Trying to stay clean
 

I tried crack for the first time in the summer of 08 & it wasn't really my thing, then in Feb 09 a close friend of mine got kicked out and started staying at a crackhouse. the more time I spent with him the more I spent around crack. I have been with my husband for 14 years and he had no idea what was goin on. One night I spent a whole mortgage payment ($1,100). He was furious. I ended up telling him the next day when I came home what I was doing. He asked if I needed help & I told him I have it under control. No one has it under control when they are smoking crack, you may think you do, but you dont. As the months went on, money was disappearing more & more. I was in charge of the finances so I knew what I was spending & my husband had no idea. After we were a few months behind on our first & second mortage, along with other bills, it was time he took over before I either was divorced or dead. Jan 2010 he gave me a chioce & I said I will change, at least I thought I could. I stopped working, he took my cell away & I had no access to my car. I came into some money a few months ago & I put it away & I just had the stuff delivered to my house without him knowing. Things are more out of control now then they were last year. I have spent over $5,000 just in the last 3 months.
I ran out of money & started taking checks from my husbands personal account, making them out to me & signing his name. He reported me to the bank 2 days ago & he said that it is up to me if he will take legal action. He has had enough & don't know what else to do. The thought of going to prison scares me & I really do want to change, at least if not for me for him & my 7 year old son. That is when i came here. I have been clean for 3 days now & that has been a record for me. I have not made it more than a day in almost 6 months. I dont know how something so small can affect your body so much & make you want to do it so bad. I wish I was never so stupid to even try this drug.

Welcome! Glad you are here. You are not alone. Have you been to a NA meeting yet? There (as well as here) you will meet other people that have similar stories--can offer their experience, strength, hope. Help is possible. We do recover. :grouphug:

I second Angelina's suggestion. I tried to do this alone and found it impossible.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

I have not been to any NA meetings, this is the first step I've taken into anything. I keep telling myself that I can do it & don' t need professional help, buts it's just so hard. I've read that people saying now that the weather is getting nicer, they are getting the urge & I so know what they are talking about.
I keep finding stuff to do to keep busy & I'm good for maybe 2 days, then something just goes off in my head & I keep saying, "oh only 1 more time, just a little & I will be fine". but thats not the case. This is just driving me crazy cause im not the type to have such an addictive personality.

NA isn't a professional organization. It's addicts helping addicts stay clean.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Addictive Freaking Personality???? WTF!!!
 

"I ran out of money & started taking checks from my husbands personal account, making them out to me & signing his name. He reported me to the bank 2 days ago & he said that it is up to me if he will take legal action. He has had enough & don't know what else to do. The thought of going to prison scares me & I really do want to change, at least if not for me for him & my 7 year old son".

Your Husband husband wants to send you to prison because of your addictive behavior? You smoke crack over and over and over and over in spite of the profound damage you are doing to your family, to your seven year old son? and you say you don't have an addictive personality?

You are so much more than a mere "addictive personality". You are a crack addict and a liar and a thief and a child abuser, and you worry about going to prison? What about the prison you've put them in?!!!!!

Please understand this; just about every addict I've ever met has a story about neglect and conflict and emotional abandonment in their family of origin whether mind altering substances are involved or not, and your son will be no different. He is at the most important developmental stage of his life, and you show him by your actions that you choose the pipe over him nearly every chance you get.

You speak only of the possible consequences to yourself. You are terrorizing your family with your actions! What must be going through your husband's mind when he is faced with the insane choice of sending his wife to prison or living with her insane behavior? And your child is fully aware of the tremendous conflict you are causing.

If staying stopped is a problem, my suggestion is simple; Get yourself checked into a 90 day treatment facility Level four or above, and do everything they tell you to do. And don't you dare bitch about the money, you have already spent way more on crack than the price of admission. Good luck.

P.S. It isn't humanly possible to get sober for someone else. Go after your sobriety as though they don't exist. If you don't begin to put your sobriety first, you will lose them anyway.

Yes I agree that I have put my husband through hell. My son has no idea what is going on, I have never done it when he was any where around, nor have I been around him when I was under the influence. My husband & I do not argue around my child and we are doing everything we can do make our marriage work for him and us. I have been clean for 3 weeks now and so far do not have the urge for it. I did coke every day for 2 years and walked away from it one day & have not touched it since (its been 9 years now). So lets hope that walking away from smoking it wont be as hard. Its been 3 weeks and no desire to touch it.

Give an NA meeting a try
 

That's what you wrote on 4/15, and today (10 days later) you say:

Sounds like 13 days to me. Good job, but I think you still ought to give NA meetings a shot. Our literature talks about how many of us were able to stop using for periods of time...and began to think we were ok...we were too busy looking at the stopping instead of the using. NA and the 12 Steps are my best defense against relapse.

G

You truly are not alone....
 

It is scary and intimidating but the best thing is you Don't have to fight this alone. You already completed the first step you "admitted you were powerless over your addiction" the seems like it is so simple, but guess what you Sid the HARDEST part already, NA and AA as well are a great place and way to meet and connect with others who can support you. It is ok to be fearful, we alllll were, so just remember you are not alone, and we are here when you are ready to share with us your experiences , strengths , and hopes. :-)

Also.... I know from the experience of living with someone with the addiction to crack and you didn't mention anything about this but keep in mind "..... Alcohol has caused a great number of addicts to relapse." and I know from my husband being addicted that for someone who is the is a vice and will send you back into active addiction, I myself am a recovering heroin addict so I can relate to becoming someone you never thought you would be. I too have a child and a husband but remember this, recovering is a shellfish time and to truly love and be able to support anyone and I mean ANYONE. Else you must love and take care of you. And you do that and give yourself over to a higher power the rest will fall into place

this was 6 months ago...hope she found a way to stay clean AND recover....I started another reply...then I realized how old the post is....and that it is in step 3....Saying a prayer for any addict still suffering that has yet to come into NA

Missy