BlueMoon

disjointed - apologies -

i have felt like *this* for SO much of my life - almost as long as I can remember - but in the past 14 years since I sobered up, it's been getting worse and worse

don't know if it's "just" vivid memories or if it's flashbacks - don't really care what it's called -

they cause massive anxiety attacks - to where i am totally powerless to do just about anything - phone calls, going to the store, cleaning, cooking, eating - it's all too overwhelming - it HURTS physically and emotionally - the day afterwards i am so emotionally hung-over that i still cannot function

all those years i never knew WHY - i thought it was all just part of being Bi-polar - maybe some of it is - but i thought it was "just ME", that that is just how "i am" and that it will always be "this way" -

a while back i posted about my daughter-in-law and in writing, things finally started to 'click'

i see my therapist once a week and talked to her about all this - (she's great!)

i THOUGHT i had dealt with all the BS of my past a long time ago - support groups and all that - now, i think i only scratched the surface - i gained some coping tools but i've never *healed*

i talked with my therapist about going back and starting again - this time, i want to figure out how to help the little girl in me *HEAL* -

i'm really scared - i really don't want to do it - but what i've been doing isn't working at all - it feels like if i don't DO this, i will end up killing myself - i just want to stop hurting

can someone tell me - is there a way to stop the awful anxiety? the fear + pain?
yes i'm on meds + see my pdoc in 10 days - but i want to start learning how to help myself control the roller coaster when it starts - i don't want to just have another med added, i want to learn how to get thru this phase WITHOUT more medications - i think this is part of why i drank for so long - -

i'm trying so hard to be semi-positive - WHY after all this time is this all popping up again??? i dunno - maybe my HP thinks i'm more ready than what i feel - maybe, in learning to live sober and in learning to be open with my therapist as well, maybe i have the right tools this time -

but i'm scared to death and i'm sick to my stomach all the time and i don't want to leave my teeny apt - unless it's dark outside - i don't wanna be like this any more and i don't know what to do - seeing therapist on wednesday and pdoc in 10 days isn't enough - i want to know how to make it stop

i try to read the stickies and other stuff but right now it's too far over my head - i'm too little -

it doesn't make any sense that stuff that happened over 40yrs ago still has this much of a hold on me - i don't like it - i'm 47yo i should be able to feel like a friggin' grown up

thanks for reading - i hate long posts - reading them as well as writing them


Blue

sugarssweetpea

Blue,

I am sorry to hear you feeling this way. I do not have any advise for you, but wanted to tell you that I feel for you & will be sending you lots of love & lots of hugs.

Bozo

I dont have as many panic and anxiety attacks as I used to because of the Zoloft. But I still have fear of people places and things.

I think fear is definitely the number one problem. And the HUGE POINT for me is it doesnt matter whether the fear is REAL OR IMAGINED!

Being overtired is a huge thing for me that will trigger an anxiety attack especially on a dark and rainy day.

And I especially hate going into department stores with all the people and all those friggin bright flourescent light tubes. I swear to God I feel like I am starting to take a trip on LSD.

Lately they have not been too bad.

I am starting to wean myself off the Zoloft and I am introducing a lot of vitamins and supplements into my life. Multivitamins, minerals, amino acids and I doing this with the guidance of a book called the Diet Cure.

For me it is about unstable blood sugar, food cravings, bigtime lack of protein in my diet, chemical imbalances of amino acids, etc.

I am very excited about trying this new way of life and learning to eat properly. I think once the brain and body get squared away, my phobias and fears will be reduced.

At least that is the great hope.

Love you Blue. Oh yeah, dont forget to pray and pray hard.

bikewench

Blue...

I'm so with you...

I started crying 4 years ago.
Sounds so funny to write it like that.. but.. that's exactly what happened.
I mean.. I cried before.. when I would stop whatever manic/addictive behavior I was mood altering on.

But. this time it didn't matter.
using didn't stop it.

And the anxiety was off the scale.

I have refused to go on meds.
And the other shyte stopped working..
So.. I had no other choice than to just sit with it and let it take me.

I busted through some stuff.

felt the pain all the way to the end.

And I'm still here.

I can't run from my own mind anymore.

BlueMoon

Boz - yeah, i'm recognizing more and more 'triggers' and trying to remove or at least reduce them. Over-tired is a BIG no-no, no matter how much fun i'm having staying up late -
diet? i'm sure it's not good - my goal is only to make sure i eat once a day - it's all i can manage right now

me not being on meds is not an option - i accepted that years + years ago - my brain has an organic disease - i need meds the way a diabetic needs insulin - no biggie -

WHAT IS IT about flourescent lights??!? OMG - i'm *lmao* - another case where "I thought it was just ME!"


So.. I had no other choice than to just sit with it and let it take me.
I busted through some stuff.
felt the pain all the way to the end.
And I'm still here.
I can't run from my own mind anymore.

BW - yes. That's where I am.
and THAT is what scares me.
I thought i'd dealt with the big bad past 20 years ago. Obviously, i didn't finish.
It 'hit' me last week and it keeps hitting me again and again. How very infrequently i'm reacting (or even responding) to the present - i'm still reacting to past events - all my friggin' life i've been reacting to my childhood -

i did not have the hellish childhood that some have had!
that made it easy to overlook for a long time - -
but there was abuse-
there were mixed and warped messages about who i am, who i'm s'posed to be

it's ALL bubbling up again -

i'm kinda relieved, i have learned enough to have some tools, some new + healthier beliefs -

but i don't wanna go there again - i shouldn't have to dammit!

*sighs*

but i CAN and i WILL - the only other way to be rid of it is to take myself out - and then "THEY" win after all

BW - you're right - i can't run from my own mind any more

and i'm finally OK with that - i think - - -


But i don't know how to get thru when the vivid memories *H*I*T* -
i don't know what to tell myself - remind myself -
i don't know when to push myself and when i should leave those damned fluorescent lights before i curl up in the aisle again

i've never dealt with all this crap Clean + Sober!
oh -
that's why it's still here - ?

i AM gonna walk THRU it this time - not gonna run -
but i need more tools - writing this has made me so nauseous, hands shaking, eyes blurred - chest HURTS - mind gets fuzzy so i can't remember what i want to tell someone -
it's all a trick to chase me away so i won't look at the deep dark secrets - i know that now -

i don't know when to push myself and when to be more gentle with me -
i don't know how to help me *get thru* it when the vivids start - i don't know how to keep my eyes OPEN this time -

i am SO tired of this crap - all my life - - - what a waste of me

i keep looking at my sig line - i'm so glad i put it there - i still believe it - i still have faith - only now, i know i need action as well and i don't know what that is -

today is definitely a not-sane day