Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
OH Jenna, I keep THINKING about calling you!
I hate that afraid at work thing, I have got it going on too. Damn this craziness! Mine gets triggered by the same thing...past failure, injustice....and yes, the mental illness....and unrealistic expectations of being perfectionists and others' opinion comments taking on too much meaning for us.
Let's try to get a hold on it somehow as not only does it make us a wreck, it does impact and effect our work and how the rest of them see us, which unfortunately does matter.
I know I can point to your recent outstanding achievements and successes and it won't matter a bit! Just those girls' comments are enough to unravel us.
I knew you were really putting yourself out there with the lawsuit and frankly I think it is a blessing that you are forced to let it go. It had too much power to hurt you in the present. Would you call it justice, really, if it just hurt you more now?
In time, their practices will reap the fruit of what they have sown.
LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE, GLOATING IS SECOND.
You are successful now. Can you find a gossip that will get every success to their ear? I am and have been ornery enough to arrange that.
The more you can detach from it and heal, the better for you. The hell with them. They are stuck with what they are! See how much better off you are! You are moving forward, they are not!
You have every right to be mad about what happened and to mourn but for myself I have to limit it so it doesn't eat me alive today..
Randy, where ya going on your vacation? And if your wife works that should help having two incomes. My husband is on VA disability and it isn't enough to buy a cardboard box under an underpass, but it helps. Because I work full time, then I get screwball and miss work, so my income is unstable.
As talking about with Jenna, I wonder how many times I can miss/screw up or how long they are going to tolerate me.
But you seem to have a long term stable position.
And a wedding! Repeat 100 times, so many people on the boards are miserable in loneliness, wishing for, wanting a companion!
I know. I know. Then there is the extra stress of being responsible (financially and otherwise) for another as well!
It is really late! I will be back tomorrow.
hugs!
Tena
I hate that afraid at work thing, I have got it going on too. Damn this craziness! Mine gets triggered by the same thing...past failure, injustice....and yes, the mental illness....and unrealistic expectations of being perfectionists and others' opinion comments taking on too much meaning for us.
Let's try to get a hold on it somehow as not only does it make us a wreck, it does impact and effect our work and how the rest of them see us, which unfortunately does matter.
I know I can point to your recent outstanding achievements and successes and it won't matter a bit! Just those girls' comments are enough to unravel us.
I knew you were really putting yourself out there with the lawsuit and frankly I think it is a blessing that you are forced to let it go. It had too much power to hurt you in the present. Would you call it justice, really, if it just hurt you more now?
In time, their practices will reap the fruit of what they have sown.
LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE, GLOATING IS SECOND.
You are successful now. Can you find a gossip that will get every success to their ear? I am and have been ornery enough to arrange that.
The more you can detach from it and heal, the better for you. The hell with them. They are stuck with what they are! See how much better off you are! You are moving forward, they are not!
You have every right to be mad about what happened and to mourn but for myself I have to limit it so it doesn't eat me alive today..
Randy, where ya going on your vacation? And if your wife works that should help having two incomes. My husband is on VA disability and it isn't enough to buy a cardboard box under an underpass, but it helps. Because I work full time, then I get screwball and miss work, so my income is unstable.
As talking about with Jenna, I wonder how many times I can miss/screw up or how long they are going to tolerate me.
But you seem to have a long term stable position.
And a wedding! Repeat 100 times, so many people on the boards are miserable in loneliness, wishing for, wanting a companion!
I know. I know. Then there is the extra stress of being responsible (financially and otherwise) for another as well!
It is really late! I will be back tomorrow.
hugs!
Tena
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Wow - Glad To Find This One !!!!!!
I am diagnosed Bi-polar and was Very depressed and in bed for 4 years...the last 3 I have been much better and finally off welfare..Before this illness struck I was a VERY successful Business woman so this whole thing has been very humbling for me..It has been a very slow start for me getting back...I have very little energy and I am rapid cycling during the day..I have never ha d severe mania, that is why I have resisted this diagnosis..However I now realized that the mania manifested itself in my workaholism..which was cyclical..I finally have an excellent Psychiatrist who has really improved my meds so that I am a lot more functional..He is suggesting that I may want to consider Electro Shock Treatment - that I was a good candidate for it..I FREAKED !!! But I went for a 2nd opinion who concurred that it would possibly be very helpful..I met with a few people who had it and they were happy with the results..met a girl who's father had it and was sympton-free and completely off meds for the last 10 yrs !!!!..This has really sent me in a tailspin..Doc is away on vacation till Aug, as it looms I am getting more nervous and telling myself - Oh I'm fine (as I'm isolating and spending 1/2 of each day in bed)...Anyway...I don't want to lose this site as - unless someone has had these mental illnesses - They CANNOT Identify...I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE !!!!!!!!! Janni 
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
the return of major depression is akin to death...the death of one's new found self.
2 days now...and today worse than yesterday. body pains have returned, severe, unrelenting tiredness/fatigue returned. All is feeling lost more each day. I was doing fairly well until Saturday spent at the zoo for about 5 hours and Sunday was another unwelcome day of hybernation/recouperation.
Monday, a co-worker kindly pushed me to leave work as soon as possible so I could go home and rest and in hopes I would feel better today and not be so grumpy. Grumpy...I wasn't actually grumpy yesterday...just not my usually playful and motivated self.
I curse the sun today...for it brings much pain and fear.
how long will this last? How much worse will it get? Will my job be in jeapordy soon? How can I make it through another ...even if only half as bad as the last?
I want to cry, but fear if I do...it will water will never cease. Oh, how cruel comes onset of this all-to-familiar beast.
My life...a Jeckle and Hyde novel...this seems another chapter of Hyde (hide) provailing...for hide is what I want to do most now.
"Swing low...sweet chariot"...perhaps lyrics inspired by this illness? My sweet chariot is racing off into darkness again and the reighns of control have disappeared.
2 days now...and today worse than yesterday. body pains have returned, severe, unrelenting tiredness/fatigue returned. All is feeling lost more each day. I was doing fairly well until Saturday spent at the zoo for about 5 hours and Sunday was another unwelcome day of hybernation/recouperation.
Monday, a co-worker kindly pushed me to leave work as soon as possible so I could go home and rest and in hopes I would feel better today and not be so grumpy. Grumpy...I wasn't actually grumpy yesterday...just not my usually playful and motivated self.
I curse the sun today...for it brings much pain and fear.
how long will this last? How much worse will it get? Will my job be in jeapordy soon? How can I make it through another ...even if only half as bad as the last?
I want to cry, but fear if I do...it will water will never cease. Oh, how cruel comes onset of this all-to-familiar beast.
My life...a Jeckle and Hyde novel...this seems another chapter of Hyde (hide) provailing...for hide is what I want to do most now.
"Swing low...sweet chariot"...perhaps lyrics inspired by this illness? My sweet chariot is racing off into darkness again and the reighns of control have disappeared.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I read in a mag that in some women the sun zaps some mineral or vitamin that can make us feel very fatigued without it....I need to find that article and go get a full blood-work up done at the docs soon (and hopefully get actually diagnosed with diabitis so my insurance will cover a blood sugar testing kit).
I feel like a scientist...always searching and exploring possible side explinations to the way I feel and what is happening to me. I refuse to just sit by and assume there is nothing more to be learned or found out about the way body works! (or doesn't work, as the case may be)
I feel like a scientist...always searching and exploring possible side explinations to the way I feel and what is happening to me. I refuse to just sit by and assume there is nothing more to be learned or found out about the way body works! (or doesn't work, as the case may be)
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
umm...problem fixed....my sleep apnea machine wasn't working properly.
Air leak fixed = much better night and morning and day!
Air leak fixed = much better night and morning and day!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Another revelation since my last post here....Again, as usuall, I always forget about how depressed I get just before my girly time each month.
I'm feeling much better today. Still quite a bit of residual tiredness, but muches betters
I'm feeling much better today. Still quite a bit of residual tiredness, but muches betters
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
today is sinus infection hell. Came on suddenly yesterday evening...multi-vit, vit C, lavendar and peppermint oil, Omega 3 fish oil regime trying to releve soem of this discomfort, but I've only felt very slight improvement.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
rough day...head in a vice grip and getting squeezed tighter. work...barely got through the day...i'm going home to hybernate for the weekend. See you all on the flip-side.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I'm doing much better....thanks all for the well wishes. I zoned out Monday, but have been better since. Yesterday was an average, "normal" day. Today I feel okay, but my body is a little tired and achy (heavy feeling).
I've been stressing over my job still. I've been a super ditz as of late and I can tell it's starting to aggrivate him - instead of him finding it funny, it's annoying him a bit. Today he rolled his eyes at me. I'm feeling less than intelligent. I don't even bother trying to read 99 percent of the stories in our paper b/c i don't understand or even have any reasont to care about trying to understand all that business crap. I went to a luncheon yesterday to photograph the speaker -- and his talk was interesting (on international business) but even after I left I still had no clue what the group was called that was holding the luncheon or what kind of group they are. I felt really dumb.
Anyway, that's my only major concern as of late is strong feelings of inadequacy.
Hugs and hope you all are well,
Jenna
I've been stressing over my job still. I've been a super ditz as of late and I can tell it's starting to aggrivate him - instead of him finding it funny, it's annoying him a bit. Today he rolled his eyes at me. I'm feeling less than intelligent. I don't even bother trying to read 99 percent of the stories in our paper b/c i don't understand or even have any reasont to care about trying to understand all that business crap. I went to a luncheon yesterday to photograph the speaker -- and his talk was interesting (on international business) but even after I left I still had no clue what the group was called that was holding the luncheon or what kind of group they are. I felt really dumb.
Anyway, that's my only major concern as of late is strong feelings of inadequacy.
Hugs and hope you all are well,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
yummy boys....everywhere there are yummy boys....Jimminy Christmas!
sorry i've been neglecting this journal a bit the past week or two, but my mind has been full of to-dos and when not...i'm sleepy and tired. I've got to get into a new pdoc or something and get on a mood stabalizer. I've yaked my therapist's head off the last 3 sessions with nearly non-stop talking.
boys....yummy boys....
yes, my hormones seem to have started kicking in over the last couple of months. I've abstained for nearly 2 years now and I haven't so much as kissed anyone during this time either. I miss it. I don't like that I'm beginning to miss the touch of another. I don't like it one bit. I still want to concentrate on me some more before I bring another person, with all their issues, into my world. But I mostly miss the companionship and having someone know me like that.
boys....yummy boys....
LOL
sorry i've been neglecting this journal a bit the past week or two, but my mind has been full of to-dos and when not...i'm sleepy and tired. I've got to get into a new pdoc or something and get on a mood stabalizer. I've yaked my therapist's head off the last 3 sessions with nearly non-stop talking.
boys....yummy boys....
yes, my hormones seem to have started kicking in over the last couple of months. I've abstained for nearly 2 years now and I haven't so much as kissed anyone during this time either. I miss it. I don't like that I'm beginning to miss the touch of another. I don't like it one bit. I still want to concentrate on me some more before I bring another person, with all their issues, into my world. But I mostly miss the companionship and having someone know me like that.
boys....yummy boys....
LOL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
LOL
I love you...but I don't have one of those to fit one of yours! LOL And I did agree to monogamy.
All ha-has aside. Wow, this has been a great issue for me lately. I found out that trazadone, yes the sleep prescrip both hubby and I are on is prescribed to quelch sexual response. So, yeah....guess what...we stopped taking it. I haven't slept normally in over a week. But dammit, he has prostrate cancer, and when he quit it is UP all the time and we may only have this short while because prostrate treatment usually results in impotence. And I have found the little bit of intimacy worth (almost) the inability to sleep and function the next day.
Anyway...I say to you "Eros".....the god/or godess, I forget which, which is the attraction and creative force and is eeegads! sexual! is so important to creativity and the sustaining of life!
I see this as a wonderfully progressive sign in you! Now, the challenge....can you be in the now, without the codie....of forever?
I may sound immoral. I prefer to think of it as practical, negotiated experience!
Love you............
PS..... I tend to be all about my man but overly amorous with my beloved girlfriends! Am I bi? Not in practice (anymore), so who cares? Loving energy is loving energy!
I love you...but I don't have one of those to fit one of yours! LOL And I did agree to monogamy.
All ha-has aside. Wow, this has been a great issue for me lately. I found out that trazadone, yes the sleep prescrip both hubby and I are on is prescribed to quelch sexual response. So, yeah....guess what...we stopped taking it. I haven't slept normally in over a week. But dammit, he has prostrate cancer, and when he quit it is UP all the time and we may only have this short while because prostrate treatment usually results in impotence. And I have found the little bit of intimacy worth (almost) the inability to sleep and function the next day.
Anyway...I say to you "Eros".....the god/or godess, I forget which, which is the attraction and creative force and is eeegads! sexual! is so important to creativity and the sustaining of life!
I see this as a wonderfully progressive sign in you! Now, the challenge....can you be in the now, without the codie....of forever?
I may sound immoral. I prefer to think of it as practical, negotiated experience!
Love you............
PS..... I tend to be all about my man but overly amorous with my beloved girlfriends! Am I bi? Not in practice (anymore), so who cares? Loving energy is loving energy!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
I see this as a wonderfully progressive sign in you! Now, the challenge....can you be in the now, without the codie....of forever?
um....nope! That's the problem and the main reason why I DON'T want the return of these thoughts and feelings! There are two guys I am attracted to right now. One is engaged and out of the question, but fun to flirt with....and the other...I don't know, but I've been thinking about him a lot lately.
I've known "of" him for over a decade and a half, but only recently started actually interacting with him very occasionally. And each time, I disect his actions and words, like I figure most women do. It wasn't abnormal for the first several times, but the last 2 times, he's done or said things to make me think he may have at least a slight interest in me and that he's just really shy. Anyway, the thought that he "might" be interested in me...has my head swimming! Several times a day I think about him and wonder. And then put myself down with that nasty record in my head that says if anyone was interested in me then I wouldn't have to be "guessing"...I would know...so therefore I'm being stupid and rediculous!
I don't know...the codie ways are deep engrained in me. I may be forever damaged. I'm definetly an all-or-nothing person anyway so I think it makes the codie issues maybe much harder to handle. The only certianty is that I can handle my codie issues if I'm NOT in any kind of romantic relationship. So do I have to stay single to stay sane?
I want to cry over this and am having to blink a bunch to keep the tears back. And even one night things would be impossible for me...too many emotions involved...and the girl thing, I don't think I could ever bring myself to even try anything like that for a ton of reasons, but it were possible it would probably be emotionally better for me.
I don't know...I have to get to work now...got a press conference with the gov in an hour and then lots of driving to other assignments after that.
Hey live...you go girl with the not taking those meds right now to be with your husband, but don't forget that lack of sleep for bipolars can be a bad, bad thing...just a gentle reminder
My sleeps been less than steler lately too...not sure what's up though.
Most days I'm frustrated with so many things...don't know which way to turn first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I wasn't suggesting you get a girlfriend, silly dear!
just joking around.....and wondering if you would be comfortable dating without having expecting it to turn into something more.
Love you!
just joking around.....and wondering if you would be comfortable dating without having expecting it to turn into something more.
Love you!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
HAHA....I know you weren't suggesting that. I just can't figure out how NOT to let my heart get involved, so single I hope I can remain for quite a while longer...
Hugs,
Jenna
Hugs,
Jenna
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