sadforldr7

The longer I read on SR, the worse I am feeling in my sobriety.

I have not felt hopelessness in my life as I do today, waking up this morning it's the worst it's been that I can remember.

I should feel better at 104 days, but I don't. Some lingering health issues that I haven't been able to treat. I don't have any reason to assume they will improve. My eyes are permanently damaged I suppose from the dryness of drinking and the climate here.

I'm 42, single, no children and at this point believe wholeheartedly that I'm defective as a human being.

I've achieved as much as I can in my career, but no Ionger experience any joy in any area of my life. I am desperately alone and depressed. I'm not sure I would wake up to see the spring if it weren't for the hurt it would cause my mother.

Nowhere else to post as Dee, August and many others have given encouragement along the way. I try to implement all the advice...nutrition, exercise, volunteering, seeking medical support.

I feel I simply have a nothing to offer and give anymore. I have prayed and asked for God's grace, but I'm fairly certain the life I have lived has already decided that im not worthy of it.

Scared...have never felt so badly. Tears won't stop today. This relapse has destroyed me spiritually, emotionally and physically and I cant find the strength to climb out.

CRRHCC

Nothing is easy if done right.

Matthew 11:28-30: 28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am [a]gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Life is not easy, fair, painless and we will never get everything we want. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. No one would deny that life is full of adversity. We can’t control our circumstances, but we can control how we think about our circumstances and how we respond. The closer you get to God, the better you’re going to understand yourself. That’s because God is your Creator. The more you understand your Creator, the more you understand yourself because you are his creation. Where attention goes, neurofiring flows and neuro-connection grows. Grow close to God and He will grow close to you. James 4:8

Fusion

I feel a little hopeless at times too. Sadforld. CRRHCC, you say where attention goes, neurofiring flows, and I believe that in brain terms and addiction/learning. But in terms of God, how would that be implemented, how would I understand, practically, because I'd really like to believe in a God that cared for me, for at least, was on my side.

biminiblue

Tatsy, you have to approach it from, "Believing is seeing, " not from, "Seeing is believing."

I have to believe it to see it...


That in a nutshell is what the word "Faith" means, yeah? Energy follows thought.

sadforldr7 and Tatsy:

"Today I will notice my thoughts. They are creating - not just reflecting - my life."

Dee74

I'm sorry you're still feeling that way sadforldr - you too Tatsy.

look for both your guys posts. That, to me, means you have something still to offer.

I can't always give answers or fix stuff but i can offer my support and let you guys know you're not alone.

I really do believe better times are ahead, but for some of us that means tackling other problems besides addiction.

I still have rough periods with my mental and physical health - but I'd rather be moving forwards, even an 1/2 an inch at a time, than turning around and going back where I've been.

D

CRRHCC

Good question! For me, what this expression refers to is learning via neuro-plasticity. You have heard the expression that neurons that fire together wire together? That's how we learn anything. When we learn to tie our shoes, we practice and neuro-pathways are formed and we remember over time, it becomes ingrained. With God, when we pray (thought- attention goes), neuro-firing flows and then our personal relationship (connection) can grow. My point is that establishing a personal relationship with God requires effort. But here is bonus, the bigger-better-offer reward, if you will. As alcoholics we spend our time looking for excitement and escape when the real joy is in connection! God wants to connect with us, but it is a two way street, like any friendship. If you want God on your side, be His friend just like you would a human friend. Spend time, be curious, humble yourself and discover the rewards.

PhoenixJ

Prayers and support to you.

Astro

I wholeheartedly agree with this, recovery for me continues to be a lifelong journey and it takes concerted effort, it's a rough ride at times but I wouldn't trade the blessings I've received in return for anything.

I certainly wouldn't minimize your 104 days, to many of us just one day is a miracle, but we also realize that we can't set timelines for our recovery. It took me months to find a reason to smile or continue living, and years to find true happiness again. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but part of my path has been building a relationship with God and learning to use the tools that AA taught me.

God cares for us all, but sometimes I have to calm myself and be very still before His presence rushes back into me, I tend to get lost at times.

Fusion

Sadforldr, how are you feeling today? I feel as though I may have hijacked your thread a little by my question to CRHCC, but that wasn't my intention, to take away from your hopeless thoughts, because I empathise, and wished for practical expansion on CRHCC's reply to you.

I'm truly thankful for Bimini's, Dee's, Phoenix's, Astro's and CHRCC's replies. I take away that I must accept worthiness, even when I don't feel it; and that I must play my part in forging forwards, by taking actions, and thinking thoughts, in pursuance of a slightly better future.

sadforldr7

Thank you to all that responded. I do hope in the coming months, I'll be able to see the possibility of good. Tuesday felt bad from the moment I opened my eyes. This relapse has left me with an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and shame that's hard to capture in words, in addition to the fear that I've ruined a chance at a good life. My mood is stable at work during the day as I can distract myself with assisting others and tasks, but at night all alone I have to face my beliefs about myself.

I can't find hope anywhere and that's my fear. I don't feel worthy of good after half a lifetime of drinking, scattered poor choices (mostly unknown to anyone but me), and many many regrets. I can't fix many of my regrets. There's so much more I could add, but I'll just say that in reading of most recovery stories... people start finding their way by now. Instead, I feel incredibly sad, hopeless and loathsome of myself sober. Very discouraged and feel some days I'd be better off gone because I've let myself down and so many others if they knew my truth.

The loneliness plays a big role in this and this move to a dark northern tier state has been awful. Loneliest I've been in my life.

Just want to fade away most days. Sleep, when I can, is my favorite part of my day now.

God never pardoned my best friend from leaving her two daughters and family behind as she passed at 46 from cancer, in fear and in pain and she was one of the few great people I've known.

He certainly wouldn't answer the prayers of a divorced, depressed 42 year old sad drunk with a path of poor choices and 'sins' behind her.

My karma, health consequences and path of destruction are likely catching up. I have to face them and most days I'm not up to it. I feel hopeless as to why I should muster on. For who and to what end.

Dee74

If it makes you feel better I sometimes wonder why I'm still here and I see kids, or people younger than me, people who've never taken a drink in their life, passing away.

All I can figure is there must be some reason why I'm still here. I may never know for certain if that's true, but I try to live up to that everyday.

As an outsider, even in this limited way I can assure you I see value in you.

You keep fighting even tho you are not feeling great amd even tho you're not always seeing rewards for your recovery choice yet.

Thats a hard thing to be in.
thats inspirational

D

PS if God can listen to me, He's surely listening to you

Astro

Well, I was 41, divorced and depressed when I found my way to AA and Sober Recovery. I don't know why He's kept me around but I'm 55 now and I'm still trying to figure all that out. A miracle is what I call it, nothing is impossible.

Fusion

Sadforldr, do you have a pet? If not, are you able to keep one? I'm thinking of Sohard, and how rehoming a little Beagle dog, has raised her spirit. And also myself, the only reason I didn't check out last year, is my responsibility to my dogs.

sadforldr7

Thanks Dee & Astro. If a friend came to me expressing the emotions and thoughts I have shared, I would certainly offer much kinder and warm advice than I subject to myself. I didnt realize until this relapse how poorly I feel inside I suppose.

It's just been very hard and I'm not feeling that the darkness is lifting despite efforts. I've been to the doctor for a myriad of issues as well, and every week I await results or news...its been terrifying getting sober rather than liberating like I have read for most people.

Thanks for being so kind as to offer the encouragement. Some days I am more morose than others.

Fusion

Sadforldr, I'm glad you're still reading and posting. I'm sorry if my posts aren't encouraging, that wasn't my intention, but I can only share my experience. I was in a very dark and bleak hole last year, still fall back into it now, it's hard to drag out of, but with dependant dogs...

I do hope your medical results are positive.

sadforldr7

Tasty,

Thanks for the encouragement. Hoping this is just a phase of sobriety and I'm just moving forward every day best I can. Right now I have an old kitty who's my buddy, she makes a big difference as I can tell she loves me as I love her.

Wishing the best for you as well, the dark days can be hard to get through. Day by day is all we can do.

least

Sending you hugs and prayers for peace of mind.

sadforldr7

I need the hugs and prayers, least. Thank you. I pray for folks on SR too. Hope he hears me.

Fusion

Hi Sadforldr, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad to hear you have a little kitty buddy and do hope she lives to a grand age, with your care and love.

At the moment I'm trying the age old remedies for the dark times, reading and viewing uplifting material, it feels contrived, somewhat forced on my part, but after a while I feel it's benefit. And avoiding reading or viewing negative news.

For instance, on SR, under the Spirituality Forum heading, their are three threads where people post daily, uplifting, spiritual and wholesome messages, which give me a little boost.

I also try to focus on the present and future, to release myself from my past, and I realise that's so difficult, when I have a good memory and regret and shame kick in, but I'm not my past actions; I'm my present actions, aren't I?

I'm praying for you too, Sadforldr, and sending you an ethernet hug too

sadforldr7

I make the effort to take in the positive as much as I can. Some days it helps...today the sun is finally out, so I'm trying to get some time outside before it hits the teens again this week..

My kitty is 18, a tortoise shell and per her last checkup, no health concerns. She's spoiled and fed well which I assume is why she's still around. I get an earful every day from her.

Thank you Tatsy, and sending hugs your way too.