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Worried for my friend

Old 08-17-2005, 07:33 AM
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I'm an addict.
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Worried for my friend

THe first person I met since I got clean and became good friends with went back out about 2 months ago. I told her when she left that if she wanted to get clean I'd be there for her but not until then. 2 saturdays ago she called me crying and asked if I could come pick her up from the dope house b/c she needed to go to her mom's to detox again. I did that and eventhough she was sad and feeling like ****, I was happy b/c I knew all that would pass and I'd get my sarah back again. She detoxed and called me everyday pretty much to whine to me and for me to assure her the sickness was going to pass. last weekend she stayed at my house so I could take her to some of our meetings. The problem she was having was she couldn't stay permanantly at her mom's house and the rest of her family has cut all tie to her, so we called a few people we knew that were clean and in positions to help her get into a halfway house or oxford house, but nnowhere had any spots, a few places did but she had to go to 30 day treatment before they'd let her in. Sarah has been to every treatment facillity in LA and she has been banned from comming back to anyof them, so rehab was out the question. After talking to her sponsor she decided she was going to stay at the homeless shelter here in town till a bed came up at the halfway house her friend is in charge of. Her sponsor thought this was a good idea and so did I and the rest of her friends. Yesterday I went and picked her up from her mom's and drove her to the shelter. I have never been to a homeless shelter. I was helping her get her stuff out the car and bringing it back to her room and I felt soooooo bad for her and soooooo scared for her. She was trying to act all hard, but I could see she was scared as hell in her eyes. I don't blame her, there were people talking to themselves and a couple of people looked all geeked out and were acting all shady.

I hugged her and told her I loved her and I left.

I wanted to tell her....."sarah, **** this...you're comming to stay at my house, I have an extra room"

I wanted to let sarah move in my house last time she got clean, but my sponsor "suggested" that was a horrible idea to have a girl at a house with 2 dudes fresh in recovery. So I know what he is going to say if I ask him if it would be okay for her to move in now. Also my roommate greg, doesn't want her to move in without having more clean time under her belt, which I can kinda agree on. I just feel like an ******* letting her stay at that place when I have a perfectly good, vacant room less than a mile away.

Another thing that I haven't told anyone is that I love sarah, more than a friend. She is one of the most unique and special people I have ever met. It's wierd b/c I'm not physically attracted to her, but I still am attracted to her. I have never been attracted to someone that isn't georgeous(dickheadish, I know, but thats haow things honestly were). It's wierd...but I'll admit that my judgement is probably pretty clouded b/c of this fact.

I don't know what to do. My mind tells me that I should just let things run the way they are going and my heart tells me that I need to go there right now and tell her to pack her **** and move in to my house ASAP.

Any advice????PLEASE!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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Old 08-17-2005, 07:40 AM
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Dave_B.
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We don't give advice, do we? At least that is what the 12th step and the 5th tradition say. As for the rest, you pretty much answered your questions already. YOu have done what you can, bringing the person to your home seems like a bad idea to you and your roomate and no doubt for good reason, first and foremost you already have mixed feelings about the person. You have already laid it all out brother, the choice is your weather to give in to your co-dependecy or not. No one else can make that choice for you and I am sure as hell not going to even try.
 
Old 08-17-2005, 07:51 AM
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Blake,
Since Sarah is close to your home can you go visit/check up on her? I wish I could tell you what to do. I am a mom, my 18 year s/a just left home after being in rehab 25 days. I read some of your blog last night. Blake, check on your friend. Thank God she is close to you. She is lucky to have you.....stay strong....don't be afraid to love her......beauty fades.......but love is gift, a beautiful gift....take care and please let me know how you are doing.
I care,
Lynn
NJ
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Old 08-17-2005, 07:58 AM
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I'm an addict.
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Dave- DIRTY SOUTH REPREZENT!!!!!!!

Thanks, you sound like my sponsor I think I'll keep my codie at bay


Lynn- Thanks, I'm taking her to luch today on my luch break. She is beautiful, not in the conventional sense, but in her own way. I hope everything works out for your child, I'll pray for them.
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Old 08-17-2005, 10:07 AM
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Damn....

I just left sarah back at the shelter and it feels like I have a rock in my stomach. She is trying to act all hard at the place, but she told me how scarred she is. Her dad called and told her how much it hurts him that his daughter is in a homeless shelter, but she told him that she is where she needs to be and that she has to do it on her own. So I'm gonna keep the invites to stay at my place out of the equation. I'm scared for her though. Last night she said she was outside smoking and a guy came running through the woods and asked if "bobby" was there then he just pulled out a crack pipe and hit it standing right outside the shelter. I am scared and it sucks, I feel helpless, I wish I could fix the situation, this sucks, I don't like how I'm feeling. I know what is supposed to happen is going to happen, but I don't want her to get hurt.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!KAJSFH;ASKLDFHAS;DLFH. ****!!!!!!!!!

sorry, I had to get that out...
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Old 08-17-2005, 10:21 AM
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Blake,

I will keep you my my thought and prayers.
Love,
Lynn
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Old 08-17-2005, 10:56 AM
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My experience

My experience has been that no matter how much we care about or love another person we can't work their program for them. We also can't make them work their program, want to work their program, quit using or anything. It is useless to even try. My experience has also been that if an addict wants to use they'll use whether they are in a nice rehab with no drugs around or they are in a homeless shelter with guys running around with pipes. I used to hear all the excuses about why he (my ah) used but all they were were excuses. It didn't matter how good things were or how bad things were if he wanted to use, he used. As far as helping. Sometimes by helping we are actually hurting. I've learned that the hard way. I tried to help my ah for so many years by supporting him, letting him live with me rent free, paying all the expenses, paying his tickets so he wouldn't go to jail. All because I loved him and wanted to help him. I've just recently found out that all that was hurting him because 1) it allowed him to continue on in his addiction without experiencing any of the consequences of his actions that might make him realize the problem and want to quit and 2) by taking care of everything for him I robbed him of the opportunity to take care of it himself. Anyway I have been a major codie without realizing it for the past 9 years with another addict. Don't go there! Let her take care of herself, make her own decisions, experience her own consequences. It's the best thing you can do for her.
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Old 08-17-2005, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Blake
AHHHHHHHHH!!!KAJSFH;ASKLDFHAS;DLFH. ****!!!!!!!!!
Oh my, such language! LMAO!!! *just teasin'* I have to laugh, thinking about you typing scribble out of anger, though. Feels good, don't it?!
**************{BLAKE}}}}}}}}}} You are a wonderful, loving friend, Blake! What a sweetheart you've been to Sarah. She's very lucky to have you in her life, and I think you're doing an amazing job. And how awesome that you are aware of your codie tendencies and are keeping them in check, giving her what you are able to without enabling. That's something to be proud of! You know this shelter is only temporary. Hopefully it'll be a great tool in keeping her from wanting to use ... she won't wanna end up back there again, that's for sure. And don't feel guilty, Blake, about not inviting her to live with you and your roommate. You know it would threaten your recovery and that of your roommate. As much as you care for her, you need to take care of YOU. I say keep doing what you're doing, make phone calls for her, listen to her, take her to meetings, visit when you can .... but let her work her own recovery and just be supportive. Basically, keep doing what you're doing, cuz it sounds like you're on the right path. I'm proud of you! Keep us updated, k?

Sending prayers your way ......
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Old 08-18-2005, 08:02 PM
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Blake,
She is so fortunate to have someone with direction, and who cares so deeply for her.
The thing is you can relate, you have been there. BUT
YOu know you cannot cure her....just be yourself. She must figure out on her own, and maybe that will be God's lesson to remind her how she can take charge of her own life. Sorry.....I know it is hurtful and natural to want to help. Keep on taking care of you, and being supportive. She will find a way out, and who knows? Those feelings you have discovered may just be hidden in her heart too.
Thinking of you.
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