Bottoms Part 106
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Paul,
No lectures from me but I want to share something you might relate to. When I went back to drinking last Xmas, I eventually realised not only was it not working for me as it used to(no more highs-just more misery but I felt compelled to do it.That's addiction) but also-moving forward felt impossible too.I already felt like such a failure and it was easy to buy into the idea that I was just not 'ready'.
It didn't take long for my relapsing to turn into the fact that I was simply 'in between drinks' and I was terrified. It's awful to find yourself at the point where you realise you can't go back-but in order to go forward you have to face a lot of previously buried fear.
It was fkn scarey initially for me to face things-to make myself get out in the world again and relate to people-and to reconnect with people here online. But I found the more I shared, the more I was honest, little by little it got better.
I didn't always like what I was told, either-but mostly because I knew they were right(dammit-lol) but I also knew everything said to me was from love.My own fear tried to turn that into something else-but I've learned-slowly-that most of my fears are unfounded, and buying into them keeps love out.And I need to experience love or, well, why else be here?
Anyway-I'm rambling now.I just wanted you to know I understand how scary it can be to change, but I also want you to know I believe you can do it.I don't want you to escalate, like I did and end up in a really horrible place.
You have so much love here, even if it's not expressed in the ways you always like, it's still there. Don't forget that.
Oh-and yeah-don't drink again ok? LOL
Julesxox
No lectures from me but I want to share something you might relate to. When I went back to drinking last Xmas, I eventually realised not only was it not working for me as it used to(no more highs-just more misery but I felt compelled to do it.That's addiction) but also-moving forward felt impossible too.I already felt like such a failure and it was easy to buy into the idea that I was just not 'ready'.
It didn't take long for my relapsing to turn into the fact that I was simply 'in between drinks' and I was terrified. It's awful to find yourself at the point where you realise you can't go back-but in order to go forward you have to face a lot of previously buried fear.
It was fkn scarey initially for me to face things-to make myself get out in the world again and relate to people-and to reconnect with people here online. But I found the more I shared, the more I was honest, little by little it got better.
I didn't always like what I was told, either-but mostly because I knew they were right(dammit-lol) but I also knew everything said to me was from love.My own fear tried to turn that into something else-but I've learned-slowly-that most of my fears are unfounded, and buying into them keeps love out.And I need to experience love or, well, why else be here?
Anyway-I'm rambling now.I just wanted you to know I understand how scary it can be to change, but I also want you to know I believe you can do it.I don't want you to escalate, like I did and end up in a really horrible place.
You have so much love here, even if it's not expressed in the ways you always like, it's still there. Don't forget that.
Oh-and yeah-don't drink again ok? LOL
Julesxox
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
I'm sometimes guilty of arsing about on here and forgetting the real reason why we're here.
Lots of people wanting to help you Stoney, I'm only just getting to know you, none of my business really, hope you work it out though.
Lots of people wanting to help you Stoney, I'm only just getting to know you, none of my business really, hope you work it out though.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Stoney,
You know..I never call you Paul because I lost a "Paul"..he was dear to me.
Someday? I'll tell the story, but not now.
The disease took him at a young age..in the prime of life.
I do apologize for yesterday's rant. If I were in Alanon ( I should be because of
my own probs) and were practicing the principles..I would not have let go on you
as I did.
I know enough about the program to know this..badgering the active alcoholic
is like beating a sick dog...their words, not mine.
And, as I said...no one could have told me anything..even when I was throwing
up pieces of my own liver. And then drink a warm beer to settle my stomach after.
I know how it is. That's why it hurts to see another I care about go through this crap.
So no more lectures from me.
I just love you.
No mean IO crap. No mas.
You know..I never call you Paul because I lost a "Paul"..he was dear to me.
Someday? I'll tell the story, but not now.
The disease took him at a young age..in the prime of life.
I do apologize for yesterday's rant. If I were in Alanon ( I should be because of
my own probs) and were practicing the principles..I would not have let go on you
as I did.
I know enough about the program to know this..badgering the active alcoholic
is like beating a sick dog...their words, not mine.
And, as I said...no one could have told me anything..even when I was throwing
up pieces of my own liver. And then drink a warm beer to settle my stomach after.
I know how it is. That's why it hurts to see another I care about go through this crap.
So no more lectures from me.
I just love you.
No mean IO crap. No mas.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Thanks Astro.
Jules, thankyou too. The fact that I didn't want to hear the truth hit me like a ton of bricks when Dee said it earlier.
It isn't ganging up but my addled brain keeps trying to tell me it is because it doesn't want truth...I feel pretty embarrassed right now, I just hope people will understand that my head is messed.
Jules, thankyou too. The fact that I didn't want to hear the truth hit me like a ton of bricks when Dee said it earlier.
It isn't ganging up but my addled brain keeps trying to tell me it is because it doesn't want truth...I feel pretty embarrassed right now, I just hope people will understand that my head is messed.
Originally Posted by Jules
I didn't always like what I was told, either-but mostly because I knew they were right(dammit-lol) but I also knew everything said to me was from love.My own fear tried to turn that into something else-but I've learned-slowly-that most of my fears are unfounded, and buying into them keeps love out.And I need to experience love or, well, why else be here?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Thanks Sher, badgering an alcoholic is like beating a sick dog, lol.
That is what I was getting at, however my getting defensive was a part of my denial. I can see that now, maybe it is a mini-breakthrough? I do appreciate that so many care about me.
That is what I was getting at, however my getting defensive was a part of my denial. I can see that now, maybe it is a mini-breakthrough? I do appreciate that so many care about me.
~miss nikky~
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: windsor gardens, south australia, australia
Posts: 1,984
Originally Posted by frstnm 
Im just not feeling real connected to any higher power and dont seem to have any faith atm. I struggle w depression too. It sucks. For the most part it comes and goes.
Feel a little stuck in my recovery....have been thinking that maybe this is a sign that I need to start step work ? Sober....tho'.
Anyone have any input on this ?
:wtf2:praying
Feel a little stuck in my recovery....have been thinking that maybe this is a sign that I need to start step work ? Sober....tho'.
Anyone have any input on this ?
:wtf2:praying
i found that until i did step work i was nothing more than a "dry addict" talking the talk not walking the walk. this is only me though,others may be different an im in no way saying this is you.
i myself busted 4times ay step 4 yet this doesnt fill me with fear today for i know that that was then this is now,
all i remember is that its no race to get there
keep it in the day
an the day is good
i will stop babbling now an simply wish you well
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Gyps, I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father - how terrible. Please update us as soon as you can.
I'm overwhelmed, reading this thread, by what has evolved over the last several hours since I last logged in.
I care about all of you so very much. I'm touched to see the deep emotional bonds that are being formed.
And Paul, please don't be embarrassed by any of this. You're fresh from a relapse and understandably not at your best. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I'm overwhelmed, reading this thread, by what has evolved over the last several hours since I last logged in.
I care about all of you so very much. I'm touched to see the deep emotional bonds that are being formed.
And Paul, please don't be embarrassed by any of this. You're fresh from a relapse and understandably not at your best. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hope you don't think anyones badgered anyone here Sher. I certainly don't feel I have 
I never like that saying anyway - alcoholics aren't sick dogs, we have a degree of responsibility in our sickness IMO
all this before 7.30 am lol -
I'm off to eat some brekky!
D
I never like that saying anyway - alcoholics aren't sick dogs, we have a degree of responsibility in our sickness IMO
all this before 7.30 am lol -
I'm off to eat some brekky!
D
~miss nikky~
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: windsor gardens, south australia, australia
Posts: 1,984
Originally Posted by Dee74
Co-dependency? FFS.
This is a recovery site - not a social group.
This is a recovery site - not a social group.
love you huni with so much heart
i have to say yes this is a recovery board yet at times its hard to differentiate between the two here at bottoms
just my experience an not a slag at anyone so please no-one jump me.
GYPS big hugs to you an prayers for yr step
how awfull, i know what its like to have a loved one in hospital facing near death especially at xmas, my mum has chronic pulmonary lung disease an was in hospital with respitory failure while i was in rehab.
my thoughts are with you
morning from australia to all other idiots!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hope you don't think anyones badgered anyone here Sher. I certainly don't feel I have
I never like that saying anyway - alcoholics aren't sick dogs, we have a degree of responsibility in our sickness IMO
D
I never like that saying anyway - alcoholics aren't sick dogs, we have a degree of responsibility in our sickness IMO
D
No...I never liked the saying...either. The point Alanon makes..is to detach
from the behavior. Where is cmc when I need her?
Give a rusty Alanoner a break...pleeeze?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Originally Posted by paulmh
It's Kierkegaard. I think it's from Fear and Trembling. That was a book he wrote about faith. He examined faith from the perspective of Abraham, who was instructed by il capo do tutti capi to sacrifice the son he had waited till his nineties to have. Isaac was only saved from the knife by the intervention of an angel.
If you want to read the book you'll find it in the "Humour" section of most bookshops.
If you want to read the book you'll find it in the "Humour" section of most bookshops.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
5 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this .
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this .
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
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