The needle on the fuel gauge flickering into red
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 99
The needle on the fuel gauge flickering into red
When I got sober in Jan 2018 i did so for the wrong reasons. In fact, there was a single reason and that was to show my ex (who left me because of my behaviour when drinking and drinking to excess) that I was able to do without it. That I would show her. She had heard all of it many times over.
I was in Sydney (Eastern Australia) and attached to a Naval vessel at the time and she dumped me over the phone. A petty officer, later that same day, pulled me aside and said "Kev, you are a champion drinker, but you have got to make a choice. Keep running the gauntlet and the Navy will force you to rehab or you can ask for help and they (the Navy) will look at you much better for doing the latter..." I left and thought about it for a few hours. Remembering small amounts of that day, I do recall how stark the choice was and I knew exactly it was 110% either way. I asked for help and since the night before that decision was made (20th January 2018) I have not touched booze once.
I went back to AA (first went in late 2017 looking for the secret to drinking normally, to moderate - ha!!!), with my tail between my legs, 90 in 90, service work, steps the whole shebang. ALWAYS, every second of the most difficult months, with the goal of getting 'her' back. I was not a doubt, I knew that when I had proven myself for long enough, she would be suitably impressed ? Marvel at my strength, discipline and newfound self-respect that she would come back - swooning.
Got fit. climbed a high mountain. Found a passion for my employment again and read. I read about alcoholism, the neurotransmitters, I read about sorting oneself out, I read about "Man's search for meaning", about "Feeling the fear and doing it anyway", about my (sic) "Addicted brain" and deep down, I was cognisant of trying to remember impressive quotes to, in turn, impress my already partner, clamouring for the new and improved me.
And time happened. Happened again and happened some more. It just... existed... It ticked, it tocked... It passed...
She never came back. After returning from the UK in September 2019 following my grandmother's funeral where I used the time to make amends to the final few people remaining, I drove onto base. There she was, running; although we did not have eye contact, I did pick up on her looking down at the ground. She knew my car and averted her gaze. I grabbed my balls, gave them a squeeze and said to myself "Well, she is the final one". (I refer to step 9, she was the last person. So, I turned the car around, I parked 30/40m in front of where she was running to and approached her very slowly allowing her running to make the distance. She stopped running "What do you want Kevin?" after I said "Hello Michaela", she was not happy I was there. I replied to her "I would like to have a conversation, it will not take long and I realise you do not owe me anything but its important to me and would mean a lot." She almost laughed, "I dont think so Kevin" and carried on running.
I left and was gutted but, I knew this was a possible outcome. I had thought about EVERY single possible outcome a trillion times over and then some. There is little more to add. We never spoke again.
Here I am writing this on friday evening because I am close to throwing in the towel. In truth, I miss her terribly to this day. I have dated another couple of females but have called it quits after a matter of a month in one case and three in another. Funny thing is, I dont think I want her back anymore. I dont want a female in my life. I absolutely do not, I miss her though. How does that work. Miss the closeness I guess. he connection.
I have sponsored others, I have got fit and let that slide since March and have got back into it again. Eat very well, have a good job, financially killing it, due to my knowledge I have made will be retiring before 40 in two and a half years with a couple of houses paid off.
After close to three years sober, I recognise that I have not got anything to work toward anymore. No passions or dreams that excite me. I have completed challenges of mental and physical natures and suicide is a daily thought. I am not particularly unhappy I have these thoughts, just plodding along wondering and I guess biding my time to make absolutely sure I have ticked off as many items as possible in the "have you tried this..." list.
I dont miss drinking. I do miss the peace it gave my mind. That reset to baseline after a massive session and blackout. Early sobriety that was a major struggle, dealing with ALWAYS being present and in a fit state of mind. How the hell do people function with always having their faculties about them I used to wonder?
Unsure why I am writing. A call for attention would be an obvious response I would imagine I would feel compelled to answer were I to be reading this. Thank goodness I do not have children. Thank goodness my family is thousands of miles away.
Used to be so regular on these boards, distinctly remember being exceptionally p1ssed about a post where someone would explained how pleased he/she was with their #amount of time drinking APART from their 'experiment'.
Huh? So you can have a slip, break your sobriety and try to fool yourself and look for support to a statement you know is bull**** to enable you to not have to reset the counter on sobriety? Take some ownership.
After that I stopped coming.
As I have become sober and accustomed to it, gone through the honeymoon phase full of hope and eagerness to a new life, I have become cynical and impatient with people. With the same bullsh1t I used to speak so often, its so easy to see through and the world we live in is so full of it. Im tired of it. The facade. The lies. Im tired of people.
I was in Sydney (Eastern Australia) and attached to a Naval vessel at the time and she dumped me over the phone. A petty officer, later that same day, pulled me aside and said "Kev, you are a champion drinker, but you have got to make a choice. Keep running the gauntlet and the Navy will force you to rehab or you can ask for help and they (the Navy) will look at you much better for doing the latter..." I left and thought about it for a few hours. Remembering small amounts of that day, I do recall how stark the choice was and I knew exactly it was 110% either way. I asked for help and since the night before that decision was made (20th January 2018) I have not touched booze once.
I went back to AA (first went in late 2017 looking for the secret to drinking normally, to moderate - ha!!!), with my tail between my legs, 90 in 90, service work, steps the whole shebang. ALWAYS, every second of the most difficult months, with the goal of getting 'her' back. I was not a doubt, I knew that when I had proven myself for long enough, she would be suitably impressed ? Marvel at my strength, discipline and newfound self-respect that she would come back - swooning.
Got fit. climbed a high mountain. Found a passion for my employment again and read. I read about alcoholism, the neurotransmitters, I read about sorting oneself out, I read about "Man's search for meaning", about "Feeling the fear and doing it anyway", about my (sic) "Addicted brain" and deep down, I was cognisant of trying to remember impressive quotes to, in turn, impress my already partner, clamouring for the new and improved me.
And time happened. Happened again and happened some more. It just... existed... It ticked, it tocked... It passed...
She never came back. After returning from the UK in September 2019 following my grandmother's funeral where I used the time to make amends to the final few people remaining, I drove onto base. There she was, running; although we did not have eye contact, I did pick up on her looking down at the ground. She knew my car and averted her gaze. I grabbed my balls, gave them a squeeze and said to myself "Well, she is the final one". (I refer to step 9, she was the last person. So, I turned the car around, I parked 30/40m in front of where she was running to and approached her very slowly allowing her running to make the distance. She stopped running "What do you want Kevin?" after I said "Hello Michaela", she was not happy I was there. I replied to her "I would like to have a conversation, it will not take long and I realise you do not owe me anything but its important to me and would mean a lot." She almost laughed, "I dont think so Kevin" and carried on running.
I left and was gutted but, I knew this was a possible outcome. I had thought about EVERY single possible outcome a trillion times over and then some. There is little more to add. We never spoke again.
Here I am writing this on friday evening because I am close to throwing in the towel. In truth, I miss her terribly to this day. I have dated another couple of females but have called it quits after a matter of a month in one case and three in another. Funny thing is, I dont think I want her back anymore. I dont want a female in my life. I absolutely do not, I miss her though. How does that work. Miss the closeness I guess. he connection.
I have sponsored others, I have got fit and let that slide since March and have got back into it again. Eat very well, have a good job, financially killing it, due to my knowledge I have made will be retiring before 40 in two and a half years with a couple of houses paid off.
After close to three years sober, I recognise that I have not got anything to work toward anymore. No passions or dreams that excite me. I have completed challenges of mental and physical natures and suicide is a daily thought. I am not particularly unhappy I have these thoughts, just plodding along wondering and I guess biding my time to make absolutely sure I have ticked off as many items as possible in the "have you tried this..." list.
I dont miss drinking. I do miss the peace it gave my mind. That reset to baseline after a massive session and blackout. Early sobriety that was a major struggle, dealing with ALWAYS being present and in a fit state of mind. How the hell do people function with always having their faculties about them I used to wonder?
Unsure why I am writing. A call for attention would be an obvious response I would imagine I would feel compelled to answer were I to be reading this. Thank goodness I do not have children. Thank goodness my family is thousands of miles away.
Used to be so regular on these boards, distinctly remember being exceptionally p1ssed about a post where someone would explained how pleased he/she was with their #amount of time drinking APART from their 'experiment'.
Huh? So you can have a slip, break your sobriety and try to fool yourself and look for support to a statement you know is bull**** to enable you to not have to reset the counter on sobriety? Take some ownership.
After that I stopped coming.
As I have become sober and accustomed to it, gone through the honeymoon phase full of hope and eagerness to a new life, I have become cynical and impatient with people. With the same bullsh1t I used to speak so often, its so easy to see through and the world we live in is so full of it. Im tired of it. The facade. The lies. Im tired of people.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Welcome back Kejun - good to see you even though I'm sorry you're a little rattled.
first off I want to say if anyone pisses you off to the extent you no longer want to post here, I'd recommend you use the ignore function first before leaving.
I'm sorry about your ex - it sounds like you really wanted to make amends but she was just not interested. It sucks but it happens.
I'm not in AA so you probably know better than me that amends are not really about making ourselves feel better - as I understand it, its a genuine attempt to put things right -- but sometimes that attempt is refused or rebuffed. It is what it is.
We move on...whether its an ex or some member of SR grinding your gears.
Sometimes we have to let things go?
D
first off I want to say if anyone pisses you off to the extent you no longer want to post here, I'd recommend you use the ignore function first before leaving.
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
I'm not in AA so you probably know better than me that amends are not really about making ourselves feel better - as I understand it, its a genuine attempt to put things right -- but sometimes that attempt is refused or rebuffed. It is what it is.
We move on...whether its an ex or some member of SR grinding your gears.
Sometimes we have to let things go?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I have made some massive relationship mistakes, many of them involving alcohol. The people who broke up with me (or rather, who let the door hit me on my own way out..tail between legs...) they never talked to me again either, and I did try. That was decades ago and it still stings but I had it coming, ya know?
And yeah, people in general are difficult. I'm difficult. Other people are difficult. I never wanted to commit suicide, though. Have you considered professional counseling and/or medication? I'm sure you have. Sounds to me like you have more than the average person's reasons to be grateful as far as what has been given to you. I hope you find some joy somewhere, the darkness doesn't win in the end, in the end we all turn back to the Light.
Sooner the better.
And yeah, people in general are difficult. I'm difficult. Other people are difficult. I never wanted to commit suicide, though. Have you considered professional counseling and/or medication? I'm sure you have. Sounds to me like you have more than the average person's reasons to be grateful as far as what has been given to you. I hope you find some joy somewhere, the darkness doesn't win in the end, in the end we all turn back to the Light.
Sooner the better.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by Kejun 
After close to three years sober, I recognize that I have not got anything to work toward anymore. No passions or dreams that excite me. I have completed challenges of mental and physical natures and suicide is a daily thought. I am not particularly unhappy I have these thoughts, just plodding along wondering and I guess biding my time to make absolutely sure I have ticked off as many items as possible in the "have you tried this..."
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I hope you find some joy somewhere, the darkness doesn't win in the end, in the end we all turn back to the Light.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,941
Kejun you describe accurate depression symptoms that I can relate too. Great loss followed by feeling of dejection and worthlessness. I could take all day to describe my PTSD/ depression&anxiety disorder. Yes, looking over a great precipice wondering if it would be better to leap into darkness or fight like no fight you have ever experienced on earth. Because its an internal fight not won by resilience but by 'letting-go'.
Blessed be and keep on kicking those symptoms away!
Blessed be and keep on kicking those symptoms away!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 99
Sometimes we have to let things go?
D[/QUOTE]
How? I mean that sincerely. How? The theory, I have it down. I have dated others, I have helped others, I am helping another alcoholic who is so thankful to me for helping him by his own words he would not have made more than a few days - he has five weeks now. I know instantly, writing the sentence I just finished, a member here will point out "see?? There!! you have purpose, you have helped someone! It is something!!" It is. I respect that. Further, I am not going out of my way to find a rebuke to suggestions, I appreciate the time taken to view my post and the words.
I feel that the future hope I once held is based purely on supposition that, to this point, things will improve. The hope is not really there.
I spoke to my parents yesterday and younger sister who lives in the UK, I have made them aware of my intentions regarding my assets when/if I should pass away, my older sister is now also up to speed after speaking today. Each stage of this turn of sobriety has required a date in the future or an event to look toward and for me to say "just wait until then..." I have two more which wont pass for just over two years. Im resolute I wont do anything before then.
There is a beautiful piece of music which I am listening to pretty consistently, I have this desire to fulfil a 'hollywood-esque' (oh the ego!!!!) service and for it to play.
How people make it to the age of 60/70 and beyond is unfathomable to me. There is so little that makes sense or to hold out for? I once thought that once I had reached (insert age here) I would have it worked out, my mind would rest and life would - at last - make sense. Accepting that more questions than answers come is liberating.
Listed to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1UiD2sxoWo
Surely the most beautiful sounds you have heard today.
D[/QUOTE]
How? I mean that sincerely. How? The theory, I have it down. I have dated others, I have helped others, I am helping another alcoholic who is so thankful to me for helping him by his own words he would not have made more than a few days - he has five weeks now. I know instantly, writing the sentence I just finished, a member here will point out "see?? There!! you have purpose, you have helped someone! It is something!!" It is. I respect that. Further, I am not going out of my way to find a rebuke to suggestions, I appreciate the time taken to view my post and the words.
I feel that the future hope I once held is based purely on supposition that, to this point, things will improve. The hope is not really there.
I spoke to my parents yesterday and younger sister who lives in the UK, I have made them aware of my intentions regarding my assets when/if I should pass away, my older sister is now also up to speed after speaking today. Each stage of this turn of sobriety has required a date in the future or an event to look toward and for me to say "just wait until then..." I have two more which wont pass for just over two years. Im resolute I wont do anything before then.
There is a beautiful piece of music which I am listening to pretty consistently, I have this desire to fulfil a 'hollywood-esque' (oh the ego!!!!) service and for it to play.
How people make it to the age of 60/70 and beyond is unfathomable to me. There is so little that makes sense or to hold out for? I once thought that once I had reached (insert age here) I would have it worked out, my mind would rest and life would - at last - make sense. Accepting that more questions than answers come is liberating.
Listed to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1UiD2sxoWo
Surely the most beautiful sounds you have heard today.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
That is a beautiful piece, thanks for sharing. I'd like to imagine many more years when I can contemplate the beauty of art, creation, and the life I've been given. I'm in my 50's and having had a recent cancer scare I feel more than ever how important it is to me that every day counts, and that I use my remaining time wisely. Helping others is important, but so is the enjoyment of life and in all honesty I just can't get enough of that. 70, I hope I make it well beyond that and I'll do whatever I can to ensure it, but ultimately God makes the choice of when my usefulness on Earth ends.
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