Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2)

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11-13-2005, 12:46 PM

# 81 (permalink)

want2bfree1967

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I don't know if i am doing this right, so please help if I am not. I am new to this forum. I have been diagnosed bi polar by two dr's. I also have a drug addiction. I have been in treatment for drug addiction 6 times, but this is the first time I have been treated for bi polar. I just want to relate to others like me. I hope this is a step in the right direction. please help.......

11-15-2005, 07:35 PM

# 82 (permalink)

shutterbug

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W2BF....i definetly think you are on the right path. A great many bipolars self-medicate....i've read 85 percent actually, so you are not alone. I've also read that many who can get the bipolar D together then it become easier to get the addictions under control. However, if you are still using that will complicate things more.

((((Welcome)))) to SR by the way....this place is also a good place to start.

11-15-2005, 09:01 PM

# 83 (permalink)

shutterbug

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ok...so it's the 15th and i'm super bummed. Today was the day that the new photog was to start work at the job i was hoping for. I didn't even get a call, e-mail, interview....nada. I don't understand. It's another huge kick to my self-esteem since this is my kinda level of a job....a mid-sized paper that i'm familiar with and don't live far from and they are familiar with me and i've been their competetion for the last couple of years. So i'm really bothered by the fact that i got no call what-so-ever.

I was laying in bed (the couch) the other evening and wanting to go to sleep from bordem, but not being tired and i was thinking about my life. Now mind you, i rarely have positive thoughts about my life, but this was worse than normal. Totally hopelessness.

I have NO purpose in life.

I'm good if i can get myself to take a shower once a week (which i was finally able to make myself take one yesterday after God only knows how long). I'm useless, pityful, sad, disqusting and every vile thing you can call me or my life. And here's an even grosser thing....naw i'm too embarrased to say, but it involves a dead mouse.....(you know it's got to be bad if "I'm" too embarrassed to talk about it. Guess i'll save it for Oprah....haha.

Well...basically, i just have NOTHING to do all day, every day. I feel i have NO reason for living day-to-day. It's get up, smoke cig, watch t.v., fix something to eat, go back to sleep, watch more t.v., fix something else to eat, then something to drink, then back to sleep till morning. WHAT KINDA LIFE IS THAT? I have no reason for getting up and out and even when i try i end up back in bed and asleep. Heck, i didn't get up till 4:30 p.m. and i'm already feeling exhausted....just 5 1/2 hours later.

And i'm mad b/c i actually wanted to try and dress cute today and all the new clothes i've bought in the last 6 months....well....when i put them together and put them on...they just don't look right on me. The look i want is a skinny person's look and i'm pissed about not being able to have my own fat-girl's look...you know the layered look...that's what i like, but it doesn't work on fat rolls and big butts....so i discovered today anyway.

And my favorite nephew has wanted nothing to do with me for about a month or two now....his brother sticks to me like glue sometimes, but he won't even let me put a sock on him without crying and grabbing for the sock to hand to his mom to put it on him instead.

I'm so sick of being negative all the time, but dont' know how to change it. Every time i log onto SR the first thread is the "I am happy for..." thread ( i think....or some positive thread like that) and it makes me feel bad about myself for not feeling like i have anything to be happy or positive about to put in there. And my ex-best friend called a week or 2 ago while i was staying a my sis's and my friend was calling cus she had some free time and wanted to know what i was doing. So i e-mailed her back the other day and tried my best to sound positive, but i just couldn't think of anything positive to say except to mention something about my nephews starting to talk now. The rest of it was about how miserable my life is. And I'm finding it harder and harder to continue admitting that to people....especially people like her who judged me when i went bipolar and into the hospital. It's hard to admit that it's been this long and still....here i am....no job and no life and no man. Heck even she's telling me about this wonderful man she's found and how in the world can i muster the strength to be happy for her? i can't, but i faked it and i hate being fake. she does deserve to be happy....it's just that age old question....why can't i?

11-15-2005, 09:03 PM

# 84 (permalink)

shutterbug

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oh....and i stopped taking my lithium yesterday b/c i was tired of staying so nauseous....however you spell thaqt damn word!

11-16-2005, 05:37 PM

# 85 (permalink)

Live

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Location: Bristol TN/VA

Posts: 12,431

Jenna,

I want to be here for you but right now I don't know what to say.
Last night I couldn't sleep and having been fighting off a full blown migraine for well over 24 hours now.
I am feeling very vulnerable, scared and discouraged. The story is in Cafe Central.
It's like I keep trying and trying and never getting ahead.
And damned straight I get envious of people who are able to live "normal" lives with no comprehension of these kinds of struggles.
You know, the ones that hop up, turn on the radio news, jump in the shower whistling, bound off to work, eat dinner and chat with family and friends and get tired and go to bed. Let's wish them one day of ours, eh?
I think we are pretty strong, because we struggle and handle it.
We are the survivors.
I am mad that they didn't call you about that job too. That is just common courtesy and respect!

You did know you would pay for the mania with the depression, didn't you.

Actually most days I have been pretty happy. But today I feel defeated, set up to fall on my face again. All in the name of getting ahead.
Sink or swim (with weights on) Screwed over.
And I don't talk like this on other forums, ha...I save this for you! Just call me miss encouragement!

I am glad you go to your sister's because it gets you access to the net, but I am also tired of her snapping her fingers and you snapping to attention.

But now I am curious about whether the papers were served, the locks changed and what happened.

I have got a few issues with my own sis at the moment. But before I spout off, I want to see how it plays out.

Just have missed you and it is no one's fault but my own.
Just haven't felt like being on the computer for quite awhile.

And I chose to step back because I was getting enmeshed and inappropriate. Needed to get some space and come back with a fresh perspective.

All right, now I am going to cruise the rest of the mental forums.

11-17-2005, 05:27 PM

# 86 (permalink)

shutterbug

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thanks live....i know what you mean about becoming enmeshed and needing to step back. You take care of you b/c that's what's most important.

Yeah, i know when i go manic that i bottom out again....it just didn't use to be this way. I use to be one of those people you described who could get up (although i've always had a hard time getting up in the mornings) shower and dress and off to work and home and get sleepy and.....just be normal. I miss those days and just wish i knew what went wrong along the way or who i pissed off in heaven to deserve this.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time....you know i can relate....and i'm glad you feel comfortable being honest with me about how you are feeling. it always reminds me that i'm not alone in all this crap.

Well the papers have been served, he's got himself a lawyer and they are just working toward the divorce. he gets the boys on sundays and mondays and sometimes visits them at day care during the week. There's not much else to it really...other than the fact that he keeps stealing stuff from the house every time he's over and going through my sis's van, but i don't really blame him for taking stuff from the house b/c sis seems to think she's gunna get everything except the little she's given him like the t.v. that he brought into the marriage. She seems to think the house and all the new furniture and everything is all hers b/c she makes more money than he does.....anyway. They are both being childish, but mostly him.

i don't mind my sis snapping her fingers and me springing into action right now, b/c one of my main problems is feeling that i have no purpose and that i'm useless and a waste of breath. So having someone (even selfishly) need me is a blessing to me in some small way right now....although she really doesn't ask me for much any more b/c she doen'st trust me. It's this unspoken thing that has been bothering me, but i have yet to say anything about it b/c for the most part it's true. She never asks me to baby sit any more for longer than an hour or so. I've wanted to say something, but i know i don't want to hear the response and have to face that truth so i just keep my mouth shut....b/c i wouldn't trust me with kids either right now....heck....i don't even trust me with my own animals right now.

I hope your migraine feels better soon....i went through that a while back and am glad i'm not having to deal with that pain anymore (knock on wood).

All we can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other whether it seems like we're actually getting ahead or not. It's like walking up an escalator going the opposite direction and you're having to fight through people to get up to the top. I'm at the point were i've about stopped putting one foot in front of the other and am just standins still on one step and letting the escalator drag me back down b/c i'm out of strenght to fight any more.

So defeated....yeah....i'm in the losers circle with you today so at least we're not alone

11-17-2005, 07:04 PM

# 87 (permalink)

shutterbug

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helpless and hopeless....that's the best way to describe my feelings....and useless.

i cried in group today and no one was able to say anything that helped. i have that tape of all the bad stuff running through my head everyday and at night is the worst even though i try my relaxation cds and stuff.

i'm just disgusted with myself and my life. i'm tired of being fat and slavenly. all those clothes i was so happy about when i bought them and now they are a source of depression. And i'm reading this book called "Happiness is a Choice" written by 2 christian psych docs and is discriminatory toward gays and that just makes me not want to read it. i can't stand people who have closed minds like that, although some of the book makes sense, other parts of it reminds me of my first christian counselor who was pretty useless. Both him and the book are all about psychoanaylising everything to the point of craziness. i'm sure some of it is connected like they think, but i don't agree with much of it so it's making me not want to read it any more.

grumpy...that's another word to describe me right now.
worthless...there's another

no matter how much i try, my brain just isn't wired to be positive right now and i even put myself down over that. i put myself down over everything and anything....even sitting here on this computer at my sis's house instead of being off living life or preparing for bed like normal people or having my own computer to use.

i don't feel good either, it seems like i'm feeling like i'm needing that damn cymbalta every day now just to feel normal. i had been doing so good with only taking it every 3-4 days or so and only a small dosage. i'm staying on the small dosage, but i've been needing to take it every day. What's the deal with this stuff? Even when you think you're getting it out of your system, your not!

I go home and stare at the walls and don't know what to do with myself. This is, i think, my biggest problem right now (besides the fatigue) is not knowing what to do with myself. And of course, i eat more than i should just out of bordem. i'm starving for a life right now. i want to go back out to the VFW on Thursday nights, but don't want to hang out with my dad any more and Jason goes out there sometimes too and i don't want to see him, or Lee....or the ex-alcholic Bret (although chances of him being there are slim, but still).

Other than going to the VFW i don't know what else i could even do?

Alanon....i just can't make myself go

can't make myself do anything.

Oh and when i talked about my negative thinking in therapy today my therapist simply said....that's depression.

Like, hello, duh...i'm not stupid...how does that help? It doesn't. Nothing does.

I'm so pathetic i don't have anything more to say here.

gunna go home and go by the store on the way for some junk food.

11-19-2005, 09:25 PM

# 88 (permalink)

shutterbug

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My mind has been an empty waste-land as of late (except for an occational wonderful idea that i'll never have the energy to put into action).

thoughts....very few of them, except for negative ones about myself.

11-24-2005, 03:10 AM

# 89 (permalink)

shutterbug

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11-24-2005, 03:29 AM

# 90 (permalink)

shutterbug

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11-24-2005, 03:31 AM

# 91 (permalink)

shutterbug

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Funny and strange....looking back to how I felt on the 17th and how good I feel right now.

11-25-2005, 06:57 PM

# 92 (permalink)

shutterbug

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yeah....so I was manic. I tried to go to bed soon after that last post and was up again by 8 a.m. I finaly crashed around 9:30 p.m. and was out until about 5:30 p.m. today (about 19-20 hours).

Woke up with my legs sore all over and don't know why.

Sis has been trying to walk all over me more than usual this week. The other day I was here on the computer and wanted to get off it and go home to bed around 5:30 a.m. or so, but her alarm went off and she saw I was up and asked if i could wake her in 30 min. So I did, but then she said 30 more min. Then I did. So then she asked if I could stay 15 more minutes to help get the boys in the car, so i reluctantly said okay. Well I ended up not only doing that, but also changing both their diapers, taking off jammies and getting them dressed for school. And the night before, I had even cleaned up her kitchen without her even asking (just to be nice). Then after I helped her get the boys in the van she had the balls to ask if I could take a box into town and mail it for her!!! I told her it wasn't even on my way home and she said it was closer for me than it was for her! I dropped the conversation for a couple of minutes and then as went to close and lock the back door I said, "I don't want to take the box." And she didn't say anything, thank God. I told my mom and she couldn't believe I told sis no like that and couldn't believe she didn't get mad at me.

Then today and yesterday she's been asking me to do things like get up and check her mail and stuff like that and I've been telling her no. Well, she got mad at me today because I gave her son a bite of pinapple and he spit the peice out onto the floor and I didn't get up fast enough to pick it up! It's like....now that she's kicked her husband out she needs a replacement slave and she thinks i'm gunna be it! My mom won't tell her no, but i'll be damned if she's gunna make me into her slave especially when she saiy things like, "well, I let you take a bath in my tub and use my water."

When we went out to eat dinner the other night she needed a fork and said so out loud. Mom said the forks are right over there (an a station about 7 feet from her) and then a few minutes later sis AGAIN said, "I need a fork." - strickly for the purpose of what happened....mom got up and went and got her some silverware! This woman is 26 and acts like she can't do anything for herself. She even pays me, mom or our cousin to clean the kitchen or living room or give the boys baths b/c she's too lazy. I don't understand it....i really don't.

I just know that she's gunna hafta just keep getting mad at me b/c i'm not her slave and i'm not her husband either!

---
Anyway....enough complaining. Hey, I was thankful all day yesterday like I said, but yesterday is over....LOL.

I might come back and write more later, but I need to get to work on my umemployment claims (which will take me a couple of hours to do)...yuck.

11-25-2005, 09:20 PM

# 93 (permalink)

shutterbug

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hair falling out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post726604

Job offer I'm unsure about taking??
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ant-78080.html

Medications...(a thread against medication and rising MH diagnosises that I don't agree with)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post726636

11-25-2005, 09:31 PM

# 94 (permalink)

shutterbug

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been eating like a horse too!!! lately.

I'm at my highest weight ever...235. I gained 9 pounds in 10 days last week! About this time last year I was at 190 - 195.

Hungry ALL the time! Even after just eating and having a full stomach and having all kinds of cravings for stuff. Been craving a lot of salad w/ italian dressing lately.

I hate not being able to fit into my clothes...it REALLY sucks!

11-26-2005, 12:25 AM

# 95 (permalink)

shutterbug

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another thread to keep tabs on about general recovery issues/new docs:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post726691

I just spent about an hour reading through my thread from year 1 and found some interesting tid-bits I had forgotten about.

Worst part is that I still feel almost the exact same way as I was talking back then - except it seem that i have good days less often now and i'm not sick with a sinus infection any more.

Reading some of it made me cry. I'm lonely and still missing the same friendships I lost last year. Guess I'm still mourning the loss of them a little. I don't like admitting that I'm lonely b/c I try to psych myself out into thinking that I'm not, but I am and i'm just pretending not to be most the time, i think.

I miss hearing from Liveweyered so much....gosh she sure helped me a bunch to feel loved and not so alone. And Peda and Moot too....I was very, very blessed to have them in my life back then when I needed them the most. Because even though I still feel about the same....i'm not as emotionally vulerable right now. I was an already broken egg shell back then and the just a slight breeze blowing by was a threat to my survival! I still don't know how I made it through everything my boss put me through without killing myself. I even remember thinking that back then one day after I had been called into his office and bitched out for a couple of hours...I left thinking about suicide and then thinking that maybe he would at least feel a little bad if I were to have killed myself that day, but then thought...nope, he's so wrapped up in his jerky self that he wouldn't have even batted an eye for pushing me towards killing myself and I don't he would have cared except for the fact that other people would have known that it had, had a lot to do with how he was treating me and that he would have fretted over (how other people think of him).

I still want to do the whole lawsuit thing, i just can't seem to face the issue long enough to get the initial paperwork done. And then that stresses me out b/c I think the deadline for filing any greivences is coming up soon - in the next month or so, i think. I just can't make myself do the last 10 or so things I need to in order to mail my claim off. So who knows if I'll ever get it done. I've spent so much time (and stress) on it already that I would hate not to file it at all.

Oh well, i guess i'm tired now so i'm gunna go home. Don't know when I'll be back to a computer b/c i want to stay away from my sister's demands of me for at least a few days.

thanks for whoever's listening....I know this is why people don't want to be my friend is because I talk so much about myself and my problems....i just can't help it.

11-26-2005, 06:24 AM

# 96 (permalink)

KatieRose

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Jenna,

Vent all you need too, that's what we are here for.

KatieRose

11-26-2005, 07:20 PM

# 97 (permalink)

dizzyj

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Posts: 197

Jenna, i hope you had a good thanksgiving - you were in no always are in my prayers - since your one of the first ones i clung too in the beginning - and even now your the first one i look for when SR comes on my screen. It seems in some way all the things you write about is in some way happening to me. i thank you for all the little extras that have helped.

A Hug and a Prayer
Josefina

11-28-2005, 08:41 PM

# 98 (permalink)

shutterbug

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Thank you Katie for listening.....how are YOU doing?? I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything going okay....or better....or the same?

Dizzyj, I am honored by your words. You have lifted my spirit with them. I don't think I will ever be able to grasp how anyone can get anything from all the griping and random things I talk about in this thread, but it warms my heart to hear that it has or does help someone in even the smallest of ways.

Thank you for being in my life too. I hope you are doing well and I'm super glad you found SR. This place has helped me so much and I'm glad it's helping you too. And thanks for all the prayers.

As for what's going on right now....well, I'm quite peeved.

There are few things that can take me back to a little kid throwing a temper tantrum and usually it's wanting to look nice and then trying on everything in my closest and all of the things looking bad on me and I get madder and madder with each "possible" cute outfit I try on.....until I'm in full-blown tantrum and begin throwing things and kicking things. Now there's a certain inner feeling that comes along with this and that's the hardest to bear. It's like my body becomes angry and I just want to implode on myself. this has maybe happened all of 10 times in my life out of shear frustration and disappointment.

Well, it happened again tonight. I didn't kick anything but I through my work across the room, but it was only yarn. I have gotten so excited about re-learning how to crochet and wanting to make all kinds of colorful scarfs of different shapes and sizes. I mean, I was crocheting structured peices when I was 10 and now I can't crochet 4 contected chains without it looking like doggy do. All this with my mom re-teaching me too. she showed me how....easy enough and then I tried, then tried, then tried again. I spent like 2 hours and yanked it all out about 4 times and finally I said I'd had enough and threw it across the room and now I have that....

I HATE MYSELF AND MY LIFE feeling all over again and want to cry and then realizing how stupid it is to get so upset of such a small thing and then want to cry because 0f that!

I was so excited about actually DOING something productive with all my free time...and I've always enjoyed doing mind-numbing things/work (b/c it's just nice to turn my brain off sometimes and do things you don't have to think about....like typing a press release)

Anyway...I'm super pissed. There's no other way to put it. And I feel stupid and useless/worthless even more for even trying such a foolish thing. And it reminds me of that recent audition for the community orchestra that I couldn't get into even though I played with big professional orchestras.

Self-esteem....I have none.

And now, my ex-best friend is dating some WONDERFUL guy and they are prolly gunna get married. And well....I know the guy and I had a small crush on him a while back and he is a sweetheart and while I'm super happy for them....it's just another reminder of how far down into the stink-pot of life I'm in. Yeah....I'm in the crapper and they're smelling roses. Okay....so maybe they don't have a whole botanical garden at their feet, but smelling a single rose of life is much better than sleeping with disease infested sewage.....Am I making sense? Sure I want everyone to be smelling roses, but I'd rather not have to see it or hear about it while i'm covered in poo.

So yeah, that's selfish and (a bunch of other things) of me....but oh well....that's how I feel...

miserable in every conceivable way...

I should have called myself "negative nelly"

11-29-2005, 06:43 AM

# 99 (permalink)

dizzyj

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Hi Jenna, im back from Phoenix, it was not what i expected but fun. as I told you before i haven't seem my stepsister since she was about 5, shes now in her thirties. My brother from New Mexico came, they had a margarita and it was on. I went to the bathroom came back my sister was crying and my brother and his old lady were leaving. I asked what the hell happened? He told her that mom has always treated her better because her and mom thought they were better. Then all kinds of **** came out. - I had been telling myself i had gotten over that years ago and to my wow i did. (my brothers and myself always knew she was the favorite - she showed before we even left colorado) But im grown now and ive got my own problems - not to say my mom hasn't helped me out because she has. So me and my sister talked it out - and we both felt better.

Anyway you were talking about self esteem - my doctor told me something because i mentioned to him that i felt as though i was always going to be alone. He said to me that it had to do with the PSTD or whatever its called - that it was something that came with that package. But you know something im wondering if i intentually kill it before it begans. Looking back thats how it seems. I think thats something we should discuss.

11-29-2005, 12:18 PM

# 100 (permalink)

KatieRose

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Jenna,

Things are getting a little better. I have been busy with the holidays and babysitting.
I am a little depressed again, because people expect me to make it better when i can't. Details in email. On the bright side, It was great to see my family again. dads side. Other than christmas eve weddings and funerals, I had seen them once since 1998.

Mya made me smile. She is 4. Thursday night she put a piece of candy under my pillow and said i couldn't have it til morning. lol. Then friday morning she cuddled up with me on the couch.

Still praying for you.

KatieRose