shutterbug

Indigo....I'm so sorry to hear that...truely.

Do you mean that emotionally you have a hard time talking about it? Does it upset you too much? If so, I would be interested in hearing about why it's so hard to talk about? Past events that have happened or people not understanding mental illness? Don't worry about telling me if that's too hard to talk about to. I'm just interested in learning more about you, your family and your situation.

GIANT HUGS!!!! It WILL get better! I promise. Remember, the one thing you can ALWAYS count on is that NOTHING ever stays the same.

shutterbug

Tena, I'm so glad you are doing well. I've been worried about you quite a bit lately. It feels nice to be out of that damned depression and living life!

Nope, no camera yet. I'm starting to think I dreamed it all b/c no one has said a single word about it all week. So who knows. I'm using the 8-year-old backup camera and it's giving me fits, but it the same digital model that I learned on in college so there are some things that I still like about it.

Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and it really is good to hear you are doing well!

Hugs to you and me both dear sister.

shutterbug

work has been very stressful. I just can't handle stress like before my episode. My startle response returned to a high alert yesterday where I would jump at any thumb or drawer closed quickly. I wanted to go home sick and nearly did. On my way to my second destination for the day. I had to pull over for being sick at my stomach from stress. I haven't had that happen since I was stuck in my former paper.

I'm learning a bit more about chemical reactions that happen when we are stressed and believe the reason for my naseau to be caused mainly from a surge in cortisol being released in my stomach.

I am fighting my illness pretty hard and anxiety is going through the roof most days. The last 2 days at work I found myself returning to my old major depressive ways of walking with my head down and going way around people on the street or wherever so as to have a lesser chance for anyone to interact with me. Invisible I wish to become during these time...disappear.

Tears...I've cried at work several times in the past week and that makes me very nervous...more stress and anxiety...which brings more bouts of crying (or fighting not to).

And those I work closely with are so use to me being happy, smiling, laughing, teasing, playing....that it's obvious when I'm down and most of them are already learning to steer clear during these "moods" of mine. And when they do have to approach or ask for something...it's with child-like glove and some reluctance.

It makes me more worried.

Well...i have much more to journal about, but no more time today. Thanks for listening. Hugs.

Live

oh, Jenna, I am so sorry. I know this is scary on so many levels. Does it seem to you that the anxiety has been sort of laying in wait and building? I ask because it seemed to be peeking out a little bit before the big night? I don't know anything to help or even, barely, what to say; except that I care and hope the hurting ends soon. Is there anything I can do to help? I mean that...ANYTHING! I guess I have some of my sis in me and my first inclination would be to arrange a mini-vacation for you! I doubt you could get away but if you can, or want to ...let me know.
Call anytime! You know I love you! Is there anyone who can help...any of your Drs or therapists? Please let us know how you are!
I am sending you hugs and all my wishes for your comfort and health and happiness. You deserve it!
Tena

shutterbug

Thank you sweetie and what a coincidence you mention a mini vacation! In less than a day, and with out me trying to do anything, a mini vacation has been planned for me, mom, step dad and aunt!

Actually, mom just called a few minutes ago to tell me what day to ask off for. It will be a three day trip...so i'll only miss one day of work.

But we are going to take a day train tour of the fall scenery in another state!
I love fall - my fav time of year
I love the colors of it - and always yearn to get out where I can get neat pics of it
And I've always wanted to take a train somewhere, but have never had a chance to rid on one.

so it will be great.

Rarely does a day go by that I don't think about you.

As for the anxiety...it's still rising. It's like a constant gnawing in my stomach and a aching in my heart, along with the fear of total uncertianty at all times and worry about everything.

I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I feel myself slipping away and getting sicker and sicker. I feel like a bit of steam was release with the night of the big banquet was over, but then the concerns over the camera brought it back up again...and then so many things have been added on top.

Paranoia is returning full-force, but not sure if it's really paranoia or a keen awareness of the non-verbal language of those around me. And the fact that I can sometimes read people's lips....causes SO much more anxiety.

Like for example: yesterday I went into a store for a few minutes to browse and to fetch something for my sis.

I noticed a guy who looked familiar and saw him look at me and then look away. Within seconds he was talking to the girl he was with and she then looked over at me and in reading her lips she responded to him, " ? ? She use to work at the paper?" Then they walked away from me.

I don't know who the guy was, but it seemed then that he may be one of the reporters down there now? I don't know. Perhaps a friend of one of the new reporters or maybe he worked in one of the other departments and had been fairly new when I was fired.

Anyway....it crushed me. That some total stranger would be talking about me to some other total stranger. And what was the point of what he was telling her? Of course, in my mind...it's the most negative of all posibilities. But I have also MADE myself try to realize that perhaps it may have been positive. Maybe he is a new reporter and has seen the masses of my photos go across the wire and thought it was neat or cool that someone who use to work at such a small crappy place is actually succeeding in a way. BUT that's only a .09 percent possiblity....especially coming from that place and you don't typically recognize strangers in a small town for them being mildly successful. It's typically for what they did wrong or what is wrong with them. And his words were probably, "Hey, that's the crazy girl that use to write stories for our paper before she was put in the hospital and went evey crazier and was fired."

Anyway....that long train of above thought is just one of a hundred scenes and mental dialogues that are constantly going on in my head each day.

I don't know how to stop it. It's getting worse. I've actually contemplated quitting my job, but only fleatingly. And I even said the words out loud today at work to a co-worker.

I have a department head...in another department...harrassing me in much the same way my old boss did. Constant complaining and pointing out every small fault and this person even started doing it during the large meetings with all department heads...and was making my own boss look bad to his boss (or trying to anyway). Well, my boss is great and knew exactly how to handle it and put a plan in motion a week ago (totally unknown to me)....which finally played out today making this nit-whit shut up.

So many times today, I nearly marched into my bosses office to ask him how much trouble I would be in if I went and just told this person off!

Well, without even saying anything to my boss directly, he knew what was going on and took care of it in the coolest most politically correct fashion where no one would get mad or anything.

as for the doc, i haven't seen a pdoc in months. I have to fill out some paperwork to get my re-embursement check from my medical flex account to pay the bill off that I still owe him from a year and half ago. But once that's taken care of....it should be okay.

I just need something to ....to....i dont' know....de-anxiety me?
I don't know how much of it was there before and waiting to reach the surface, but why now?

I can only imagine that I must have had at least this much anxiety going on during the whole trying to keep my job thing last year, but perhaps the major depression masked it....or dulled it?

I dont' know? I just know that I can't escape this. Everyone tells me to calm down and just relax, but I can't. I wake up and rush to work, feeling great until I walk in the door and sit down.

Then each new person who comes to me with a request or small task or whatever...it starts building quickly. Then I get 10 e-mails that makes the anxiety build 10-fold. So by a half hour in...i'm already on survival mode.

And I hate to admit this in writing, here or even in my head, but....i'm am struggling with some itching to gamble. It's grown dramatically since I started working. And with gambling popping up everywhere and anywhere, it's hard to escape.

I'm not sure if I'm addicted yet, but I definetly crave it when it's put in front of me. And I only even go 2-3 times a month, but I can feel myself loosing a grip and that scares me.

That's the LAST thing I need is such a distructive addiction! I hate to even talk about the thought of possibly being addicted, but at the same time, I'd hate even more to let it go unquestioned until it's too late.

Well there's my soul for the night.

one more thing, I realized that I am committing suicide drag by drag, pack by pack and carton by carton, but it's not by my decision.

I am 30, and my lungs are as old as a 70 or 80 year olds. By the time I've 40, I will either be dead or carrying around an oxygen tank in one hand and my camera in the other. The first scares me a great deal, but the latter scares me the most. Most the time I shake off thoughts of ME ending up totting around an O2 bottle and hoses running into my nose at any age, but even more so before the age of even 50.

And then, thoughts of quitting, which have become more serious these days....now leave me wondering if I could even handle this kind of anxiety without my truest vice that I turn too all day and night?

It's a wickedly wonderful world....I wonder which tomorrow will be?

Hugs,

shutterbug

funny how my posts get so long when I'm down....and so short or non-exsistent when I'm up or just happy...

Live

I know...I give a distorted image too. When I am feeling well...it's little to no posting...but when I am hurting it is all over here. I think that is normal. One of my favorite counselors told me that no one ever came to see her except when they were in too much pain and/or trouble to be able to handle.
More later....

hugs,
live

Don W

Shutterbug, I've been able to catch up on your journal. Today, they canceled a class and the computers are free of lines. I also can tell the difference in my posting depending on my frame of mind. Sometimes I can't even believe why I'm sharing at all. I have to fight trying to keep myself a secret. Strange but, sometimes I think if I don't tell you, I won't know either. If that makes sense.

shutterbug

Suzin, thank YOU. That warms my heart so very much to know when I've helped someone not feel so alone in it all....just as Liveweyerd did for me when I first ventured into the mental health forum. It's like a sigh of relief to know we are not alone and have someone to talk to who knows what it's like. Hugs and please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with us.

Don, yes...it makes sense to me. I often fear that if I don't put it here in writing that I will never remember I even had any thoughts at all. And other times I realize that I hadn't even know that I felt a certian way until it flows through my fingers and onto the keyboard.

Writing my thoughts, feelings, experiences here has helped me in SO MANY ways to discover who I am and what's going on with me. so yes....it makes sense to me Glad you are back here btw :P

Live, yep...I guess I should stop feeling so quilty about not journaling much when I'm feeling well.

I feel well today thought.....stress has been lifting the last day or so....i feel i can breath again. The world isn't so stuffy or hazy at the moment.


hugs all,
Jenna

Live

I wish I knew more about anxiety.
I have been told that it goes with depression, that it is the other side of the coin.

And then...again...I see triggers in your post but from my own experience it is like the chicken and the egg...I don't know which came first...whether the anxiety is triggered or I am triggered because I am anxiety sick.

But once it starts up with me it seems to feed on itself. I hope you cycle out of it or get help soon. Maybe that train ride will do the trick. Sometimes just getting a break does me a world of good.

Anyway, I am sending hug and caring.

Don't worry about me....I am in an "easy does it" mode and am feeling very good about it. I think I am finally learning some self-acceptance.

love,
Tena

shutterbug

not much to say at the moment....i'm tired...haven't been sleeping well lately.

Why i'm still at work??? i should have gone home hours and hours ago!

yes the train trip should be nice. i'm looking forward to it.

today I was informed that I got the camera i was asking for....i was so happy i started crying for a couple minutes in my car.

i was happy most of today then cycled down a couple hours ago....triggered by self-negative talk/thoughts.

my butt hurts from sitting at this darn computer for about 8 hours straight now!

and speaking of butts...that reminds me....again i've had romantic type dreams the last 2 nights. This is a rare thing for me and the person in the dreams is someone unknown. and of course i'm struggling with trying very hard not to let any kind of feelings develop for someone i work closely with. the other day i was working in another room and out of the blue had a vision of him walking up behind me and hugging me from around my waist. It was odd and it was an unwelcome thought in my mind since I know I can not let any kind of these type of thoughts have space in my brain. but just a few short minutes later...he came through that same door i had been thinking of and walked near and through to another room without saying anything as though he sensed my awkwardness at that moment. There's so much I like about this already-taken person who is happy where he is....so WHY am i fighting my thoughts and feelings about him SO much all the time!????! I want to be numb to any thoughts of a relationship with anyone right now...

...because the truth is that deep inside i'm dying to feel loved in that kind of closeness...to be hugged that way or ...well you know. I want it SO much that i desperately try not to ever think about it. I wish i could totally cut off that emotional part of myself and never have to worry about wants of another person to be near me like that. i don't want it. trouble and hurt is all it brings and i can't trust myself not to become totally enmeshed and obsessed. i don't want it. i want to stay alone and single, but that is hurting more and more each month it seems.

today my therapist was talking about as newborns it takes us a while to realize that we are actually seperate from our mothers...that we don't understand that we are independent beings, but rather believe we are still a part of her. Perhaps this is why as humans....we always have such strong desires to have a partner close...that same oneness we felt in our mother's wombs and until the reality of life told us we were really all alone, by ourselves?

shutterbug

Too much to write about and it's way past my bedtime, but i've been feeling a need to journal about things as of late...and feeling guilty for not.

Brief:

My anxiety has decreased quite a bit.

I got my new camera a couple weeks ago and name her (yes HER) "Fergi".

Had the most horrible weekend trip of my life last weekend with my aunt (who I use to adore and be really close to before she moved out of state)...well she treated me like a horribly stupid, misfit child the whole time and I'm still dealing with quite a few residual inner feelings a week later now.

Been talking to another photographer through e-mail who lives 1/2 way across the country and is nearly twice my age. His e-mails make me smile and he's familiar with depression and mental illness so he's very understanding. But...i don't want this to evolve into any kind of possible drama in my life...so i'm trying not let my natural tendency to let myself get close to ....well trying not to even go there.

Works great.

Finances awful and i'm working on getting that back on track. (one issue is my recent frequenting of casinos that I HAVE to STOP somehow before it gets out of hand...which i'm really scared about).

Found out my chest was bothering me so much b/c i had bronchitis that my primary doc didn't catch (or rather dismissed when I pointed out my unusual chest discomfort...even for me)....oh and a sinus infection.

shutterbug

been posting on other people's threads tonight...
after coming home early (for me anyway) and spending time with sis and boys...
then put boys to bed and to sleep...
On here for 2 hours now...

Time to go home....

(but some exciting and yet scary work possibilities passed me today...i'll let ya know when and if I find out more)

shutterbug

watching my nephews and only have a minute but i've been doing well lately.

Today I thought of my bipolar disorder in a similar fashion to the seasons.

For right now....i am in the beautiful fall season. My creativity is soaring, my mind is sharp and motivated. I'm am the most colorful version of myself right now.....just like the trees.

But also like the trees....i know that my brilliant colors now...means a cold winter is on the horizon. I know my current state well and a depression is on it's way. A mild one, I believe, but a depression non-the-less.

The neat part is that today, in this type of thinking, I saw my depression (winter) as a gift. For what happens to the trees after winter? The dead coldness turns to warmth and Spring and from that the trees blossem and start growing again toward greatness and stregth.

So....my winters will come each year. This I know, but what I realized today is that each year through this natural process of my being...i will rise up again each time greater and wiser than before.

That....brings peace to my future dispair. And peace.....I am SO thankful for peace!

Hugs,
JEnna

shutterbug

Well last week a big wig within our company who operates out of NY...all but outright offered me a job and a move to NY. I was excited, but scared. I've heard nothing about it since, but it reminded me that our company has so many publications around the U.S. and that a move is never out of the question should I really want to.

This weekend...I spent the day with a guy and his friends. I let myself start to really like him. I started thinking that his actions of inviting me along with his group meant he was interested in me. I was happy...and scared - as i've mentioned before about any kind of relationship at this time.

But this one....seemed to be starting out perfectly...very slow and gradual and he seemed to have so many values and such that i'm looking for.

Well...i was suppose to hang out with him and the same group last night (as he had mentioned to me on the phone Sunday)...but I basically got blew off, ignored, forgotten or whatever.

I'm done. That made me feel like crap and I went to bed early....(actually I fell asleep still in my Halloween get-up thinking he would call and wonder why I wasn't over there and sorry he missed my call earlier).

Done. I said to myself. Done, done, done. I've learned not to let myself be walked on....and this was blatent walking.

Then...as I half expected....he e-mailed today with excuses. Saying he hadn't replied to my 2 e-mails b/c he hadn't been at work Monday or Tuesday b/c his care was messed up or something. The said how very sorry he was to have missed my text and call last night to his cell...that he was basically so wrapped up in scaring little trick-or-treaters that he didn't think to check his cell until the night was mostly already over.

I can't let myself believe that rubish as much as I really, really want to. I didn't reply back to him...and don't think I will any time soon or at all. I may just go through his friend to finish the project I'm in the middle of doing for them.

I mean....even if he is slightly interested in me....or hell not even interested in anything more than JUST friends....that was still a rude thing to do to me when he had invited me on Sunday and I told him that I really wanted to be there for last night.

Urg....i don't want this rubish in my head...which is perhaps another reason why i'm hashing it out in writing here (although i've already hashed it out in writing with an online friend who's response to everything was.....that i don't know this guy well enough to know if he was being rude, blowing me off, or truely got wrapped up in the theatrics of what was going on with his core group of friends) and then (with my best girl friend who's response was , "what a jerk. man, i'm sorry jen." She totally thought it was awful of him and although part of me doesn't want to believe it....the realistic part of me agrees).

This is why i'm not ready for ANY kind of intimate relationship.....just the beginnings of a POSSIBLE relationship has me going crazy!

I struggled all day not to cry at work (there were some other minor upsets that added to this upset in my day). I finally went out on assignment and when I got in my car I broke down and just let myself cry for a good 10 minutes or so....and it's not a monthly depression b/c that was last week. This is just situational and feeling MUCH sorry for myself.

Mainly....I hate the way this kind of self-loathing and even a little bit of heartache feels. It's horrid. I feel empty and crushed.

Why would I want to put myself out there for this kind of crap again? Especially to this guy? I'm going to try not to....but let's be really realistic here...if he makes some magnificant gesture or something to make me look past this early indiscretion....then i'm sure I'll give him one more shot - because at the moment...that's what my heart wants. And it's been so long since I've held someones hand...

shutterbug

Liveweyerd....i miss you dear....been thinking of you and wondering how you are. Hope all is well and you get to visit us again soon.

your sis,

angel08955

So this is where people can share stuff in here??

shutterbug

Lovelife....All of SR is for you to share dear one. No one knows your name or where you are or who you are...unless you tell them.

Share everywhere and anywhere you feel comfortable sharing....SR is a place of healing and comfort...especially in this mental health forum. It's hard to get better if we don't share what's truely going on and let other's who've been there share when they've been there and know what it's like and what helped them...and what might help you.

I'm a strong believer in that it's useless to "re-invent the wheel" so.....if i've learned something from my hard times that can help anyone else have even a slightly easier go at it....then I WANT to offer that. And so many here have done and continue to do that same for me. We are a very caring family of friends in that respect.

Hugs...and welcome to SR and the MH forum!!!

shutterbug

okay....so against my better judgement...i responded to his e-mail the following day (about 24 hours after recieving it). Initially...i wanted to respond with something telling him how rude he had been to forget all about me...or ignore me - which ever the case may be.

Then...after I posted here...i went home and dug out the relationship books i'd stuck away (thinking i wouldn't have any need or want for them for a long time to come). Two particular books i consulted...one being the imfamous "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

Basically i gathered that...just by e-mailing me after his "indiscretion" was kind of a big deal since men usually know this will result in some back lashing from the girl....so unless there's truely some interest then they won't bother.

Well...i wasn't convinced with that one still....b/c even if he hated my guts...he still has use for me and the free work I've put in and have yet to finish on a project I committed myself to...and which is a big positive for him and his group (since I'm doing ...the photography, post processing of images and I obtained a graphic designer to put it all together in the very difficult design they are wanting ---- all for FREE! AND not to mention the promise I made to put my former writing and pr education to work and pull together an impressive press kit to help them get some good media exposure for this latest project).

Lord...i pray none of them ever come across this....b/c if so....i've basically described everything ...so any of them would know who I am on this board!

Keeping my fingers crossed on that part....i'll continue:

So....no matter what....he has some strong motivation to "play nice" with me.

The thing that did it for me...and convinced me to "play nice" in return. Was when the author explained how it's typical for men to honestly "forget" about a girl they like...when in the initial stage of things.

That the saying, "absense makes the heart grow fonder," applies in many of these situations and that after a few days, weeks or even sometimes months...they will suddenly realize that they miss that person!

Totally absurd to me....but hey i'm not a martian either so what do I know.

So...I figured...what could it hurt to play nice? It the book is right...then I haven't ruined any chances for a relationship to develop....and even if the book is wrong...well...i still don't come off like a crazy b*tch or anything similar. All remains well.

So...I played it cool. I told him that I had been looking forward to the event, but understood.

It was short, brief and friendly. That was Thursday afternoon. He didn't reply that day....nor did he reply today. And that makes me think....I am TOTALLY stupid for the fact that I'm still even thinking about him.....let alone....talking all this non-sense!

And then....I think back to the last 6 months...and he's often gone several weeks without contacting me in anyway. And only once before (after spending several hours around him for a second time) that I let my mind even go anywhere near this direction. I knew it was crazy to be thinking about him so much for NO reason so....i found some of his stuff on the web...and ran across some random things that offended me a bit, not that he himself had done or said...but that he had several friends who were comfortable in that frame of mind and it didn't bother him to be connected with those kinds of comments and such.

So....that was my out. I could decide that there was reason NOT to like him...and therefore...I went back to my aloof self that I enjoy so much.

I was FINE!!! Fine I tell you....until that weekend when so many things pointed to him possibly being interested in me. And I just let my crazy, co-dependent brain loose again....and now I can't catch it!!!!

I prayed in my car the whole way home tonight that these obsessive thoughts about him or what he thinks to fade away. For me to forget.

But then the point is....that even if he DID like me..and even if I KNEW that...and even knowing how I totally don't want to ever lose myself in a man every again.....and even though he seems like a healthy person in these reguards.....well, nothing but FULL attention would calm my worries!

I hate that....really.
I know that no matter what....i just don't know how NOT to become emeshed and completely devoted and giving of everything I am to please a person (in what i've come to learn as being MY attempts to control love....and how much love I recieve and how I recieve it).

He's a good guy. Really. I'm pretty certian of this b/c i wasn't initially attracted to him. (well there was that seed placed in my head many, many years ago...so since then i've always had a little pang noise go off somewhere hidden in a deep way off cave inside my emotions.....but that was just a ....."hummmm....." pang...and "what if" sort of thing - basically totally unlike the typical "bad" guys I go running to and then cant escape b/c of that strong "bond" I feel with that person).

So....he's a good guy.
He likes kids and wants to have at least one some day.
He has a job/career (unlike those two main relationships I've had within the past 7 years or so).
He's self-sufficient...
Has goals...
dreams....
ambitions....
He has those dark features I like so much...and hair I could run my fingers through....
He's fun and spontaneous....
And even has a college degree!!!!!!!!! (i've never dated anyone at the same educational level as myself!!!!)
Intelligent....
creative....
Warm...
Very polite and considerate....
Doesn't seem to have any issues with substance abuse...
I like his friends ....and they seem to like me....
He has even a secondary passion....and in addition to the job i already mentioned....

So....yeah....probably the healthiest guy i've EVER been interested in!!! And perhaps that's what scares me SO much? Because I know that leaves a whole lot of room for my craziness to mess anythign and eveything up.

So....i don't know him really, but what I know about him I adore....even his weird quirkness that he has going on sometimes.

So....how do I keep myself sane? The easy solution is to spout off some grumpy, unpleasantness....and scare him away. That way there's NO questions to be answered. There's no uncertianties that way. But I know I don't want to do that.

Truely....my fear is that i've invented all the "signs" that he might be interested in me....and that he knows he will never be interested in me for anything other than a very casual, once-in-a-while, facad friendship.

Then...i'm totally afraid i'll drive myself crazy. Heck I already am. I can't imagine several months of me still thinking in these circles!

Perhaps....I should just become a nun with a camera...and call it a day.

shutterbug

whew....just the length of all that jabber....tells me i'm obsessing in a very unreasonable and unhealthy manner.

What to do....

I don't want to be alone...
But yet...I dont' want to be like this 24/7 either...

Oh....i sure wish Live were here....