Live

Jenna,

Have been gone awhile but just read this post. I think I have alot to say, but I am going to bed, because I too can easily fall into the up all night, sleep all day And, I know my life is better when I don't do that, it is healthier for me to keep a somewhat "normal" schedule.

Why brush your teeth or change your clothes unless you are getting paid for it! I struggle with it, and if it weren't so real it would be laughable.

I do think you would feel better working, maybe a part-time routine-like position. I have done that and it is restful because my mind is off in gaga and the routine does not stress me.

I've got several questions, talk with ya tomorrow!

hugs,
live

shutterbug

Live....are you moved already? How did everything go? Are you doing okay?

I'm so glad to hear from you...i've missed you so much! You always make me feel better. And you're right....i think i would do better with a job, even a part-time one especially, but i'm gunna hafta wait and see what my cards hold. I'm still crossing my fingers about the photog job, but since it's been a week since i sent my res and portfolio off to them and i haven't heard anything back; and since the new person is set to start in less than 20 days i figure that i should prolly stop holding out hope. I'll definetly be disappointed if i don't get it b/c it's the perfect job for me, but at the same time i don't know how i would make it working 40+ hours a week plus a 2 hour, round trip, commute everyday. So I believe that what ever happens is what is meant to be for the best.

Right now i'm still on unemployment so if i start a part time job then i will be bringing in less money that what i get paid for not working, but that is about to end...so i'm sure i'll be forced to seek non-career type employment soon enough....but i can tell you that i'm NOT going to work in the food industry at all....i've had enough of that. (i say that now, anyway)

I don't know what's up with my sleeping now. I fell asleep at 9:30 p.m. then up at 10:30, then up till 6 a.m., then sleep till 7:15 a.m.....UGH!

Oh...and this Welbutrin is also making me sick (in addition to the lithium). I can only take about 3 puffs off a cig before i'm ready to hurl. I'm glad that it's working to help me stop, i just wish i didn't have to feel so sickly. I also get hot flashes still that accompany the queezy stomach....like right now.

I was throwing up this morning and that's the only time my sis is ever concerned about me....least it seems that way.

Anyway....enough complaining for now.

shutterbug

Well, not much has changed....still feeling pretty rotten. I MADE myself get up and go pick up my photo reprints for contest entries i was suppose to have in 2 weeks ago or more. I sat down to start putting things together and sister asked me to help her put goodie bags together for my nephews birthday party saturday. Like the good little codie i am, i put down my own important (and very costly) work and spent a couple hourse helping her. I thought about telling her no, but a couple months back i spent a whole weekend helping a bipolar friend of mine to put together a children's party for her son and i thought the least i could do was help put bags together for the twins b-day party. Well she also expects me to help decorate for the party Saturday. There is a free book festival being held this weekend and it's only put on ever other year and i plan to go friday and saturday because book authors from all over the state will be sitting in on panel discussions and answering questions about self-publishing and such. So i'm gunna hafta only go to maybe one session on saturday...which sucks...but oh well. I plan to go to the friday session all day if i can get myself up. i also have to go get my blood drawn in the morning so they can check my lithium levels and such.

oh and i'm stressing about this contest. i've already spent $40 bucks and about 20 hours working on my entries, but my energy....just don't have the energy to make myself put them together. I'm stressed because it's already passed the deadline AND the late deadline, but the contest organizer wrote me a week ago and said i could still send them in.....but i don't know when she absolutely needs them by. Heck....maybe she's already sent them off (they get sent out of state to be judged)...so i don't know what to do. I should have been putting them together tonight instead of being on this computer, but i just couldn't make myself. Oh well....maybe it's just not meant to be.

Must go to sleep now...can't hold my arms up much longer to type.

dizzyj

shutterbug, i just came from out of under the bed. Help

shutterbug

what's going on....????

Live

Ahhhhh...I napped most of today. It is okay with me. I know that I always unconsiously get a little more needing of rest this time of year. And I hope to be madly busy soon, so it's rest in advance.

However, I do keep up on the resumes and contacts.

Jenna, that assignment in Indiana lasted two weeks and I was terminated. What a fiasco, they are a fly-by-night bunch and I should have checked their references. I wouldn't have been able to work with them and I spouted off a bit. Shrug. it was bogus bs.
I am just hoping with all my powers that they pay me on time. In my position, we have to carry all our expenses for a month before we get a paycheck. If I don't get paid I will be in a real bind.
But I have two power guys in the business who have gotten together to take me under their wing and find me a good placement. How's that?!!!!!!! So, everyday I follow their instructions and listen to their wisdom. They are going to bat for me so I won't let them down by not doing as they instrust...send this resume to ...., refer to this, that, name this person, name that person, don't accept this offer the manager is an a$$wipe etc etc.
I know which good friend in the business initiated this drive, he is a sweetheart and he is all about righting injustices. He felt that I was treated unfairly and screwed in my last position in Florida so he is going to see to it that this wrong is righted. I am sure he is the one behind getting the other guy behind me.

But I have got to get that paycheck to finance even going to another project!!!!!

I know the company would cheat me, but dare they be that stupid, there is a contract and actually a breach of contract on their part. But yeah, in this business, people do get cheated and it could be a problem. I have caught this bunch in bold, bald lies in a very short time.

I am really hoping for a certain assignment in SW Virginia.

Listen, if you can make or fake the energy to help sis as much as you do; you need to somehow manipulate yourself into doing the same for you!!!

I don't want to tell how lazy I have been. I can't make myself do laundry. I despise laundry. Don't ask when I brushed my teeth or took a bath. I only get moving when there is a true, can it be done deadline. (Thriving on chaos? ugh)
However, whatever works, I put out the resumes etc timely using the sick motive, manipulating myself, by being able to tell family and friends that I did this, I am doing that.
I would love to see you get those photos out!!!! Or spend the time at the publishing event. These things are you and you are the most important priority in your life!

Just because I say this doesn't mean I have got it down myself. Heaven forbid! hahahaha

Why we give up so much of ourselves, I don't know. It is a hard habit to overcome...even to finding our way back to ourselves. I am working on it. A LITTLE bit at a time. Using false motives but hoping that as I work for myself the rest will gradually fall more and more into place.

Hell, at this point I would like to succeed just to surprise everybody! lol

hugs and hugs,

Live

shutterbug

pulling this over from posting in one of Don's threads....so i will have it here with the rest of the "junk" of my life.

....my brain hasn't been working too well as of late. I understand what you mean now. I think that is why i fell in love with this place to begin with because i didn't feel so alone in all my thoughts, struggles, feelings.....although lately it seems that no matter what i do i'm feeling alone again. And the negativity like you mentioned.....well if you cut my skull open it'd be full of worms.

I know i'm negative about my life and i honestly don't know how to change that. My therapist does very little except point out that i keep talking about the same things every week....and still being negative, but yet she doesn't try to help me change any of my thinking. And obviously i'm still dealing with the same issues each week or else i wouldn't still be feeling compelled to talk about them. But then i put myself down for being so negative and for always talking about the same things....it's this vicious cycle in my head that is making me feel completely insane. Oh...and if i get confused and stop talking in my session b/c i don't know what to say...she ends the session and sends me away until next week!

Sorry....didn't mean to fill your thread up with my worms....that's just what popped out.

So are you saying that even though you don't have a mental illness, that you can still identify with us crazy people? And that you also struggle with many of the same things? Cus if so then perhaps most of my problems aren't so different than that of "normal" people.....gosh, though, if that's true then i'd better start praying for the whole world more!

What other boards do you frequent, if you don't mind me asking? I'm scared to venture onto any other boards now cus i've now convienced myself that the MH forum has the nicest people and therefore i need to stay put to keep from letting myself get hurt again.

And thanks for the complements....i don't feel like i've grown any at all, but i guess i have to start thinking about maybe i have....i don't know. I like to hope i have though, but really i just feel like a fraud when i chime into other's posts....it's like i put a fairy princess costume on and all the sudden my negativity is hidden and i can pretend that i know what i'm talking about....Cus that person you read in most posts (except my own journal) that person isn't me. It's the person i pretend to be, as hard as that is to admit. That's just the reporter part of my brain switching on to try and help someone with all the gobbldygook i've read and learned this past year....and many times i just make up "what if" scenarios and throw them out there. I don't know...I like to feel like i'm helping others because only then am i able to feel good about myself, but even then i put myself down and say "oh Jenna....you're just showing your codependency again! You really need to work harder on controlling the codie stuff in you." My therapist says i over-intellectualize everything in my life. I'm more like no - i obsess....which has nothing to do with intellegence.

----

It's kinda like what someone, somewhere has said or written before.....that if you believe you are sick then you become sick. Well....if feel like i've believed myself half-way into a coma! My brain just fills so very cluttered and it's hard to grab onto things or relax or do just about anything. it's a weird and hard to explain feeling, but it feels maddening....like all the wires in my mind have become unraveled and unplugged.....and trying to reach a thought is like trying to untangle a whole box of tangled christmas lights - just takes too much time and energy to have to keep doing it over and over every stinking day.

So how do i start making myself belive i am healthy when i feel worse now than i did a year ago and going into the hospital?

My councelor asked me that again yesterday too....if i thought i needed to go back in. I said, "Yeah, but i just don't know what good it would do or else i would be there already." I want to go back to day treatment, but that crap costs like $5000 a week or something like that if you don't have insurance....and heck, i still owe several thousand fromt he last time i was there for a month and had insurance....in fact, i think they might be one of the places that's trying to sue me now? Who knows....i don't even read my mail like that b/c there's nothing i can do about it so way bother?

shutterbug

Tena i'm sure sorry to hear about the Indiana thing...that super-duper-really sucks! I will pray that you get your check from them. Gosh, you've been through so much and it just keeps coming doesn't it? Hopefully those guys will come through from you soon.

How's hubby doin'?

Yeah....sleep, is all i do when i'm home. Here at sis's....somehow i'm able to push myself a little bit.

I try to do the same for me that i do to help out sis, but i'm not as successful. My codie ways kick in with her, and she's VERY demanding and doesn't take no for an answer (ever -unless you want her pissed at you), and spending time with the boys are a joy to me anyway....really the only thing i have to look forward to or do enjoy.

So i've been pushing myself for her, the boys, and myself the past few days and i'm making myself very sick because of it. I climbed out of bed to go to the book festival today, but first i had to go get my blood drawn to check my lithium levels and i had had to fast all night and day for and then was running late to the literary program so i didn't stop for anything to eat after they drew blood...then got stopped my 3 people who over-heard someone say my name and they decided they had to talk to me and find out why they hadn't seen my name in the paper and one historian lady wants to borrow some old books i have and wants me to write a book on the history of this old hotel that's recently been restored as apartments and such. So that was another hour...then to my mom's to sign checks for her to mail my bills off.

Anyway....all day i've felt like i was going to hurl and pass out and i keep having these dang hot flashes. Gosh i feel so sickly, but i think it's my lithium levels or somehting with my meds.

Anway, i dont' know where i'm going with this.??

Oh...i did change clothes today...yippie. and i retrieved a nice outfit from my house yesterday to wear to the boys birthday party tomorrow afternoon...so i'm gunna try to make myself take a shower.

I think getting the photos out is a lost cause....i spent an hour cutting out the matte boards for them tonight anyway thought....i figure i'll prolly go ahead and send them cus who knows...right? Although it stresses me to even think about how late i am and how unlikely i am to get them off before it's too late.

why do we give up so much of ourselves? Well, for me, i think it's because it's easier to focus on other people and ignore my own problems....because when i help others i get a thank-you at least, but when i take care of my own problems there's nothing....it's a totally thankless job....i don't even feel good about myself for getting most things done for myself like i do when i'm able to help out others.

I hope some day i can even figure out some false motives to get me going until i can make it for real....

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to succeed just to surprise everybody! Gosh....i think that's probably a lot of my motivation behind wanting to get a book or more published, because then it's gunna be like, "hey look what the crazy lady did....if she can do it maybe i can too." And then for my sister....i just want to make more money than her someday....lol.

But for my former boss! Oh...i want to write a book that gets so much attention that he has to assign one of his reporters to do a story on me and my book before his competitor paper does (cus he turns red with fire if they get a local story before his paper does).....LOL....wouldn't that be so funny! And then!!!!! The full-time, old-fart, photog who never liked me because i beat him in contests....when he's been behind the camera for 30 years compared to my 4...LOL. In fact, my littlest cousin is in high school and on the journalism staff and she recently went to a game with a camera in her hand to take pics for the school paper. She saw the photog and went up to him and said, "Hi....isn't your name..." And he said yes and she said she was with the school paper, but that she was also my cousin. And you know what that a$$hole did???? He didn't say anything else to her and just walked away! I've never been nothing but super nice to him. oh...no.....I just thought of something though.....see once he had been to a football game some 30 min. away and came straight back to develope his film and when he walked past me heading into the darkroom i smelled the liqure on him. I asked a couple of others if they had smelled it too and they said yes and started talking about it and basically our night boss had realized it too, but wasn't gunna report it until i said i noticed it too. Well, he definetly got a lashing because both him and my former jerk of a boss have attended AA together for years and the photog was told that he'd better start regular attendence at his AA meetings or else he'd be fired. Well...that was all that happened to him, but if he found out i had smelled the beer and said something then that's probably why he hated me more than he had initially (he wouldn't even talk to me the first year i was there...lol).

Funny though....i get fired for going into the hospital for a week....yet he drinks and drives while on duty (both against the law and corperate policy of course) and he is still there! kinda comical actually.

How the heck did i get off talking about my old job????? Well, i'm still trying to make myself fill out the claim for the EEOC to get things rolling for a possible lawsuit....i'm hoping this week i can really finish it all up. I also contacted NAMI and got a referral to 3 different law firms that specialize in disability/employment law...so i'm siked about being able to feel like i can trust that they will know what they are doing.

My brother-in-law tried to win back my sis today by hunting her car down at work and placing a half-dozen roses in there. She said it was creepy because he had went through her stuff at home after she told him to leave so then searching down her car and getting into it made her feel violated. She's being pretty irrational about things right now.

Then later she found out he called her step-dad to ask if she was having an affair with this guy some 3 or 4 states away...and she got so pissed that she got the roses out of the vase and beat the peddles off of them in the sink and broke them in half and left them torn up all over the sink so he will see them in the morning.

When he took his own t.v., which she told him he could, then when she came home and it was gone she threw a fit. Then he took some of their wedding photos and she called him and said...."why did you take "MY" wedding photos?"

I mean this guy is a jerk and he doesn't even realize it, but he's still a good guy and he's my brother-in-law and my nephews daddy and.....well i understand sis wanting to divorce him, but not acting like she is. I mean she still has the boys and the house and her car and her pool....and he's living out of his dad's house with just his t.v., a few photos, clothes and his car....that's it! And i just don't think she's being very fair to him.

Well, at least she's letting him come "watch" the boys in the morning while she gets ready for their birthday party....which i think she's actually gunna let him come to.

My mom seems to think i shouldn't stay over here next week so that she will have to get the boys up and dressed and in the car by herself every morning and then watch them all evening by herself too.....just so she will see how much her husband was actually doing.

I think mainly, that the way she's treating him bothers me because i believe he has a mental illness that is undiagnosed and i feel like i can understand him and his side a little better. I mean, yes he lies, and yes he gambles, and yes he is verbally abusive.....but I know the gambling is an addiction that he can't help....and i honestly believe he doesn't realize that he is verbally abusive and lies. Sis and mom BOTH agree with this.....you can just tell that he doesnt' realize how mean and hostile he is being ALL the TIME. And he's also got other personality problems like no matter what anyone says to him....he's always right. For example: he said that Pres. Bush is gunna remain in office until the war is over "no matter how long that takes." My mother, my sister and myself.....we all explained to him that a president can not be elected for more than 2 terms for a max of 8 years and Bush is already on is second term. He continued to argue with all of us and just started going off about all sorts of political nonsense that he knows nothing about, but he has convinced himself is the ONLY real truth. And when building a raised floor for their bathroom....my dad has done a ton of carpentry before (even built entire buildings and additions to his house) and my B.I.L. argued with my dad for 2 days about EVERY little thing they did....telling my dad that he was doing everything wrong. Prior to that dad was gunna offer him to help him fix up some rental properties, but after 2 days he said he was ready to slug him because no body else is ever right about anything.

Anyway....i discovered what O.D.D. was from another thread and it sounded so much like him that i asked Peda if adults can be diagnosed with O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)....and he said yes, but after age 18 the condition is called Antisocial Personality Disorder.

I told my sis about this....and even printed out the diagnostic criteria and left it here on the desk where she would see it. Today i asked if she had read it and she said no.......she doesn't even care, but i guess that's her perogative.

See.....here i am being all codie-ish again and worrying about other people's problems.

ok...so back to me... my hands are super swollen right now....don't know why?
Well i guess this is all long enough (more than) for today.

Hugs and hugs and hugs, to you too Tena,
Jenna

shutterbug

Boy has today been a rough one....even as i sit here i'm feeling extremely hot, flushed and nasious. I went to the book festival today, but couldn't sit through half of it before i had to walk out and jet for the bathroom where i proceeding to vomit up blood and breakfast. it was horrible....i'm so sick of throwing up....and yet i feel like i'm about to again right now.

The only thing i can think is either this lithium is killing me or i've got a stomach ulcer or something.

Oh...and after the book fest...i had to go to my nephews 2-year birthday party. Well i was fine until about 10 min. after everyone got there and then my dam teeth starting hurting me so bad i couldn't stand up. i was crying and hold my head unable to do anything because it hurt so bad. Sis went and asked grandma if she had a pain pill....she gave me half of one and it still didn't help...so dad gave me half a Perkidan (sp?)...which let me come back here and sleep for several hours, but now it's hurting again. I took an Aleve an hour or more ago. Just when i think my life can't get any worse...it does

Well there went my cookie....literally....at least it was colorful coming back up...yuck!

Must go lay down now before i start dry heaving.

pray for my stomach, teeth and mind please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatieRose

Jenna,

Praying for you as we speak. Will try to answer your email today.

KatieRose

shutterbug

Katie....thanks....and no rush on replying....whenever you feel up to it. Thanks for the prayers. How are YOU doing, BTW?

Well I went straight to bed last night after i got off here and slept all night and all day and this is the longest i've been able to sit or stand up all day. Normally if i'm not lying down then i'm having to run to the bathroom. I tried leaving sis's house today cus the boys were with their dad and she hasn't had the house to herself in 2 years. I gathered up the photos i've been trying to matte and send off and took them out to the car and the door was locked so i sat them on the hood with a scarf on top to keep them from blowing away. Then came inside, got sick and had to lay down. Next thing i know i'm waking up 3 hours later and sis said the photos were all over the neighbors yard and she had picked them up for me (she rarely does anything for me so i was very thankful). I then tried to get up and load my stuff in the car again and started getting sick again so sis said i could stay. she later shocked me again by going to the store and getting me some 7-up and chicken noodle soup to try and keep down....since even water doesnt' want to stay down. Thankfully she also had to stop by grandmas and she sent some nasia (sp?) pills back here with her....which seem to be helping a little. I'm about to have to take my nightly lithium dose though and that makes me nervious. i didn't take it last night at all because i didn't feel like feeling worse. I took my morning dosage since it's only 300 mg....but the night dose is 600 mg.

Anyway....i'm gunna go try and eat something harty and then take the pills so hopefully i won't get very sick.

Luckily i go see the Pdoc Tuesday.

I haven't had a cigerette in more than 24 hours....well i took about 4 puffs off one before i put it out and then got sick. Just thinking about smoking makes me feel like hurling. Guess this is a VERY drastic way to help me quit!

shutterbug

Well i'm fixin to go home so i don't know when i'll be able to get back on the internet.

I hate the thought of going home to no internet....but oh well...it's also less stressful at home for me.

Today i seem to be feeling better - at the moment at least. I slept most of the last 36 hours and i only feel a little sick at my stomach, but yet i haven't taken my morning meds yet either or smoked a cig like i'm craving either....so we'll see.

Just wanted to let you know i'll be away for a while most likely.

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. I love you guys.

Hugs

KatieRose

Jenna,

I love you too. You said the lithium is makeing you sick. How soon do you get sick after takeing it? if it's within 15 minutes of takeing it you may be allergic. Please check in when you can and let me know how you are doing. More in email.

Katie

dizzyj

Hi Jenna,

Just me, you know they were giving me lithum and wellbutrin at one point, and i dont remember being sick like that - you should check it out. I'm doing alright today, actually I don't have a choice - i have a class this evening. Hope you get to feeling better.

gelfling

Thinking about you Jenna, Hope you're feeling better.

Blessings

shutterbug

Thanks everyone....my stomach seems to have settled down. I went through a real bad spell Saturday and Sunday where I got sicker unless i was laying down....now it's not so bad. I haven't thrown up since Monday afternoon, i believe.

I saw my awful Pdoc today and when i told her about throwing up she totally ignored me and started talking about something else. When i told her about the blood and asked her flat-out then she said it could have something to do with my weight and went off on a tangent about that. I'm sorry, but this is like the 2nd or 3rd time she has brought up my weight and i'm pretty dang tired of it. NOW if she was a general physican...ok....sure...i'll accept that, in context at least. But she's a HEAD DOC!!!!!!!! She has NO RIGHT to discuss my weight issues. I hate her....absolutely hate her....okay, i was raised not to hate people so I SEVERLY DON'T LIKE THAT WOMAN. How's that? Is that better?

Anyway, i'm off to the health department Thursday to see what that can do. Somehow i need a thyroid and vitamin D test, and then of course to find out if an ulcer is what has been causing my severe nasea.

And it looks like i've got no other choice than to have 3 or 4 teeth pulled since i can't afford root-canals. There's a whole psychological thing there for me too - being 29, never married and toothless.....funny kinda, but not when you're living it.

While i was waiting to see my doc today I read an article about Vit. D insuffeciency. The article said 93 percent of patients complaining of body pain and/or fibromialgia actually have a Vit. D shortage in their bodies. Thought it was interesting that i happened to pick up that magazine and come across that article all whilst i've been pondering if something else, like fibroM or chronic fatigue, are at the root of my depression some how.

Anyway....that got me thinking back to seasonal affective disorder (or whatever it's called -- the winter blues)...and that got me to thinking about something somewhere around here said about useing their tanning machine to ward off the winter blues. And since Vit. D is produced by sunlight exposure i think there might be something to that.

See in the past, whenever i've "endulged" in buying a month at the tanning salon...it's always pumped me up, motivated me, something to lose weight....and i'm thinking "could that be because my Vit. D levels were up from which increased my physical and mental energy?" And then even....does Vit. D come in pill form?...lol

So then i'm thinking why not spend the money for a month to do it and see what happens....cost about the same as going to see my good therapist once...so what can it hurt.

And then I think....could most of my depression stem from not enough sun-light? It would be an easy conclusion for me to ponder since my nights and days started flipping 8 years ago when everything started. So if i'm mostly asleep during daylight, then i'm not getting any sunlight right....cus even my windows are pretty closed up....like a vampire i suppose....

I dunno...i just feel like it's gotta be something super easy like this and i'm gunna struggle for countless years and then stumble upon it all the sudden some day or something.

Anyway....as you can see i'm back over at sisters. She called and wanted somone else here tonight since her husband showed up at midnight last night just to cause trouble (it's a good 30-40 min. drive one way from there to here) and he left the boys with his alcoholic father who pretty useless. He drove all the way here and when she asked why he said he needed the baby's butt cream. Can you beleive that....and funny thing is...niether of the boys have a rash! Well, the real reason is because he expected her to have another man over. He's honestly loonier than me I think. Since day one of her telling him to leave he's insisted that she's either having an affair or is wanting to make things so that she can quickly move some guy in. He's even gone after me saying I know ALL about this affair she's supposedly having. Thing is....this guy is so messed up that he honestly can't admit that he has some problems to work on....mainly that he's a hateful a$$hole to his sign. other every day. I mean, come on, this is gunna be his FOURTH divorce. You'd think the guy would start questioning what it is about him. And my sis tells him and so have I on several occasions. But yet....all the sudden the only POSSIBLE reason sis could have for kicking him out is that she's having an affair. I'm telling you he seriously needs counseling. He even lied to her about being in the house with the boys today....he even changed the boys clothes and she asked where the clothes came from and he said he packed them when he left. HA! Yeah right.....this boy doesn't plan ahead for nothing and sis had just done laundry so she knew he got the clothes out of the home closet....and yet he lied about it....he's so stupid...i mean honestly....i wanna smack him.

Anyway he also came in and took some of sis's clothes for some odd reason. So today she changed all the locks and boy is he gunna be PO'd when he finds out.

I heard the dog barking around midnight and thought it was prolly him....and i got real nerveous....it almost felt like it did back when i was going through the same thing with my ex trying to break into my house. Anyway, i checked out the window and it wasn't him thank goodness. I don't think he's a violent person, but i can easily see him getting violent with things....like braking down the back door when he finds out the locks have been changed. And i guess that's what makes me nervous....that and just anticipaticion of having to hear him yell.

Anyway....thanks for listening.

shutterbug

On a side note: apparently i've been feeling hostile lately.

shutterbug

forgot to mention that my doc added Lexapro to my med mix yesterday. I told her i tried it briefly several years ago and it made me feel very fatigued. She said to take it at night and i should be fine....boy does she listen. She listed off a list of like 4 different SSRI's or whatever they're called and one was Zoloft and i told her i would like to try that one....but NOoooooo. She has to put me on the one that I KNOW doesn't work well for me! She said since my dad takes it and does fine that means i should be able to do fine with it. Well, my dad's also an alcoholic who takes several other narcotic type prescriptions like the Perkidan's and such. And i asked her about it because i thought if you are an alcoholic than any meds you take work as well as jellybeans would.......so how the hell does dad know if they are working for him or not!?! But woud she listen? NOooooooo. And it's not like i'm already lethargic enough here lady!

So anyway.....i'm sitting here on the computer instead of working on contest entries. I e-mailed the contest coordinator tuesday to ask if it was too, too late and she said she's mailing the entries out of state to the judges this weekend so i need to get them to her asap. So i figure if i can get them off in the mail tomorrow (Thursday) and spend the extra money to one-day them....then i should be fine...right?

And i'm still planning to go to the health department tomorrow although i definetly don't want to go. I don't want to do anything actually. I usually love doing contest stuff (it's a lot of hard work, but the outcome is always really nice)....so i don't know why i can't get myself together this year. Heck last year i had been in the hospital and day treatment and as soon as i went back to work part time that was the first thing i did (because I was late then too). I spent the whole day putting it all together....and i ended up getting the 2 top awards in our division (for mid-sized papers in the state): I got best all-around photojournalist and second place for best all-around reporter. There were only 3 other people who got awards higher than that in the whole state....and yet here i sit, no job, no energy for a job.....but that last place i sent my resume and portfolio into (where i am familiar with the work of their photogs) well i haven't heard ANYthing back. And the person they hire is set to step into the job as of Nov. 15. So i guess i can say bye-bye to that. I SO don't get it. Other than it's just not God's will for my life....there's just no other explianation (sp?) that i can think of. Unless someone from one of the A paper's applied, but i seriously doubt they would apply to a B paper....that's like stepping backwards. Oh well, doesn't matter cus i couldn't physcially handle the job right now anyway. Although I sure hope my HP has going back to work planned for the near future at least. I'm not one of those kinds of people who can make themselves work for themselves....like in writing my books. I just work on them whenever the spirit hits me to. I need to be back in a job where i am forced to go and do again...and talk to people and feel like i'm a part of this world again as it spins everyday. Waking up and going to work and stopping to get gas or coffee and seeing your photo or story on page on in the news-stands everywhere....in print....there's nothing more satisfying than that for me as far as work goes. I know where this line of thought is coming from....i stepped over into the cafe forum and DangerousDan has a thread about graphics...and i was going through it and people were talking about Photoshop and stop-action photography and things of that nature....and it just really, really miss doing that....capturing the daily news or the things that speak to me. Halloween I saw 2 photos that would have been perfect starts to the photo essay i want to do on the homeless. Perfect, i tell ya....yet i didn't even have a camera....It was kinda funny cus i was driving by this old gothic church that's a day care now and wondering how i could ever incorperate that building into a news photo. Then my eyes climbed up the stairs and at the top was a homeless man sitting with his back being proped up by the chapel doors.....symbolic even. Man i wish i'd had a camera.

I've thought about taking this time out from work to going and spending a lot of time down town and at the Salvation Army getting to know the "safe" homeless ones and telling their stories through pictures. Something i've wanted to do for 4 years now...ever since i moved back here from college, but so little energy, yet so much time.

Maybe if sis would let me use her digital camera though.....i could put together a documentary peice like that and ask my friend at AP photo if they would buy it?....hey there's another thought....i need to start taking my old "bread and butter" type news photos/feature photos and send them in to her just to see if they would buy them even though i'm not at a paper right now....i bet they would since they told me they would let me freelance and string for them if i had a digital!

I must remember to continue to think about all this because I use to make more in a day from my freelance work with AP than I did at my paper. Well i can't do anything tonight though...that's for sure.

shutterbug

Well i'm officially done for the night....i've got most everything done on the contest entries (will just have to make a stop home then a stop at the library) and then tomorrow i can take them to the post office and overnight them...yippie....and i'd better win suppin or i'm gunna be upset for all this trouble and money i've gone through to do this...ha...anyway, i know my chances are much, much less than last year because i don't have access to most of my photos...and the paper refuses to even e-mail one spot news photo to me! But i'm not gunna get started on that.

Anway...super duper tired and have one of those "overly tired" headaches so i'm gunna go to sleep and hope i wake up with enough time to make it to the post office....

shutterbug

A thread called "Any Thoughts" by Troubleathome who is stressed over her situation with a bipolar husband going through a major depression much like mine - for a year now. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post704945