Convalescence

Hi all,

I want to start a new recovery journal on this site for my emotional and spiritual health. I kept one related to my problem with alcohol several years ago and have been happy to be sober since then. I know that I couldn't have healed without help from the warm and welcoming community here keeping me accountable.

Recently I've been dealing with depression. I have a good, stable life and a full time job, so I know I'm blessed. Still, I have days where I feel empty and miserable. What bothers me the most is I feel like I've been using masturbation as a coping mechanism. I don't want to develop new addictive habits to replace my old ones, so I want to start writing here and changing how I respond to loneliness and despair.

So I guess this is day 1 for me. I'll keep browsing the forums and posting weekly to share my feelings and struggles.

Love you guys.

Dee74

A journal thread is a great idea Convalescence

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Convalescence

Thanks Dee,

I know you've always been there to help me. You, SoberWolf, and DoubleDee were big influences in my healing process from alcohol years ago. Since then I've still struggled with things - mostly depression and loneliness. But the confidence and love for myself I've gained are consistent and I'm really in the best place in life I've ever been. I have a stable existence and am working on myself each day.

Though I've never been diagnosed, my family also has a history of mental illness and I sometimes hear voices that threaten me and others. It's kind of disturbing, because I know who I am internally and that I would never act on the things it says, believe the things it tells me, or use the language it does. In all things, I count my blessings and am glad I'm able to hold down a job and live at peace with myself.

I had some thoughts before bed last night that I felt weren't appropriate, so I am starting again fresh today. I'm proud of myself for coming back, because I know what makes the healing process work is consistency and honesty.

Have a great week all, love you.

Dee74

I'[m glad you've come back for help and support Convalescence
Have you considered getting help with the voices at all?

D

Convalescence

I have, Dee. I guess I'm not willing to take the risk to experiment with medications. One of my other family members has a mental illness more severe than mine and is medicated for it. The medicine they take turns them into a 'zombie' for lack of a better word. Comparably, my voices aren't as debilitating and I'm able to live and work with them. I've developed some techniques over the years to help and would just rather write and use my hobbies as an outlets for coping with them.

I had some lustful thoughts and started over today. I'm still getting back into the recovery mindset and want to commit to doing this for my future and loved ones.

Thanks for listening, love you guys.

Convalescence

I relapsed again yesterday evening, though I'm having thoughts less frequently and lasted longer than previously. I guess it will take a little to get used to living more healthily.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and am encouraged about that. I've been exercising as well to help feel good about myself in the right ways.

Just wanted to be honest about things before sleeping tonight. I want to be accountable for my actions and will take this seriously.

Night all. Much love.

D122y

I know any relapse will only drag things out vs making them better.

Only me or a Dr., depending in the Dr, might understand how I feel.

I am a firm believer in good and evil higher powers. If I am not aligned with the good, the evil will torment me.

I use the Lords prayer, it saves the soul, sometime 50 times a day. I say it to myself, in my head.

I give full belief and commitment to the words. It seems to work to keep me from being too crazy.

Thanks.

Dee74

Best wishes for the new job

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Convalescence

I know you're right, D122y. I'm sorry I didn't journal last week, I was ashamed due to relapsing again last Monday. But I'm proud to say I've been clean since then and am continuing to take things seriously. When I say "ashamed", I mean in a healthy way as well - acknowledging that I need to change my behaviors, while not hating myself. I've grown so much in that regard in past few years, realizing that I need to treat myself with respect and love when I fail.

The voices have been fairly peaceful too. This new job has been a huge blessing and I'm super excited to see what it holds for me.

Much love, all.

Dee74

Theres no need to feel embarrassment here Convalescence - you're among friends

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Astro

I'm glad to see you back Convalescence, no judgment here.

Convalescence

I know friends, and I guess I should have clarified that it's a healthy sort of shame - one that doesn't encourage self-loathing, but lets me know I have responsibilities to others. I think shame and guilt can be good motivators, but they're meant to convict - not condemn.

I'm doing much better and have been living happily and healthily these past two weeks. The voice I hear has been kind of down on me today, it usually just says evil or obscene things about people which don't make sense to me. Issuing threats, things like that - things I know I'd never act on, so I just pray for peace to accept it and to understand that it isn't "me" on the inside, though it does indwell me. Otherwise, life is really good right now and I'm in an amazing place.

Thanks for listening, have a great week all. Love you.

KTB5000

.Do you conform to any particular religious faith? Fear of the God, I have found has really helped me and my partner

Convalescence

Thanks KTB5000. I do, I'm a Christian and that helps me a lot. Some days I'll hear a constant abusive voice insulting me and saying messed up things, but lately I've been at peace.

It's been a week now and I'm just well and healthy. Just working to get better at consistently recognizing that I'm not that inner voice, even though it indwells me. I guess the thought of me being the kind of person that acts the way it does upsets me, but deep down I know logically it's just some kind of auditory hallucination. Sometimes it does harmless things, like I'll have an affirmative thought and it'll respond "Yeah, me too." or "We agree" like it's a different entity. I think I'd be fine with that if it was just quirky, but when it talks down to me or others that can be emotionally draining.

Thanks for listening guys, love you.

Dee74

I'm glad things have been better recently Convalescence

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Convalescence

Thanks so much, Dee. Unfortunately things have been going well. I have been at peace mentally lately, the voices haven't been too abusive or constant. But I feel like I have a problem with masturbating to cope with sadness. I feel like it's too similar to my old addiction and don't want it to 'replace' my old one. I'm also a Christian and am not comfortable with lustful thoughts.

One of the things that helped me get sober last time was engaging this community in my own journal, and I haven't been here as often as I should. I wanted to apologize for not taking things seriously and relying on others like I need to. So starting this week, I'm going to start my own thread in one of the recovery-related forum. I'll be posting here from time to time if I ever need to share about my mental struggles.

Something that helped a few weeks back with my mind saying evil things to me was telling myself that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life questioning if this was really me. I'm a pretty relaxed person and don't like drama in my life, so having the chance to just throw that out and be confident in my own thoughts and ideals was comforting. I guess something can indwell you but not represent you, since my actions and spoken words show who I am to the world - and I'm very different from my mental illness.

Thanks for listening, I'll be making a new thread in another subforum shortly. Love you guys.

KTB5000

Hope all is well. How are you doing this week so far?