MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

I have a long history with depression, some borderline-suicidal episodes in the past.

I've been wrestling with it, seeing therapist, somehow got it under control.

Now, on February 10, I got my redundancy note.

In addition to the obvious reasons to be not quite happy and excited about this situation, I am still dealing with debts and still can't react normally when I get a call from an unknown number (assuming it can be a collector). I am sorting my issues steady, but slow, but there is still a long road before the phone stops adding to my already elevated anxiety level.

So, that's another anxiety facet for me to the entire job hunting process.

I've started falling apart, my routines started falling apart, I can't stop this train wreck which gains momentum down.

I am skipping workouts, my nutrition is a mess, I can't find a standing point for my emotional stability.

For a long time already I've been struggling with "not feeling really alive" - there is nothing I am looking forward to, nothing to ignite me.

Now I am back into survival mode, which has been my MO most of my life, I think.

Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.

This place always gave me the best support.

And I need it now.

Thank you.

Coldfusion

I also am feeling work anxiety over a new job (which I may or may not be up to), and over financial concerns. I know reading and posting here makes me feel better, and I am a big fan of AA meetings. It works of you work it!

Kaily

I am sorry things are tough again Midnight. I remember the struggles you had before getting this job and the hoops you had to jump before you could start.

I have had my fair share of insecurity most of my life and I know how disabling it is. We all need some certainty and reliability without it we go into survival mode and just about function. I often feel like I am living on red alert.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom to help but I wanted to offer my support and let you know I do understand.

I really I hope life gives you a break very soon.

least

I'm sorry you're going thru this distress. I hope you can resolve it. Sending prayers for peace of mind.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Kaily.

You gave it a very accurate definition - living on Red Alert.

Yesterday I found my notes I made in my Evernote while reading "Toxic parents". In the opening pages of the book there are lines that children from abusive families grow up feeling unworthy, unlovable, and inadequate, and carry into their adults lives tremendous guilt and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility; and develop a high tolerance for accepting unacceptable.

I don't know if I ever overcome this.

It totally p****s me off that at 42, after years of therapy I am still struggling to shake it off and keep dragging different versions of it to my workplace among other areas of life.

Doesn't matter how good I am at a job there is looming shadow which reminds me that I am inadequate beyond repair and have to take any crap they flies my way.

I have to admit, it feels good to vent.

But I need to start putting myself together.

Dee74

I'm sorry about your job MB - but I'm hoping that you can find another.

You're clearly a good conscientious and dedicated worker - I know that from your posts - so I wouldn't personalise this redundancy.

I read Toxic Parents back in the day too.

I think the important lesson from the book is that we can dump that baggage.

We don't have to live our lives with that looming shadow - we are not inadequate, we are not hopeless and not stupid.

We are survivors .

D

MidnightBlue

So, I need to go back to basics - basics I started neglecting when things became "more or less stable".

When I am going to learn that the life is never that stable to let my emotional guns rust?!

The basics are:

- Regular sufficient sleep (it takes me a while to fall asleep and on average I score 5 hours per night)
- Meditation - I remember when a few years ago I went through tremendously emotionally turbulent period of my life and wasn't sure I would make it in one sane piece at the end of the day. Back then I meditated every day for almost a year and its compound effect finally started working. When things got easier I skipped day here and there - and in no time lost it.

- Proper nutrition. - Refined/added sugar has to go. There is no doubt when I let this "no big deal" crap fool me again, the consequences are no late in arriving. It's obvious that sugar has detrimental effect on my emotional and physical state. It gives me foggy brain and sluggishness in my body. It's time to stop.

- Exercising. - I am an avid athlete but recently (by recently I mean recent few months ) I started skipping workouts. I need to get minimum 4 workouts a week back. There is nothing like a good workout to give a boost to emotional state.

- Getting new experiences which will divorce me from the past and its pain. This one is actually new. The previous ones - been there, done that. But now I realize I need to feed brain with novelty, otherwise it won't hesitate to fall back into old familiar tracks to drag me down to old way of thinking and behaviour.
Feeling of inadequacy stands in my way of meeting new people and blending with new environment.

And I have no solid plan for this step.

Any suggestions?

- One day at a time. It worked when I quit drinking and was emotionally dying having no clue how I would deal with all the pain without my favorite "painkiller". It worked for other challenging situations too. But as with meditation when things improve beyond survival level I think I've "overgrown" this step and start worrying too much far ahead the road.

Have a plan. Execute one day at a time with undivided focus on present. Adjust the plan along with changing circumstancing and opportunities.



Yep.

"Everybody has a plan until the get punched in the face". Tomorrow reality will be punching.

We'll see how my plan will endure it.

See you.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Dee.

Kaily

I personally don't read self help books. They make me feel worse and if anything more hopeless by reinforcing all the bad stuff that has happened, making it even more real.

Yeah I accepted the unacceptable without questioning it most of my life. Ridiculous situations that I now look back on and cringe as to why I allowed myself to be treated so bad. I don't have the answer, so self preservation has lead me to isolation as a form of protection. Not recommended and I admire that you are seeking ways to overcome your issues.

Sounds like you have worked out what you must do to help this emotional slide. As for novelty and meeting new people maybe you could join meetup or something similar .

Astro

I like your list of basics, that's perfect, and the only thing I'd add to it is some form of recovery meetings or fellowship, getting healthier is difficult as a solo journey, it helps to have support. You said you had no solid plan but you pretty well stated it: "One day at a time. Have a plan". Now it's a matter of committing yourself to taking these steps and moving forward, at times I've had to give myself a hard push.

Recovery can be a long hard road that we walk for a lifetime, a rollercoaster ride of emotions, difficulties, but also successes. I'm almost 15 years into this and I wouldn't trade one breath of it for another drug or a sip of alcohol.

MidnightBlue

Thank you for responses, guys.

Kaily - I partially agree about self-help book, Toxic Parents was very helpful though. If anything, the line "You don't have to forgive" was worth reading it. When at every corner somebody preaches prophecies like "You can't be really free until you forgive your abuser/whoever you are struggling to forgive", it was quite refreshing to read that a specialist in this area has another opinion. I never managed to forgive certain members of my birth family regardless of my efforts in this direction, and I am finally Ok with that.

About expanding the circle of people I communicate with - I am overcomplicating, as usual. I don't want to meet new people just for the sake of meeting new people and then regret it.

Astro - It's surely good idea about fellowship, and, as I mentioned, the hardest thing for me to do.

Resumed meditating but keep falling asleep while doing it in the morning)

Got a headache after kicking sugar off. It's hard.

Finally going to a workout today.

My "learned inadequacy" and fear of people judging me still prevents me from making new acquaintances.

See you.

Steely

Couldn't agree more with, "I don't have to forgive, MidnightBlue. I feel same. I can let go, but I don't have to forgive.

The plan you have set in place for yourself looks really solid. I have taken many tips from it, and I thank you. It is precisely what I need to do for myself.

Today, I am very depressed, but trying to do a few little things before the chaos of my flat consumes me. I'll get there. We'll get there.

On the face of it, our experiences appear similar. Let's do this thing MidnightBlue, we are worth it, and deep down, we know it.

Cheering for you MidnightBlue.

Wolf_22

Hi, MidnightBlue. Your post reminds me of the situation I went through back during the recession in 2008. At the time, I had been dating a woman who still had a year to go at the school her and I attended but when I graduated, the plan was to move about an hour away to the big city and start a career at a data center programming in things I had no business doing things with (as I came from a completely separate background than the field this new career job represented).

As soon as I moved away, my entire life fell apart. I quickly learned how unqualified I was for the position I was in and how much I hated both my apartment and job. Making matters worse, the relationship I was convinced would lead to marriage fell down like a castle of cards: the once-per-week visitations I had with my girlfriend just wasn't enough to sustain much and adding to that the stress and major anxiety I was struggling with was the perfect storm that ultimately resulted in us breaking up.

So there I was, spending my lunch breaks in my cubicle, looking at my now-ex's Facebook page and seeing her images of her and her new boyfriend kissing. It became a normal day for me to have arguments with people I worked with only to wrap up each day coming home to an apartment I came close to killing myself in. It wasn't long before I eventually got fired from the place. Needless to say, suicide was something I came really close to doing--closest I've ever come to doing it, actually, because yes, I had a plan, and yes, I was 100% prepared to do it.

Thankfully for me, I had a friend who acted as the only single thing in my life that kept me from slitting my wrists in my bathtub. He kept me moving as much as I had to to keep going forward as much as I could. It was about 1.5 years after all that when I finally managed to come back to the school I graduated from to find a job there where I've been ever since. Unfortunately for me, I get to see my ex's now-husband walking up and down the halls (as they were both working here but she eventually left, leaving him only a few doors down from my office). But when I'm not thinking about all that mess, I'm usually doing as well as anyone can who's been in my shoes.

Stick things out. I know it's rough and extremely trying to go through the ******** you're struggling with but remember that the whole concept of suicide is nothing more than the romanticizing of escape and that despite it sounding like an appealing approach, it's just not. It would not only hurt you, but those you love, too. And really, as black as that cloud is that's following you around right now, sooner or later, sun will break through and things will fall into place. You'll get there, man. Just keep going forward as much as you can. Keep pushing out resumes, keep networking with people, and don't let all this screw your workout routines up. Use all this as energy at the gym.

Steely

I'm really glad you had a good friend to back you up Wolf_22. A friend in need....Suicide never a solution. Never. To much life to live, even if we haven't got a job, or our sweetheart goes another direction. Life, what a concept!

Hope you are doing ok MidnightBlue. How's your plan going? I took a tip and drank more water yesterday, also ate well. Got a bit of organising done, felt better. Going back to yoga next week. Didn't do it for long, but know it helped when I did.

Baby steps with a view to the big picture.

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry to hear about the job redundancy, MidnightBlue, and that you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy. The ‘feedback’ we receive as children from our parents can have a lasting effect.

You seem to me to be a very capable, resilient and resourceful. You seem to possess great perspective, as well.

I like your return to basics plan of action. My advice is to be YOU. You are so much more than adequate.

You will get through this difficult time and land solidly on your feet, of that I am certain.

HeadEast

I hope you are doing OK Midnight Blue.

Anaya

Hi, Midnight Blue.

Hoping today is a better day for you.

I am not sharing the following to tell others how to proceed; just a couple of things that have helped me.

https://www.sfbaycbt.com/blog/wise-m...w-to-access-it
As I need to remember, as stated in the Wise Mind section of the article, "It takes continuous deliberate practice to be in Wise Mind." I am up for it.

And I am also up for continuing with practicing mindfulness exercises...e.g., using the five senses.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

Thank you so much for your responses and support!

First, some factual update on my situation.


There is some possibility that employees from the department I work in will be offered some positions within the company, but it's very slim. I will spare the details but you won't believe the amount and intensity of intrigues and battles for power which are going in the "upper echelones". It's like watching "Game of Thrones" (BTW, I haven't seen a single episodes, but my colleagues gave me the picture).

I am torn between two options - whether to accept my unemployment pay package right now (worth of 3 average montly paychecks) and totaly focus on hunting for a new job; or keep the job for now, watch how the situation unfold and look for another job along the way.

Surely, the first option makes more sense, but what bothers me is that without a certain structure and routine - getting up at a certani time every day, going to work, communicating with other people - my anxiety will surge when I am stuck at home facing unappealing reality.

But I still hasn't covered the most discouraging event of this week.

My paycheck has already been stripped to the bare minimum. And I was quite surprised when on Friday I got exactly half of the expected amount. WTF? And then I realized that finally court enforcement officers got hold of my last resort - my paycheck. So far I've been paying out as much as I could allocate every month. But now they've decided to speed up pace and take half of my monthly wage.

Timing is really great, of course. When it starts raining...Quite a "nice" Friday surprise.

Oh, well.

Steely - Glad that you've found some of my plan's elements helpful. Drinking more water is a helpful step too. Are you tracking your progress!
By progress I mean keeping showing up doesn't matter what. At this stage the most important thing is building a habit by showing up as a clockwork, not quality of performance.

Wolf_22 - Thank you so much for sharing your story. Glad you didn't cross that hair-thin line that runs between staying alive and going beyond the point of no return. Though I can only imagine how challenging it is to see you ex's husband on a regular basis. Though I can relate. My ex broke up with me at the end of May. Well, "broke up" means he went on a 1.5 month business trip and when returned chose a "brave" approach to never call again. We live in the same neighbourhood, and a couple of times I happened to be in the same bus with him on my way back from work. That was...unnerving, to put it mildly.

Leigh - Thank you so much for kind workds. To be ME - you are so right. I am just...afraid to stop living up to someone else's expectations which I now believe to be min and for the first time let ME react without the "expectations script"?

So, it's been almost a week since I started implementing small changes to my routine, and let me tell you that "small" things make big changes.

But let's tell this in order.

So, my first point was to cut off added sugar. Done. The payoff to my mental and physical well-being was almost immediate - after surviving the crappy and sleep Monday I recovered the next day. When there is no sugar overload the night before I wake up in good mood and with a clear head.

I can't emphasize enough how sugar overconsumption messes with every area which contributes to the quality of my emotional state and abilitiy to be efficient and focused throughout the day.

I can trace direct correlation between the quality of my sleep and the quality if my nutrition, no argument here.

This week has been emotionally tough, so yesterday I cut myself loose - still no added sugar, but didn't watch how much dried fruit I indulged in. I apparently had more than I should have. So I had some disturbing dreams, overslept, and struggled with getting up.

Thus, my first adjustment after one week of getting back to basics: keep staying off added sugar, watch amount of natural sugars I am consuming - fruit, dried fruit, etc.


Step 2. Sleep. Among other things, like not having an established sleeping routine, for quite a long time I have been violating one of the main principles of proper sleep hygiene - no screen interferience immedieately before or during the sleep.

Since I've been struggling with high anxiety the prospect of being left face to face with my troubling thoughts, worst case scenarios and fears was enough to scare a sleep away.

And I've developed a havit of placing the laptop on the night table and watching some mindless tv shows which didn't require my active involvement into watching them and created white noise to put some barrier between myself and torturing thoughts. It might be solving the most acute issue for the moment, but brought lots of negative side effects like disrupting my sleep and putting me into shallow-mode of sleep through the entire night. No wonder I repeatedly woke up all washed up and feeling simular to being slightly (or even not so slightly) hungover.

This was the most challenging task for me to execute this week. On Monday I felt the urget to postpone it to the next day - just like I did for the last...years. But I dediced "No". To avoid being thrown off by too drastic of a change I created a healthier white noise - downloaded sci-fi fiction podcast, set an hour timer on my podcast app, hoocked the smarphone to the portable bluetooth speaker, adjusted it to the comfortable volume level, and sometime 15 minutes into this I peacefully fell asleep to the murmuring of a guy stuck on the Moon for some reason.

Again, the difference between these white noises was night and day.

While the laptop and mindless tv series kept me awake for a long time up to the point when I was so worn off I just had no other option but to fall asleep, the upgraded version of white noise made almost exactly opposite acting as a lullaby and for the first time in a long period I felt pleasant relaxation in my body, like the stress energy locked up somewhere in the upper side of my neck was finally relased and streamed down bringing enjoyable warmth along the way.

Every night I still get the same temptation to get back to the old habit - like I am having an a situational amnesia. Fear of not being able to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay rears up and the trust to the new tool is still fragile. "No harm in doing it JUST FOR TOMIGHT". Addiction-forming and sustaining patterns are so non-original.

And I have to remind myself every night "No. We are not doing this. Just remember how great you feel in the morning".

And, yes. The combination of eliminating added sugar and videos watched on the laptop to create the background noise created the following change:

*
Before: I wake up with a heavy head, already exhausted, irritated, short-tempered, and my body felt like a heap of unruly dough which I had to somehow put in more or less manageable form to be able to function. I already hated the day which just started. I was already writing it off as useless because if I feel like this from the get-go, it's only going to be worse.
*
After: I wake up with much clearer head - like 10 levels up clearer. Would you believe if I say I started smiling? I am able to re-introducde my morning exercising again - just a short bout of squats, push-ups, stretching, about 3-5 minutes altogether. The first day I did exactly one squat, one push up. 10-15 seconds of stretching. I am deliberately taking it slow to cement habits as sold as possible. The speaker comes in handy again - now it's for the morning pep-up music. "Backstreet boys, all right!" - yeah, that type of music. It's like a clear slate - doesn't matter what the day ahead witll throw at me later, I own this time on my terms.



I am not being overhyped and or trying to convince myself that it helps just because I desperately want it to help - because I desperately want at least something to start working and moving the needle of my emotional darkmare. That is my body that reacts to this. Recently I noticed that too much attention is paid to the spiritual part of the human well-being, while physiology is pushed to the substututes' bench as something "inferior". I personally got lost on this confustion and now I am restoring the distorted balance of constantly "whipping" my physiology into the state of unnecessary exhaustion.

Step 3. Exercising. This is easy. Though I fell 1 workout short of the planned 4 workouts a week, I am back on track. And my goal is to start looking forward to workouts again. Though there is an important point to focus on when it concerns the workouts - my old "friend" perfectionism. Since I am quite an experienced athlete the perfectionism jumps out every time I am heading to the gym, shakes its finger and me, and says that I am not allowed to have "just a workout" , I have to push myself to the next level, exhaust every limit or go home. Nothing is wrong with getting better every day, unless it convinces me that the "better" option is to stay home today so that tomorrow I will be ready for an "epic" workout.


And here's the areas where my progress is very modest:

*
Meditation. As I've already mentioned I fall asleep during morning meditations and can't bring myself to medidate before bedtime. I believe I am scared that this 10-minutes window will be enough for toxic thoughts to break loose and once they are released to the surface they will win over my ability to sleep. I think I'll try 2-minutes approach - meditating just for two minutes, and practicing extreme focus on the present moment during this short period of time.
*
Getting new experiences/expanding my human interactions environment - here's where I am still stuck. I find it really difficult, almost next to impossible, to get over the learned BS that I have to "fix" myself first, and then buid my environment. Let's leave the older than dirt and blamed-for-every-possible-issue-under-the-Sun Ego out of the game. For me the problem is quite opposite - I wish I had more prominent and vocal Ego - to the healhty extent, of course - which would speak out when I start falling into the old habit of tolerating the crap which other people start throwing at me. Yes, it's a common learned tool to survive and blend in when a human being has no other resources to counter with. But it's not the way I want to live my life.


So, my major fear is that with new people in my life I will automatically start performing the old behaviour out of fear to be rejected. And by "telling" what I agree to tolerate I will again "teach" people how they are allowed to treat me. Once they get familiar with the boundaries and patterns of behaviour I put up with, I emerge as a certain pattern in their expectations of me. And then they give these expectations back to me and I will follow knee-jerk reaction to respond to the expectations. By responding I need to employ actions and behaviours consistent with these expectations. And that means squeezing myself back into thoughts and believes which are in line with the actions because the belief preceeds any action even if I don't notice it.

And as a result I end up with recreating my past over and over. The same piece is being played again and again, the only difference is - new actors and entourage.

My therapist once told me: "If you keep sticking your neck out offering it to be used, for most people it's too much of temptation not to take advantage of this".

True.

I am so sick of it. I'd rather be alone than with my past - and what is worse, of my own making - haunting me endlessy and amplifying the feeling that I am doomed and will never escape from this past-made prison.

I know, it's kind of utopian to wait until I get all my emotional ducks in the row and only then crawl out of my sheel and get re-acquained with the world.

But still...Here I am struggling to find the solution which "feels" right.

*
One day at a time. It's proved to be a little harder than I had expected to revive this habit, still too much worries about the future too far away along the road. I need clear-cut steps here.



It turned out to be quite a long wrap-up of this week.

Now I need to take a quick break and gather an actionable plan to solidify and improve my progress with getting me out of depression, pessimism and "I don't care if I live or die" state.

See you)

MidnightBlue

Ok, here's the good news - I did squeeze the fourth workout within this week! Almost jumped in the moving train)

I've had a lot of chores to do today, and when I was more or less done with this part of the plan it was about 9 p.m. Too late to go to the gym.

But, on the other side, why not? I wanted to. The gym closes at 11 p.m. I can make it. Half an hour, light workout, just move the body, clear the cobwebs that have accumulated during the day.

So I grabbed my gym staff and headed there.

I ended up with an hour workout. And my, did I felt good.


Here's my plan for the next week.

Tomorrow I am having an extra day off, which makes the entire week less challenging, of course.

Things to keep doing:

*
No watching videos on laptop. Listening to audiobooks instead.
*
4 workouts a week is a minimum, find a way to add another one.
*
No added sugar AT ALL. Watch the overall sugar intake, re-introduce more protein.
*
Morning exercising, listening to upbeat music, splashing my face with cold water.



Things to add or improve:
*
Meditation - two minutes in the morning, two minutes in the evening.
*
One day at a time, living in the present - every time when a thought "What if..." attacks, counter it with "Be here, now. Do the best you can NOW. Focus on what YOU can control NOW".
*
Expanding environment, adding new challenges. Hmmm.....And what in the world I am going to do with it? At the moment I am pulling all blanks on this. Think, Midnight, think. Ok, maybe my brain will work its magic during the sleep.
*
Reviving my creative activities, precisely - writing. No attachment to outcomes, no finding "usefullness", no practicality attached - just do it, whatever you want. Start and watch it unfolding.



That's it for now. I will keep adjusting it along the way.

Hope everyone had a good sober weekend.

See you.

Dee74

still wishing you the best MB

D