I feel like using.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
I feel like using.
I can't believe I am actually typing these words. I am really going through some tough thoughts and feelings right now.
I am embarrassed. I keep thinking that none of you want to hear this sh*t from me. Like you're thinking "OMG when is this dumb b*tch gonna stop complaining".
In 3 days I will hopefully celebrate 9 years clean. My head is telling me that I am not capable of doing it. My disease keeps telling me to just go ahead and get it over with now. "There is no way I can stay clean so I may as well just get it over with quickly and be done with it". I know rationally that all of these things are lies, but the feeling inside is so intense.
I've had some moments over the years where I've thought of using, and I was able to dismiss the thought as quickly as it came, but this is over-whelming. It is this constant non-stop round and round in my head. I haven't really been able to sleep at night for the past 5 days. I find myself wandering around the house, or scanning through the computer. But, tonite is the scariest it's been. I almost feel as though I am just going to act on impulse without thinking of the consequences first.
I've tried to pick up the phone and call someone, but I put it right back down. It feels as though my voice is stuck in my throat.
I know that this too shall pass, and that I go through emotions every year around my anniversary, but I also need to get this out of my head somehow, that is why I came here.
Please, keep me in your prayers for the next few days. I really don't want to f*** up and prove my disease right.
I am embarrassed. I keep thinking that none of you want to hear this sh*t from me. Like you're thinking "OMG when is this dumb b*tch gonna stop complaining".
In 3 days I will hopefully celebrate 9 years clean. My head is telling me that I am not capable of doing it. My disease keeps telling me to just go ahead and get it over with now. "There is no way I can stay clean so I may as well just get it over with quickly and be done with it". I know rationally that all of these things are lies, but the feeling inside is so intense.
I've had some moments over the years where I've thought of using, and I was able to dismiss the thought as quickly as it came, but this is over-whelming. It is this constant non-stop round and round in my head. I haven't really been able to sleep at night for the past 5 days. I find myself wandering around the house, or scanning through the computer. But, tonite is the scariest it's been. I almost feel as though I am just going to act on impulse without thinking of the consequences first.
I've tried to pick up the phone and call someone, but I put it right back down. It feels as though my voice is stuck in my throat.
I know that this too shall pass, and that I go through emotions every year around my anniversary, but I also need to get this out of my head somehow, that is why I came here.
Please, keep me in your prayers for the next few days. I really don't want to f*** up and prove my disease right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: somewhere
Posts: 3,384
One day at a time
I am so glad that you came on here and shared. I know that it gets a little weird around any recovery anniversary but I know that you can get thru this. This disease doesn't have to win. Make yourself pick up that phone and reach out. Make sure you are doing something recovery related each day. These feelings will pass. Sometimes these things just last longer than other times, but the feelings will fade and go away. Hang in there and dont give in to that first one because you know that one is too many. You won't get high if you don't pick up that first one. Thanks for sharing sweetie, please remember that we are here for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
~*Faith, hope & love*~
Love,
Angel
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
~*Faith, hope & love*~
Love,
Angel
Greatful Sober Biker
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Cottonwood AZ.
Posts: 521
Hey namommy, I know how you fell about using i felt that way at times before my clean date. I am comming up on 5 years and for the first two years i felt like getting high but i would share at meetings and let my sponcer know how i was feeling.Today i don't have them thoughts. Keep on shareing here and let people know how you feel. And get some sleep ok.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Like Earnie says "If drugs are the answer, then what's the question"? When I feel like using I share it, get suggestions, and read Recovery and Relapse, I also read Triangle of Self-Obsession. Complacency shows up and when we aren't surrendering daily and letting God do for me what I can't do for, or won'tdo for myself, my disease Is right there. If my thinking every year at the same time "Anniversary Blues" creeps up, I am not doing things differently. If every year the samething is happening, I am playing games with my recovery. "Once I hit that milestone, I can start living again", Time to dive in at a new level. Sometimes I think we forget that spiritual growth is on going recovery, not that feeling I had 6 months ago so I can survive for a while on that one and be ok. Acts of insanity? Reservations?
One extra meeting, one extra minute on the phone, helping that newcomer stay clean on extra day. These extra efforts are a VITAL part of this process. PROCESS!!!!!!!!
A gratitude list might help, it does me when I feel worthless, and come to find out I am just feeding my disease because I am not comfortable for some reason or other. Maybe I didn't pick up the phone when someone was reaching out. I acted on impulse instead of thinking it through and it hurt someones feelings and I want to isolate myself.
I understand why the feelings are hard to deal with, you know nobody thinks less of you because at almost 9 years you are struggling. We get past all the hooplaa and get busy with step work and service and we get better. Once pride and ego are out of the way, we can surrender and accept ourselve as we are and grow.
I have faith in you today, and I know you will be ok.
Peace,
Todd J.
One extra meeting, one extra minute on the phone, helping that newcomer stay clean on extra day. These extra efforts are a VITAL part of this process. PROCESS!!!!!!!!
A gratitude list might help, it does me when I feel worthless, and come to find out I am just feeding my disease because I am not comfortable for some reason or other. Maybe I didn't pick up the phone when someone was reaching out. I acted on impulse instead of thinking it through and it hurt someones feelings and I want to isolate myself.
I understand why the feelings are hard to deal with, you know nobody thinks less of you because at almost 9 years you are struggling. We get past all the hooplaa and get busy with step work and service and we get better. Once pride and ego are out of the way, we can surrender and accept ourselve as we are and grow.
I have faith in you today, and I know you will be ok.
Peace,
Todd J.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Young Harris, Georgia
Posts: 2
Stay Strong
I have tried to quit using four times in the past and I let it get the best of me everytime. I would last for months and then just one day give in. Just remember it won't be any easier to quit the next time, if anything it gets harder everytime! STAY STRONG AND BEST OF WISHES TO YOU!
Alex
Alex
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: home sweet home
Posts: 302
Oh NA MOMMY<
Stay with someone here......don't do it.......you have come too far and if you can occupy yourself a little longer, it will pass DON"T PLEASE. I enjoy your posts, and reading how far you have come. Others will be along shortly, hang in there.
Hugs to you
Stay with someone here......don't do it.......you have come too far and if you can occupy yourself a little longer, it will pass DON"T PLEASE. I enjoy your posts, and reading how far you have come. Others will be along shortly, hang in there.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Good on ya Laurie!
What an insidious thing addiction is. First it tells us that we should just go use and get it over with and when our higher emotional and mental process kicks in to tell us we don't want to return to that despair we got here with, adiction tries to talk us out of telling on ourselves because we have some clean time.
We can't afford the false pride addiction tries to smother us in, and although I have to admit there are times I don't want to share because it sounds like I'm complaining, if it means the difference between making it through another day clean or returning to that "glamorous" life where I'm completely consumed by the mission of getting and using and finding ways and means to get more.......... well I hope I bitch, cry, whine, and complain until my sense of gratitide comes back.
Whats that say?
"A grateful addict never uses."
sending up a prayer for you to recover your gratitude. In the meantime throw all your expectatons of "how things should be" and find the joy of acceptance in them exactly the way they are.
(((((((((Laurie))))))))))
What an insidious thing addiction is. First it tells us that we should just go use and get it over with and when our higher emotional and mental process kicks in to tell us we don't want to return to that despair we got here with, adiction tries to talk us out of telling on ourselves because we have some clean time.
We can't afford the false pride addiction tries to smother us in, and although I have to admit there are times I don't want to share because it sounds like I'm complaining, if it means the difference between making it through another day clean or returning to that "glamorous" life where I'm completely consumed by the mission of getting and using and finding ways and means to get more.......... well I hope I bitch, cry, whine, and complain until my sense of gratitide comes back.
Whats that say?
"A grateful addict never uses."
sending up a prayer for you to recover your gratitude. In the meantime throw all your expectatons of "how things should be" and find the joy of acceptance in them exactly the way they are.
(((((((((Laurie))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Well, I got to here. I am feeling a little better this morning, but I still have the "hole in the gut" feeling. I've been walking around with that for days.
I sat here last night and looked at the clock. I was after mid-night here, but I remembered it was only 9:30 in Arizona. I have a sponsee who recently moved to Arizona. I called her. We talked for a while, and I did feel alot better talking about it. I did finally fall asleep last night.
I will talk to my sponsor about it today. I did share last night at a meeting and a few other nights this week what is going on with me and how I am feeling.
I really would like to be able to pull my brain out of my head and have it detailed.
I sat here last night and looked at the clock. I was after mid-night here, but I remembered it was only 9:30 in Arizona. I have a sponsee who recently moved to Arizona. I called her. We talked for a while, and I did feel alot better talking about it. I did finally fall asleep last night.
I will talk to my sponsor about it today. I did share last night at a meeting and a few other nights this week what is going on with me and how I am feeling.
I really would like to be able to pull my brain out of my head and have it detailed.
I'm an addict.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
Thanks for sharing that laurie,
I just got 6 months and I was feeling kinda guilty b/c I still want to use some times (especially this last week or so) eventhough I know it will only make my life worse. My disease has been telling me recently, that "everyone relapses at least once, you should just go ahesd and do it, that way you can come back and have a relapse under your belt and you'll fit in better..." Logically I know it is utter ******** and that relapse isn't a requirement for membership, but my addict can be pretty damn convincing sometimes and I still have thoses feelings I can't reason away with all the logic in the world.
You have helped me so much in my short time here b/c of your honesty.
Thanks,
Blake
I just got 6 months and I was feeling kinda guilty b/c I still want to use some times (especially this last week or so) eventhough I know it will only make my life worse. My disease has been telling me recently, that "everyone relapses at least once, you should just go ahesd and do it, that way you can come back and have a relapse under your belt and you'll fit in better..." Logically I know it is utter ******** and that relapse isn't a requirement for membership, but my addict can be pretty damn convincing sometimes and I still have thoses feelings I can't reason away with all the logic in the world.
You have helped me so much in my short time here b/c of your honesty.
Thanks,
Blake
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
It is this constant non-stop round and round in my head.
Mine does the same thing... uninvited...
I went back out after 16 years clean... and lemme tell ya... it's the same lonely path it was back when I was totally gone...
Now I ride that bytch out.. cause there is no argueing with her... and the more I try.. the louder she gets...
I know it's been a struggle for ya lately gurl... and I've been praying for you....
And it ain't complaining....
Your struggle validates my own...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
Laurie,
I'm sure this will ease up soon. As you said, it is probably due to the anniversary and your mind playing with you. You are worth the fight you are going through Laurie!
Love, Anna
I'm sure this will ease up soon. As you said, it is probably due to the anniversary and your mind playing with you. You are worth the fight you are going through Laurie!
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: My Own Little World
Posts: 102
Laurie, hang in there. Call me if you want to talk. I don't know if thinking about your kids will help you any, but it helps me to think about my nieces & nephews & how I almost lost them because of this stupid disease.
And think about Bobby & Bobbie. I KNOW you don't want to end up like them. I don't want you to end up like them & we all know that one time is all it takes!!
Anyway, I hope you're starting to feel better now. And I mean it.... feel free to call me if you want to talk!!
And think about Bobby & Bobbie. I KNOW you don't want to end up like them. I don't want you to end up like them & we all know that one time is all it takes!!
Anyway, I hope you're starting to feel better now. And I mean it.... feel free to call me if you want to talk!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 5
I will have you in my prayers
Hey girl I am new here but your message called my attention. Obviously I am not an expert but the reason why i am here is because I love someone that has a big problem and trying to understand isn't easy. God is big he is our strenght. Never give up because we are human beings and we are not perfect. We fall we lie we do stupid things sometimes knowing is the worst thing to do. But God is there in your head and nobody else will understand your heart better than him. I will have you in my prayers.
Good bless.
Good bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Originally Posted by namommy
I really would like to be able to pull my brain out of my head and have it detailed.
what? like with pinstripes airbrushed on? or were you thinking some nice ghost flames over a candy pearl?
I feel ya with teh hole in the gut kiddo. Got one of those goin myself.
I'm gonna give ya nother hug cuz I need one too.
((((((((((Laurie))))))))))
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
(((((Laurie)))))
As soon as I read your post I started to feel that feeling of doom, I hate this f***en disease and what it does to us. I don't know I almost feel the same way today, but I am doing what I have to right now not to pick up. Back home and I am glad that I am not there, they would say "You might as well use cause you are not done, and we need someone to die for us so we can Live!" Needless to say I never went back to that group again, I don't believe that BS anyway, like I can save someones life if I use, LOL. My heart is going out for you right now, you have really been an inspiration to me here at SR. I love you and I am praying for you.
Love Vic
As soon as I read your post I started to feel that feeling of doom, I hate this f***en disease and what it does to us. I don't know I almost feel the same way today, but I am doing what I have to right now not to pick up. Back home and I am glad that I am not there, they would say "You might as well use cause you are not done, and we need someone to die for us so we can Live!" Needless to say I never went back to that group again, I don't believe that BS anyway, like I can save someones life if I use, LOL. My heart is going out for you right now, you have really been an inspiration to me here at SR. I love you and I am praying for you.
Love Vic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Thank you all again. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I read your replies. I feel like crap. I have a tension headache that I know is from stress. I've been talking about how I feel alot to alot of people.
I went to a baseball game tonite with the boy scouts. Alot of beer drinking going on, and then my husband and I started talking about a certain brand of beer on the way home. Just normal conversation about the price of beer, that we have had before, but this time it started to get to me. I simply said, "I need to end this conversation now" and he said 'OK'. It is one of the advantages to being married to another recovering addict. I can tell him when this sh*t is going on. (Not like he doesn't notice that I am in and out of bed all night long). He knows me and he knows when I am in a funk.
((((((((gooch)))))))) some nice ghost flames over a candy pearl might be nice. *LOL*
((((((((to all of us who have a hole in the gut))))))))
God watch over us and get us the heck out of these feelings. Please.
I went to a baseball game tonite with the boy scouts. Alot of beer drinking going on, and then my husband and I started talking about a certain brand of beer on the way home. Just normal conversation about the price of beer, that we have had before, but this time it started to get to me. I simply said, "I need to end this conversation now" and he said 'OK'. It is one of the advantages to being married to another recovering addict. I can tell him when this sh*t is going on. (Not like he doesn't notice that I am in and out of bed all night long). He knows me and he knows when I am in a funk.
((((((((gooch)))))))) some nice ghost flames over a candy pearl might be nice. *LOL*
((((((((to all of us who have a hole in the gut))))))))
God watch over us and get us the heck out of these feelings. Please.
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