the life that lead me here...
Strugglin...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Melbourne, Fl
Posts: 12
the life that lead me here...
Ok, one last post before i crawl into bed...im sorry if im bothering anyone with all my long posts...im excited to have found a forum i relate too...
anywho...i'll try to make this one as short as I can. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when i was 5. I have 2 older sisters, who are 7 and 10 years older then me. Whom both now have families of there own, one living in Holland, and the other back home in Ga. When i was about 7, my mother decided she wanted to live the single life, and realized that having a small child, she couldnt really do it. So, she made the decesion to live her life..and forget about mine. I was often shipped away to friends and family's houses on the weekends, to give my mother "free time" and during the week, she would lock me up in my bedroom untill it was time for dinner. My father wasnt around, he was married again, with steph children to take care of. My mother was engaged by the time i was 10, to a much older, very wealthy man named George. He was a kind man, but i didnt like him because i blamed him for taking my mother away from me. When i turned 12, Georiga had passed on, and my mother became suicidal and a user. Taking as many pills as she could. She was practicly a walking pharmacy. George's youngest son was a Youth Minister at a local baptist church, and he wanted me to come and visit. I wasn't very "popular" at school, due to the lack of attention my mother gave me, i was unaware of cleanliness and self hygeine. I started to attend the church in which Joe was the youth minister at. I loved it! I had fianally found a place where i was accepted, and truly loved by all. I had found people who loved me, and a God who cared for me unconditionally. Joe and I spent a lot of time together, he was around from time to time while my mother was dating his father, and was very much aware of the lack of attention and love i was receiving from home. Taking that to his advantage, he started to abuse me sexually, it lasted 4 years, and my mother was aware pretty much every second. She had walked in on him having sex with me, and would just turn around and walk out!!! I never told anyone, for 1, scared that no one would believe me, and for 2, my mom didnt seem to be botherd by it, so i thought maybe i was just being odd. and maybe it WAS ok. Before i new it, Joe and I had a "relationship" and even tho i was completely uncomfortable with everything that was going on. I appreciated that someone in my life finally cared about me, I thought i had fallen in love. He took my craving of attention and used it to his advantage. After about 3 years into it, my so called "church family" started to suspect things were going on, and started being extremely cold to me, instead of asking me what was wrong, or if anything was going on. They just avoided me all in all, my youthgroup started to disrespect me, and of course, i was a very loyal member. The president of the Youth Commitee, leader of the praise and worship on wednesday nights, and teaching bible study once a month. During clean up, after church on sundays, i often found some of the notes that the youth members would pass back and forth, and read these awful things they said about me. It broke my heart...these were my friends, and i didnt understand how they could hate me for something i had no control over. One day, Joe had come by my house to have his way with me, and the minister of my church came by. I opened the door, to him screaming and yelling at me, accusing me of being a homewrecker (Joe was married and had 2 children in the youth group as well) I was so upset, shortly after that, i found out that i was pregnant. My sister found out, and called the police...Joe was thrown in jail, i had dropped out of school, and attempted to keep my son. But later miscarried due to stress and my age. My so called "church family" told me i was never allowed near that church again, my friends had turned there backs on me, and everyone accused me of "seducing" a married man, and a youth minister. I didnt understand these things. Didnt understand how i could be at fault. To this day, i've been diagnosed with Bi~Polar/Manic Depressant. I am happily in love with my fiance'. But, i feel so bad, because I know that he deserves so much better treatment. I cant help it...my moods jump from one to another...i have such great "highs" and im so happy...but instantly, ill have the lowest of lows, and suicide often fills my thoughts. He amazes me by putting up with me. He helps me try to stay clean of the drugs i was once involved with, and respects me, and try's his best to understand my emotions.
Lately, my moods have been jumping so drasticly in an instant. Im in an enviorment, that im unfamiliar with, i have no friends, and no family really. I live with my mother, but obviously with the crap from my psat, we dont get along at all. She's with another man, who, again, is quite wealthy, and thats all that matters to her. I want a family..i want friends..i want a life of happinesss...since i was 9 years old, since my mother started dating...i find myself often curled up, crying hystericaly, wanting to "go home" when, in reality...im "homeless". I have a place to reside..but i dont have a home..and i havent for 11 years...bah, this is just the beginning, im sure that i'll use this forum often throught out my insane ups and downs, in hopes that i can find support and help. Especially with my suicidal thoughts, and my drug usage. Thanx for listening....
anywho...i'll try to make this one as short as I can. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when i was 5. I have 2 older sisters, who are 7 and 10 years older then me. Whom both now have families of there own, one living in Holland, and the other back home in Ga. When i was about 7, my mother decided she wanted to live the single life, and realized that having a small child, she couldnt really do it. So, she made the decesion to live her life..and forget about mine. I was often shipped away to friends and family's houses on the weekends, to give my mother "free time" and during the week, she would lock me up in my bedroom untill it was time for dinner. My father wasnt around, he was married again, with steph children to take care of. My mother was engaged by the time i was 10, to a much older, very wealthy man named George. He was a kind man, but i didnt like him because i blamed him for taking my mother away from me. When i turned 12, Georiga had passed on, and my mother became suicidal and a user. Taking as many pills as she could. She was practicly a walking pharmacy. George's youngest son was a Youth Minister at a local baptist church, and he wanted me to come and visit. I wasn't very "popular" at school, due to the lack of attention my mother gave me, i was unaware of cleanliness and self hygeine. I started to attend the church in which Joe was the youth minister at. I loved it! I had fianally found a place where i was accepted, and truly loved by all. I had found people who loved me, and a God who cared for me unconditionally. Joe and I spent a lot of time together, he was around from time to time while my mother was dating his father, and was very much aware of the lack of attention and love i was receiving from home. Taking that to his advantage, he started to abuse me sexually, it lasted 4 years, and my mother was aware pretty much every second. She had walked in on him having sex with me, and would just turn around and walk out!!! I never told anyone, for 1, scared that no one would believe me, and for 2, my mom didnt seem to be botherd by it, so i thought maybe i was just being odd. and maybe it WAS ok. Before i new it, Joe and I had a "relationship" and even tho i was completely uncomfortable with everything that was going on. I appreciated that someone in my life finally cared about me, I thought i had fallen in love. He took my craving of attention and used it to his advantage. After about 3 years into it, my so called "church family" started to suspect things were going on, and started being extremely cold to me, instead of asking me what was wrong, or if anything was going on. They just avoided me all in all, my youthgroup started to disrespect me, and of course, i was a very loyal member. The president of the Youth Commitee, leader of the praise and worship on wednesday nights, and teaching bible study once a month. During clean up, after church on sundays, i often found some of the notes that the youth members would pass back and forth, and read these awful things they said about me. It broke my heart...these were my friends, and i didnt understand how they could hate me for something i had no control over. One day, Joe had come by my house to have his way with me, and the minister of my church came by. I opened the door, to him screaming and yelling at me, accusing me of being a homewrecker (Joe was married and had 2 children in the youth group as well) I was so upset, shortly after that, i found out that i was pregnant. My sister found out, and called the police...Joe was thrown in jail, i had dropped out of school, and attempted to keep my son. But later miscarried due to stress and my age. My so called "church family" told me i was never allowed near that church again, my friends had turned there backs on me, and everyone accused me of "seducing" a married man, and a youth minister. I didnt understand these things. Didnt understand how i could be at fault. To this day, i've been diagnosed with Bi~Polar/Manic Depressant. I am happily in love with my fiance'. But, i feel so bad, because I know that he deserves so much better treatment. I cant help it...my moods jump from one to another...i have such great "highs" and im so happy...but instantly, ill have the lowest of lows, and suicide often fills my thoughts. He amazes me by putting up with me. He helps me try to stay clean of the drugs i was once involved with, and respects me, and try's his best to understand my emotions.
Lately, my moods have been jumping so drasticly in an instant. Im in an enviorment, that im unfamiliar with, i have no friends, and no family really. I live with my mother, but obviously with the crap from my psat, we dont get along at all. She's with another man, who, again, is quite wealthy, and thats all that matters to her. I want a family..i want friends..i want a life of happinesss...since i was 9 years old, since my mother started dating...i find myself often curled up, crying hystericaly, wanting to "go home" when, in reality...im "homeless". I have a place to reside..but i dont have a home..and i havent for 11 years...bah, this is just the beginning, im sure that i'll use this forum often throught out my insane ups and downs, in hopes that i can find support and help. Especially with my suicidal thoughts, and my drug usage. Thanx for listening....
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Linzi
I am so sorry you went through such things.
You seduced him? Who ever said that is just WRONG.
As a minister, he needs hold himself up against any temptation, made up in his mind or direct. He is so wrong.
I know you may be hurting and maybe even blame God to some degree.
Please don't do as I did for so many years though... don't stay away from God because of what some man said or did. The youth minister was wrong. Don't let his improper actions cause you to stay away from true unconditional love that comes direct from God.
I am so sorry you went through such things.
You seduced him? Who ever said that is just WRONG.
As a minister, he needs hold himself up against any temptation, made up in his mind or direct. He is so wrong.
I know you may be hurting and maybe even blame God to some degree.
Please don't do as I did for so many years though... don't stay away from God because of what some man said or did. The youth minister was wrong. Don't let his improper actions cause you to stay away from true unconditional love that comes direct from God.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
((((((Linz))))) Welcome to SR dear heart!
I'm a rapid cycling bipolar just like you so know that I understand much of what you're going thru there and that I will offer you any and all support I have to offer.
I even had a childhood quite similar to yours althought I don't believe mine was quite that vicious but I’ll give you a little brief synopsis: Was molested by my uncle around age 5 and both my mom and dad had caught him being inappropriate with me at age 1 and threatened to kill him if he ever did it again, but they still allowed me, and eventually my little sis to stay the night there so they allowed it to happen. He ended up going to prison, which took a father away from his 2 sons and I grew up feeling responsible for them not having a dad -figure around for about 8 years of their childhood. My mom yelled at us about everything and dad ignored us….just got worse when they divorced around when I was 12 or so. Mom pretty much abandoned us completely and even when we rarely stayed with her all she did was scream and yell about having kids around. Living at home with dad…..well I know EXACTLY how you feel about not feeling like you ever had a home. My dad married my step-mom Glenda just right after the divorce and she had a daughter my age but about ½ a year younger. Well from that point on my life totally became a livign hell. I was literally ignored by all until I graduated and moved away to college. Only way dad would talk to me was if I went out where he was working and acted interested in whatever he was doing. If I tried to talk about anything in my life…he never paid attention….just gave me a few nods and "a-huhs" every so often to make it seem like he was but I would usually give up mid-whatever I was trying to tell him and walk out and he never even noticed. And asking for lunch money every week always put me in uncontrollable tears b/c he had always spent all his money over the weekend at the bars and he would yell and get very upset b/c he had to fork over his last few dollars...or would make us feel even more like crap if he didnt' even have a couple dollars because then he had to find some money some how....many times we got change that he had dug around and found. And when it came time for evening meals...well...my step-mom was so vicious that she would only fix enough for her, her daughter and my dad, like she would ONLY fix 3 hambergers and my sis and I would have to dig to find something b/c we didnt' know how to cook. And she would only set the table for 3 people. The only time my step-mom or step sis would say anything at all was to repremand me or tell me to do something and then it was in a very cold and hateful tone like they were sick at their stomachs to even have to deal with me. I if I ever had a question or something it was like talking to thin air…..they heard me, but always acted like they didn’t. My black lab dog became my only friend for quite some time. Sounds silly I know, but she could tell when I was really hurting and would always come to comfort me and I would talk to her just like a person and she would look at me just like she understood. That was all I had. I finally got involved in church and drownded myself in it just like you…and my best friends family practically adopted me and took always picked me up and even would pay for me at resturants we went to after church. I was very blessed to have them. It breaks my heart that your church family did you so wrong. I can only imagine what that would be like after feeling like I had….and I know you must have….that no body loved you or cared if you lived or died. I felt unlovable and still do and I’m 29…never been married….only one real relationship has every lasted more than 3 months and that b*stard molested my precious and darling cousin who’s mom died when she was 11 and she lost her only sister at the time and had never met her real father. Anyway, I desperately want kids and a husband, but dont’ think me personally will ever be well enough to be successful at either of those attempts. Anyway, sweetie, the fact that you have made it here tells me how strong you are to have survived all that you've been through! That's a BIG thing to be proud of yourself for!
I'm guessing that you're in your early 20's like 21 or 22....am I right?
Anyway, this last year has been hell as I am STILL dealing with a major depressive episode. I’ve been in the hospital twice and a treatment program twice, was fired from my career job when I went back into the hospital for the second time, lost the love of my life b/c he was a ver toxic late-stage alcoholic who was going back and forth between me and his "other" girlfriend for about a year. I let him bring my so down in life that I came seconds away from making a split suicide attempt to run my car into heavy oncoming traffic….all on a night I had just won the most exciting and prestigious award I ever had in my field of journalism.. I should have been glowing and grining from ear to ear…but I could have won the lottery that day and it wouldn’t have mattered to me…nothing else did but him. Well, I finally got rid of him through the help of Alanon. Anyway, I always direct new bipolars at this site to my journal of this past year here at SR…some have found it helpful to know they are not alone in their struggles with this illness and such and others here have been angels to me throughout that thread. This place….I can’t say enought about this place…this forum mostly b/c everyone I know in this mental health forum are the most caring and supportive and non-judgemental people I know. So I hope you feel as comfortable in this place as I do….this is my little peice of heaven. If your intersted in a long reading my old thread is called something like "Help, I’m going through a bipolar episode and I’m scared."
Dont’ know if you know this, but around 85 percent of bipolars have been found to abuse substances in attemps to self-medicate, regardless of whether or not they know they have a mental illness. Thus far, I feel blessed that I am only addicted to cigerettes, but with my asthma and emphazima…they literally are death sticks and will kill me faster than most, but I can’t get strong enough to get away from them. I’ve read that when people with substance abuse issues are able to get their bipolar under control that it becomes much easier to stay free from the addictions…but I dont’ know since I’m still struggling a lot with my illness and also because I don’t have a "true" substance abuse problem, one which affects my daily life like alcoholism or drug use does….so I can’t personally speak from experience there, but there are others here who can.
Also….just a side note that I try to tell everyone new that I run into…we are a fairly small group here in this particular forum so it might take a little longer (or much longer in some cases) to get feedback to your threads and posts, so don’t get discouraged and think we don’t care b/c we do…very much so
Hope you stick around and keep us up to date on how things are going for you. Feel free to PM me or ask me anything in a thread that you want….we are all a pretty open and honest bunch and I dont’ hide anything about my illness.
Feel loved by me…I feel your pain and can empathize with many of your struggles. Just remember that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Jenna
P.S….see and you were worried about your long writing! Girl, don’t pay no mind to that….I’m very long winded cuz I type much faster than I can read and I dont’ have an edit button so everything I think and can get out before disappears…well here it is…all of it…LOL…I’ve really got to get an edit button installed someday before it REALLY gets me into trouble..LOL. J
I'm a rapid cycling bipolar just like you so know that I understand much of what you're going thru there and that I will offer you any and all support I have to offer.
I even had a childhood quite similar to yours althought I don't believe mine was quite that vicious but I’ll give you a little brief synopsis: Was molested by my uncle around age 5 and both my mom and dad had caught him being inappropriate with me at age 1 and threatened to kill him if he ever did it again, but they still allowed me, and eventually my little sis to stay the night there so they allowed it to happen. He ended up going to prison, which took a father away from his 2 sons and I grew up feeling responsible for them not having a dad -figure around for about 8 years of their childhood. My mom yelled at us about everything and dad ignored us….just got worse when they divorced around when I was 12 or so. Mom pretty much abandoned us completely and even when we rarely stayed with her all she did was scream and yell about having kids around. Living at home with dad…..well I know EXACTLY how you feel about not feeling like you ever had a home. My dad married my step-mom Glenda just right after the divorce and she had a daughter my age but about ½ a year younger. Well from that point on my life totally became a livign hell. I was literally ignored by all until I graduated and moved away to college. Only way dad would talk to me was if I went out where he was working and acted interested in whatever he was doing. If I tried to talk about anything in my life…he never paid attention….just gave me a few nods and "a-huhs" every so often to make it seem like he was but I would usually give up mid-whatever I was trying to tell him and walk out and he never even noticed. And asking for lunch money every week always put me in uncontrollable tears b/c he had always spent all his money over the weekend at the bars and he would yell and get very upset b/c he had to fork over his last few dollars...or would make us feel even more like crap if he didnt' even have a couple dollars because then he had to find some money some how....many times we got change that he had dug around and found. And when it came time for evening meals...well...my step-mom was so vicious that she would only fix enough for her, her daughter and my dad, like she would ONLY fix 3 hambergers and my sis and I would have to dig to find something b/c we didnt' know how to cook. And she would only set the table for 3 people. The only time my step-mom or step sis would say anything at all was to repremand me or tell me to do something and then it was in a very cold and hateful tone like they were sick at their stomachs to even have to deal with me. I if I ever had a question or something it was like talking to thin air…..they heard me, but always acted like they didn’t. My black lab dog became my only friend for quite some time. Sounds silly I know, but she could tell when I was really hurting and would always come to comfort me and I would talk to her just like a person and she would look at me just like she understood. That was all I had. I finally got involved in church and drownded myself in it just like you…and my best friends family practically adopted me and took always picked me up and even would pay for me at resturants we went to after church. I was very blessed to have them. It breaks my heart that your church family did you so wrong. I can only imagine what that would be like after feeling like I had….and I know you must have….that no body loved you or cared if you lived or died. I felt unlovable and still do and I’m 29…never been married….only one real relationship has every lasted more than 3 months and that b*stard molested my precious and darling cousin who’s mom died when she was 11 and she lost her only sister at the time and had never met her real father. Anyway, I desperately want kids and a husband, but dont’ think me personally will ever be well enough to be successful at either of those attempts. Anyway, sweetie, the fact that you have made it here tells me how strong you are to have survived all that you've been through! That's a BIG thing to be proud of yourself for!
I'm guessing that you're in your early 20's like 21 or 22....am I right?
Anyway, this last year has been hell as I am STILL dealing with a major depressive episode. I’ve been in the hospital twice and a treatment program twice, was fired from my career job when I went back into the hospital for the second time, lost the love of my life b/c he was a ver toxic late-stage alcoholic who was going back and forth between me and his "other" girlfriend for about a year. I let him bring my so down in life that I came seconds away from making a split suicide attempt to run my car into heavy oncoming traffic….all on a night I had just won the most exciting and prestigious award I ever had in my field of journalism.. I should have been glowing and grining from ear to ear…but I could have won the lottery that day and it wouldn’t have mattered to me…nothing else did but him. Well, I finally got rid of him through the help of Alanon. Anyway, I always direct new bipolars at this site to my journal of this past year here at SR…some have found it helpful to know they are not alone in their struggles with this illness and such and others here have been angels to me throughout that thread. This place….I can’t say enought about this place…this forum mostly b/c everyone I know in this mental health forum are the most caring and supportive and non-judgemental people I know. So I hope you feel as comfortable in this place as I do….this is my little peice of heaven. If your intersted in a long reading my old thread is called something like "Help, I’m going through a bipolar episode and I’m scared."
Dont’ know if you know this, but around 85 percent of bipolars have been found to abuse substances in attemps to self-medicate, regardless of whether or not they know they have a mental illness. Thus far, I feel blessed that I am only addicted to cigerettes, but with my asthma and emphazima…they literally are death sticks and will kill me faster than most, but I can’t get strong enough to get away from them. I’ve read that when people with substance abuse issues are able to get their bipolar under control that it becomes much easier to stay free from the addictions…but I dont’ know since I’m still struggling a lot with my illness and also because I don’t have a "true" substance abuse problem, one which affects my daily life like alcoholism or drug use does….so I can’t personally speak from experience there, but there are others here who can.
Also….just a side note that I try to tell everyone new that I run into…we are a fairly small group here in this particular forum so it might take a little longer (or much longer in some cases) to get feedback to your threads and posts, so don’t get discouraged and think we don’t care b/c we do…very much so
Hope you stick around and keep us up to date on how things are going for you. Feel free to PM me or ask me anything in a thread that you want….we are all a pretty open and honest bunch and I dont’ hide anything about my illness.
Feel loved by me…I feel your pain and can empathize with many of your struggles. Just remember that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Jenna
P.S….see and you were worried about your long writing! Girl, don’t pay no mind to that….I’m very long winded cuz I type much faster than I can read and I dont’ have an edit button so everything I think and can get out before disappears…well here it is…all of it…LOL…I’ve really got to get an edit button installed someday before it REALLY gets me into trouble..LOL. J
Strugglin...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Melbourne, Fl
Posts: 12
Shutter...ah, i appreciate sooooooooo much all you had to share with me. I understand where you stand with relationships and family. That is, unfortunatly, the most important thing in my life. I want to prove to myself that i can make up for my own childhood. and give my children a life they deserve. You guessed right, im 20. I am currently in a realtionship...not quite engaged yet..but i know its coming sometime within the next 2 weeks. (being friends with his sister has its benefits!!) However, this wont be my first engagement, and my biggest fear is that it wont be my last either. I want it to be...soo bad..However, with my emotions, and the way i flip out all the time, no one seems to be able to handle me entirely for a long period of time. I told my boyfriend the day i met him that im a bitch, and a veyr emotional person. He swore to me he could handle it. and so far, he seems to be doing well. Understanding that one little thing will set me off, and ill loose all control of my emotions. He is aware of my past, my addictions, and the stupid, drastic things i did that came along with those things and yet, he still loves me, and takes me for everything i am. and, for some absolutly insane reason, he still thinks he's soo lucky to have me. bah.
anyway, Im glad that your church family never left you behind. and yes. to be rejected by the only people who ever accepted you, really set me off. and i went crasy after the fact.
And in reply to Best's thread...i have not give "up" on God. However, i do not have a relationship with him at the moment...well, i have a very very VERY weak one. I dont bother going ot church, or making any attempt to live my life the way a "Christian" would. Mainly because, my experience with all Christians has never been pleasant. And, I dont understand why on earth God would allow me to go through so much sh*t. and sit back, and watch it all happen.
Please dont get me mistaken. I am very much aware that my life is wonderful compared to many people's lives out there. But, here i am, a 20 year old drug addict/alcoholic. I spent 3 months of my life living behind a gas station, and making money to support my habbits in the worst of ways...(im sure you can imagine)
i could write so much more...but, life away from this box is in exsistance (as muhc as i sometimes wish it wasnt) I've got errands to run and things to get done. however, im sure ill be back on later tonight to update, and see how posts are going!! Stay Well everyone.
anyway, Im glad that your church family never left you behind. and yes. to be rejected by the only people who ever accepted you, really set me off. and i went crasy after the fact.
And in reply to Best's thread...i have not give "up" on God. However, i do not have a relationship with him at the moment...well, i have a very very VERY weak one. I dont bother going ot church, or making any attempt to live my life the way a "Christian" would. Mainly because, my experience with all Christians has never been pleasant. And, I dont understand why on earth God would allow me to go through so much sh*t. and sit back, and watch it all happen.
Please dont get me mistaken. I am very much aware that my life is wonderful compared to many people's lives out there. But, here i am, a 20 year old drug addict/alcoholic. I spent 3 months of my life living behind a gas station, and making money to support my habbits in the worst of ways...(im sure you can imagine)
i could write so much more...but, life away from this box is in exsistance (as muhc as i sometimes wish it wasnt) I've got errands to run and things to get done. however, im sure ill be back on later tonight to update, and see how posts are going!! Stay Well everyone.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Linz....I hear you. Something I've learned and believe very much (even though I sometimes curse God myself for not understanding his plan) the fact is that he DOES have a plan....even for me...so I KNOW he must have one for you too. When I was 20 I could have NEVER imagined how he was pulling me along (often dragging me) in the directions that would even lead me to where I am today. I look back on the twists and turns that i never saw coming and how they ended up to be so wonderful in the end (even though I kicked and screamed wanting to go my own direction....he still drug me down the paths that I needed to go down to get where I should be). That all said, this part of my life right now...I feel is probably (I hope) the most difficult time I will ever go through. And I try very hard to keep the frame of mind that there IS a reason even for all of this and my painful childhood ….and even loosing my job in April. I "think" I understand the direction my life is heading in accordance with his will…but really, all I can do is pray for his will to be done each day in my life and to beg him to continue to drag me kicking and screaming if I’m ever being stubborn again. And even though it may often not sound like it from all my words…but I DO believe that he has great plans in store for me and I will end up happier than I can ever imagine if I have faith in that and follow him through.
Obviously I can’t know what reasoning God had for allowing your church family to be so cruel, but just a few thoughts….maybe there will come a day when YOU have the chance to help someone in those same shoes to NOT feel so abandoned by all. Maybe you can be that ONE person who goes against what the others chose and decide to stand strong and believe in that young girl….just as you had sooooo wished someone would have stood by you. You know what it’s like to be without….and that prepares us to help SO many others not feel that same amount of pain. And even more so….because of your drug addictions….maybe in learning from and overcoming that addiction….you will also have the tools to help another young person in those same shoes as well.
I think the greatest thing we can do in reaction to our hardest struggles….is to turn them into something totally positive and use them to help the lives of others who didn’t have anyone to lean on. Someday YOU will be a rock for someone else struggling. Keep that in mind and I dont’ think you can ever fail. Look at all the difficult journeys you’ve been through and continue to go through….like classes in college. They are dang HARD classes….but if you embrace all the things you can learn in those classes then just imagine what you will have when the final test comes!
That’s what keeps me going…that’s what keeps me learning and not giving up. This is all one big lesson in life that I HAVE to learn in order to fulfull my destiny and God’s will for my life! There IS a reason and God is always 20 steps ahead of us…we just have to be patient and know that there WILL come a day when it all makes sense.
Here’s one more little tid bit that I’ve been telling people around here…..and that is that when my bipolar tude’ kicks in and I start ripping peoples heads off and jumping down their throats….we all know that is not really ME, and I have learned that those people who mean the most to me and who I am closest to are the people who get my bipolar tongue wrath the most. So tell your soon-to-be fiancé this (although he sounds like he already understands with is SO SO wonderful!) or anyone else….just tell them "I only become a bitch to the people I care about the most so if I jump down your throat …just try and take it as a compliment and a bipolar demonstration of how much you mean to me…b/c I dont’ have the energy or the time to jump down people’s throats who mean very little to me."
I usually jump down my mom’s throat and she is an overly sensitive person, but she’s come to understand that I don’t mean to treat her that way…that it’s just a product that sometimes comes along with my illness. I’ve gotten pretty good at realizing what I’ve just said or done to her and immediately apologize as soon as I do finally realize. And every 6 months or so I take a little inventory with her and ask her to tell me how I was able to manage my biting during that time. Even now there are many times that I say and do things that are mean that I HAD NO CLUE I had done or said in that way. Then I can of course have the chance to apologize to her for those things to. But above all….she knows I am NOT that mean person and she is able to not let the things really hurt her that much.
Now….a few questions and such….are you going through severe depression right now? I ask (and this is how I guessed so close to your age) because I hit my first major depression around 21 and it lasted for about a year and caused me to have to drop out of college for a while. You are DEFINETLY one step ahead of me if such a depression is in your future b/c you are informed of the bipolar illness and can take real steps to address it…like coming here for one…and for knowing to go straight to a psychiatrist who can prescribe mood stabilizers where as most reg. Docs will only focus on treating the depression. I battled docs for that whole year and even got some of them pissed at me b/c nothing they gave me seemed to work and they were not educated enough to educate me about what I was dealing with. They just got tired of seeing me and listening to me complain and cry in their offices…LOL. Anyway, realizing you illness at such an early age is a real good thing in my book b/c I wish I had known then what I know now.
Your soon-2B fiancé sounds like he is a God-send….you are blessed to have someone who will not fail you even when you feel like you fail yourself (as we bipolars often do
. We all need at least 1 person who will stick by us no matter what happens. I could just give him a great big giant hug for being the kind of person you have described and I pray he will always be able to be that way and be there for you. WOW…that’s just awesome.
Well, I must go. I’ve got to try and make my butt get moving on some things…but I look forward to hearing from you again….stay strong and keep in touch,
Hugs,
Jenna
Obviously I can’t know what reasoning God had for allowing your church family to be so cruel, but just a few thoughts….maybe there will come a day when YOU have the chance to help someone in those same shoes to NOT feel so abandoned by all. Maybe you can be that ONE person who goes against what the others chose and decide to stand strong and believe in that young girl….just as you had sooooo wished someone would have stood by you. You know what it’s like to be without….and that prepares us to help SO many others not feel that same amount of pain. And even more so….because of your drug addictions….maybe in learning from and overcoming that addiction….you will also have the tools to help another young person in those same shoes as well.
I think the greatest thing we can do in reaction to our hardest struggles….is to turn them into something totally positive and use them to help the lives of others who didn’t have anyone to lean on. Someday YOU will be a rock for someone else struggling. Keep that in mind and I dont’ think you can ever fail. Look at all the difficult journeys you’ve been through and continue to go through….like classes in college. They are dang HARD classes….but if you embrace all the things you can learn in those classes then just imagine what you will have when the final test comes!
That’s what keeps me going…that’s what keeps me learning and not giving up. This is all one big lesson in life that I HAVE to learn in order to fulfull my destiny and God’s will for my life! There IS a reason and God is always 20 steps ahead of us…we just have to be patient and know that there WILL come a day when it all makes sense.
Here’s one more little tid bit that I’ve been telling people around here…..and that is that when my bipolar tude’ kicks in and I start ripping peoples heads off and jumping down their throats….we all know that is not really ME, and I have learned that those people who mean the most to me and who I am closest to are the people who get my bipolar tongue wrath the most. So tell your soon-to-be fiancé this (although he sounds like he already understands with is SO SO wonderful!) or anyone else….just tell them "I only become a bitch to the people I care about the most so if I jump down your throat …just try and take it as a compliment and a bipolar demonstration of how much you mean to me…b/c I dont’ have the energy or the time to jump down people’s throats who mean very little to me."
I usually jump down my mom’s throat and she is an overly sensitive person, but she’s come to understand that I don’t mean to treat her that way…that it’s just a product that sometimes comes along with my illness. I’ve gotten pretty good at realizing what I’ve just said or done to her and immediately apologize as soon as I do finally realize. And every 6 months or so I take a little inventory with her and ask her to tell me how I was able to manage my biting during that time. Even now there are many times that I say and do things that are mean that I HAD NO CLUE I had done or said in that way. Then I can of course have the chance to apologize to her for those things to. But above all….she knows I am NOT that mean person and she is able to not let the things really hurt her that much.
Now….a few questions and such….are you going through severe depression right now? I ask (and this is how I guessed so close to your age) because I hit my first major depression around 21 and it lasted for about a year and caused me to have to drop out of college for a while. You are DEFINETLY one step ahead of me if such a depression is in your future b/c you are informed of the bipolar illness and can take real steps to address it…like coming here for one…and for knowing to go straight to a psychiatrist who can prescribe mood stabilizers where as most reg. Docs will only focus on treating the depression. I battled docs for that whole year and even got some of them pissed at me b/c nothing they gave me seemed to work and they were not educated enough to educate me about what I was dealing with. They just got tired of seeing me and listening to me complain and cry in their offices…LOL. Anyway, realizing you illness at such an early age is a real good thing in my book b/c I wish I had known then what I know now.
Your soon-2B fiancé sounds like he is a God-send….you are blessed to have someone who will not fail you even when you feel like you fail yourself (as we bipolars often do
. We all need at least 1 person who will stick by us no matter what happens. I could just give him a great big giant hug for being the kind of person you have described and I pray he will always be able to be that way and be there for you. WOW…that’s just awesome.Well, I must go. I’ve got to try and make my butt get moving on some things…but I look forward to hearing from you again….stay strong and keep in touch,
Hugs,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Linz...
big hugs gurl...
I'm also a SA survivor... and I know where your coming from...
I also have a creepy churchy childhood.. so.. can relate to you there as well..
and my mother...
well.. she didn't do drugs... but.. she was a raging codie with 6 kids and a violent womanizing husband.. so..
and I get to live with my legacy..
we all do...
but...
I know that I will overcome...
and I hope you try to shed your past as well.. or at least... come to terms with it.
big hugs gurl...
I'm also a SA survivor... and I know where your coming from...
I also have a creepy churchy childhood.. so.. can relate to you there as well..
and my mother...
well.. she didn't do drugs... but.. she was a raging codie with 6 kids and a violent womanizing husband.. so..
and I get to live with my legacy..
we all do...
but...
I know that I will overcome...
and I hope you try to shed your past as well.. or at least... come to terms with it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Linz, Thank You for your long post. I'm leaving work and, this gives me something to look forward to. I love reading post from people that have found their way to us. First, no need for sorry here. That is why we have such a long message block. Each and every post you drop a little more from your backpack. The lighter it gets the easier it is to deal with. Talking is one of the best methods of recovery. Kept inside, we believe our thoughts are us. Kept inside they can grow to the point we're not sure what is real anymore. I have found that in many cases I'm posting to others but, really self talking. We can help with the perception problem many of us have. We have a nurse here whose daughter was killed about 9 months ago in a car accident. A truck lost control on some ice and hit her car. She has returned to work. However, her perception of what happened is way off. She has convinced herself that the trucker, who also died, murdered her daughter. The poor woman sent out an e-mail to the entire OR Staff. She has taken many things out of context. This shows how our mind can change facts to make sense out of something that has no sense. Anyway, this is my long version of saying talking helps sort things out. Sorting them out in our own head is not a home field advantage. You see? I still don't know why it says, Post a quick reply. Don W
Strugglin...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Melbourne, Fl
Posts: 12
its funny how you learn things about yourself...
I figuered out why im such an attention *****. It makes sense to me now. I've always played "second fiddle" to everyone in my life. Especially the most important (and significant) yet the most selfish person in my life. My Mother. I've been asking her to help me get a cell phone under her name for almost 3 or 4 months now. She's beend telling me that she cant, or that she wont, or whatever. Well, she comes home today and Jimmy flaunts his new cell phone in my face (and i mean, literally, sticks it in my face and says, look what yo mommy bought me) So, once again, my mother puts me second...before some f*cking man who has only been around for a year. Im so sick of this ****. I dont understand how a mother can treat her own child that way. I swear the number one goal in my life is to prove that i'll NEVER be like her. Ever! Im so sick of hurting inside...im so sick of crying, and longing to go "home". when in reality, there is no such thing as home for me. There never has been, and probably never will be. Even tho i pray and wish and hope that one day i will hvae my own home.
I've had a rough day, needless to say, and of course, now Jimmy is against me in all senses becaue, im being "rude" to my mother. When, im simply just not really having any feelings towards her whatsoever. Its not about a stupid cell phone, its about how she has never put me first...I know im 20 years old, i understand and respect that. But damn, i've gone a LOOOOONG way off the tracks. and i need someone to help me get back on them. Whats someone to think when there own MOTHER wont help them do that? Yes...im living under her boyfriends roof. But, it isnt hers. I dont know...i think the depression side is kicking in again...
And of course, Bryan called me earlier tonight, and wants me to call him back, yet, i cant get thourgh to his cellphone, and i dont know where to call to.
Im so f*cking upset..and emotional...im sick of crying all the time, and sick of pretending...im always pretending..that everything is ok.
but really, it isnt.
I figuered out why im such an attention *****. It makes sense to me now. I've always played "second fiddle" to everyone in my life. Especially the most important (and significant) yet the most selfish person in my life. My Mother. I've been asking her to help me get a cell phone under her name for almost 3 or 4 months now. She's beend telling me that she cant, or that she wont, or whatever. Well, she comes home today and Jimmy flaunts his new cell phone in my face (and i mean, literally, sticks it in my face and says, look what yo mommy bought me) So, once again, my mother puts me second...before some f*cking man who has only been around for a year. Im so sick of this ****. I dont understand how a mother can treat her own child that way. I swear the number one goal in my life is to prove that i'll NEVER be like her. Ever! Im so sick of hurting inside...im so sick of crying, and longing to go "home". when in reality, there is no such thing as home for me. There never has been, and probably never will be. Even tho i pray and wish and hope that one day i will hvae my own home.
I've had a rough day, needless to say, and of course, now Jimmy is against me in all senses becaue, im being "rude" to my mother. When, im simply just not really having any feelings towards her whatsoever. Its not about a stupid cell phone, its about how she has never put me first...I know im 20 years old, i understand and respect that. But damn, i've gone a LOOOOONG way off the tracks. and i need someone to help me get back on them. Whats someone to think when there own MOTHER wont help them do that? Yes...im living under her boyfriends roof. But, it isnt hers. I dont know...i think the depression side is kicking in again...
And of course, Bryan called me earlier tonight, and wants me to call him back, yet, i cant get thourgh to his cellphone, and i dont know where to call to.
Im so f*cking upset..and emotional...im sick of crying all the time, and sick of pretending...im always pretending..that everything is ok.
but really, it isnt.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Linzi,
I know what your saying as far as your mom never putting you first. Same here.
I moved out of my dad's house 10 years ago because i do not get along with her.
I was born 2 and a half months premature and as far back as i can remember she has told me that i am a burden to her. I will be 35 next week, but i don't feel like doing anything because she doesn't know how to shut up.
I have a beautiful niece who will be 4 in november and my nephew turned 6 in august.
My brother will not let me see them unless i tolerate mom. Every holiday is planned around him. I get so mad sometimes, but then again he was the perfect son.
I made b honor roll in high school but mom wasn't happy. One christmas I was sick with bronchitis. Her only comment was "You don't have to ruin christmas for the rest of the family"
Everything is done her way. I am only allowed to see grandma "dad's mom" on christmas eve or for weddings and funerals.
Dad's only comment was wanting to be paid back the 37 thousand dollars that he spent for my medical bills when i was born.
Mom also told me that she never wanted me, she wanted a son. I'm in counseling, but the therapist only tells me to get a job. I cannot deal with work until the emotional issues are confronted.
I tried family therapy once but mom walked out because the time of the appointment wasn't convenient for her. My family will never put my needs first.
As a friend once said to me, " She may have given birth to you , but she is not your mother." In a way, he's right. A mother should always put her children first. Mom always worked. She was never there to help me with homework or talk about boys.
Just remenber that there are people who care. I'm always here to listen.
KatieRose
I know what your saying as far as your mom never putting you first. Same here.
I moved out of my dad's house 10 years ago because i do not get along with her.
I was born 2 and a half months premature and as far back as i can remember she has told me that i am a burden to her. I will be 35 next week, but i don't feel like doing anything because she doesn't know how to shut up.
I have a beautiful niece who will be 4 in november and my nephew turned 6 in august.
My brother will not let me see them unless i tolerate mom. Every holiday is planned around him. I get so mad sometimes, but then again he was the perfect son.
I made b honor roll in high school but mom wasn't happy. One christmas I was sick with bronchitis. Her only comment was "You don't have to ruin christmas for the rest of the family"
Everything is done her way. I am only allowed to see grandma "dad's mom" on christmas eve or for weddings and funerals.
Dad's only comment was wanting to be paid back the 37 thousand dollars that he spent for my medical bills when i was born.
Mom also told me that she never wanted me, she wanted a son. I'm in counseling, but the therapist only tells me to get a job. I cannot deal with work until the emotional issues are confronted.
I tried family therapy once but mom walked out because the time of the appointment wasn't convenient for her. My family will never put my needs first.
As a friend once said to me, " She may have given birth to you , but she is not your mother." In a way, he's right. A mother should always put her children first. Mom always worked. She was never there to help me with homework or talk about boys.
Just remenber that there are people who care. I'm always here to listen.
KatieRose
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Are You Sure?
[QUOTE=KatieRose]Linzi,
[One christmas I was sick with bronchitis. Her only comment was "You don't have to ruin christmas for the rest of the family"
/QUOTE]
Youre not describing my mom!
[One christmas I was sick with bronchitis. Her only comment was "You don't have to ruin christmas for the rest of the family"
/QUOTE]
Youre not describing my mom!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Bozo,
My mom is very self centered. My grandma on her side passed away in may of 2001'
She would not allow any of my friends to come to the funeral home.
14 months later, i lost my grandpa on my dads side. None of my friends even bothered to call because of what she said when grandma died.
Basically mom has to be the center of attention. At one point she said i don't need a will because everything will go to her and my dad and my brother.
Thank goodness, she was an only child. I don't even want people knowing that she's my mom.
Like a friend told me, we can pick our friends, but we can't pick our parents.
KatieRose
My mom is very self centered. My grandma on her side passed away in may of 2001'
She would not allow any of my friends to come to the funeral home.
14 months later, i lost my grandpa on my dads side. None of my friends even bothered to call because of what she said when grandma died.
Basically mom has to be the center of attention. At one point she said i don't need a will because everything will go to her and my dad and my brother.
Thank goodness, she was an only child. I don't even want people knowing that she's my mom.
Like a friend told me, we can pick our friends, but we can't pick our parents.
KatieRose
Strugglin...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Melbourne, Fl
Posts: 12
why is it that it seems every time i get excited about something...it just...pops, ruins, disapoints me....
My fiance' lives back home in Atlanta. I moved down here to Florida so that i could get clean, and fix my drug addictoin problems..i've been doing decently well..i've kicked all the "heavier" drugs. Anywho...My fiance' lives in his parents summer house...and his parents arent very fond of the idea of a female staying there. No biggie, they werent suposed to be in town while i was there...well...guess who is thinking about sticking around to visit untill thanksgiving??? I just need some quality time with Bryan..badly...i havent seen him in 4 months..and its killing me...i need the snuggle time..the physical contact...the hugs and kisses on the forhead....i need to wake up in his arms once again...
Ugh. I cant sleep im so upset....im running on 3 hours in 2 days...lovely eh?
My fiance' lives back home in Atlanta. I moved down here to Florida so that i could get clean, and fix my drug addictoin problems..i've been doing decently well..i've kicked all the "heavier" drugs. Anywho...My fiance' lives in his parents summer house...and his parents arent very fond of the idea of a female staying there. No biggie, they werent suposed to be in town while i was there...well...guess who is thinking about sticking around to visit untill thanksgiving??? I just need some quality time with Bryan..badly...i havent seen him in 4 months..and its killing me...i need the snuggle time..the physical contact...the hugs and kisses on the forhead....i need to wake up in his arms once again...
Ugh. I cant sleep im so upset....im running on 3 hours in 2 days...lovely eh?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Linzi and Katie: Boy can i relate. I was just thinking today..."why is it that i'm always trying to get people to say nice things to me or about me"...and "why am i so focused on myself all the time?"
Well i think you nailed it Linzi! I've either played second fiddle or NO fiddle to everyone in my life i've ever cared about. For 17+ years I was made to feel like i'm scum and a burden to all.....so anytime someone tells me they love me or care about me or that i made them laugh or just anything....i eat it up as if i am starving.
But I've got a suggestion (ONLY a suggestion)....but what i did was when i graduated from high school the only way I thought I could get away from that horrible life was to go off to college somewhere by myself...away from them all. I think in doing so...that also helped give me back a little bit of self-esteem i had lost in my childhood because I was the first in both sides of my family to even go to college. It took me 7 years and thousands of dollars in federal loans, but i wouldn't replace getting my college degree for anything.
Just wondering if that might be an option for you 2? Especially you Linzi.....if Bryan lives in Atlanta....you could find a school to attend there and kill two birds with one stone (okay actually three...1. move out of mom and her boyfriends...2. be near Bryan...and 3. start working on a college education!!!!!!!!! sounds perfect to me...what do you think?) And if it's money you're worried about....don't let that stop you....i can walk you through the whole process and would be super glad to. Actually, i was able to get enough money from grants and student loans that i didnt' even have to worry about tuition, books, fees, dormroom costs, meal costs...nothing! I did get a part time job in the dorm's computer lab so that i could have spending money. It would most likely be super easy (compared to what you might think) to make it all happen....then you would just have to stick with it until you get your degree and then.....you can always have that and know that even though your mom or dad, sister, brother, Anybody....even though THEY didn't put you first....that YOU did!
Anyway...think about it a little and like i said...if you ever decide you want to give it a shot...i will help you in any way I can to get started and go for it!
Hugs,
Jenna
Well i think you nailed it Linzi! I've either played second fiddle or NO fiddle to everyone in my life i've ever cared about. For 17+ years I was made to feel like i'm scum and a burden to all.....so anytime someone tells me they love me or care about me or that i made them laugh or just anything....i eat it up as if i am starving.
But I've got a suggestion (ONLY a suggestion)....but what i did was when i graduated from high school the only way I thought I could get away from that horrible life was to go off to college somewhere by myself...away from them all. I think in doing so...that also helped give me back a little bit of self-esteem i had lost in my childhood because I was the first in both sides of my family to even go to college. It took me 7 years and thousands of dollars in federal loans, but i wouldn't replace getting my college degree for anything.
Just wondering if that might be an option for you 2? Especially you Linzi.....if Bryan lives in Atlanta....you could find a school to attend there and kill two birds with one stone (okay actually three...1. move out of mom and her boyfriends...2. be near Bryan...and 3. start working on a college education!!!!!!!!! sounds perfect to me...what do you think?) And if it's money you're worried about....don't let that stop you....i can walk you through the whole process and would be super glad to. Actually, i was able to get enough money from grants and student loans that i didnt' even have to worry about tuition, books, fees, dormroom costs, meal costs...nothing! I did get a part time job in the dorm's computer lab so that i could have spending money. It would most likely be super easy (compared to what you might think) to make it all happen....then you would just have to stick with it until you get your degree and then.....you can always have that and know that even though your mom or dad, sister, brother, Anybody....even though THEY didn't put you first....that YOU did!
Anyway...think about it a little and like i said...if you ever decide you want to give it a shot...i will help you in any way I can to get started and go for it!
Hugs,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Jenna,
Sunday is my birthday. Once again i am playing second fiddle. This time to my brother. We have to have my birthday party when it's convenient for him. Apparently i am worthless because i don't have kids. Mom is always putting his needs ahead of mine.
I don't want to spend my birthday with mom, but my brother won't let me see my niece and nephew unless i tolerate mom. let me know if you want my email address.
Linzi,
I'm always here to listen.
KatieRose
Sunday is my birthday. Once again i am playing second fiddle. This time to my brother. We have to have my birthday party when it's convenient for him. Apparently i am worthless because i don't have kids. Mom is always putting his needs ahead of mine.
I don't want to spend my birthday with mom, but my brother won't let me see my niece and nephew unless i tolerate mom. let me know if you want my email address.
Linzi,
I'm always here to listen.
KatieRose
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey everybody...
I can totally relate with the mother stuff...
in fact...
last night when I was again torn apart by someones absence.. and wondering for the umpteenth time just what the hell is wrong with me...
I came across some articles about attachment issues...
man.. lightbulbs were going off all over...
K:\Recovery\Attachment\Attachment and Attachment Disorder.htm
so...
what this boils down to for me is that I have spent my whole life looking to fill the hole that was left by my mother... and this has expressed itself in me in so many destructive ways...
Mothers and mothering are very important.
and I need to recover from what I didn't get.
and what I've spent my whole life looking for.
I can totally relate with the mother stuff...
in fact...
last night when I was again torn apart by someones absence.. and wondering for the umpteenth time just what the hell is wrong with me...
I came across some articles about attachment issues...
man.. lightbulbs were going off all over...
Attachment Disorder -- a mental and emotional condition occurring during the first three years of life where a child does not attach, bond, or trust his or her mother.
The importance of an attachment relationship between mother and child cannot be over-emphasized. Attachment is all about building relationships. Humans need attachments with others for their psychological and emotional development as well as for their survival. Infants need to be physically close to the mother and be able to receive and give affection to form an enduring emotional bond.
The unique and exclusive relationship between a mother and child colors the person's relationships for rest of his or her life. If the relationship is close and secure, then the child learns to trust and love. If the relationship is emotionally distant and inconsistent, then the child learns not to trust or care and believes that one is all alone in the world.
Specifically if a child experiences any of the following in the first three years of life, that child is at risk for attachment disorder:
Drug or alcohol use by mother during pregnancy.
Unwanted pregnancy.
Caring for the infant on a timed schedule, or other self-centered parenting.
Sudden abandonment or separation from mother (death of mother, illness of mother or child, or adoption).
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
Neglect of physical or emotional needs.
Several family moves and/or daycare or foster placements.
Inconsistent/inadequate care or daycare.
Unprepared mothers, poor parent skills, inconsistent responses to child.
Mothers with depression.
Undiagnosed or painful illnesses (ear infections, colic, surgery).
Deborah Hage, a therapist specializing in attachment disorder, adds:
"Traditionally it has been believed that children who have been orphaned or abused and neglected are the primary victims of poor bonding and attachment in the early years. In our two income society, however, a new phenomenon has emerged. Children are being overindulged by parents who have more money then time to spend with them. The result is that children are being raised in financially secure, but emotionally empty environments, with little discipline and structure. Currently this most common form of neglect is also the most socially acceptable. The societal ramifications of children who are overindulged and often emotionally left can be as severe as children who are considered attachment disordered due to abuse, neglect, abandonment, and multiple moves."
Symptoms of attachment disorder may include:
Superficially engaging, affectionate, charming, or phony behavior.
Lack of eye contact.
Oppositional and defiant behaviors.
Extreme control problems. Sneaky or bossy personality.
Affectionate with family and others at the child's discretion -- not on others' terms.
Destructive to self, others, or property.
Cruelty to animals.
Lack of conscience, empathy, remorse, compassion.
Impulsive behavior, lack of self-discipline or self-control.
Obvious lying.
Stealing.
Poor peer relationships.
Inappropriately demanding or clingy.
Manipulative.
Learning difficulties or disorders.
False allegations of abuse.
Preoccupation with fire (or firesetting), blood, gore, and violence.
Attachment-disordered children are guided only by what they want at the moment. Their focus is self-centered and selfish and there is no concern for how their behavior impacts others. Behavior and attitude is similar to those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (termed conduct disorder for individuals under 18 years of age).
Additionally, there are almost always co-existing diagnoses of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), bipolar or other mood disorders, and/or attentional disorders (ADD/ADHD).
Because children’s early attachment relationships govern other relationships throughout life and future behavior, the earlier the intervention the better.
Therapists and counseling centers that specialize in attachment disorders and a strong parent support system are necessary for successful intervention
The importance of an attachment relationship between mother and child cannot be over-emphasized. Attachment is all about building relationships. Humans need attachments with others for their psychological and emotional development as well as for their survival. Infants need to be physically close to the mother and be able to receive and give affection to form an enduring emotional bond.
The unique and exclusive relationship between a mother and child colors the person's relationships for rest of his or her life. If the relationship is close and secure, then the child learns to trust and love. If the relationship is emotionally distant and inconsistent, then the child learns not to trust or care and believes that one is all alone in the world.
Specifically if a child experiences any of the following in the first three years of life, that child is at risk for attachment disorder:
Drug or alcohol use by mother during pregnancy.
Unwanted pregnancy.
Caring for the infant on a timed schedule, or other self-centered parenting.
Sudden abandonment or separation from mother (death of mother, illness of mother or child, or adoption).
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
Neglect of physical or emotional needs.
Several family moves and/or daycare or foster placements.
Inconsistent/inadequate care or daycare.
Unprepared mothers, poor parent skills, inconsistent responses to child.
Mothers with depression.
Undiagnosed or painful illnesses (ear infections, colic, surgery).
Deborah Hage, a therapist specializing in attachment disorder, adds:
"Traditionally it has been believed that children who have been orphaned or abused and neglected are the primary victims of poor bonding and attachment in the early years. In our two income society, however, a new phenomenon has emerged. Children are being overindulged by parents who have more money then time to spend with them. The result is that children are being raised in financially secure, but emotionally empty environments, with little discipline and structure. Currently this most common form of neglect is also the most socially acceptable. The societal ramifications of children who are overindulged and often emotionally left can be as severe as children who are considered attachment disordered due to abuse, neglect, abandonment, and multiple moves."
Symptoms of attachment disorder may include:
Superficially engaging, affectionate, charming, or phony behavior.
Lack of eye contact.
Oppositional and defiant behaviors.
Extreme control problems. Sneaky or bossy personality.
Affectionate with family and others at the child's discretion -- not on others' terms.
Destructive to self, others, or property.
Cruelty to animals.
Lack of conscience, empathy, remorse, compassion.
Impulsive behavior, lack of self-discipline or self-control.
Obvious lying.
Stealing.
Poor peer relationships.
Inappropriately demanding or clingy.
Manipulative.
Learning difficulties or disorders.
False allegations of abuse.
Preoccupation with fire (or firesetting), blood, gore, and violence.
Attachment-disordered children are guided only by what they want at the moment. Their focus is self-centered and selfish and there is no concern for how their behavior impacts others. Behavior and attitude is similar to those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (termed conduct disorder for individuals under 18 years of age).
Additionally, there are almost always co-existing diagnoses of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), bipolar or other mood disorders, and/or attentional disorders (ADD/ADHD).
Because children’s early attachment relationships govern other relationships throughout life and future behavior, the earlier the intervention the better.
Therapists and counseling centers that specialize in attachment disorders and a strong parent support system are necessary for successful intervention
so...
what this boils down to for me is that I have spent my whole life looking to fill the hole that was left by my mother... and this has expressed itself in me in so many destructive ways...
Mothers and mothering are very important.
and I need to recover from what I didn't get.
and what I've spent my whole life looking for.
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
KatieRose
Originally Posted by KatieRose
Bozo,
My mom is very self centered.
Basically mom has to be the center of attention.
KatieRose
My mom is very self centered.
Basically mom has to be the center of attention.
KatieRose
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Bozo,
that would be an interesting party. Although mom's idea of a party is herself, my dad, my brother, his wife, her son, his 2 kids and myself.
I prefer more people. pm me and i'll give you my email adress if you want it. i feel like you understand where i'm comeing from.
KatieRose
that would be an interesting party. Although mom's idea of a party is herself, my dad, my brother, his wife, her son, his 2 kids and myself.
I prefer more people. pm me and i'll give you my email adress if you want it. i feel like you understand where i'm comeing from.
KatieRose
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
KateRose...gosh i wish i had some suggestions or something about your birthday, but i don't unfortunately. Have you tried talking to your brother about your feelings of you mom always putting him first? if so...it sounds like he's just not being very receptive. i think its horrible that he makes you deal with your mom in order to see your neice and nephew....what a jerk.
(((((Bikewench)))) wow...thanks for the great info...i've never heard of that before and i've never heard of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), either so i'll have to check that out too. Boy so much of it fits me although thankfully some of the symptoms don't (gosh what a horrible list of symptoms). i'm gunna have to come back and read over it all once more again later when i have more time...but thanks BUNCHES.
hugs,
Jenna
(((((Bikewench)))) wow...thanks for the great info...i've never heard of that before and i've never heard of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), either so i'll have to check that out too. Boy so much of it fits me although thankfully some of the symptoms don't (gosh what a horrible list of symptoms). i'm gunna have to come back and read over it all once more again later when i have more time...but thanks BUNCHES.
hugs,
Jenna
Last edited by historyteach; 09-04-2008 at 02:22 AM. Reason: Addy deleted per user request
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