - one group to dig the holes for the plants, one group to plant the flower and another group to water it when the planting is done. Tena, you have great instincts and loads of ability, you'll be fine. And, kids just like to be involved. It will be fun.
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