igotthis04

short and to the point. i was addicted to prescription pain pills for about 3 yrs. after months and months o being sick, depressed, and overall unhappy i decided that was IT. i traveled to another country w/out the drug in order to give myself no other option than to get clean. i did it alone. 3 weeks of withdrawals, giver or take, then i finally (physically) started to feel better. long story short, today is supposed to be 4 months. now i ****** up 5 times since then, but it wasn't the same. i can go about 2 weeks w/out thinking about it, but the second something gets tough my mind goes back there. now when i "****** up" i did low low low dose compared to what i used to do and it just sucked and i felt like not only a piece of ****, but also a failure. a couple weeks would go by then oh **** it isnt a big deal ill just take one. i need to get that **** out of my head!!! my thing is, how the **** do i not be high and be happy you know? i literally have no more sober endorphins in my body, at least thats what it seems like. any way i just wanna hear some positive stuff because i KNOW im not the only one going through this!!!

klynn39

well pretty similar. My drug of choice was pain pills. for years. I couldn't get clean where I was either and didn't leave the country, but drove to the complete opposite coast and got clean on my own too. (unpleasant....)
I've messed up, and got clean, and messed up, and got clean... long road but I keep trying. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the mess-ups...they happen, and you can't change them after the fact. Wanting to get away from them is a huge step. The physical part is the easy part I think, getting through the initial withdrawals. It's when our addict brain starts telling us we need them again. THAT is hard to get through! You can do it - you can get over that 2 week hump - just keep trying. You deserve it.

I remember when I thought I would never even be able to carry on a conversation with someone unless I had a pill first. Guess what? I can

Don't beat yourself up, realize it's a tough road but just the fact that you're trying is a success. (in my book) Don't give up - keep posting here, getting frustrations out and getting advice from people who have been or are where you are can be a huge help.

I'm just on day 4 of being off them again, right now I'm just trying to get through tonight. You do the same. Tomorrow is a new day!!

Threshold

Honest question here...at the end, were you happy ON the pills?

I wasn't. I got to where the pills, booze etc weren't making me happy at all, just desperate. Just gave the one more reason to say life was crap and F it all.

Going back wouldn't mean picking up happiness, it would mean picking up misery.

I'm not going to lie, life isn't a piece of happy cake now, but I have the huge issue of active addiction gone, so that's a good thing.

I do have times of happiness, joy and fun, so I know it's possible.

There is pretty much nothing on earth worth going through withdrawal again for me.

The thing that finally did it for me (I was on the relapse train for awhile) was taking the option off the table. Just wasn't going back, no matter what. Pills became dead to me.

I still think about them from time to time, like I think about my ex husband, but just like that, I know that even if we got together again, it wouldn't be the same. Things couldn't ever be like that again. It was horrible towards the end, the good days were long gone.

What I really want in life is a base of OKness. I can work with that. There will be good times and bad times, but OK will be my base level. That's a huge improvement for me. Anyway, that's my story.

Gmoney

I went to rehab. After rehab I went to a lot of meetings and surrounded myself with people who weren't using drugs and knew how to stay clean. They offered me some simple suggestions and told me to "keep coming back." I followed their suggestions and as a result I haven't used a drug in over 15 yrs.

keylimekc

Threshold... Hi, I read your thread about how you think of your ex husband and know that even if you were clean and you got back together that nothing would ever be the same... My girlfriend who I love so so much, found out about my relapse, freaked out and we broke up. Part of me feels like when I get clean we will get back together and be happy, but like you I feel like the good days are long gone and nothing could ever be the same. Even if I was clean and never touched another pain pill... Is there away of going back? Or will the trust and love always be damaged? Part of me feels like she abandoned me, when I know that's really not the case. She was hurt and angry that I lied. She is still trying to be supportive on my way to recovery, but is it just making it harder? When it comes to her I'm a mess! I almost feel like I'm addicted to her too