Class of December Part 3
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Warren, I am a firm believer that all paths have equal value (ok, you can throw exceptions in like murderers maybe and I would have to think on it more). I was a really rowdy teen, and have done lots of "undesirable" things, and I think I have learned tons from it, and it all of my experiences made me yes? That being said, I miss her, and I would spare all of my "children" every hurt in the world if I could. Parenting 101 says thats not possible damn it.
Phal, I don't know what a sock dragon is, but if you bite me, you better be ready for the reaction you get
Phal, I don't know what a sock dragon is, but if you bite me, you better be ready for the reaction you get
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Southern CA.
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by uglyeyes 
welcome smacked. You recovering here, or just come to eat pop corn and watch the train wrecks?
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Lisa, I'm in recovery too.. as they call it. Been clean and sober off drugs and alcohol for a few more months than December, but not much. Today counts most right?
Warren, ah the escape, yes.. we all still need it. It's like we're babies again, we can learn the RIGHT and healthy way to still feel some sweet relief from the chaos. I work out a lot, meditate, yoga.. it's getting nice out here so I'll be hiking and kayaking soon. I volunteer at the humane society too sometimes, I LOVE animals, they really help calm me and whatever demons might be visiting that day. Nothin like petting a puppy to refocus everything on what's simple and heartwarming.
Warren, ah the escape, yes.. we all still need it. It's like we're babies again, we can learn the RIGHT and healthy way to still feel some sweet relief from the chaos. I work out a lot, meditate, yoga.. it's getting nice out here so I'll be hiking and kayaking soon. I volunteer at the humane society too sometimes, I LOVE animals, they really help calm me and whatever demons might be visiting that day. Nothin like petting a puppy to refocus everything on what's simple and heartwarming.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
TGIF! Hope everyone's doin well. Had probably the hardest counseling session YET, on Wednesday.. I didn't know I was still holding on to some sh**, sadness, remorse, shame, guilt.. you name it, all came to a head when ALL I was doing was telling Dr. Gary about this dream I had. I dreamed of my husband, and how HE was all wasted, falling down drunk (which he has never been since I've known him).. Kinda a shoe on the other foot and all, and I actually FELT everything he must have been over the years. Disgust, anger, worry, frustration, being overwhelmed, disappointed etc. Wow.. something in that just opened the floodgates and I cried, and I cried. Dr. Gary was like.. "Finally.. I have been waiting for you to shed a tear, and honor how painful this was.." Course then I cried more and whew.. that was interesting. He talked to me about how painful this whole thing must have been, even if it didn't seem it at the time, and how horrible it is to look back on everything. He talked to me a lot about beginning a self forgiveness process, but did say that it comes SLOWLY. Finding a balance of not ever ever forgetting the lows, the bad times, the hiding, the deceit, the anxiety, the terror of being 'found out', but forgiving.. and knowing that my dependency on alcohol didn't and never will define me. That my husband/family/friends (whatever you might have) stayed around because they saw hope, they held out some faith in me, and I seriously thank whatever powers that be that I've had the chance to come out of this and prove them right.
Warren, I do feel the need for escape sometimes.. but no matter what, I don't drink. Once that option is completely out of my head, it's just up to me to think of something else, or to just not escape, and really feel what life is, the good bad and ugly stuff. I think for now, just not drinking is so important, and it will take time to learn other ways to replace that "mood shift" as Dr. Gary calls it, with other things. It'll come, we're all creative, but only JUST getting to know ourselves again I think.
xoxox
Warren, I do feel the need for escape sometimes.. but no matter what, I don't drink. Once that option is completely out of my head, it's just up to me to think of something else, or to just not escape, and really feel what life is, the good bad and ugly stuff. I think for now, just not drinking is so important, and it will take time to learn other ways to replace that "mood shift" as Dr. Gary calls it, with other things. It'll come, we're all creative, but only JUST getting to know ourselves again I think.
xoxox
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
Hello Classmates~ I hope you are all doing well and ready for the weekend! I know I am =)
Warren~I understand what you mean about the "escape". I felt that way last weekend when I finally had a night alone with Hubby. I wanted to "relax" and as I was showering I kept thinking of having a glass of wine, how much I would love to have one. As I got dressed I kept thinking about it then I remembered the last time I had a glass when out on a date with Hubby, how I didn't remember the end of the night because I didn't stop at one glass. Right there I realized that the "escape" wouldn't really be one. I spoke to my Husband about what I was thinking and how I felt. He told me he was so proud of me for talking to him instead of keeping things to myself like I used to do. He said he understands this isn't always easy for me but he notices that I'm dealing with things better than I ever have. That I actually talk about how I'm feeling instead of hiding it. That made me realize I'm going in the right direction.
Yesterday I felt that need to escape, I felt unmotivated to do anything and sad after some things from the past came up (nothing to do with drinking) I ended up getting in my car and driving to the trail to go for a bike ride. I've been spending more time outdoors and it helps a LOT! Being good to myself even when I don't want to be is the main thing I'm working on.
Jess~ That sessions sounds heartbreaking, but it must have felt SO GOOD to get that all out! You are absolutely right, self-forgiveness is key in this or any process. Owning up to those feelings takes courage my Friend :ghug3 Your therapist sounds wonderful, it's so nice to see you are in good hands!
Well, I finally started working out again! I did 5 days last week and have worked out everyday this week so far =) It feels good to get back to it, even though some days I feel like I'm forcing myself to start, I feel great when I'm done. One thing I've noticed is that I've caught myself writing posts here numerous times in the past couple of weeks and deleting them. I don't know why I feel myself pulling away from the thread and from wanting to open up, regretting having said so much to begin with. I'm having a hard time understanding why I feel this way, but I thought posting about how I feel might help me process it~
XOXO
Suzi
Warren~I understand what you mean about the "escape". I felt that way last weekend when I finally had a night alone with Hubby. I wanted to "relax" and as I was showering I kept thinking of having a glass of wine, how much I would love to have one. As I got dressed I kept thinking about it then I remembered the last time I had a glass when out on a date with Hubby, how I didn't remember the end of the night because I didn't stop at one glass. Right there I realized that the "escape" wouldn't really be one. I spoke to my Husband about what I was thinking and how I felt. He told me he was so proud of me for talking to him instead of keeping things to myself like I used to do. He said he understands this isn't always easy for me but he notices that I'm dealing with things better than I ever have. That I actually talk about how I'm feeling instead of hiding it. That made me realize I'm going in the right direction.
Yesterday I felt that need to escape, I felt unmotivated to do anything and sad after some things from the past came up (nothing to do with drinking) I ended up getting in my car and driving to the trail to go for a bike ride. I've been spending more time outdoors and it helps a LOT! Being good to myself even when I don't want to be is the main thing I'm working on.
Jess~ That sessions sounds heartbreaking, but it must have felt SO GOOD to get that all out! You are absolutely right, self-forgiveness is key in this or any process. Owning up to those feelings takes courage my Friend :ghug3 Your therapist sounds wonderful, it's so nice to see you are in good hands!
Well, I finally started working out again! I did 5 days last week and have worked out everyday this week so far =) It feels good to get back to it, even though some days I feel like I'm forcing myself to start, I feel great when I'm done. One thing I've noticed is that I've caught myself writing posts here numerous times in the past couple of weeks and deleting them. I don't know why I feel myself pulling away from the thread and from wanting to open up, regretting having said so much to begin with. I'm having a hard time understanding why I feel this way, but I thought posting about how I feel might help me process it~
XOXO
Suzi
Drunkaholic
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Channelview, TX (Houston)
Posts: 514
Hey everyone ... nice "red meat" posts here this morning.
As you guys know I have decided to see if counseling will be helpful to me too. I am trying to use Baylor College of Medicine to help defer some of the costs.
What should I expect to pay an Hour for a psychologist? (Not an MD Psychiatrist)
Well this morning I wake up late to discover I missed their call back from my message on Monday. So back into the voicemail pool.
Warren -- I don't miss the ESCAPE as you describe it. What I do miss is the Free Pass it gave me to exist in this world alone. As long as I was in a bar/restaurant drinking it made it OK for me to be out in the world socially alone.
I don't miss the hangovers and self-loathing so much that I have no desire to drink for the buzz aspect. So I feel lucky that way. I never was the type that said, "I need a drink" after a hard day or emotional moment.
Jess - I hope that my counseling actually happens and that I get something out of it. I am super honest and don't try to sugar coat stuff - or worse try to protect my dignity so I hope that means I will play the game right when on the couch.
Suzi - Way to go on the working out. I only did two spinning classes this week, but I should run tomorrow (weather permitting).
No big plans this weekend other than tonight a Led Zepplin copy band. But it is in a crappy neighborhood and you have to park fairly far away - for security reason I hate that walk alone in case I am confronted.
Saturday - just the run and maybe go into work since I didn't do crap this week.
Sunday - taking a friend of mine to see that Nursery School Musical play I bragged about last weekend.
Next week is the big week as I am back into a Scuba Diving rotation. I will be in Cozumel next Thursday for a long weekend. Then the first week of April I am back in Cozumel again for a WEEK. Cozumel is an easy trip for us here in Houston. It's like a 2 hour flight, the hotel is on $44 a night ... it's a no frills hotel about the Dive Shop that runs the boats.
Smacked -- sorry for the "Red Meat" reference ... I know how you feel about that. hehe!
As you guys know I have decided to see if counseling will be helpful to me too. I am trying to use Baylor College of Medicine to help defer some of the costs.
What should I expect to pay an Hour for a psychologist? (Not an MD Psychiatrist)
Well this morning I wake up late to discover I missed their call back from my message on Monday. So back into the voicemail pool.
Warren -- I don't miss the ESCAPE as you describe it. What I do miss is the Free Pass it gave me to exist in this world alone. As long as I was in a bar/restaurant drinking it made it OK for me to be out in the world socially alone.
I don't miss the hangovers and self-loathing so much that I have no desire to drink for the buzz aspect. So I feel lucky that way. I never was the type that said, "I need a drink" after a hard day or emotional moment.
Jess - I hope that my counseling actually happens and that I get something out of it. I am super honest and don't try to sugar coat stuff - or worse try to protect my dignity so I hope that means I will play the game right when on the couch.
Suzi - Way to go on the working out. I only did two spinning classes this week, but I should run tomorrow (weather permitting).
No big plans this weekend other than tonight a Led Zepplin copy band. But it is in a crappy neighborhood and you have to park fairly far away - for security reason I hate that walk alone in case I am confronted.
Saturday - just the run and maybe go into work since I didn't do crap this week.
Sunday - taking a friend of mine to see that Nursery School Musical play I bragged about last weekend.
Next week is the big week as I am back into a Scuba Diving rotation. I will be in Cozumel next Thursday for a long weekend. Then the first week of April I am back in Cozumel again for a WEEK. Cozumel is an easy trip for us here in Houston. It's like a 2 hour flight, the hotel is on $44 a night ... it's a no frills hotel about the Dive Shop that runs the boats.
Smacked -- sorry for the "Red Meat" reference ... I know how you feel about that. hehe!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
That is odd Suz, I will be very interested to learn what you think the cause is, if and when you figure it out. I know I really like "talking" with you, so I hope you climb back out of that shell (and I appreciate the fact that you still message me with advice/thoughts even more<3).
Maybe we have the same thing, maybe not Warren. I miss the buzz. I am actually looking forward to experiencing life's trials and tribulations sober, learning to deal with the ugly as well as the joy. But I miss being able to sit in the hot tub, smoke a fatty, and drift away for a bit. I have a feeling none of us will miss that kind of shlt for long.
Jess, sounds like it was a good session for you, even though it was the hardest. Heck even I learned something from your therapy=)
I had a bitter-sweet epiphany yesterday at the dentist's of all places. He wanted to know how I had lost so much weight since last time I was there. We got talking about gym's, whole wheat, frozen yogurt etc and the more we talked the more dorky-excited we both got. He is in the same "life phase" as me. Do they call this mid-life? Well anyway, I said something to him about my daughter hating all the gourmet health food I make, and driving home it hit me. I am in the process of growing up, or growing old, or settling into this new child free, 40+ me. She doesn't belong in that phase. She is in the 21, lots of friends, 5 offers every night, road trips, fast food, I'm a grown up and I like it phase, and thats were she belongs. I cried a bit, but it was at least 50% out of joy for us both.
Love for you all~Lisa
Maybe we have the same thing, maybe not Warren. I miss the buzz. I am actually looking forward to experiencing life's trials and tribulations sober, learning to deal with the ugly as well as the joy. But I miss being able to sit in the hot tub, smoke a fatty, and drift away for a bit. I have a feeling none of us will miss that kind of shlt for long.
Jess, sounds like it was a good session for you, even though it was the hardest. Heck even I learned something from your therapy=)
I had a bitter-sweet epiphany yesterday at the dentist's of all places. He wanted to know how I had lost so much weight since last time I was there. We got talking about gym's, whole wheat, frozen yogurt etc and the more we talked the more dorky-excited we both got. He is in the same "life phase" as me. Do they call this mid-life? Well anyway, I said something to him about my daughter hating all the gourmet health food I make, and driving home it hit me. I am in the process of growing up, or growing old, or settling into this new child free, 40+ me. She doesn't belong in that phase. She is in the 21, lots of friends, 5 offers every night, road trips, fast food, I'm a grown up and I like it phase, and thats were she belongs. I cried a bit, but it was at least 50% out of joy for us both.
Love for you all~Lisa
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
Lisa~ I've noticed that I do that often, pull back after I get "too close". Even IRL sometimes I wish I hadn't told certain people about my battle with alcohol or just things that I may have confided in them. I often regret being so open, or not regret, but just wish that I wasn't so quick to open up at times. I don't know, I think I'm just reflecting on a lot of things and its hard to sort them out.
About your Daughter, it's weird isn't it, how out of nowhere things like that will come to you. I'm glad however that you are the kind of person that can see the joy in that even though in a way it's painful. In a way though now you also have that freedom, does that make sense?
About your Daughter, it's weird isn't it, how out of nowhere things like that will come to you. I'm glad however that you are the kind of person that can see the joy in that even though in a way it's painful. In a way though now you also have that freedom, does that make sense?
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
So I found another one of "those" threads hidden in the secular section. I read it and tried some things. First I tried very hard to be a better person and give the benefit of the doubt, and post something positive. I couldn't do it. Then I fought the urge for a good long while to post something just to slap the shlt out of it. In the end, I am SOOOOOOOOO thankful to be me right now, and I put my very first person on ignore. It's not even healthy for me at this point to ponder if this individual has lessons to teach me, because I fear the lesson is "how someone can make you pull your hair out over the internet". So good luck to those of you sticking it with "those" threads, I'm tapping out=)
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Morning all 
Happy Saturday! I LOVE Saturdays, and now hubby is back to work, I have the whole day to myself.. sometimes that's nice, especially now that I don't spend it sipping on vodka, killing a hangover, maintaining a disgusting buzz.. boy does that sound gross right now.
Have counseling at 10:45, kinda nervous about that.. He saw me at such a raw and vulnerable state on Wednesday as you guys know, we'll see, maybe I'll ask him to do some guided relaxation. Not sure how therapeutic it is but it feels good!
Suzi, my 'openess' here and elsewhere comes in waves. Sometimes I feel like I share too much, sometimes I type and type here and delete and just lurk. There's so much growth happening inside of us, I truly believe that.. and sometimes it's a big jumbled, scary, confusing, exciting, etc.. My emotions are pretty rollercoasterish, it's so screwed up, sometimes I'll 'catch' myself feeling SO excited about life, giddy even, and something in me totally crashes the party and brings me down and tells me otherwise. I shut down sometimes too. Maybe, if you find it helpful to really open up and be 'you', start a private online journal. I've thought of it.. usually when I'm upset or something intense.. that I want to put things out there, but not for anyone to read, but just to get them out of me. I hope you feel safe here with what you share, I love knowing about you and your life and how you're doing day to day.
Warren, I'm happy for you that you're so busy! It's so hard out there economy wise, I am so blessed and thankful that I have my job, plus it's a kick ass job! It's scary out there.. and you're on the cusp (it seems... you're sooo private sometimes) of some very great and exciting things, and I thank you for sharing what you can here. Your excitement about your project is contagious.. makes me want to DO something new. Thank you!
Lisa, your post kinda hit home for me in a few ways.. just thinking of the bratty teenager/early 20'sager I was, how my parents must have felt watching me go down a crazy path, helpless.. You can only do what you can, you're right, she IS an adult now, and I hope she makes more good choices than bad.. we all get our hands dirty, and we learn. Some of us learn early, some of us still are..
Charles, I hope the counseling thing goes well. My therapist is a psychologist, classically trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, relaxation therapy and addictions counseling. I lucked out. I think the one frustration I've had in counseling in SOME sessions is that I feel like I'm just talking just to talk, with a lot of "mmhmm"s and "ok.." from him. At first my head was screaming "OK I just poured my heart out, tell me what to do!" lol.. that's not their job. I'm educated as a counselor, I know this already, but if anything else on those days (like I found on Wednesday), even just hearing myself talk can be hugely therapuetic. My sessions are 45 minutes.. sometimes I come home and i'm still processing, and I write it out, or spend some quiet time by myself to keep thinking of everything I've just pried open in my heart and my head and reflect. Keep notes for next time. Journal.. A counselor is just one of many guides in life, they just have more specific training on it. People come in and out of our lives all the time, it's interesting to think about why they are there, you never know.. could be the most important person in that moment, in your life.
wow... I just typed a lot !
Tennis, lurk away, but share with us sometime!
Phal, thank you for giving me a little window into phal world
Where's Dori? miss you!
Ok, off to "shoot" my dog (with insulin..). I'll be around later. Sorry that was a horrifically long post! See what I can do with more free time on the weekends!
Happy Saturday! I LOVE Saturdays, and now hubby is back to work, I have the whole day to myself.. sometimes that's nice, especially now that I don't spend it sipping on vodka, killing a hangover, maintaining a disgusting buzz.. boy does that sound gross right now. Have counseling at 10:45, kinda nervous about that.. He saw me at such a raw and vulnerable state on Wednesday as you guys know, we'll see, maybe I'll ask him to do some guided relaxation. Not sure how therapeutic it is but it feels good!
Suzi, my 'openess' here and elsewhere comes in waves. Sometimes I feel like I share too much, sometimes I type and type here and delete and just lurk. There's so much growth happening inside of us, I truly believe that.. and sometimes it's a big jumbled, scary, confusing, exciting, etc.. My emotions are pretty rollercoasterish, it's so screwed up, sometimes I'll 'catch' myself feeling SO excited about life, giddy even, and something in me totally crashes the party and brings me down and tells me otherwise. I shut down sometimes too. Maybe, if you find it helpful to really open up and be 'you', start a private online journal. I've thought of it.. usually when I'm upset or something intense.. that I want to put things out there, but not for anyone to read, but just to get them out of me. I hope you feel safe here with what you share, I love knowing about you and your life and how you're doing day to day.
Warren, I'm happy for you that you're so busy! It's so hard out there economy wise, I am so blessed and thankful that I have my job, plus it's a kick ass job! It's scary out there.. and you're on the cusp (it seems... you're sooo private sometimes) of some very great and exciting things, and I thank you for sharing what you can here. Your excitement about your project is contagious.. makes me want to DO something new. Thank you!
Lisa, your post kinda hit home for me in a few ways.. just thinking of the bratty teenager/early 20'sager I was, how my parents must have felt watching me go down a crazy path, helpless.. You can only do what you can, you're right, she IS an adult now, and I hope she makes more good choices than bad.. we all get our hands dirty, and we learn. Some of us learn early, some of us still are..
Charles, I hope the counseling thing goes well. My therapist is a psychologist, classically trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, relaxation therapy and addictions counseling. I lucked out. I think the one frustration I've had in counseling in SOME sessions is that I feel like I'm just talking just to talk, with a lot of "mmhmm"s and "ok.." from him. At first my head was screaming "OK I just poured my heart out, tell me what to do!" lol.. that's not their job. I'm educated as a counselor, I know this already, but if anything else on those days (like I found on Wednesday), even just hearing myself talk can be hugely therapuetic. My sessions are 45 minutes.. sometimes I come home and i'm still processing, and I write it out, or spend some quiet time by myself to keep thinking of everything I've just pried open in my heart and my head and reflect. Keep notes for next time. Journal.. A counselor is just one of many guides in life, they just have more specific training on it. People come in and out of our lives all the time, it's interesting to think about why they are there, you never know.. could be the most important person in that moment, in your life.
wow... I just typed a lot !
Tennis, lurk away, but share with us sometime!
Phal, thank you for giving me a little window into phal world
Where's Dori? miss you!
Ok, off to "shoot" my dog (with insulin..). I'll be around later. Sorry that was a horrifically long post! See what I can do with more free time on the weekends!
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