Pelican

Hi DES,

Thanks for posting and sharing. I really like your signature line!

I was just looking through my copy of Codependent No More. I want to share something I highlighted. It is the three steps to change.
A - Awareness
A - Acceptance
A - Action

Most of the people responding to this thread are Aware of their codependent ways.

Next step is Acceptance. Accept that what we have been doing is not working. We need to change. We need to do things differently.

Third step is to take Action. "Each person must decide for him or herself what needs to be changed and when that should happen."

Astro

I still consider myself a relative newbie to the program of Codependents Anonymous, I'm coming up on two years of attending meetings but haven't taken the 12 Steps with a sponsor or a group. I really look forward to my weekly meeting, in fact it's tonight and I can't wait to get there. There's something very raw and real about CoDA meetings that I've never found in the rooms of AA.

I've been watching this post, thanks grateful2b, but I've hesitated to throw in my opinion cuz I didn't want to come across as negative. It's just that I've been on SR since late 2006 and I always assumed that the F&F forums were the place for us to discuss codependency, so I don't really see a need for a CoDA forum. But then again, if it helps other people in their recovery then I see no reason not to support it.

grateful2b

thank you for your support, Scott
I am glad you came to say hello...

DES

Thanks Pelican. It's the 3rd step that I have a problem with. Action. The depression just gets so overwhelming quite a bit of the time. I didn't understand depression until I had it so it feels like no one can understand it in me. So I don't tell anyone, I just fake like I'm happy and normal.

Like everything else in my life I don't know where to start so I do nothing. I havn't left the house in 3 or 4 days, not even to go to the mailbox. I almost went out yesterday but after I got cleaned up I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car. Same story today.

DES

Oh, the sig line. I saw that somewhere on the internet and thought it was funny. Weird sense of humor I guess.

Doug

grateful2b

Des, I understand..
I have bipolar 2 and sometimes it is a challenge to distinguish whether is that or my codie stuff when I find myself smack in the middle of mind numbing lethergy because of depression..
I am dealing with some heavy stuff right now and I have been isolating, but it is a choice as I am choosing to be selfish and nurture myself as I process what is on my plate..
I really appreciate your place of being depressed and wanting to do `something to move forward and frustrated about feeling so stuck...I hope I am not assuming too much
don't be too hard on yourself...
you mention counselling, are you still going?
I will be eternally grateful for the help I have received over the years ...I can't imagine getting here from there without it

DES

Nope, no health insurance. It really didn't do any good anyway. IMHO the shrink was a quack. All he did was prescribe and charge me 60$ for 10 or 15 minutes. At one time or another I was on Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Fluxomine and Lexapro. I hated all of it. One made the suicidal thoughts really bad and none of it really did any good. I guess I can blame it on the meds??? Who knows. The counsellor I was seeing who worked for him was okay but she really screwed me by what she put in her notes making it impossible for me to even get health ins. I was turned down by two companies and wasn't even applying for emotional/psychological coverage, go figure. What she put in the notes wasn't even accurate. BTW, this doc is the only shrink in my town. Actually I hold him partially responsible for my 1st wifes death. He put her on "feel good" pills and just kept prescribing more. She'd take them all, call his office and say she lost them and he'd write another script ... In the end she was working several Drs to get her drugs....but that's another story.

This is the short version but a small part of why I feel like it's hopeless.

grateful2b

oh shoot, Doug..
yikes, what an awful experience..
I have never seen a shrink...I won't bore you with my thoughts on them
my experience with therapy has been therapists one would find at community health centres...I have been really lucky and worked with one woman who did really good trauma work...didn't cost me anything...here in Canada with an ohip card it is covered...
also here in Canada the Catholic Family services offers free therapy and I am pretty sure they are in the states as well
no wonder you are feeling the way you do...
what about finding a co-dependent support group group?

Pelican

QUOTE=DES;2042298]Oh, the sig line. I saw that somewhere on the internet and thought it was funny. Weird sense of humor I guess.

Doug[/QUOTE]

As a codie, I would be willing to hold the knife, not the veggies!

I can see why your current events don't have you leading the church choir! Yowza!

First, I'm a codie, I can't fix you. I will support you where you are at, tho!

I do have an understanding of depression, been there-done that-and removed the label from the t-shirt.

I am a work in progress myself. I get overwhelmed by too many choices. If I look at all the things that I feel need to be changed, I panic and give up. I need to focus (my personal mantra is "focus, focus") on one problem at a time. Change one step at a time. I rely on self-help books, friends and SR for info and support. My nearest CoDa group is 65 miles away.

You are sober. That is a positive change you have made for yourself. That is a powerful start.

Can you focus on your next positive step of change?

SerenityGirl

I wouldn't even be able to attempt to work on my codependency if I was still drinking..I had been sober for a long time, but still totally screwed up, I was going to AA meetings which helped me stay sober, I also went for counselling, but it was because of someone elses problems I figured..my whole life was about worrying about everyone else and trying to fix everyone. Anyway, I slowly figured out about my codependency. I guess I have taken the first two steps Pelican mentioned, so now its time to take action.

fall

Speaking of brilliant signature lines, this from Grateful2b:
"You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life thats waiting for you..."

I think that might speak volumes for so many of us writing here. We're so afraid of giving up what we have, what we're clinging to for the relative comfort familiarity provides. Even if that familiarity is self-destructive, at least it feels "normal."

But these things we do to ourselves are not healthy. Most harmful is the attitude that we're stuck. We aren't stuck, but we choose to be because we're too afraid to act.

I know this so so painfully well. I'd been stuck for 16 years in a failing marriage, and active addiction. FINALLY I gathered the nerve to put an end to it, to move on. For a brief while I felt what it is to be free. Scared, but free. But, old habits die hard. They resurge with a vengance, as others here have also noted how that works.

It seems we have to decide, to determinedly decide to choose, and then to act. In spite of that pull back toward our comfort zone of codependency or addiction.

To do so I'm finding I need to keep envisioning the bigger picture. To remind myself what it is I ultimately seek. That helps me do the next right thing, rather than retreat and react out of fear in the immediate.

I'm acting today. It's scary. I'd rather run and hide, avoid. I'd rather leave my own house than stand up for what is my right, that being peace in my own home and control over my own life. I think of running, hiding, escaping every day. But then I remind myself what I'm struggling so hard to achieve, and continue on fighting for what is mine. I'll get it if I keep trying.

Des, don't fret over feelings of not achieving that bliss so many speak of when they give up active use of their drug of choice. I've come to discover that just giving up the drug isn't the solution, but it's a necessary first step toward what you're looking for.

Thanks all to who are contributing to this thread. It is encouraging.

SerenityGirl

Yes, sometimes I would rather run or hide also, because I don't want to rock the boat. I seem to want peace at any cost..I just hate conflict and arguing, but I am not being true to myself...
Fall, you have our support and understanding while you are going through this, just take it a day at a time....(hugs)

Impurrfect

I totally understand the wanting to run and hide feeling...that's always been my way of dealing with conflict..even if it didn't involve me. If someone was even arguing around me, I wanted to run. I'm still not comfortable with it, but I'm getting better at the not running part. I think this has been one of the hardest things I've had to overcome.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

I have felt guilty through the years because my response to life was to run and hide, it felt like such a weakness...
I understand now , my blind motivation to protect myself..and I have found my voice and learned to nurture myself....I still find myself in situations where I want to run and hide, but I do have the tools now to do what is right and good for me ...
Fall, congratulations, on choosing you and your new life:ghug3

Jersey Nonny

WOW! On page three already, grateful. Obviously, a need for this thread.

I'm not sure I still qualify as a codie. So, for now, I'll just drop in from time to time, read, and see if I identify...just like any good newbie should. For me, this is like attending a new meeting to see if I fit in.

Good Luck, and Good 2009.

grateful2b

I know!
I am very excited by the response and support
thanks, Jerz and hope you pop in lots

Happy New Year , Everyone
here is to a year ahead full of Joy, Love and Light in 2009..

Isaiah

Yes. I am ridiculously codependent. Sitting at home right now bawling into my mac n' cheese because I have no one around me right now. My self esteem comes from other people. A fact I'm not proud of and one that I'm trying to change, but nonetheless it still hits me pretty hard. I'm an emotional catastrophe right now.

Ananda

Isaiah..thanks for postin that....I am afraid i am teatering on the edge of that myself....will do all the right social stuff I shuld..but my heart isn't in it.

(hug)

grateful2b

.

Welcome, Isaiah, I am glad you have come to post here, hopefully this is a place where we can all come and feel safe enough to explore this journey we are all on and support one another in it
please be gentle with yourself... :ghug3 and know that you are not alone in how you feel
I hope you continue to come and share and find some sustenance for yourself here .

SerenityGirl

Hi Isaiah, glad your joining us, I am so glad you can share your feelings...I am trying to not let other people control how I feel anymore, for example the way it has been, if my husband is in a bad mood then I feel bad, as soon as he's in a better mood, then I feel better. Isn't that sick, but I have been learning to not let that happen so often, I just go about what I am doing and let him be miserable...I don't want him to control me anymore, I have let him do that to me. I am responsible for my own happiness....

I am sure glad that you started this thread grateful!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!!!