Co-dependents anonymous
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Amy , I love the visual of you and Elvis chillin...sweet
good news about your money...
I am so glad you are appreciated at work, as you *deserve to be
but especially glad to hear your hours are being protected...big high five! 
your tenacity and *constant positive outlook never cease to amaze me, Amy...lotsa hugs, Grateful
good news about your money...
I am so glad you are appreciated at work, as you *deserve to be
but especially glad to hear your hours are being protected...big high five! your tenacity and *constant positive outlook never cease to amaze me, Amy...lotsa hugs, Grateful
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Today I know the truth of my recovery. If I am to stand centered and strong within in my life and myself, I will need to plant a garden within my own soul.
A garden for me to nurture and to nurture me. A haven of beauty. I will find my own voice and sing my song, because if I don't sing it , it will not be sung.
It is all I have and it is enough. I do not need to prove anything to anyone anymore.
I have come home - to me.
The truth is, I was here all along, only I forgot to look for myself. Instead I looked for myself in other people's meaning and became lost in their stories.
I am not lost today.
I know there is nowhere to look for me, but within myself and no one to lead me there but me.
-excerpt from Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton
I *love this passage...It celebrates the power of self for me and the meaning of "home"....journeying within and finding wholeness there has been the greatest gift of my life.....after a life lived in fear of the depths within.....for me the beginning of a true relationship with myself began with a small lit candle and as I grew the light got brighter, the room within, larger, as I carved out my inner world...and it is my inner world that supports me as I process the deeper hurts from my past
A garden for me to nurture and to nurture me. A haven of beauty. I will find my own voice and sing my song, because if I don't sing it , it will not be sung.
It is all I have and it is enough. I do not need to prove anything to anyone anymore.
I have come home - to me.
The truth is, I was here all along, only I forgot to look for myself. Instead I looked for myself in other people's meaning and became lost in their stories.
I am not lost today.
I know there is nowhere to look for me, but within myself and no one to lead me there but me.
-excerpt from Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton
I *love this passage...It celebrates the power of self for me and the meaning of "home"....journeying within and finding wholeness there has been the greatest gift of my life.....after a life lived in fear of the depths within.....for me the beginning of a true relationship with myself began with a small lit candle and as I grew the light got brighter, the room within, larger, as I carved out my inner world...and it is my inner world that supports me as I process the deeper hurts from my past
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SG)) - glad you're having a good time.
So, the mgr who I expected to mess with my schedule (Marilyn) did, last night. She LOVES the 2 sisters, who were stranded in CA with a broken car, and babies them and has caused a lot of animosity on 2nd shift.
She came out, handed me a schedule, where she had cut my hours, quite a bit, giving the sisters my hours. I calmly said "Derek (my GM) wants me to come in early, and I will not change my hours, without being told by HIM". She snapped "WHY?" and I told her to ask him.
I was not nasty about it, although I was furious. I went to my car to call the mgr who does the scheduling, who is also a friend. It was too COLD to stand outside (17 degrees) and Keisha said she'd talk to Derek. Marilyn called Derek, and as it stands, I still get to come in early, but no longer work 'til closing on Fri/Sat. as it puts me into OT. One of the sisters will close.
I had suggested this the last time the sisters took a month off and came back (after the robbery) and Marilyn told me they would NOT be closing as that was MY schedule. Anyway, I will lose a little money, as closing is prime tip time. However, I will get more sleep, and that is more important right now. I am just tickled pink that Derek backed me up, and I handled it calmly and stood my ground without getting nasty!!!
It should be very interesting. I pretty much run the shift on weekends, and no one is happy about the change but me I am remarkably calm about it all, and I just know that it is all going to work out, even if I make less money.
Wow, serenity is worth it's weight in gold!!!
I've slept most of the day, still under my electric blankie, and Elvis is sprawled on top of me. I've kept him from licking his leg, and he's doing fine, other than he's very clingy. It's okay, though, I like to snuggle
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
So, the mgr who I expected to mess with my schedule (Marilyn) did, last night. She LOVES the 2 sisters, who were stranded in CA with a broken car, and babies them and has caused a lot of animosity on 2nd shift.
She came out, handed me a schedule, where she had cut my hours, quite a bit, giving the sisters my hours. I calmly said "Derek (my GM) wants me to come in early, and I will not change my hours, without being told by HIM". She snapped "WHY?" and I told her to ask him.
I was not nasty about it, although I was furious. I went to my car to call the mgr who does the scheduling, who is also a friend. It was too COLD to stand outside (17 degrees) and Keisha said she'd talk to Derek. Marilyn called Derek, and as it stands, I still get to come in early, but no longer work 'til closing on Fri/Sat. as it puts me into OT. One of the sisters will close.
I had suggested this the last time the sisters took a month off and came back (after the robbery) and Marilyn told me they would NOT be closing as that was MY schedule. Anyway, I will lose a little money, as closing is prime tip time. However, I will get more sleep, and that is more important right now. I am just tickled pink that Derek backed me up, and I handled it calmly and stood my ground without getting nasty!!!
It should be very interesting. I pretty much run the shift on weekends, and no one is happy about the change but me
I am remarkably calm about it all, and I just know that it is all going to work out, even if I make less money.Wow, serenity is worth it's weight in gold!!!
I've slept most of the day, still under my electric blankie, and Elvis is sprawled on top of me. I've kept him from licking his leg, and he's doing fine, other than he's very clingy. It's okay, though, I like to snuggle
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
SG thanks for checking in...I am glad you are having a great time! you are missed here...
Amy , way to take the high road
I am glad you have the support you need in this...the good thing about no fri/sat/ closing is that you will be safer
yes, serenity rules...
gee, Elvis sounds like my girl Callie, in his personality, he must be a sweetie, too...
Amy , way to take the high road
I am glad you have the support you need in this...the good thing about no fri/sat/ closing is that you will be safer
yes, serenity rules...
gee, Elvis sounds like my girl Callie, in his personality, he must be a sweetie, too...
Leap of Faith Survivor
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I found some quotes from the classic "Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav
that I thought everyone would enjoy..
See your emotions as gifts/presents -- open them and see what they have to teach you.
Emotions are like street lights on a dark night that illuminate the soul.
The longest journey you can make is from your head to your heart. We are all on this journey.
Choosing not to act on an angry emotional impulse and to feel the pain that lies beneath it, is a very courageous thing to do.
As you become aware of everything you are feeling all the time, you embark on the path of spiritual growth.
When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful.
Feeling your emotions with the intention of learning from them is like eating from a banquet that never ends.
that I thought everyone would enjoy..
See your emotions as gifts/presents -- open them and see what they have to teach you.
Emotions are like street lights on a dark night that illuminate the soul.
The longest journey you can make is from your head to your heart. We are all on this journey.
Choosing not to act on an angry emotional impulse and to feel the pain that lies beneath it, is a very courageous thing to do.
As you become aware of everything you are feeling all the time, you embark on the path of spiritual growth.
When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful.
Feeling your emotions with the intention of learning from them is like eating from a banquet that never ends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
My stepmom just reminded me of how much of a codie she is. She burned her finger, earlier on the stove. So, she's talking about making soup, tells me she would do it "if your dad would peel the potatoes".
So, she asks him, if he would like the soup...he says "yes", and she says "well, I don't know if I can peel the potatoes with my finger". He says "then don't worry about it". She never asks him to peel the potatoes, never asks Brit, the 15-year-old, who is sitting on the computer, on myspace, and I certainly don't volunteer, because I've made it very clear...you want me to do something, you ask me.
So, she has now peeled the potatoes and is cooking the soup. I have told her (and dad) over and over....if you want help with something, ASK. Stop hinting around, then getting angry when someone doesn't help out. They just don't get it. I used to feel guilty when I wouldn't give in to the "hints" and help out, but not any more.
When she DOES ask me to do something, she'll start out "you wouldn't want to...." grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I just calmly keep telling her "just ask me what you want...I will say yes or no". I'm so glad, I don't live like that any more!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
So, she asks him, if he would like the soup...he says "yes", and she says "well, I don't know if I can peel the potatoes with my finger". He says "then don't worry about it". She never asks him to peel the potatoes, never asks Brit, the 15-year-old, who is sitting on the computer, on myspace, and I certainly don't volunteer, because I've made it very clear...you want me to do something, you ask me.
So, she has now peeled the potatoes and is cooking the soup. I have told her (and dad) over and over....if you want help with something, ASK. Stop hinting around, then getting angry when someone doesn't help out. They just don't get it. I used to feel guilty when I wouldn't give in to the "hints" and help out, but not any more.
When she DOES ask me to do something, she'll start out "you wouldn't want to...." grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I just calmly keep telling her "just ask me what you want...I will say yes or no". I'm so glad, I don't live like that any more!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Amy, I'm glad you have carved out some space for you in spite of the codieness around you....and your refusal to enable your mom an longer is such a gift to her...
I didn't realize until the last year or so, how much of a codie my mom was....to me she was this long suffering martyr and today, although she has come along way, it is sad to see how she still deprives herself out of a misplaced sense of duty...
I see now, very clearly where I learned my codie behaviors, and I do think she has gotten something from the changes I have made in that regard and our relationship has become more of a friendship as we both choose that over anything else..
I know that your family will eventually benefit from the light you bring to the circle with the mirror you lovingly hold up..
I didn't realize until the last year or so, how much of a codie my mom was....to me she was this long suffering martyr and today, although she has come along way, it is sad to see how she still deprives herself out of a misplaced sense of duty...
I see now, very clearly where I learned my codie behaviors, and I do think she has gotten something from the changes I have made in that regard and our relationship has become more of a friendship as we both choose that over anything else..
I know that your family will eventually benefit from the light you bring to the circle with the mirror you lovingly hold up..
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Gentle Reminders by Mitzi Chandler
January 22
Little boats should keep near shore.
Benjamin Franklin
When bouncing over the troubled waters of healing, it is wise to take precautions.
Stay near shore, sound the foghorn, put out the SOS, call in the coast guard - your Higher Power.
Its a big ocean to cross and there will be fierce storms along the way.
There will be days when the engine quits, and days when the fog is too thick to navigate.
These are the times to drop anchor and find a quiet harbor until it is safe to begin the journey again.
As we grow, we can begin to venture into the open sea. more sure of the strength of our vessel, more aware of the direction we are heading.
I will use caution in my healing and not take on too much at once.
January 22
Little boats should keep near shore.
Benjamin Franklin
When bouncing over the troubled waters of healing, it is wise to take precautions.
Stay near shore, sound the foghorn, put out the SOS, call in the coast guard - your Higher Power.
Its a big ocean to cross and there will be fierce storms along the way.
There will be days when the engine quits, and days when the fog is too thick to navigate.
These are the times to drop anchor and find a quiet harbor until it is safe to begin the journey again.
As we grow, we can begin to venture into the open sea. more sure of the strength of our vessel, more aware of the direction we are heading.
I will use caution in my healing and not take on too much at once.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I came across this little nugget about detaching and I thought I would share. Its an excerpt from "The Metaphysics of Detaching" by Richard Skerritt...
If the relationship is really harming you, and you really cannot foresee a change that will remedy that, you have to start protecting yourself.
Detaching is a way of distancing yourself emotionally from the actions, words and feelings of another person.
Al-Anon is great at teaching this. Basically you start to redefine what makes you ok and to focus on that. It is like emotionally circling the wagons.
You push your spouse's actions and pain outside of your circle. You focus on you and what you need and what you need to feel.
A simple example is staying awake worrying when your spouse stays out late. You stop that. You go to bed and go to sleep.
You focus on you and what you need.
You leave your spouse's problems with your spouse.
You decide to be OK no matter what is happening out there.
If the relationship is really harming you, and you really cannot foresee a change that will remedy that, you have to start protecting yourself.
Detaching is a way of distancing yourself emotionally from the actions, words and feelings of another person.
Al-Anon is great at teaching this. Basically you start to redefine what makes you ok and to focus on that. It is like emotionally circling the wagons.
You push your spouse's actions and pain outside of your circle. You focus on you and what you need and what you need to feel.
A simple example is staying awake worrying when your spouse stays out late. You stop that. You go to bed and go to sleep.
You focus on you and what you need.
You leave your spouse's problems with your spouse.
You decide to be OK no matter what is happening out there.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
So many good words shared here since I was last able to read or write last Friday. It's been an extraordinarily emotionally explosive week. I'm still feeling very trapped, stuck, just holding my breath until I'm free to breathe again. Doing my best to attend to the needs and wants of another so long as he lives in my house, as though I don't, or won't, give myself any other option. I know it's soon to change so I try to just remain calm, patient, and be helpful in moving him to wherever he chooses to go. Unfortunately he chooses to remain in my house. That's no longer an option!
So much has been written in the past week about taking care of oneself. You here are demonstrating wonderful examples of how that works, how it benefits yourself and those around you. For in doing so, each takes responsibility for what they are responsible for. Otherwise, it's just enabling a bad situation to continue.
These words Grateful posted from Tian Dayton are so beautiful:
"I will find my own voice and sing my song, because if I don't sing it , it will not be sung.
It is all I have and it is enough. I do not need to prove anything to anyone anymore."
Looking forward to the freedom to be myself that is right there for the taking. I know I could start right now, today, and yet, I know my fears of causing conflict and upset and turmoil and chaos and hurt and anger and all that terrible negativity of bad emotional upset prevent me from moving. Within the next few days I'll be living in my own home, alone. Alone for the first time since I was 20 years and 2 months old. I'm 40 years and 4 months old as of yesterday. Half a lifetime ago! I can consider this, I suppose, the start of Chapter 3 of my life.
So glad to see this thread still going strong, and reading the thoughts and stories of those contributing to it. Peace.
So much has been written in the past week about taking care of oneself. You here are demonstrating wonderful examples of how that works, how it benefits yourself and those around you. For in doing so, each takes responsibility for what they are responsible for. Otherwise, it's just enabling a bad situation to continue.
These words Grateful posted from Tian Dayton are so beautiful:
"I will find my own voice and sing my song, because if I don't sing it , it will not be sung.
It is all I have and it is enough. I do not need to prove anything to anyone anymore."
Looking forward to the freedom to be myself that is right there for the taking. I know I could start right now, today, and yet, I know my fears of causing conflict and upset and turmoil and chaos and hurt and anger and all that terrible negativity of bad emotional upset prevent me from moving. Within the next few days I'll be living in my own home, alone. Alone for the first time since I was 20 years and 2 months old. I'm 40 years and 4 months old as of yesterday. Half a lifetime ago! I can consider this, I suppose, the start of Chapter 3 of my life.
So glad to see this thread still going strong, and reading the thoughts and stories of those contributing to it. Peace.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Gentle Reminders by Mitzi Reminders
January 23
Loneliness is not so much a matter of isolation as insulation
Rev Harold W. Ruopp
Many of us became masons out of necessity when we were young. We troweled mortar onto brick in a desperate effort to survive.
And although lonely, we survived with our feelings sealed away for safekeeping.
By the time we are adults, we are accustomed to isolation. We don't know any other way to be. We have built our wall so thick, insulated it so well, that no air circulates and our feelings all but wither and die. We have sealed ourselves off, even from ourselves.
Emotions are life. Without them, all of them, we come up empty, and go down lonely,
Today I will break through the barriers that make me lonely
January 23
Loneliness is not so much a matter of isolation as insulation
Rev Harold W. Ruopp
Many of us became masons out of necessity when we were young. We troweled mortar onto brick in a desperate effort to survive.
And although lonely, we survived with our feelings sealed away for safekeeping.
By the time we are adults, we are accustomed to isolation. We don't know any other way to be. We have built our wall so thick, insulated it so well, that no air circulates and our feelings all but wither and die. We have sealed ourselves off, even from ourselves.
Emotions are life. Without them, all of them, we come up empty, and go down lonely,
Today I will break through the barriers that make me lonely
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Forgive me for thinking out loud, but I have been going through alot of the codependent information on this journey of recovery and spirituality, so I thought it would be interesting to pull a section from this and see how it applies to me.
I'm not really used to opening up about issues like this. Here goes:
Check!
Not really.
Not everything, but alot, yes.
Check.
I tend to do this to a degree, but used to be much worse before my awareness.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Not really.
Big check.
Getting better, but check.
Emotional abuse: check. Alcoholism: check.
Not anymore. Got better at this awhile back.
When things go wrong... check.
Check.
HUGE check.
HUGE check.
Check.
Sometimes. (Ashamed of who I was.)
Too complex. Half check.
Not really.
Not sure. I know I feel good when helping others.
No.
.
Check.
Sometimes check.
Big check.
Another one I am getting better at. Half check.
No.
No
No.
So am I a super codie, codie, or not codie? Or maybe the answer is way too complex.
I'm not really used to opening up about issues like this. Here goes:
Codependents tend to:
Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
Blame themselves for everything.
Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.
Reject compliments or praise.
Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
Feel different from the rest of the world.
Think they're not quite good enough.
Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
Fear rejection.
Take things personally.
Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse,neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
Feel like victims.
Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
Be afraid of making mistakes.
Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
Have a lot of "shoulds".
Feel a lot of guilt.
Feel ashamed of who they are.
Think their lives are not worth living.
Try to help other people live their lives instead.
Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
Get strong feelings of low self-worth - embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems.
Wish good things would happen to them
Check.
Believe good things never will happen.
Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.
Wish others would like and love them.
Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
Settle for being needed
So am I a super codie, codie, or not codie? Or maybe the answer is way too complex.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Wow, James, great post, thank you for that
I have to say at one time, I was able to answer yes to pretty much all of that ...I know I am a codie , in recovery of course, haha...
now some work , I know what my trigger issues can be, and I say , can be, if I don't do the work and stay in my own hula hoop..
Fear of rejection(abandonment), needing approval and needing to belong to someone else because I couldn't belong to me, were the really big ones for me...
now, I feel I can embrace all of me, codie warts and all, and its okay..
I can't tell you whether you are a codie or not but I do know that those are all codie traits...
Have you read any of Melody Beatties books?
Her book, Codependent No More is might be a place where you could explore this more..
we can talk about traits but its the emotions beneath them that are so revealing, I think..
James , I am glad you came back to post. hugs, Grateful
I have to say at one time, I was able to answer yes to pretty much all of that ...I know I am a codie , in recovery of course, haha...
now some work , I know what my trigger issues can be, and I say , can be, if I don't do the work and stay in my own hula hoop..
Fear of rejection(abandonment), needing approval and needing to belong to someone else because I couldn't belong to me, were the really big ones for me...
now, I feel I can embrace all of me, codie warts and all, and its okay..
I can't tell you whether you are a codie or not but I do know that those are all codie traits...
Have you read any of Melody Beatties books?
Her book, Codependent No More is might be a place where you could explore this more..
we can talk about traits but its the emotions beneath them that are so revealing, I think..
James , I am glad you came back to post. hugs, Grateful
Last edited by grateful2b; 01-23-2009 at 11:03 AM.
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Thanks Grateful! Good to hear from you as always. Thanks for the reference. I will check that out asap.
I really see some levels of codependency in my life. I know I shouldn't have to answer yes to all of those questions to see it. Even some of the questions I can't identify with now I know I used to be able to identify with.
Peace!
I really see some levels of codependency in my life. I know I shouldn't have to answer yes to all of those questions to see it. Even some of the questions I can't identify with now I know I used to be able to identify with.
Peace!
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