...but the Vicodin is just right THERE!
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
...but the Vicodin is just right THERE!
I believe the last time I posted here was to talk about how I had gotten on new meds and I was feeling great and found myself in a new relationship and everything was good, a type of good I'd never experienced before.
Well, two times in the last 3 weeks, I've seriously considered suicide. What's shocking to me is that it's the first time in over 12 years. I'm in such a state.. I mean I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, because I have an inate quality to talk myself off of any and every ledge, but..... there are times when I just don't want to. I don't want to be that strong for myself, I want to feel what I feel and have someone else be that strong for me, is that bad?
Long story short, this relationship ended as all my other ones have - with infidelity and lies. After being told repeatedly by this guy that he wanted a relationship with me, he then starts being really... well.. ****** to me. Downright mean. I, of course, begin to question myself... what did I do, blah blah. Half listening to my closest friend, who was, without so many words, blaming me for this guy (who happens to be his friend and roommate - nice, eh?) being so unhappy.. as if I did it. As if I forced this relationship down his throat when I only wanted something casual until HE said he wanted more. I wondered what it was.. or is, about me, that runs off men. I wondered why I couldn't just openly hurt and expect support from my friends instead of having to pretend that I'm "better/stronger than this", because with any sign of weakness or humanness on my part, my friend wants me to suck it up. Then I find out that he's seeing someone else. He just couldn't tell me that, just couldn't be honest, he had to do what others have done to me my whole life, and send me reeling back into a darkness that I haven't seen since I was in my very young and stupid 20s.
Right now, I'm absolutely sick of breathing. The energy that it takes to draw breath just has me exhausted. I have never been so utterly alone, and I don't think I have it in me to just not let myself have this moment of weakness and feel every inch of it because I will drown in it. The only person I have to turn to right now is so busy blaming me for this whole incident, and trying to make sure he stays completely neutral, that he's forgetting the finer points, such as..... me not trusting anyone in 12 years to even attempt to have a relationship. He can't see what an effort it was on my part to even entertain the idea. My trust was spit back in my face, and while I know it wasn't my fault for trusting, I honestly just feel like "f*ck it, I'm done."
I'm home all alone... and I will be for the next 5 days. I have no mode of transportation, and my best friend is too caught up in other **** to see that I'm about to have a meltdown.
Pray for me would ya?
Well, two times in the last 3 weeks, I've seriously considered suicide. What's shocking to me is that it's the first time in over 12 years. I'm in such a state.. I mean I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, because I have an inate quality to talk myself off of any and every ledge, but..... there are times when I just don't want to. I don't want to be that strong for myself, I want to feel what I feel and have someone else be that strong for me, is that bad?
Long story short, this relationship ended as all my other ones have - with infidelity and lies. After being told repeatedly by this guy that he wanted a relationship with me, he then starts being really... well.. ****** to me. Downright mean. I, of course, begin to question myself... what did I do, blah blah. Half listening to my closest friend, who was, without so many words, blaming me for this guy (who happens to be his friend and roommate - nice, eh?) being so unhappy.. as if I did it. As if I forced this relationship down his throat when I only wanted something casual until HE said he wanted more. I wondered what it was.. or is, about me, that runs off men. I wondered why I couldn't just openly hurt and expect support from my friends instead of having to pretend that I'm "better/stronger than this", because with any sign of weakness or humanness on my part, my friend wants me to suck it up. Then I find out that he's seeing someone else. He just couldn't tell me that, just couldn't be honest, he had to do what others have done to me my whole life, and send me reeling back into a darkness that I haven't seen since I was in my very young and stupid 20s.
Right now, I'm absolutely sick of breathing. The energy that it takes to draw breath just has me exhausted. I have never been so utterly alone, and I don't think I have it in me to just not let myself have this moment of weakness and feel every inch of it because I will drown in it. The only person I have to turn to right now is so busy blaming me for this whole incident, and trying to make sure he stays completely neutral, that he's forgetting the finer points, such as..... me not trusting anyone in 12 years to even attempt to have a relationship. He can't see what an effort it was on my part to even entertain the idea. My trust was spit back in my face, and while I know it wasn't my fault for trusting, I honestly just feel like "f*ck it, I'm done."
I'm home all alone... and I will be for the next 5 days. I have no mode of transportation, and my best friend is too caught up in other **** to see that I'm about to have a meltdown.
Pray for me would ya?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
Well, two times in the last 3 weeks, I've seriously considered suicide. What's shocking to me is that it's the first time in over 12 years. I'm in such a state.. I mean I'm fairly sure that I'll be ok, because I have an inate quality to talk myself off of any and every ledge, but..... there are times when I just don't want to. I don't want to be that strong for myself, I want to feel what I feel and have someone else be that strong for me, is that bad?
I am still there tonight. What keeps me from giving in? I don't know....but I am still here. I try to take it one day at a time, if I focus on more than that I get too overwhelmed and that makes me want to give up anymore.
What kept me alive last night? I admit I gave into some of my "unhealthy" coping habits, but I also took my meds early and went to bed. Sleep always helps. I slept for over 13 hours.
The only person I have to turn to right now is so busy blaming me for this whole incident,
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
I'm still hanging on, and wanted to thank everyone for their replies.
I'm locked onto this whole thing, mentally... keep wondering why I'm not expressing myself clearly enough for my friend of 13 years to understand that his continued finger pointing at me and friendship with the person that just emotionally mistreated me is humiliating. When I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to come over to his house anymore, he told me I was "over-reacting". Maybe. Still, not supportive.
I have taken some vicodin - just one. Didn't drink anything, but did take a few sleeping pills a bit ago - only because it's almost 4am, and sleeping, as ranae pointed out, might be the best thing for me. I just can't seem to amp down enough to rest. I guess that's normal when you're in some sort of inner turmoil?
ranae, I also wanted to thank you for sharing with me your ways of coping. I did watch a movie, and for a time, it took me out of myself enough to settle down. I still don't think I need to be here, but for now, I am, and I'll just see if I'm still here at 5am.
Thank you also, upanddownjj - I saw your posting earlier but I wasn't in the best frame of mind to reply, but know I'm thinking about you, and wishing you well. You also, ranae.
I just am so unable to wrap my mind around why someone would want to emotionally destroy someone else, who hasn't done anything to them, and that they know has issues as far as intimacy. I don't understand unjustifiable meanness.
*sigh* I'm gonna try the sleep thing again. Thank you everyone... hope to post again soon.
I'm locked onto this whole thing, mentally... keep wondering why I'm not expressing myself clearly enough for my friend of 13 years to understand that his continued finger pointing at me and friendship with the person that just emotionally mistreated me is humiliating. When I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to come over to his house anymore, he told me I was "over-reacting". Maybe. Still, not supportive.
I have taken some vicodin - just one. Didn't drink anything, but did take a few sleeping pills a bit ago - only because it's almost 4am, and sleeping, as ranae pointed out, might be the best thing for me. I just can't seem to amp down enough to rest. I guess that's normal when you're in some sort of inner turmoil?
ranae, I also wanted to thank you for sharing with me your ways of coping. I did watch a movie, and for a time, it took me out of myself enough to settle down. I still don't think I need to be here, but for now, I am, and I'll just see if I'm still here at 5am.
Thank you also, upanddownjj - I saw your posting earlier but I wasn't in the best frame of mind to reply, but know I'm thinking about you, and wishing you well. You also, ranae.
I just am so unable to wrap my mind around why someone would want to emotionally destroy someone else, who hasn't done anything to them, and that they know has issues as far as intimacy. I don't understand unjustifiable meanness.
*sigh* I'm gonna try the sleep thing again. Thank you everyone... hope to post again soon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
glad to hear you were able to cope with last night, i know it's not easy. I hope you are able to sleep well for awhile, and I hope today is a bit easier to deal with. Let us know how you are doing when you wake up!
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Made it through last night. Still feel the same, don't want to be here, really.
The problem with calling a friend, BSPGirl, is that I only have a very small number of them. My "best friend" is the one I can't call, because he lives with the person who cheated on me. My childhood friend is in the middle of a move, and that's about it. I don't have a lot of people to rely on. I think that's how I developed the skill of being able to talk myself down from the ledge - because if I don't, no one will.
I just got up but don't really think that being awake is good for me right now, so I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Is it ok for someone with depression to sleep like this? I feel like... if I'm not unconscious, I'll just keep thinking about the situation, and crying, and will end up hurting myself. I'm already on the crying thing, so... I'm gonna go lie down again.
The problem with calling a friend, BSPGirl, is that I only have a very small number of them. My "best friend" is the one I can't call, because he lives with the person who cheated on me. My childhood friend is in the middle of a move, and that's about it. I don't have a lot of people to rely on. I think that's how I developed the skill of being able to talk myself down from the ledge - because if I don't, no one will.
I just got up but don't really think that being awake is good for me right now, so I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Is it ok for someone with depression to sleep like this? I feel like... if I'm not unconscious, I'll just keep thinking about the situation, and crying, and will end up hurting myself. I'm already on the crying thing, so... I'm gonna go lie down again.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
I'm still alive - hooray (insert sarcasm here) 
I think the one thing that's wearing me out is that instead of me being confronted with everything all at once, I keep getting depressing tidbits of information nearly every day. In fact, I attempted today to talk to my ex about his actions, and he hung up on me. When I called back, he of course didn't answer. Then later, when I called for someone else, he answered the phone as if he hadn't hung up on me, and was actually civil. My friend said that he's probably feeling guilty for everything he's done, including lying to me about my best friend, and putting our friendship at risk.
Last night, I had a dream that I had called my ex's cell phone, and he had changed his voice mail greeting to one that was making fun of me for even thinking of killing myself. What a way to wake up, eh? The day went slightly downhill from there, but I'm ok. If I feel like crying, I cry. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I don't want to get out of bed I don't. I'm just going to handle myself with kid gloves for a while. I did a bunch of yardwork today, including cutting down branches of my mimosa, and putting wood chips around my rose bushes. Then I called my sister, who just had surgery, and spoke to her for a few. So I'm making sure I don't sink into a depression of epic proportions, but I think that anyone would have the blues like this after being cheated on.
....right? *lol*
I think the one thing that's wearing me out is that instead of me being confronted with everything all at once, I keep getting depressing tidbits of information nearly every day. In fact, I attempted today to talk to my ex about his actions, and he hung up on me. When I called back, he of course didn't answer. Then later, when I called for someone else, he answered the phone as if he hadn't hung up on me, and was actually civil. My friend said that he's probably feeling guilty for everything he's done, including lying to me about my best friend, and putting our friendship at risk.
Last night, I had a dream that I had called my ex's cell phone, and he had changed his voice mail greeting to one that was making fun of me for even thinking of killing myself. What a way to wake up, eh? The day went slightly downhill from there, but I'm ok. If I feel like crying, I cry. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I don't want to get out of bed I don't. I'm just going to handle myself with kid gloves for a while. I did a bunch of yardwork today, including cutting down branches of my mimosa, and putting wood chips around my rose bushes. Then I called my sister, who just had surgery, and spoke to her for a few. So I'm making sure I don't sink into a depression of epic proportions, but I think that anyone would have the blues like this after being cheated on.
....right? *lol*
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Easier said than Done
I know it is Much easier said than done...but why not stop calling him for a while until you feel better...take care of YOU..bubble baths, go to a movie..things that might stop you thinking about the whole situation for
a bit - just till you settle down from the shock of it all..
It is really difficult to think clearly and make rational decisions about what YOU WANT.. when you are in pain over this..
Every time you talk to him - the painful feelings will come up and it is really not as productive to sort things out when we are too emotional.
You may say things you might not mean, he may say things that may hurt you..reactions,reactions....etc....
Anyways...Pretty hard to do...but taking care of you is easier - rather than getting hooked into his stuff, or wondering whats wrong with you (nothing -HE cheated, nothing to do with you)
Hang in there & Take loving care of YOURSELF !! You are WORTH IT !!
(hugs !!) Janni
a bit - just till you settle down from the shock of it all..
It is really difficult to think clearly and make rational decisions about what YOU WANT.. when you are in pain over this..
Every time you talk to him - the painful feelings will come up and it is really not as productive to sort things out when we are too emotional.
You may say things you might not mean, he may say things that may hurt you..reactions,reactions....etc....
Anyways...Pretty hard to do...but taking care of you is easier - rather than getting hooked into his stuff, or wondering whats wrong with you (nothing -HE cheated, nothing to do with you)
Hang in there & Take loving care of YOURSELF !! You are WORTH IT !!
(hugs !!) Janni
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Thanks for the advice, Janni! The real reason I want to get things worked out with him is because I am always at my best friend's house. He finishes work, and we hang out, and laugh, and have a good time. Since this guy lives with my best friend, I feel as if I can't go over there until things are at least civil. But I'm gonna give it a try anyway - it can't hurt!
*deep breath* ....going back to bed. (((Janni)))
*deep breath* ....going back to bed.
(((Janni)))
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Good idea !!
I agree...take a break until things cool down...pamper and rest, pamper and rest....that's what I'm going to do right now..bubble bath and early to bed..OK a bit of TV
Sleep tight - I'll check back on u tomorrow.
xo Janni
Sleep tight - I'll check back on u tomorrow.
xo Janni
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Hey all - sorry I haven't updated. My world was spinning out of control and I just had to make everything stop for a bit.
I stayed in bed, and close to home for quite a number of days. I couldn't make the leap over the big hurdles to start putting this break-up behind me. Truth is that I was utterly offended that he wasn't at all concerned about what he did to me, and I wanted to make him hurt. But that's the funny thing about that kinda hate.. poisons from the inside out. And I knew that, but I still attempted it anyway and it just made me sick.
My mom came home on Sunday, with my dog, and I cried like an infant. I didn't realize how much I missed them. It's at times of crisis that you find out who your true friends are, and only one of mine came to my aid when I was flipping out. Family (usually) loves you no matter what, and as soon as I saw my mom I began to cry. I told her what was going on, and she basically said he's a stupid boy for messing up something that could have been potentially good (coincidentally, that's the same thing HIS mom said to me yesterday).
I had to do several things to put this thing behind me, and the final moves I made were to call his mom and talk to her, and then I called him to see how his new daughter is cuz she's in the hospital with a collapsed lung. It felt nice to be nice to him... I don't know what that means, or what it says about me, but it was a lot easier to be nice than to be mean, because mean just isn't in my nature. I was angry because I still have feelings for him and he's moved on. So I faced the truth, and dealt with it.
At some point, the final kick in the teeth will be seeing him with his new girlfriend, and I don't know how I'll handle that, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. This change in attitude has only been since yesterday, but I'm going to try and keep it going for my own sake.
So that's where I am today. Feeling good, moving on, and oh so relieved to not feel like I'm inches away from a psychotic breakdown. Yay!
I stayed in bed, and close to home for quite a number of days. I couldn't make the leap over the big hurdles to start putting this break-up behind me. Truth is that I was utterly offended that he wasn't at all concerned about what he did to me, and I wanted to make him hurt. But that's the funny thing about that kinda hate.. poisons from the inside out. And I knew that, but I still attempted it anyway and it just made me sick.
My mom came home on Sunday, with my dog, and I cried like an infant. I didn't realize how much I missed them. It's at times of crisis that you find out who your true friends are, and only one of mine came to my aid when I was flipping out. Family (usually) loves you no matter what, and as soon as I saw my mom I began to cry. I told her what was going on, and she basically said he's a stupid boy for messing up something that could have been potentially good (coincidentally, that's the same thing HIS mom said to me yesterday).
I had to do several things to put this thing behind me, and the final moves I made were to call his mom and talk to her, and then I called him to see how his new daughter is cuz she's in the hospital with a collapsed lung. It felt nice to be nice to him... I don't know what that means, or what it says about me, but it was a lot easier to be nice than to be mean, because mean just isn't in my nature. I was angry because I still have feelings for him and he's moved on. So I faced the truth, and dealt with it.
At some point, the final kick in the teeth will be seeing him with his new girlfriend, and I don't know how I'll handle that, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. This change in attitude has only been since yesterday, but I'm going to try and keep it going for my own sake.
So that's where I am today. Feeling good, moving on, and oh so relieved to not feel like I'm inches away from a psychotic breakdown. Yay!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
thanks for the update! I am glad to hear that you are doing better. Sounds like you have a great support system (mom and dog!) and are beginning to heal and move past this difficult loss. You are doing awesome!
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