Mariposa18

UglyEyes~ I read that "pink cloud" post and did end up responding to it after going back and forth on whether I should or not! lol And I agree with you, I can come away from reading feeling thankful I'm not worse off than I am. It just seems that lately there is quite a bit of, I don't know if drama is the right word, but just and uneasy feeling on a lot of threads. Am I making sense?

I mean, I understand there are a lot of raw emotions here. I guess at times I"m just more affected by it than others.

Mariposa18

Hi Everyone~ I've been having a very difficult time sleeping lately and it seems to be catching up to me. For the first time in a very long time I woke up thinking...what's the f*cking point? I know it's the wrong way to think, I hate being in this state of mind and I HAVE to snap out of it. I need to get out of the house today...

Classical~ I'll respond to your post later today when I've had time to relax and get out of this crappy mood I've woken up in! Lots of love to you~

Mariposa18

Hi Guys~ Sorry to post yet again. Just letting you all know I"m taking an internet break. So if I'm not around the next few days don't worry (not saying you would, but you know what I mean! lol) I'm having a very hard time all of a sudden and don't want to sit here and complain about it, not fair to bring people down with my attitude at the moment. I'll come back when I feel better =)

Lots of love to all of you~

Gypsy Feet

uhg, I wrote a big post to you butterfly, and the forums crashed on me. If you mean "whats the point" of quitting drinking, the point is that none of us wants to be less powerful than our addiction. We all want to be in control of our lives. Complain here all you want, I am here to listen

SeaHorse

2 months@ 6

Well done!!!!!!

I am really proud of you..keep up the good work!

SeaHorse

Hi Everyone,

I've been feeling a lot better. It's 3 weeks post-op now. I got out to a friday AND a sunday night AA meeting this past week. Saw my son today and we had a great time together. He has his learners permit so I got to get chauffered around. We went to Subway for a sandwich, then puttered around some shops, also dropped by my mom's house so I could drop off her birthday presents.

Hubby is coming over tonight to bring me some groceries, take out the garbage, and we're going to putter on the computer and see if we can get his printer working. I am feeling soooo much better!

Next week I am going to apply at a couple of call centers. I took since last spring off from work, just cuz I can...but soooo ready to go back! I really miss sales....and no, I don't call them...they call ME....I refuse to do outbound calling!!!! I make pretty good money doing that....but because of all the time off my money is just about depleted..time to make the donuts!

Life is good...and the snow is melting YAYAY!

Mariposa18

Hey Sweetie~ That's how I felt this morning. I don't even know why, since I was fine yesterday! I don't know if it's lack of sleep, some of the things going on with the Family, the fact that my Hubby and I have no intimacy anymore (that's a big one!) I just woke up feeling like a complete and total failure at everything in my life. Again, I don't know why. BUT I do know that I didn't use that as an excuse to pick up a drink and I will NOT!!!!!!

Today I got out of the house with Hubby and the Kids. Would feel okay for a little while then that crappy feeling would come back :wtf2 It literally made my chest hurt I felt so sad. Drinking is not an option. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can but how can I do that when I can't even identify what is bothering me? I hope I can finally get a good night's sleep tonight and that in the morning I feel better. I hate this feeling of being worthless...I know I"m not, but right now that part of me is bigger than the part that loves me. I feel so disconnected at the moment from everyone I love and it has literally come out of nowhere. I usually keep things inside and worry that talking about my thoughts and problems is complaining. I feel like I'm bothering people if I talk about it, you know? But I also know when I withdraw and distance myself from people, isolate, I get worse.

I'm rambling..dang it I need sleep!!!!!

SeaHorse & Classical~ I will respond to your posts in the morning. :ghug3 Love you guys~

Gypsy Feet

My off again on again husband and I struggle with remembering how to touch each other. I think we went about 2 years without even a kiss the first time I left. My sadness can also be a physical pain in my chest. All's I can say is, you will make it out on the other side. Get lots of out door time. Find things that do make you happy. Consider therapy.
I have also found some good advice online and in books on how to "stimulate" a faltering relationship. Sometimes I have to stage the whole thing. A Saturday in a rental cabin, candles and lace.

ExNavyInHouston

Good Morning everyone.

Classical, you will be happy to know I bought a ticket to each one of those classical shows I mentioned before.

But, at the same time I bought a ticket to see Chris Cornell. Now you have to look him up - hehe!

This is another fun weekend coming up. I am going home, but to where all the drinking started 30 years ago. My boyhood area near St. Charles, Missouri.

This will be a unique test, because after all these years of me returning home a couple times a year - you can imagine it is usually a drinking event. But, the good news is, I have come home before sober. These will not be the polite socially adept types either. I have expect being called a "*****" a hundred times.

I'm Ok with that, I deserve it after all these years. Believe me, coming home after 50 something days is a feat none of them knows. They are all good, hard working union guys and I am the guy who always came back with the first ear ring or parachute pants in the 80s, I joined the Navy in the 90s, and now I am covered in tattoos (sleeves, torso). So these guys are used to me coming back with a "prop" of some kind.

I'll be fine there, and my empowerment over alcohol is still more of a high than getting drunk ever was. I just have to show humility and service when I am around these guys and not act in any way that I am now better than them.

flutter

Evening all! Happy almost Friday

This thread has sure slowed down, hopefully just because everyone is doing well!

Finally the end of the workweek, and it's my bday weekend (Saturday :P ), I'm excited to spend time with family, and of course hubby.

My grandpa is in the hospital tho, as of last night.. might have had a mini stroke, not sure. Our family has been thru it the past 6 months. Starting with my stunt at the end of August (alcohol related), my dad was hospitalized for meningitis and a brain infection (random and out of nowhere, almost died!) Thanksgiving day, didn't get "normal" til about a week ago. Gpa in the hospital 3 seperate times from November til now.. argh. I feel like I've lived in them!

Ex, good luck going to Missouri, sounds like you have a mental plan in place, hopefully you're only called a "*****" 99 times

Mariposa, I hope you get thru your 'gunk' soon, we love having you around. If you'd EVER show us your face, i bet you smile a lot :P

Ugly (I STILL HATE calling you that!) (how bout some first names!?), sounds so hard with the on again off again. I know if things aren't right between my hubby and I, it effects my entire world. I hope you can find a way to be truly loving and kind with each other.

That's all for now, hubby is draggin my lazy ass to the gym, then I'm making fried chicken (lol... he has no idea how food/fat/calories even relates to health). Course, I'll eat some too, but just a few bites sprinkled over a delicious salad that I love to make and eat.

Have a good night!

And here, I'll just sign with my name, it weirds me out kinda to be called "flutter", tho I do have a bunch of butterflies tatted on me :P

Jess.

Mariposa18

Hi Everyone~ About to watch a movie with Hubby but I wanted to pop in and say HI =) Feeling *slightly* better, but not much.

Talk to you guys tomorrow~ XOXO

Suzette~ I'll follow Jess' lead (nice to meet you Girl!) and sign my name as well. BUT call me Suzi =)

Gypsy Feet

I would be Lisa=) I actually considered having an admin change my name, but we will see where this one goes haha. My on again and I are actually best friends. 18ish years has not been all smooth sailing though. He quit drinking with me, which is nice. The v-day card I got him is a "friend" type, which I will sign "I like the direction this is headed". I havent pondered us being back together for real in a long time, but stranger things have happened. Have a rockin birthday~

ExNavyInHouston

It's so good to see so many of you guys are in good relationships or at least working to get back into one.

I am terminally single after rocketing to three divorces by 30. So for the last 15 years I have remained pretty much single.

As an only child, I am OK being alone. I'm also not much of a dater either. I go LONG periods celibate - LOL.

Keep up the good work with your relationships.

Gypsy Feet

celibacy blows goats!!

*totally something I would have posted while drinking, I guess some things dont change

ExNavyInHouston

Ugly I always say:

I am celibate because I have found that when I am given access to vagina - my life becomes unmanageable. :wtf2

Gypsy Feet

I always say "What ever floats your boat"!

I am soooo happy its friday and another three day weekend! California is getting her much need rain, and my nephew has agreed to be my v-day date. Hope you all have a nice weekend~Lisa

flutter

Classical.. I saw your post in the newbies forum, it almost mirrors a post that I put out there when I was first a 'member'. I would get really upset, frustrated, etc with other posts and responses to posts. Honestly, I don't read many of them anymore. If I do and it bugs me, I stop. I don't feel as sensitive to it as I was before, my sobriety is much more solid now, and if anything else, I just feel really bad that people are still so caught up in things. I also know that at any moment, that could be me again. If this is someone's only lifeline, and this is where they want to spill their 'drama'.. fine, I don't read it. I know exactly what you mean, and I totally agree with you, I have taken 'breaks' from here numbers of time, usually out of just not having the time, but also out of just not wanting to be around a lot of active drinkers who post, and a lot of blame, negativity etc. Just step away for a while.. or just read certain threads. It's horrible how this disease effects people, and we were all right there with that poster still drinking/quitting/relapsing/blaming/rationalizing/etc only what, 2ish months ago. I didn't come here when I was in that mode, maybe if I had, it would have helped a bit more. I dunno!

Happy Friday, gotta run to work!

ExNavyInHouston

When I first came here I was so excited about find this website. As the days, turned into my first couple weeks of sobriety I started noticing a trend in how people were almost in a revolving door.

Then I was troubled by the coddling, but I was new here so I stayed quiet. I still felt like a guest so I held back.

My intentions were to be supportive in all the Newcomers Threads, but when our group formed and I saw the strength and honesty coming from just the few of us I decided to focus my attention in here.

I think about how small we are but how we represent such an amazing cross-section of people and lifestyles.

If I start backsliding I want TOUGH LOVE from you guys. Call me a ******* 99 times if necessary.

I will get back into the other threads, but right now I am happy with my small little December Family.

Mariposa18

Good Morning Class! OMG, I'm feeling so much better today!!!!!! THANK GOD! Okay, I"m going to start from the last post and work my way down so give me some time! lol

Lisa~ So much better to call you that than UglyEyes! lol 18 years is a long time and it's nice to hear you guys are still best friends. The intimacy thing is more me than anything, my self consciousness. My Husband has NEVER criticized my body in ANY way, so it's not that. I just have these days when I feel so ugly and unattractive! Which, not so sound vain, I'm not in any way! Work in progress =) Girl, you sound like you love your nephew so very much!!!! That's so sweet he is going to be your Date =) Have a great weekend Sweetie!

ExNavy~ Have a great time this weekend! I know you'll do just fine =) I in no way think you'd act like you are better than anyone while there, I don't see that in you. Tough love and Honesty? Yeppers, but not arrogance. I"m sure your Friends will be proud of you and that you'll have an amazing time.

Classical~ Yeah, this week went by so fast it's ridiculous! You know I totally feel you about the posts, that has been an issue with me and I think when I'm feeling like I was the past two days it makes it worse. I know how I can sound when I'm down and that's why I post how I do. To let you guys know I'm okay and sober even though I feel like a** on a stick! lmfao

On another note, I'm glad you are making that trip in May Sweetie. I can't even imagine how hard that is but you know I'll be here for you in any way I can~

Jess~ I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandfather~ Your Family has gone through a lot the past few months. I hope things only get better from now on for all of you~ BTW, I have 2 butterfly tattoos =) I'd get another one but not sure Hubby will go for it! lol

So as far as this posting thing I don't read many of the posts anymore. Yesterday I put a member on ignore even though I won't go into a thread they start (I did at first but WOW!) I found myself almost responding and feeding the drama but I closed my computer and told myself not to react that way. I KNOW things happen and I KNOW people can have months of sobriety even years and relapse.

When I first came here it was November, I put together 13 days and the day before Thanksgiving I told myself I could handle 1 glass of wine. I did that night, I handled 2 on Thanksgiving, none the next day (which made me think "See, I don't have a problem!") Then that Saturday I drank an entire bottle at my Mom's house, 3 glasses with dinner, then another bottle when I got home with Hubby (My Mom kept the kids so we could go out) Want to know what I remember after Dinner once we got home and I started that 2nd bottle? NOTHING The next day I woke up feeling miserable, like a failure. I went to my fridge and opened up a new bottle, at 11am, took a few sips straight out of it (hiding of course so Hubby wouldn't see me) Next thing I know I start to feel "better". I swear it was right then that I said "OMG, I really am an alcoholic!" I threw the rest of the wine out and haven't had a drop of alcohol since.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I understand a lot of the posters. I understand that thinking of I can handle it, I told myself that before. However I didn't come here at my worst. I came here once I had realized my problem and knew I had to quit. Yes I did have a small relapse once I joined, but I had already hit my bottom on my own if that makes any sense. As a matter of fact my bottom was years ago, ever since then I've tried to "control" it, would go months without a drink but would eventually drink again.

So, what's different this time? Well, when I found myself drinking away a hangover as I was hiding from my Husband, unable to remember the night before, THAT was enough. I never want to pick up a drink again, I know where it will lead. I've done things I"m not proud of and I refuse to become that person again. The past few days were hard and I was so sad, but look at me, I got through it SOBER and with YOUR help. Yes, my sobriety is 100% in my own hands. But having this group as support is amazing.

Like ExNavy, I'll eventually get back to other threads and forums. But right now I"m happy here, with all of you:ghug

And yeah, no coddling around here! lol Honest and Firm =)

Mariposa18

Oh, BTW, I ended up putting a picture up on my Profile page. I don't feel comfy yet putting a pic up as an avatar, but hey baby steps right! lol

Going out for the day so I'll talk to you guys later =) XOXO