Borderline Personality Disorder
 

Hi -
My alcoholic daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. If anyone has this disorder, or has had any experience with BPD, I'd very much appreciate your thoughts.

Robin

Hi, I've been diagnosed with it. I used to drink as well. Here is a link about Borderline Personality Disorder: http://www.psycom.net/depression.cen...orderline.html
If you have any questions I'd be glad to help if I can.
Sincerely, Cate.

Thanks, Cate.

The relationship between my daughter and I has been stormy for years. now that she is working on her recovery from alcoholism, and she has been diagnosed with Borderline Pers. Disorder, I really want to understand it better, so I can do my part to help heal the relationship.

My question to you is: What advice would you give your mother, or any close relative or loved one, to help improve their relationship with you? (as a person with this disorder, what specific things can people do to create and/or maintain a healthy relationship with you?)

Robin

Hi Robin, Borderlines are difficult and it's difficult to treat. Therapy is supposed to be best. Obviously alcohol or drugs make things a lot worse. So her getting sober is a big step. That being said, I've read and been told by doctors that a borderline can do ok if they are lucky enough to have a stable, loving, secure environment when they are children. To foster self esteem and trust and to help with relationship ability. I know that it probably would have made a difference in my life. If her childhood was difficult-I certainly don't know your family's situation and am not inferring you did a bad job-we all do the best we can at the time-I know my parents did, all I can say is to educate yourself about her condition and to try to build on your relationship. Basically for me-I need to feel safe. I need to feel loved-not just told it-but I've got to feel it. I need to feel I can trust people. I need to feel that I'm wanted. Anything that will help her self esteem. So anything you can do that will encourage those things, would be good. But it will be difficult, as Borderlines are known for bad moods-rages even and an inability to trust. I know my father -when I was in my teens thought I didn't care about him because of the way I acted-but I was really crying out for help. He didn't understand-had no idea-so sent me away-furthering the feeling that I was not wanted. Realize that she is ill when she's acting out-but gently call her on it-I don't think it helps if people say "well this person is ill, so they can't help it, so I'll let them act inappropriately." Try and use positive statements when you do this as opposed to negative ones. I hope some of this helps. Good luck and your daughter is lucky to have a mother that is taking an interest in her condition.
Sincerely, Cate.

I just wanted to talk a little more about what I meant about positive statements. This is very important. I'll give you an example. A couple of months ago my father told me "If you'd shut your mouth and stop complaining, you'd be more attractive." Now, where there is truth to what he's saying, it didn't help. I know he was trying to help-or at least thought he was. All this did was reinforce my feelings of not being good enough, of being defective. It made me feel shame. Both my mother and father do things like this. It hurts my feelings. Borderlines are extremely sensitive-they hurt very easily. A positive statement of what my father was trying to say could be something like " You are a smart woman, if you focused your energies on positive thinking and actions, you could really do well." Or something like that. I know with my parents-even though I know they mean well, when I get my feelings hurt-I don't want to be around them and I don't trust them.

Hi robina i have BPD , i wont say anything as dmajor seems to be doing a good job of giving the advice your needing :)

I will say just a little bit on what other charactristics are is that we also suffer from feeling dead inside and not feel emotion. our moods swings can range from every half hour depending on how bad we are feeling. I have a husband and he just tries to leave me alone and not badger me and just wait until im ready to open up or talk about anything.

How bad is your daughter? is she self harming? here is the traits of BPD its normaly if you have 5 or more out of 9 of these that you are BPD. some BPD have other things wrong like i have AD anxeity disorder , eating disorder, panic attacks and so on. there is a number of helpfull sites out there not sure if im allowed to give out any or not.. but here is one and the people from this site can take it down if they like.. www.bpdworld.com it gives you alot of info and help..

here is the traits or criteria of BPD hope that some of this helps..once im more awake i might be able to tell you abit more..

. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive) and there must be no better explanation for them (for example a physical illness, another mental illness or substance misuse).

ICD

ps what else will help is if you help her and you to understand what the condition is all about and also to be there for therapy in stabilising and recovering from this.

find out as much as you can about this then you will be on your way in helping her.. :)

Robina

This is a great forum for the loved ones of those with BPD.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard/index.php#5

I have it ..When I found out I read as much as I could and Iknow how I act .What do you want to know

WE do anything to harm ourselds ,such as unsafe sex,cutting ,eating problems as well as theft ,drugs and anything else..It helps us to deal with the pain

Many, many thanks to those who replied. I have been away from work (and computer) or I would have replied sooner.

Today I ordered the Book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It is a book for loved ones who live with a person with BPD. It's kind of sad that I need a manual for dealing with my daughter, but that's life with BPD, I guess.

dmajor7th: thanks for your insightful comments about how it feels to be you, and about how you would like your loved ones to repsond to you. Those comments will remind me to be as gentle as possible, when the next crisis appears (and there is always some sort of crisis happening - if it is not alcohol related, then it involves suicide threats, cutting, paranoid behaviour, etc...)

In the past I was often very angry with my daughter when she did upsetting things. I am in Alanon now and I rarely vent my anger on her anymore. That is a good start.

Robina

Hi, I think my husband has this. He has asked me for divorce 3 times after any little thing happens that made him feel unsafe. He has told me he is not atracted to me and he hates many things I do. Then Immediatly he tells me he loves me and he acts so sweet. My psychologist told me he is an emotional abuser. I fall in depression now. However I have a sister with the same characteristics but we saved her 5 years ago and since then and therapy and medication she is so much better now. My husband tells me he knows he hurts me everytime he mets a new woman and tells me she is the love of his life even though there is no sex and I believe him. He tries to find somebody he things is a person who is good, maybe somebody better than me. But I have try to help him so much because I pass that with my sister. Our divorce is going to be final in 3 weeks and it is affecting me so much. He withrow from me emotionally 2 months before he met this woman and I was just waiting for him, asking him to talk to me but he was too much on the internet or phorno or drinking. He asked me for divorce. He said it hurts him when he hurts me. I am his 3er wife. He said he would try a psychologist and I told him I would help him if he needs it. However my psychologist does not advice me to see him because I am a codependent, enabler or act like his mother. As a child of an alcoholic I would stay loyal even though my husband would not deserve it. My husband feels that emptiness you talk about. He tried to kill himself when he was 15 after a girlfriend left him. I want to stick around because his family live in another city and his friends just drink and think I am the strange person because I dont drink. I love him but he hurst me, my parents are afraid he would hurt me physically someday because he is tired of me. I told him about this forum. I will send him your link and maybe you can advise him sometime. He is 37 and he has so many qualities if he just would be able to believe that he has them. He said it does not count when I tell him because I want a marriage forever. It counts when other new woman say it more. He has the most of this characteristics you name here.
Is this curable. How long? Is this genetic? Is this maybe an effect because children use to laugh of his hair since he remembers or because his parent was absent all the time almost?
Does he needs a psychologist or a psyquiatrist? Thanks

Hi recov1:

I hear a lot of pain in your post.

I have two questions for you: 1. Is your husband an addict or alcoholic? 2. Are you seeing a counsellor or attending a support group like Alanon? As the child of an alcoholic, you learned co-dependent behaviours very early, which makes you a "sitting duck" for troubled partners today.

You cannot control, cure, or fix your husband. But you CAN find happiness, peace, and a full life for yourself. I am also the child of an Alcoholic, and I am working on getting rid of my co-dependent behaviour by attending Alanon meetings three times a week. In Alanon, I am finding peace of mind and I am getting my own life back, instead of living through some other person.

bye for now

Robina

[QUOTE=robina]Hi recov1:

I hear a lot of pain in your post.

I have two questions for you: 1. Is your husband an addict or alcoholic? 2. Are you seeing a counsellor or attending a support group like Alanon?

Hi, he drinks at least 4 beers at night every night for 4 years I have seen and lately 6 or 8. He gets this romantic impulsive fantasies maybe until a few little problems where he said I dont obey him and like he would be punishing me. I had been trying to be a good wife but I have been a little depress since the last 2 years and I was not doing everything I used to do for him because even though at first I try to do everything he wanted he told me he fall in love with somebody else but never happened then. This time he is corresponded with a woman who did not care he was married even though she callled one time and she heard me crying she did not care. Everytime I remember I just think they were so happy together while I was at home crying and they did not care. I want to take this feelings i have for my husband i cannot take the love away and he is totally moving on with other woman or women. I dont know how to move on? for me marriage was forever. He was the only man I have ever been intimate with, i kept me for my husband and was difficult and was for nothing.

recov -

A group like Alanon would be so helpful for you. I attend Alanon meetings three nights a week, and it is helping me to live my own life, instead of obsessing about the alcoholic 24 hours a day.
There are meetings everywhere. Why not give it a try?

Robina

thanks Robina I found 2 meetings and I went to one i will continue thank you so much.

I have bi-polar disorder AND borderline personality disorder. I don't know how to tell you to help your daughter but I can tell you a bit about me and maybe it will give you some insight into her.

I develop VERY strong attachments to people BUT push them away to the point that I have very few friends left that have understood that this is what I do. I will allow people to get some what close to me but they think they are VERY close to me. But the whole time in the back of my mind I KNOW they are going to hurt me, they don't really want me around and don't really like me. they just feel sorry for me. this is how I think. Like at this moment I can see this rationaling but when deep in the midst of it I can't see it. I will TRY to hurt them emotionally BEFORE they can hurt me. BUT, after I've hurt them and they back off it starts the cycle up to a newer level because it confirms my fears and beliefs that they were always out to hurt me and never really wanted me to be around. I ALWAYS think everyone is watching me and saying bad things about me. Even driving in the car I know people are saying bad things about me. When someone in a store is nice to me I'm nice back but in the back of my mind i'm telling myself not to be an idiot!! That they're only being nice cause they feel bad for me OR they want me to buy something.

One of the things I hate is when my bi-polar has leveled off some it seems my borderline stuff kicks into high gear.

Voices in my head, not other peoples voices but my own little personalities in my mind, say horrid things to me about me. They tell me I"m a piece of ****, that no one likes or loves me, I'm an idiot, i'm stupid for even WANTING to think someone really does care about me, that I'm just a sick piece of **** who seems to reserve this one little corner of my mind for hope and the voices tell me how entirely stupid,niave and a f'ing idiot for even having hope at some times. In all honestly, if I could cut that corner of my mind out that like to have a tad of hope I surely would. It causes me aLOT of problems.

This is PART of what goes on in my head, just part. I don't know if it'll help you understand her more or not but maybe it will. I hope so cause alot of my family does not understand and piles guilt on me for not wanting to come around sometimes or not wanting to see them at time. It's just that with all my diff. voices going on in my head I don't want to go put on a show of being OK around my family or friends.

hi guys, i'm glad i'm not alone, although im sorry that everyone who replied is sufferering either with bpd or a loved one with bpd..

I just wanted to offer some hope..
since i got help 3 years ago with an amazing psyc nurse, got on meds and found an amazing parter, some of my bpd traits are healing.. i do believe it is possible to get your life on track but with a lot of support.

For me, my diagnosis helped me understand myself and the severe trauma i experienced as a child( repettitive sexual abuse, violence from my father,) left me with dysfunctional coping strategies such as addictions, self harm.. i am finally getting on top of these.

I still struggle with feeling empty, terrified of abandonment, depression, anxiety, dissociation, flashbacks .., black and white thinking, , an inability to deal with stress and critisism, and hearing voices sometimes.

i was never allowed to express anger so i turned it inward and am still trying to build my self esteem up..
but i feel that there is hope..

bpd is a complex mental illlness which needs long term care and usually meds, my only regret is that i didnt get given help when i was younger. hugs to you all, bluebell x

I have been DX with BPD for approx:15 years now. I never understood before. I am finally getting where I can see some of the things myself. My dear hubby has stuck with me some way some how.

I am not sure what one could do in my case as far as relationships go.
I see everything in black or white. Today you are either good or bad..there is no inbetween(grey)
I often find myself realizing I am constantly in turmoil within myself. I also think differently than others. I have a hard time understand that part. I feel what i feel just like anyone else does. yet I am told what I think is often distorted. I have a hard time understanding how so..after all we all have different views.

IMHO...I have to finally bust free some how before anyone can have a close relationship without my harming them emotionally. Not intentionally.

I cannot speak for your daughter..as I am not here nor do I know if she regonizes any of her symptoms. best of luck.

Hugs, Angie

Wow, I've been away from the message boards here for a long while so it was a shock when I dropped in and saw this post here! It was amazing to read that message I wrote in July of 2005.

Since that time, things have gotten so much worse for my daughter...she is now much, much sicker and extremely delusional - she believes that everyone she meets is part of a conspiracy to kill or ruin her.

Nowadays I have come to a place of peace regarding her and I fully accept she is a very sick, very broken person who I cannot fix.

In addition to the hellish string of events of the past two years, she has started something new. Lately she has begun to threaten me. She even called the police on me in an attempt to get me in trouble. Tonight she phoned with more veiled threats against me. Needless to say, all my attempts to get help for her have failed miserably. In the country where I live, people who are seriously mentally ill have so many rights that they have to either kill themselves or someone else before they can be forced into medical treatment against their will.

Tonight I decided that I will have to use the same detachment and boundaries with her mental illness that in the past I used with her drinking.

How much can a mother detach before there is no relationship left?